Becoming by Jourdyn Kelly
“YOU WANT MEto what?”
“Cassidy, you promised you would listen.”
“I am listening, Rebecca.” Cass paced restlessly and ran frustrated hands through her already tousled hair. “I’m listening to you tell me that you want me to hurt you.”
“No,” Rebecca said calmly—more calmly than she actually felt. “You heard me say those words and then stopped listening.”
Cass flung her arms up in the air. “Because I don’t understand how you can ask me to be like her!”
“Is that what you think? That I want you to be someone I hate?” Rebecca stood up to face Cass. “Have you considered the fact that I might be as confused about this as you are? Why do you think I’ve been so moody the past few days? Hell, I even called my aunt hoping she’d give me meds because I’d gone crazy. And, instead of truly listening, you want to think that it’s because I want you to be like her?”
Cass stopped in her tracks and sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry.” She walked over to the couch where Rebecca sat and perched herself on the coffee table. “I’m listening.”
Rebecca gave her a skeptical look but continued. “You know, I’ve been so distracted that when I called my aunt for advice, I forgot to take off my mask. It was the first time she had seen me as Mistress.”
Cass contemplated that. The one thing she knew for certain was how private Rebecca was about her alter ego. For her to be troubled enough to forget must mean this really was bothering her just as much.
“What did she say?” Cass asked. “I mean about what you, um, want?”
“Need,” Rebecca corrected softly. “Oddly enough, she said I was normal. Relatively speaking. And, not because she’s my relative.”
Cass’s lips twitched at Rebecca’s little joke. Their time together had brought out different sides of their personalities. That included a more lighthearted approach to things. Even when those things were heavy. That was definitely Cass’s influence.
“My first sexual experience,” Rebecca continued, “was filled with pain. Each subsequent time, the pain got worse. According to Aunt Wills, it’s not uncommon for victims of prolonged abuse to… crave something they had become accustomed to.”
Cass was no shrink, and that definitely sounded like something Rebecca’s aunt would say. Since Aunt Wills had the shrink degree, who was Cass to argue? “That sounds, um, logical, I guess. But you sound a bit doubtful.”
Rebecca shrugged. “I still think I’m crazy.”
Cass took Rebecca’s hand and felt it tremble slightly. “You’re not crazy, baby. But, why now? You’ve been a Dom all these years, why would you want to give up your control now?”
“Because I met you,” Rebecca answered honestly.
“I don’t understand.”
“I spent years building defenses against ever having to go through what Samantha put me through again. Finding you, loving and trusting you, has allowed my body to let go of those defenses.” Rebecca took a breath and then dove in with the whole truth. “The other night out on the couch? When you fucked me right after I came? I felt that pain again, but in the way, it was supposed to be all those years ago. Exquisite pleasurable pain. I’m guessing that’s what woke up those desires.”
Cass was torn between feeling pride and panicked. It was a good thing, no a remarkable thing, to be trusted so much. But the weight of the responsibility of not traumatizing her girlfriend anymore than she already is was hefty.
“I don’t know if I can hurt you, baby.”
“Cassidy, the reason I can ask this of you is because I know you will never do anything that I can’t handle. I know that what you do to me will be out of love and not because you want to control or possess me. I’m not asking you to mark me. I’m asking you to help me in the only way you can.”
“Can you understand my hesitation, Rebecca? I’ve seen your scars. I’ve been there when you’ve woken up in a cold sweat after a nightmare.”
Rebecca touched Cassidy’s worried face. “Then exorcise my demons, baby. Take away the fear.”
Cass closed her eyes and silently prayed she was doing the right thing. She would do anything for Rebecca, and if this is what she needed, Cass would do her best not to break both of them.
“What’s your favorite word, Rebecca?”
Rebecca grinned at the salute to their beginning. “Cassidy.”
The tall woman chuckled. “You’re going to have to pick another word. I’m going to make you scream my name all night long.”
