Becoming by Jourdyn Kelly

REBECCA YAWNED. “GODDAMNit, wake up!” She patted her cheeks and contemplated yet another cup of coffee. Knowing that would just accelerate her already stimulated nervous system, she decided against it.

She was cranky. Which didn’t bode well for her employees at the club. Unfortunately, due to her crankiness, she had already snapped at the bartender for asking a simple, yet fair question. Hell, it wasn’t their fault that she didn’t get much sleep the night before. Just as it wasn’t Cassidy’s fault when Rebecca snapped at her this morning.

It was Rebecca’s damn body’s fault. Ever since Cassidy actually said the words “I love you” a few nights ago, Rebecca had been feeling off. She didn’t understand it. She loved Cassidy. Loved being loved by her. So, why couldn’t she sleep? Why did her body…

Rebecca yawned, again. “Ugh!” She opened her laptop and let the melodic sound of Skype making a call soothe her for a moment. The sound disappeared as the call was accepted.

“Well, this is a surprise. Oh!”

“Hey, Aunt Wills.”

“Mistress,” Willamena said carefully.

Rebecca frowned. Then she remembered she was in her office and had her mask on. “Sorry,” she muttered, pulling the long white ribbon to untie the mask. Before removing it, she got up and locked her office door. “I forgot that was on,” Rebecca said when she sat back down.

“Is everything okay?” Willamena asked, deciding to not dwell on the mask. For now. “You usually call later in the week. How are things with Cass?”

Rebecca knew that her aunt still felt guilty about not knowing what Samantha was doing. Maybe she would always feel that way, but Rebecca couldn’t allow her to think Cassidy could be anything like Samantha.

“Things are wonderful. Cassidy is wonderful. It’s almost unbelievable how she treats me. Like I’m a queen, Aunt Wills. She loves me. And, I love her.”

“Good. I’m sorry, Becca. I know you don’t understand…”

“I do, Aunt Wills. But, you have nothing to worry about with Cassidy. I promised you all those years ago that I would come to you if something happened. That still stands today.”

Willamena studied her niece in silence. “Very well,” she said finally. “I like Cass, Rebecca. I really do. I know I had my doubts at the beginning because of the age difference, but from my talks with her, and seeing how she treats you—even via this high-tech stuff you insist on—I like her for you. If I ask questions like that, it’s because of my own insecurities.”

If Rebecca thought it would help, she would tell her aunt to let go of those feelings of guilt. Of course, she would be a hypocrite since apparently, she couldn’t let go of the past herself.

“Becca?”

Aunt Wills’s soothing voice cut through Rebecca’s foggy thoughts. “Hmm?”

“Where did you go just then?”

Rebecca blinked. “I, um.” She sighed. “I think I’m going insane,” she blurted out.

Willamena raised a brow. “Well, that’s quite the diagnosis. Why don’t you tell me your symptoms? See, I am a licensed psychiatrist and will be able to tell you if your WebMD diagnosis is correct.”

For the first time all day, Rebecca smiled. “I didn’t Google it, I just feel… off. It’s stupid and frustrating, but I can’t seem to stop it.”

“I’m going to need details, Becca,” Willamena said patiently. Rebecca had been like this since she could remember. If she found a subject that she didn’t particularly feel comfortable with, she skirted the issue. It drove the psychiatrist in Willamena nuts. Hell, it drove the aunt in Willamena nuts.

“Okay,” Rebecca sighed. “Let me preface this by saying Cassidy’s and my sex life is magnificent. She makes my body do things it’s never done before.” She heard a small groan from her aunt. “Aunt Wills? I’m going to need Dr. Woodrow for this one.”

Rebecca could practically see the change happen. Where her Aunt Wills was uncomfortable, Dr. Woodrow was completely attentive. A small lean in, a change in her demeanor, and clear eyes completed the transformation. Rebecca often wondered if that’s where she acquired her ability to change into Mistress so easily.

“Go on, Rebecca.”

Rebecca took a deep breath. “I need you to know that I’m completely satisfied with Cassidy.”

“Rebecca, you don’t have to convince me that you’re happy with your sex life. Unless you’re trying to convince yourself?”

“No! I am. I’ve never been happier. That’s why this is so confusing to me.”

“What is?”

“This—this urge my body has.”

“What kind of urge?” Woodrow asked patiently. “Do you want to hurt Cassidy?”

“No. God, no. It’s the opposite. I want her to hurt me,” Rebecca whispered.

“Rebecca?” Willamena waited until she had her niece/patient’s attention. “I understand why this may concern you. However, it is quite normal.”

Rebecca scoffed. “Normal? It’s normal to want the woman you love to hurt you?”

“When someone has been through what you have, Rebecca, yes,” she answered calmly. “What Samantha did to you.” Willamena’s voice cracked ever-so-slightly and she cleared her throat. “You endured abuse over an extended period of time. It is not uncommon for victims of that type of maltreatment to become addicted to that pain.”

“Addicted. To pain.” Even though her aunt just told her it was normal, Rebecca sure as hell didn’t feel normal. “So, I am crazy.”

