The Heart Chaser by Gina Azzi
Abbi
“You need to hear him out,” Chloe advises, nudging my colorful beverage closer.
I ignore her, picking up the cocktail and sucking down an unhealthy amount of tequila. Damn, Austin made these margaritas strong. I turn toward him as he moves to exit the kitchen, and raise my drink in a silent salute. He shoots me a sympathetic grin before he turns the corner into the living room.
“Abs, I’m serious,” Chloe tries again. She ducks her head to catch my gaze and concern colors her jade eyes.
“I don’t want to hear anything else,” I reply, as if that settles the issue.
Chlo lifts an eyebrow.
“What is he possibly going to say?” I toss my hand in her direction, waiting for her to say something that clears Luca’s name from being the baby daddy in the newest drama plaguing the NHL.
If my name—as a home-wrecker—wasn’t in everyone’s mouths, and if the baby daddy in question wasn’t Luca, I’d be happy that a new issue has captured the nation’s attention. Instead, I feel even worse than I did last week. Somehow, this betrayal strikes deeper, making me feel cheap on top of naive. How could he not tell me he fathered a child? How could he not tell me he got serious with a woman since last summer?
“He may not even be the dad!” Chloe argues, throwing a hand back in my direction.
I give her a look that says “I wasn’t born yesterday,” and she glares back at me.
“How can you, a person who has been on the receiving end of twisted, negative, exploitative gossip judge so harshly?” Chloe demands.
“Damn, you’re going all in today.” I take another gulp of my margarita.
“Abbi, you’re jumping to conclusions without even giving Panda a chance to explain. How would you feel if he did that to you?”
I sigh and hang my head. Deep down, I know she’s right. I am being judgey. But I’m also being smart, right? Protecting myself, my heart, from inevitable heartbreak. Isn’t it better things fall apart now than in a few more months, when I’m in even deeper? My mom’s face, haggard and hurt, the day my father walked out on us flares to life in my mind, and I close my eyes against it. No matter how much progress I make, it seems like all my downfalls hinge on that awful moment.
“I’d feel terrible, Chlo,” I admit, forcing myself to meet her eyes. “But I’d also feel terrible if it turns out that Luca is about to become a father. A father. I can’t bear the thought that he’d walk away from that obligation, away from his kid.”
“He wouldn’t.”
“How do you know that? If I’m in the picture, horrified that he’s having a baby with another woman? And I feel like complete shit that everyone in America thinks I’m some type of perpetual home-wrecker. I feel like crap that Luca’s going to see his family this weekend and all everyone is going to talk about is the slutty girl with the slutty pictures that he’s dating, instead of focusing on his brother’s well-deserved promotion. So really, no matter which way I look at it, I’m going to feel like complete shit.”
Chloe’s expression softens, empathy flaring in her eyes. “You should still hear him out,” she whispers.
I shrug, downing the last of my drink. “Maybe when I’m in a better headspace.”
“Okay,” she agrees, nodding. “I get it; you need time.”
“I need more than that.”
Chloe raises her eyebrows, waiting for my response.
“I’m going home,” I announce, the idea just popping into my head. It’s spontaneous but the second I say the words, I realize how much I need to be somewhere familiar. I need Gran.
“What?” Her mouth drops open. “No, you can’t just run away every time—”
“I’m not running. At least, not away from my problems. I’m running toward them.”
“I don’t understand.”
“I never said goodbye to Gran. Not properly. I never confronted Phil. Or Kent. I never got any of the closure I need to do this…” I gesture around her apartment.
“What is this?” Chloe mimics me.
I sigh. “Life.”
My best friend smirks.
“I need to handle my shit before I hear Luca out. And to be honest, I don’t even know how to do that.”
“Want some company?” Chloe offers. I can tell by her tone that she means it and emotion swims in my eyes. “Hey.” She reaches out, covering my hand.
My face falls and I squeeze my eyes shut to stop the tears that rush forward. In a world where I am totally on my own, it’s a miracle to have a friend like Chloe Crawford.
“You’d really do that?”
Chloe’s face mirrors mine. “Of course. Abbi Walsh, you’re my person. It’s always me and you. I love you more than a sister. Why do you think I’m trying so hard to make sure you don’t have regrets with Panda?”
I hiccup and we stare at each other before we burst into laughter. At the emotional overload, tears streak down my face along with snot. It’s probably one of my most unattractive moments but I don’t care because it feels good to laugh. It feels right to be with my best friend. I feel like I catch my footing a bit and even though I’m definitely stumbling, I’m not free-falling.
“Let’s go to Hoboken,” Chloe says, pulling out her phone. “Let me sort some things out with work. I’m sure I can work from the New York office for a few days before I fly out.” She raises the phone to her ear.
“And I’m on temporary suspension so…”
Chloe shakes her head, pointing at me. “Think of it as a blessing. Now you have time to take care of the things that need taking care of. For your own sanity, for your future. Hey, Janie.” She turns away as her boss answers the phone.
As Chloe sorts things out for our impromptu trip back to the place where it all started—our friendship, my life with Gran, my struggle with men—I pull out my phone.