Laughter filled the air. “Fine, how about platypus? It’s such a fun word to say.”
“Right!?” Cass stood and held her hand out to Rebecca. They held hands as they made their way to the bedroom. Cass had very little time to figure out how to be what Rebecca needed. She was semi-confident that once they got the awkward beginning out of the way, things would come naturally. And that was one thing Cass was very good at. Making Rebecca come naturally.
“Take your clothes off, Rebecca.”
The words triggered a bout of anxiety in Rebecca that she wasn’t prepared for. “Um, whew. Could you do me a favor?”
“Of course.”
“Could you still call me baby?”
“She said that to you, didn’t she?” Cass asked gently, and Rebecca nodded. “I should have…”
“No, not your fault,” Rebecca interrupted. “I also have a couple of hard limits.”
“Hard limits?”
“Boundaries,” Rebecca explained. “Things that I absolutely can’t do.”
“Tell me.”
“I can’t be tied up. You can hold me down, but no bindings of any kind.”
“Okay, I get that. Anything else?”
Rebecca took a cleansing breath and picked up one of the fringed whips they kept handy, giving it to Cassidy. “Not my back.”
Cass tossed the whip on the bed and took Rebecca in her arms. “Baby, if I do anything at all that makes you uncomfortable or triggers you, tell me and I will stop. If you start getting dragged into the past, I want you to look at me, Rebecca. Look me in the eye and see. Not who I’m not, but who I am. Always remember who I am.”
A tear rolled down Rebecca’s cheek. She wrapped her arms around Cassidy’s neck and kissed her with all of the emotions she had inside her.
“I love you, Cassidy.”
“I love you, too, baby.” Cass smacked Rebecca’s tight ass hard enough for her to yelp. “Now, let’s try out our new roles.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Rebecca smirked as she took off her clothes and hopped up on the bed. “I’m all yours.”
REBECCA SWAYED HERhips and hummed an indistinct tune as she slathered mustard and mayo on a thick piece of wheat bread. She was happy. Aunt Wills had been right. The role reversal and giving up control didn’t mean taking away her power. In fact, Rebecca had never felt more powerful. Or more stable. She still didn’t know if it made sense to her, but at this point, she didn’t care. She was happy.
“Whatcha singin’?”
The knife Rebecca was using clattered as it hit the counter. “Jesus! You scared me!”
Cass chuckled wrapped her arms around Rebecca. “Sorry, I thought you heard me come in. Hey? You okay?” The once singing and dancing woman was now shaking in Cass’s arms.
So, Rebecca wasn’t completely cured of all of her fears. It was going to take more than a week to dispel years of torture.
“Yeah, I’m good. Residual angst.” She looked up at Cassidy and laughed. “You have paint on your nose.”
Cass lifted a brow and adopted a terrible French accent. “An arteest iz not an arteest if zay do not have paint on zer noze.”
“Excusez-moi, mademoiselle arteest!”
Cass harrumphed. “I weel forgive you for eh turkey zandweech.”
“Oh, baby,” Rebecca laughed heartily. “Your accent is awful! Please do not do that when we go to France. They’ll throw us out!”
Cass peered down at Rebecca. “We’re going to France?”
“Would you like to?”
Cass had always wanted to travel but never found the time. Or the right person to go with. Until now. “That’d be awesome! Seeing all the sights with you. Doing the touristy thing.”
“Then we’ll plan it. Maybe we can after your gallery showing. To celebrate your success.”
Cass rolled her eyes playfully. “You can’t know I’ll be successful, babe.”
“Sure, I can. I’ve seen your work.” Rebecca turned back to her previous task of making Cass’s sandwich. She put the finishing touches on it, plated it, and handed it over. “Want some chips?”
“Please.” Cass took a big bite getting mustard and mayonnaise on the sides of her mouth.
Rebecca shook her head. “Doesn’t go with the paint,” she said, wiping Cass’s mouth with a napkin.