“No,” Willamena said forcefully. “I don’t want you thinking like that, Rebecca. I want you to acknowledge that your body is responding to trauma that was not your fault.”

“It was fifteen plus years ago, Aunt Wills! I’ve changed since then. I’ve become the dominant one! I’ve worked very hard not to be that weak anymore.”

“It’s not weakness, Rebecca.”

Rebecca impatiently waved away her aunt’s words. “Why? Why is this happening now when I’m happy? Is Samantha always going to be there, ruining my life?”

“I believe you just answered the why. Not Samantha, but your happiness. You said you love Cassidy, yes?”

“Very much.”

“And, you trust her?”

“With everything inside me.”

“Would you like my professional opinion?” Rebecca nodded. “I believe that you’ve found the one person that you could feel comfortable enough with, that you could trust enough, to let go of all of your defenses. That is why after fifteen years your body is beginning to have these desires.”

Rebecca remembered that night Cassidy told her she loved her. She also remembered how it felt when Cassidy fucked her hard after a raging orgasm. Perhaps it was feeling pain with that kind of pleasure, the pleasure she should have felt all those years ago, that brought this on.

“I don’t want this, Aunt Wills. How the hell am I supposed to tell Cassidy that I need her to hurt me?” She rubbed her temples, hoping to relieve a headache that was forming. “All this time I’ve been worried about turning into Samantha. I never even considered I would turn back into the old, weak Rebecca.”

“We’ll talk about your fears of becoming like that bitch at another time. Like when I’m not being your doctor and I can tell you what I really feel. But, for now, I’m going to tell you that you were never weak, and you’re not regressing. In fact, I think this is a breakthrough for you.”

“A breakthrough. Are you serious?”

“Quite. I know that decades of experience in psychology isn’t that impressive, but sometimes I do know what I’m talking about, Rebecca.”

“I’m sorry, Aunt Wills. I don’t mean to be so stubborn, I’m just…”

“Born that way?” Willamena joked, causing Rebecca to laugh. “I see this as a breakthrough because you’ve been very closed off for many years. When you talk to me about the past, you tend to do it without much emotion. Cassidy is good for you, Rebecca. The way she allows you to be you, and I’m assuming to be Mistress when you need to be, has given you the strength you thought you had by being alone. You’ve always been strong, Becca. But you doubted yourself. Even becoming Mistress, you doubted. I think Cassidy has given you the love that you need—that you deserve—and you’re finally learning to be the real you.”

“That gives her a lot of power over me,” Rebecca stated softly. As much as she loved Cassidy, she never wanted to lose control over herself again.

“On the contrary. You both hold the power. There’s no need for a struggle. Just honesty. If you explain to Cassidy what’s going on with your body, Rebecca, she will understand. Maybe she’ll be confused at first, but that’s why communication is so important. It can’t be about the physical all the time.”

“Hmm.” What a conversation that’s going to be. “You know, you should stick with this psychiatry thing. I think you could be successful at it,” Rebecca teased. Her aunt, as a well-respected, often published doctor, was extremely successful in her profession.

“I always say, not bad for someone who got their degree out of a Cracker Jack box.”

“I never get anything but stickers,” Rebecca muttered playfully. “Thank you, by the way.”

“It’s my job. And, my pleasure,” Willamena said with a smile. “Feeling better?”

“I will after I figure out how to bring this up to my girlfriend.”

“Would you like me to be there with you? Via Skype, of course.”

“Absolutely not. Having my aunt listening in on an already awkward conversation would not be good. However, if she needs to talk to you, could she?”

“Of course.”

“HEY, BABE?” CASStossed her keys on the table next to the front door. “I’m sorry I’m late!”

She hopped on one foot as she struggled with taking off her paint-stained boot. They had finally secured dinner plans with Hunter, Patty, and Mo, and Cass had been filled with nerves all day. To make things worse, she ran into problems with her mural, hit traffic on her way home, and her phone was dead. With the mood Rebecca had been in the past few days, Cass just knew she was in big trouble.

“Babe?” Cass called out again, this time with a little more trepidation. Normally, being a bit late wouldn’t have caused her so much stress. But, obviously, she had already done something to annoy her girlfriend and this was just going to add to it. Unfortunately, she had no idea what she did that has been bothering Rebecca and that worried her. Was Rebecca thinking of leaving again? Had Cass gone too far by confessing her love the other night? Nah. No way Cass would believe that. Especially since Rebecca had said it back and the sex afterward was fucking awesome.

So, what else could it have been that was making Rebecca angry? Cass shook her head at her thoughts. No, angry wasn’t the right word. Irritable. It hadn’t affected their sex life (thankfully). In fact, Rebecca had been a bit more aggressive, much to Cass’s delight. Sadly, every other aspect of their lives had been a little stressful, which meant Cass never found the right time to tell Rebecca about Hunter’s opinion about Samantha’s death. Cass was doing all she could to alleviate the tension. No way she was going to bring up the bitch. She’d wait until she could decipher the problem and fix it.

“In the closet.” Rebecca’s sweet voice came from behind a half-closed door.

