Runaways by Nicole Dykes
After Rae disappears into the motel bathroom, I turn to face the mirror. With clippers in my hand, I don’t hesitate. Because we have to change our appearance as much as we can. Because they’re going to be looking for us soon.
That much I’m certain of. When Colin can’t find us on his own, he’ll call his friends in to help.
I hated seeing the broken look on Rae’s face as I cut through her soft pretty hair, but I know it’s necessary. I take the clippers and turn them on, bringing them over the top of my hair and sliding them through, saying goodbye to my brown waves.
When I’m finished, I smooth my hand over my buzzed hair. There’s still some left. I’m not totally bald, but it’s not even enough to grip with my fingers. It feels weird, but I definitely look different.
I clean up and then sit on the bed, waiting for Rae, wondering what she’s going through. She isn’t shallow, by any means, but I know she likes her hair. And I know she liked mine. But to her, her hair is part of her identity.
And no matter who you are, erasing part of who you thought you were is hard. I wish I could hold her and comfort her about it, but I’m so pissed, my anger is vibrating through me even as I sit here. My knee bounces as I wait.
She left me.
She promised she wouldn’t, and she did. She snuck out in the middle of the night to get away from me, fully intending to leave me behind forever.
I don’t understand how she could do that, and it’s something I never saw coming. I know she thought she was doing me a favor, but I thought I’d made it clear that was stupid. I’m nothing without Rae.
I lay back on the bed, covering my eyes with my arm until I hear the door open, and I sit up, a soft gasp leaving my lips when I see Rae. She’s beautiful because it’s Rae, but she looks so different with dark brown, nearly black hair that rests on her shoulders.
She looks nervous as she looks away from me, her hands held awkwardly in front of her like she doesn’t know what to do with them. I stand from the bed, still angry, but my need to hold her is too great. I wrap my arms around her, and thankfully, she melts into my hold and wraps hers around me too.
“I’m so sorry, Lawson.”
I smooth my hand over her still-damp hair and kiss her temple. “Why did you leave me, Rae?”
She doesn’t look at me, just buries her face into my chest and shakes her head.
She doesn’t want to talk about it, and I’m too wrecked to push. We move to the bed and climb under the covers where I continue to hold onto her.
I don’t know what our plan is. I have no idea how we’re going to get through this, but I have to make her understand it’s us against the world.
“You can’t leave me again.”
Her back is to my front, and for a minute I think maybe she’s asleep because she doesn’t say anything for a bit, but then she says in a quiet, raspy voice, “I know. I wanted you to have a chance, Law.”
“I don’t have a chance without you. And if I did, I don’t want it.”
“Life on the run isn’t going to be easy. I’m not sure he’ll ever stop hunting me, and we’re only seventeen. We’ll have to find jobs.”
“Jobs that pay under the table and won’t need our social security numbers,” I add. “I know. It’ll be easier to do it together than you just out on your own.”
Her voice is even quieter now. “At least when you weren’t with me, I could fantasize about you out there, safe and happy. Now, I can see you. I see the way you look at me. The disappointment and . . .”
She stops, but I’m not going to let her. “Look at me.” She doesn’t move, her body stiff. “Rae, look at me.”
She finally shifts, rolling over to look at me. “What?”
“Finish your sentence. How do you think I look at you?”
Her chin wobbles, and she looks away. “You saw him on me.”
My chest nearly cracks open with anguish. She thinks I look at her differently because she was attacked by that bastard. “Rae, look at me.” She doesn’t, so I gently cup her chin in my hand and direct her eyes toward mine. Even though they are looking at me, they’re distant, somewhere else. I speak anyway, “I hate what he did to you. I hate that I wasn’t there. But there is no part of me that sees you differently. There’s no part of me that blames you. I blame him.”
“I feel so . . .” her eyes focus on me again as they well up with tears, “dirty.”
I pull her closer to me. “He’s dirty. You’re not. You fought him. You’re a fucking fighter. A fierce one at that. You’re amazing, Rae.” I swallow my emotion, hating that I’m not good at this. “I’m angry. I’m mad that you left me when you promised you wouldn’t, but I’ll never stop loving you. You’re allowed to be pissed at the people you love and still love them with all your heart.”
She looks almost relieved by that. “So, we’re still together?”
My brow furrows, and I kiss her nose. “You aren’t getting rid of me, Rae. Never.”
She smiles and settles into my chest. “I’m so sorry. I just want a good life for you.”
“There’s nothing good about a life without you, Rae. Get that through your head. You are good. You make my life better, not worse.”
She snorts and shakes her head, but even if she’s scoffing, it’s good to hear a semblance of a laugh. “This is better?”
I shrug, holding her tighter. “I’ve stayed in worse.”
I feel her smiling even though I can’t see her face. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
With that, we drift off to sleep, things feeling a little more okay.
Even though everything else is uncertain.