“Thanks. So, um,” Cass took a swig of water from the glass Rebecca placed in front of her. “Rand called.”
“And?”
Cass waited for Rebecca to join her before continuing. “First, thank you for the sandwich. Awesome as usual. Unnecessary, as usual. But, greatly appreciated as usual.”
Cassidy was constantly telling her she didn’t have to cook or clean or do things for her. But it was another thing ingrained in Rebecca’s head. Only now, she loved doing things for Cassidy. Almost as much as she loved it when Cassidy made the effort to do things for her.
“You’re welcome. As usual.” She watched Cassidy take another huge bite. “Rand?”
“Hmm? Oh, yeah.” Cass swallowed and wiped her mouth. “She wanted to know if we were free for lunch this weekend. You, me, her, and Connor. I told her I’d ask you and let her know.”
“Well, I have to be at the club at 4 pm both Saturday and Sunday, but we can meet up before that.”
“Hmm.” Cass took another bite in order to keep her mouth from getting her in trouble.
“What?”
“What what?” Cass asked as innocently as she could with a mouth full of food and a brain full of words she should say.
“What was the ‘hmm’ for? And the look?”
“I didn’t—I’m not…” The look on Rebecca’s face told Cass she was having none of it. “Okay. I’m just wondering about the club.”
“What about it?”
“Look, baby. I have no problem with you working at or owning a sex club. It’s that club. That club is your last tie to her, Rebecca. Maybe it would be good for you to cut that tie? Start a new club? One that’s just yours.”
“We’ve discussed this, Cassidy.”
“Yeah. You owe her. But I think that’s bullshit. You’re keeping that fucking club to torture yourself.”
“Enough.” Rebecca’s voice was dangerously low. “Just because I’ve let you dominate me in the bedroom does not mean I will allow you to speak to me that way.”
Cass tried to hold her own anger in check. How in the hell did this conversation go downhill so fast? Two seconds ago, they were happily eating lunch together.
“No, being your girlfriend, someone who loves you means that I should be allowed to express my feelings about what you’re doing to yourself.” She met Rebecca’s stony stare. “Or not. Maybe you need a piece of her to stay in your life, so you don’t have to give yourself fully to anyone else.” Cass pushed away from the table. “Thank you for lunch. I need to get back to painting. Deadlines.”
“Cassidy.” Rebecca sighed as the woman she truly loved walked out without another word. “Damn it.”
She cleaned up the kitchen before locking herself in her office that Cassidy had so graciously set up for her. She was always doing something sweet for Rebecca. And, Cassidy rarely got upset enough to walk out. Perhaps it was time for Rebecca to do something sweet for Cassidy. But, could she give up the club? Shit, was Cassidy right about her?
CASS HATED HOSPITALS.She was always afraid that she’d take a wrong turn and end up seeing something she really shouldn’t be seeing. Or worse, get lost and end up in the morgue. She checked her phone again.
“Damn creepy hospitals,” she muttered. Somehow her quiet words seemed to echo through the empty halls. “Where the hell is everyone?”
“Can I help you?”
“Shit!” Cass nearly jumped out of her own skin. “Sorry, um, yeah, I’m looking for Dr. Hunter, uh, something.” Why in the hell don’t I know her last name? “Tall, dark-haired woman? Blue eyes.”
“Dr. Vale,” the lady said almost dreamily. “You’re on the wrong floor. Take the elevator down two floors and visit the nurses’ station in the ER. They’ll page her for you.”
“Great, thanks!”
“Is there anything else I can help you with? Maybe we could go somewhere a little more private?”
Cass blinked in confusion. Did she just proposition me? “I, uh, have a girlfriend.” Of course, that girlfriend was currently mad at her, and they hadn’t had sex in three days. But Cass would never do something as stupid as to cheat on Rebecca. She started this mess, now she was going to fix things with her beautiful Mistress.