My heart rate kicks up when I see Luca’s name on the screen. I scroll passed the three missed calls from him and scan the messages.
Luca: Abs, I get that you don’t want to talk to me. Just, please, let me know you’re okay? I can explain everything if you give me the chance. Please, baby. Just give me five minutes.
Luca: Abbi, I’m boarding a flight for Philadelphia. Please check in with me? Just a text?
Luca: I’m here. My family is ripping me a new one for being so careless. For hurting you. I know you’re hurting, Abbi. But I swear, the baby isn’t mine.
Luca: Talk to me. Please.
My throat burns as I read his messages. He’s not the father? How can he be so sure? Chloe told me how he showed up to Austin’s awards dinner in September with a beautiful brunette on his arm. She sure as hell wasn’t Anastasia Luvorchik so how many women have there been? Can I trust his words? Just accept them at face value?
I did that with Kent. And Phil. It wasn’t until I physically saw them with other women that I realized what a fool I was for blindly believing the lies that fell from their mouths.
But Luca isn’t Phil. Or Kent. Deep down I know that.
Besides, I’m not the same woman with Luca that I was with my exes.
My stomach twists, the tequila sloshing around as the buzz I’ve been riding all afternoon pushes me into nearly drunk girl territory. I’m all over the place. Still, guilt squeezes my chest as I read Luca’s messages again. He’s now with his family in Philadelphia. His loud, meddling, adoring family and they somehow care about me, even though I’m blowing up Luca’s life. Even though they never met me.
But he wanted them to. He invited me home. Home.
I don’t know what that feels like anymore but I want to. With him.
Sighing, I tap out a reply.
Me: Hi. I’m fine but I’m not ready to talk. Enjoy the weekend with your family.
He replies quickly, startling me.
Luca: Are you just saying that? Because I’m not fine.
Me: I’m not fine either.
Luca: Where are you?
Me: Chloe’s
Luca: I swear I’m not about to become a father.
Me: Are you one-hundred percent certain?
The bubbles appear at the bottom of the screen before disappearing. My stomach sinks. He doesn’t know. He wants to believe he knows the answer, but he doesn’t.
Luca: We’re doing a paternity test.
My throat dries and a wave of nausea rolls over me.
Luca might have a baby with a supermodel. And here I am, gulping back margaritas, while the entire nation thinks I’m a serial screwer of taken men.
My father flits to mind and for the tiniest flicker, I feel a moment of sympathy for him. That maybe he made some mistakes and found himself in a compromising position. But then that feeling morphs into disgust as I remember how horribly he handled everything that came after. No, he should have been a father first and a husband, partner, lover second. And that’s what Luca should be now. Before he can even consider having a future with me, he needs to learn if he’s going to be dad. Because above all, his obligation should be to that child.
I drop my head into my hand and breathe in gulps of oxygen. I can’t do this. Not with him and not right now.
My phone vibrates in my hand and when Luca’s name appears on the screen, I decline the call.
He texts a moment later.
Luca: Talk to me, Abbi. Please.
I stall, wondering what I should say.
Luca: Please, baby. I need to know where your head’s at.
I let out a slow exhale, tuning in to Chloe’s voice as I get a handle on my emotions.
Me: Honestly? I’m struggling. I need some time. And space. Just, enjoy the weekend with your family and we’ll talk soon.
He calls again and again, I decline.
Luca: Abbi, don’t shut me out like this. I know things are complicated but I’m all in with you.
Me: Go celebrate your brother, Panda.
Luca: Panda? So that’s it? You’re going to write me off because of bullshit gossip? You of all people know how twisted things can get.
Tears pinch the corners of my eyes. He’s right, just the way Chloe is. But I’m terrified. How can things ever go back to normal between us? Especially now, when we’re both in the center of scandals, with our names being dragged through the mud? Across the table, Chloe watches me cautiously.
Luca: Stop pushing me away. I’m not going anywhere.
Me: I’m not pushing. I’m pulling away. Please, respect my wishes.
After that, I power off my phone and toss it in my bag.
“You good?” Chloe asks.
I shake my head. “Not even a little.”
“Babe,” my best friend sighs. “Tell me what you want to do.”
“I want to see Gran,” I admit the truth, not caring if it makes me look weak. Dry your eyes and straighten your spine. “Take me home, Chloe.”
She nods. “We leave in the morning. Come on, you’re staying with me tonight.”
I pull my hand back, shaking my head. “No. I can’t stay here with you and Austin and—”
“We’re sleeping at Mom and Dad’s,” she cuts me off, shooting me an understanding smile. “Mom’s already cooking dinner and sent Dad out to buy the wine you like.”
“The good stuff,” we say at the same time and I smile.
“You’re sure?” I ask again.
“Positive, Abs. I got you.”
I nod, biting my bottom lip. I wait until Chloe talks to Austin and packs a weekend bag. Then, I let her drive me to her parents’ house and I sink into Mrs. C’s warm embrace, relishing the hug that only a mother can give.
“You’re going to be okay, sweet girl,” Mrs. C. whispers.
Dry your eyes and straighten your spine.
“I hope so,” I murmur back because right now, it doesn’t feel like it.