Every Other Memory by Kaylee Ryan

Chapter 3

Cadence

Nine months later

I’m sobbing uncontrollably, my face is covered in sweat, and I’m utterly exhausted, but that doesn’t stop my smile when the nurse lays my little girl on my chest after her first bath. My hand rests against her back, holding her close to me, and my lips press to the top of her tiny little head. She’s bound up like a tiny pink burrito, and my heart is full.

I’m a mother. I have a family.

Sure, it’s small, just the two of us, but we will always have each other. I will never let a day go by that she doesn’t know that she is my greatest accomplishment, my greatest gift in this life.

“Mommy loves you,” I whisper to my daughter.

I have a daughter.

I’m a mommy.

Sadness washes over me as I think about her father. The man who gave me this incredible gift, yet he has no idea. I never knew it was possible to be in the happiest moment of your life, but also feel sadness and regret.

I left like a coward that night because of what he made me feel. I was embarrassed to do the walk of shame and if I’m being honest, I had already fallen hard for him. It took one night, and I knew my heart couldn’t take the rejection, so I left like a scaredy-cat. I tried to convince the hotel to give me his information, even offered up cash that I didn’t really have to spend on my journey to single motherhood, but it was useless. They refused.

I’ve cursed myself more times than I can count for not paying attention when he booked our room. I was so wrapped up in our “spontaneity” that I stepped away. That’s just another regret to add to my growing list from that night.

“We’ll give you a few minutes, then we need you to try nursing her,” a nurse tells me, bringing me out of my thoughts.

“Okay.” I nod as more tears well in my eyes.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was surprisingly calm. It’s not how I’d planned to have a baby. I wanted to meet a man, fall in love, get married, and then start a family—a family I never really had growing up. When I was nine, I was placed with my foster family. After jumping from one placement to another, the Gardners stuck.

The Gardners are decent people. They made sure I had a roof over my head and three hot meals a day. I always had clothes that fit and the supplies I needed for school, but there were no hugs. No declarations of a job well done when I placed first in the spelling bee. No, “we’re proud of you” when I graduated high school at the top of my class. They were detached. And while I still keep in touch with them—I send them Christmas and birthday cards every year—there are never any in return or invitations to join them for celebrations or the holidays.

The day I graduated, they told me I could stay until I left for college in the fall, and I haven’t been back. That’s not my home. But I was lucky and found that at college. Shelby and I were roommates freshman year, and we hit it off. We’ve been thick as thieves ever since. She’s been my only family and listened to me as I obsessed over grades and my life plan.

However, life often has other ideas, though I’ll never regret the night that resulted in me being a mother. Not just because this little angel was created, but because of him. Hazel Eyes as I’ve taken to calling him. He was my every fantasy come true. He told me the same thing, that I was his. He made me… feel, and I knew the score. It was a one-night thing, so when he fell asleep, I snuck out. I forced myself to walk away to avoid the awkwardness that was sure to be there when the sun came up.

When I found out I was pregnant, that wasn’t the first time that I regretted running out that night. It wasn’t the first time I wished I was still back in that hotel room, laying in his arms, feeling whole for the first time in my life.

As I lie here holding my daughter, who’s not even an hour into this world, I worry about how I’ll tell her about her father. I don’t know his name, but I know deep in my soul that if I did—if I had a name and if he knew about her—he would have accepted her.

Don’t ask me how I know, but it’s a feeling, one that I will stand behind when my daughter is old enough for me to tell her about the man with hazel eyes who gave me the greatest gift in the world.

Her.

“You doing okay, Momma?” my best friend asks from the chair beside my bed.

“I’m good,” I assure her. “Thank you for being here with me today.”

“Are you kidding? There’s no way I was missing this.”

“You’ve done so much,” I tell her, tears beginning to form again.

“Stop. You would have done the same thing for me. That’s what best friends are for. Besides, as this little angel’s aunt, I deserve the right to be here,” Shelby says, giving me a watery grin. “Now—” She clears her throat, sitting up straighter in her chair. “Can you finally tell me what you’re naming her?”

I look down at my chest to my sleeping daughter and smile softly. The moment I found out I was having a girl, I knew what I was naming her. However, I kept it to myself. I told Shelby that I needed to see her first, something I’ve heard other mothers say—at least from what I’ve read on the blogs I follow.

“Hazel. Her name is Hazel Marie.” My voice cracks and my heart swells with love.

“Hazel Eyes.” Shelby nods in understanding.

“Yeah. I took her father from her, and I want her to have a piece of him. That’s all I know about him to give her, and Marie, as you know, is my middle name. She has a piece of both of us.”

“I love it.” She reaches across the bed and gives my arm a gentle squeeze. “For the record, you didn’t take her father from her. You don’t know what would have happened that next morning. You also had no idea that this little sweetie was created that night. You’re doing the best that you can. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

I nod. I don’t agree with her because I will forever live with the regret of walking away. I was a coward. I was inexperienced, and the feelings that he awoke in me that night, they had my mind racing and my heart aching to never let go. I knew that wasn’t what our night was, so I fled. I regret leaving, but I will never regret my night with him and my daughter. She’s my everything.

“You sure you don’t need me to stay with you for a while?” Shelby asks.

“No, but thank you. You need to keep living your life, and I need to learn how to live mine as a single mother.”

“It’s okay to ask for help.”

“Oh, trust me, I will.” I chuckle. “You’re going to wish that you lived in a different apartment building.”

“Never. I don’t care what time it is. If you need me, you call me.”

I nod. “Thank you, Shelby. I don’t think I could have done this without you.”

She swallows hard and nods. “So, is the plan still that Thea is going to watch her for you?”

“Yes. She’s excited to bring in some extra income since Scott is the only one working. He insists that she raise Clint, and they not put him in daycare.”

“Phew.” Shelby fans herself. “That man of hers is intense, and finnneee.” She drags out the word.

“That he is,” I agree. “Thea’s going to have her hands full with Clint and this little one, but she assures me she can handle it, and I trust her.”

“I do too. She’s good people. They both are.”

“I agree. However, Clint will be four months by the time I go back to work, and Hazel six weeks, so she’s definitely going to be exhausted at the end of the day.”

“You sure you don’t want to take more time?”

“I do, but I don’t have the time to take. I’d barely started when I told them I was pregnant. I’m lucky they didn’t fire me. My only saving grace is that they do offer up to six weeks paid leave, so I’m not going without money.”

“That’s going to be a hard day.”

“Yeah,” I agree, my heart already breaking just a little at the thought of leaving my little girl when I go back to work.

“Knock, knock,” the nurse says. “Time to see if we can get this little one to eat.”

“I’m going to take a walk. I’ll be back.” Shelby stands and leans in for a hug, placing a kiss on Hazel’s head. “Love you,” she says softly before standing and leaving the room.

With the help of the nurse, Hazel latches on right away, and as I watch her, I can’t help but wonder if there is another way I can find him. Maybe I could hire a private investigator. Not that I have the money to do that. Sure, I make a good living, but I’m doing it all on my own, and babies are expensive. Maybe I’ll start saving, and when I have enough, I’ll try to find him. I owe that to both of them.

I want my daughter, our daughter, to have more than just my memories of her father. I just hope if I do find him, that my gut is right, and he accepts her in his life. I know what it’s like not to have loving parents, and I don’t want that for my little girl.