“She wouldn’t have to know.” The auburn-haired woman leaned into Cass and was immediately pushed away.
“I would know. Excuse me.”
“If you change your mind,” the woman called after a retreating Cass. “Just ask for nurse Iris!”
“Not likely,” Cass said to herself as the elevator door closed. People like that Iris chick made Cass happier than ever to be with someone like Rebecca. That’s why it hurt so much to be at odds with her.
She stepped out into chaos two floors down. The total opposite of where she had just been. Empty halls were replaced by bustling personnel and shouts of medical terms she didn’t understand. This was more like the hospitals Cass saw on TV. Spotting a familiar face, she made her way to the nurses’ station.
“Patty?”
“Cass! What a surprise.” Patty immediately lost the smile she gave her new friend. “Is Rebecca all right?”
“Yeah! Yeah, she’s good. Annoyed with me at the moment, but good.”
“Ooh, you better get that straightened out, sugar. I’ve never seen her happier than she is with you. Don’t blow this.”
“That’s why I’m here. Is Hunter available?”
Patty pursed her lips and studied the fine specimen in front of her. She had told the truth about never having seen Rebecca so happy before. If she could have a hand in keeping it that way, Patty was glad to help. She picked up the phone.
“Dr. Vale, please come to the nurses’ station.” She looked up at Cass. “I don’t see her scheduled for a surgery, so unless she was pulled into an emergency, she’ll be here.”
“I appreciate it.”
“My pleasure. Now, you do something for me.”
“Name it.”
“Get that girl of yours to forgive you and let’s get together again for dinner soon.”
“Workin’ on it,” Cass grinned. “And, deal!”
“You rang, Patty?”
Cass turned at the sound of Hunter’s smooth voice. “That was for me.”
“Hey! Wait, is Rebecca okay?”
Cass chuckled. “Yeah. She’s lucky to have people who care so much about her.”
“Enough to hurt anyone who ever caused her harm again,” Hunter warned.
Cass lifted her arms in surrender. Or defense. Either could work at the moment. “You never have to worry about that with me. But I am here about the person who did hurt her. Do you have a minute?”
Hunter nodded and led Cass to the doctors’ lounge. “What’s up?”
Cass took a piece of paper out of her back pocket and unfolded it. “I need your advice. And I need your professional opinion, not the opinion of my girlfriend’s best friend. Got me?” She handed over the paper and waited for Hunter to read it.
“How did you get this?”
“Does it matter?” Cass sighed. “I have friends, or rather Rebecca has friends in high places that would like to see her stop suffering as much as I would. Look, Rebecca doesn’t know I have this, and she won’t know if your answer is any different from what I think it is. But, I need to know.”
“What do you need to know exactly, Cass? Is it important enough to bring all of this back up for Rebecca?”
“Yeah, Hunter, I think it is. She’s been carrying this weight for far too long. So, looking at that,” she gestured to the paper, “you tell me. Was there anything that Rebecca could have done to save Samantha’s life?”
Hunter studied Samantha’s autopsy report carefully. She went over it three times before she shook her head. “No. According to these findings, Samantha died the moment she took that last hit of heroin.” She turned the document to Cass and pointed out the cause of death.
“Dude, I have no clue what any of that means. That’s why I brought it to you.”
Hunter gave her a small smile. “Basically, her heart exploded. That’s overdramatizing it a bit, but with the buildup in her heart and lungs from prolonged drug abuse, the blood vessels can rupture. Samantha had a heart attack, Cass. A severe one. There was nothing Rebecca could have done to save her. The paramedics would not have made it on time whether Rebecca had called the moment Samantha started experiencing pain or not. Even if they did, Samantha was too far gone to save.”
Cass let out a whoosh of air. “You’re sure? This is from Dr. Hunter?”
“Yes, Cass. That is my professional opinion. I’d stake my reputation on it.”
Cass nodded. “Good.” She held her hand out to Hunter. “Thank you. I owe you big time.”
Hunter held Cass’s hand firmly. “You don’t owe me anything. I should have thought to do this myself. I knew she was holding on to this, but I…”
“Hey. You saved her life, Hunter. Let me save her heart.”
“SUMPTOR GALLERIES, HOWmay I help you?”
“Is Eve in?”
“May I ask who’s calling?”
“Rebecca Cuinn.”
“One moment, Ms. Cuinn.” There was only time for a few bars of some song Rebecca couldn’t quite place before the line clicked over.
“It’s nice being popular.” Eve’s sensual voice sounded amused. “Hello, Rebecca.”
“Popular?”
“It’s just been a busy couple of days. What can I do for you?”
“I’m in need of a change.”
There was a slight pause on the other end of the line. “Sorry, I was a little taken aback by that. You usually call my cell for personal reasons. What’s wrong? I was under the impression life was going quite well for you. How is Cass?”
Rebecca’s heart fluttered at the mention of Cass’s name. She absolutely hated that they were clashing right now. Especially since it was all Rebecca’s fault.
“She’s fine. We’re fine. And, my life is going quite well. I want to keep it that way which is why I need a change. And why I called your office. This is business, not personal. At least, not completely personal.”
“How can I help?”
“I need to sell the club. You’ve mentioned before that you knew people interested in the type of business I’m in. Is that still accurate?”
“I could be interested.”
Rebecca’s eyebrows shot up. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, Eve, but it’s not for you. While I’m sure you would make a formidable Dom, you have more important things to focus your energy on.”
Eve laughed heartily. “I’m flattered to know that Mistress thinks I could rival her.”
“Ah ah, I said you’d be formidable, not competition for me,” Rebecca joked.
“My apologies,” Eve chuckled. “But, you’re probably right. About the more important things, that is. Let me put feelers out. Does it matter if they want to change the direction?”
Rebecca felt that familiar feeling of guilt trying to creep in, and she quickly tamped it down. She was tired of Samantha having a hold on her life. All she ever did was ruin things.
“No, it doesn’t matter. It’s just time for me to move on. I can’t do that living behind the mask.”
“So, you’re giving up the lifestyle?”
“Not exactly. Just… rerouting it.”
“I must say, I’m surprised by this move,” Eve said mildly.
“As I said, some things are more important.”
“I take that to mean things are more than fine with Cass?”
“They will be. She thinks I’m holding myself back by keeping a part of Samantha via the club.”
“I can’t say I disagree with her.”
Rebecca chuckled. “You’ve been spending way too much time with my aunt. Have you been taking notes, Eve?”
“That woman is someone I would rather spend less time with,” Eve joked. “Unfortunately, it seems I need her increasingly these days. So, my misery means yours, too.”
“Gee, thanks. It just so happens I agree, as well. Samantha is my past. Cassidy, I hope, is my future. I need to make things right. This is the first step to doing that.”
“I wish I had your balls, Mistress. Doing what you need to do for what you want.”
Eve sounded so forlorn, Rebecca felt sorry for her. She was pretty sure that there weren’t many people in this world that would think to feel sorry for someone who seemed so incredibly fortunate. If they only knew the real Eve.
“I know you hate it when I talk about certain things, so I’ll just say this; You’re the bravest woman I’ve ever known, Eve. The moment you remember that you’ll have everything you want.”
Eve cleared her throat. “I’ll get in touch when I hear something about the club. And, Rebecca? I’m going to suggest that you keep it as is, along with privileges. It is where you and Cass met. That must hold some significance despite the other memories.”
Rebecca smiled. She did have a point. “I’ll think about it. Right now, I need to go home and seduce my girlfriend.” Home. Odd how good it felt to say that word. To feel it. The best part about it was it didn’t matter where she was. Home was wherever Cassidy was.
Eve laughed. “Go get her!”