“Since when?” Cass joked, hoping to ease any tension. She walked into the good-sized closet to find a topless Rebecca flipping through her clothes. As usual, the sight floored Cass. For more reasons than just the obvious beauty of the woman before her.

“Ha-ha. I tried calling you.”

“I know, babe, I’m sorry. My phone is shit.” She brought it out and showed Rebecca the complete deadness of the thing. “Forgot my damn charger.”

“You’re late,” Rebecca said softly. Since she still hadn’t gotten the nerve to talk to Cassidy about her needs, she had been trying to keep her irritability to a minimum. She hadn’t exactly been successful—most notably in bed which worried her—so, when Cassidy decided to be late today of all days it only exacerbated the situation. She was nervous enough about her friends meeting the love of her life. Not that she thought they wouldn’t like Cassidy, but there would be no hiding the age difference. That was one hurdle Rebecca had been wary of.

“I’m really sorry, Rebecca,” Cass repeated. “Had a mishap at the site and the deadline was today. Not too difficult of a fix, just took me a little longer. Then, of course, the damn traffic.”

Rebecca turned around to face her girlfriend. “So, it’s not because you’re dreading tonight?”

“What? No! I’m not dreading tonight, babe. I may be a little nervous meeting your friends, but definitely not dreading it.” Cass pulled Rebecca into her arms. “I’m ready to announce my love for you to the world.”

Rebecca smiled. “Me, too. But, first, you need to take a shower and get ready.” She stood on her tip-toes, kissed Cassidy tenderly on the lips, then turned back to her clothes to find something that wouldn’t make her look old. And something that wouldn’t make her look like she was trying too hard to be young. Her entire body stiffened when she felt a faint fingertip on one of the many scars on her back.

Cass felt Rebecca go rigid at her touch and sighed silently. She leaned down and kissed one of the marks gently. In the months they have been together, Rebecca never once spoke about the scars. And, until now, Cass had never done anything to bring attention to them.

“I always hoped you didn’t notice them,” Rebecca whispered.

“I noticed that first night you stayed with me,” Cass replied just as quietly. “But I wanted to wait for you to be ready to talk to me about them.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever be ready for that.”

Cass feathered her hands up Rebecca’s arms and placed them on Rebecca’s shoulders. She squeezed them lightly before backing away. She was disappointed, but she understood. She couldn’t even begin to imagine what Rebecca had gone through.

“Badges of honor,” Rebecca blurted before Cassidy could leave. “That’s what she called them.” She slipped on one of Cassidy’s t-shirts and turned around. “For her. The more scars she could leave on my back, the more powerful she felt. And the more she was in control of me. The worst ones,” Rebecca pulled up the shirt enough to show a large stripe that rounded her side and disappeared under the shirt, “happened the night she found out I bought the club. Afterward, she made me stand under the steaming shower.”

Cass curled her hands into fists, digging her nails into her palms. That fucking bitch. A tear rolled down her cheek and she closed her eyes when Rebecca wiped it away.

“Don’t cry for me, Cassidy,” she said softly.

Cass shook her head and took Rebecca’s beautiful face in her hands. “You have to allow me to be sad for you, baby. And you have to allow me to be mad that I can’t kill that bitch for what she did to you.”

“Don’t say that. You are too good to carry that guilt.”

“I could say the same to you.” Rebecca tried to turn away, but Cass held steady. “One day, baby, I will get you to believe that you have nothing to be guilty of.”

Rebecca gave Cassidy the smile she knew she needed. “Right now, you need to take a really quick shower and get ready.” She playfully pushed Cassidy back. “Cassidy? Hunter spoke to me once before about getting the scars removed. Or reduced. If they make you uncomfortable…”

“Hey. Don’t do that, baby. I may hate the way you got them, but there is nothing about you that I hate or would change.”

“Not even my attitude this past week or so?”

“The only thing I would change about that is whatever I did to annoy you.”

Rebecca chuckled. “Oh my God, you’re impossibly sweet. You didn’t do anything. I’ve just… we need to talk later, okay? Don’t look so scared, baby. I’m not going anywhere. Except for dinner without you, if you don’t hurry. Now, get that fine ass naked and get in the shower.”

Cass smirked. She said not to be scared, I’m going to trust her. “Join me?”

“We’ll never leave if I do.” Rebecca tapped her watch. “Five minutes, babe.”

“Only need three!” They both laughed as Cass stripped in record time and ran towards the bathroom. After what they just spoke about, the sound of laughter coming from Rebecca was a gift. She knew talking about the scars had to have reminded Rebecca of the pain of her past. As long as Rebecca would have her, Cass would continue to do whatever it took to remind Rebecca that her present and future would be better.

DESPITE THEIR LITTLEsetback, Rebecca and Cassidy managed to make it to the restaurant on time. The drive was quiet, but not uncomfortably so. The two held hands and merely enjoyed being in each other’s presence. Rebecca acknowledged that she probably could have had “the talk” with Cassidy then. But, once again, she chickened out, justifying her cowardice with not wanting to ruin the night if Cassidy didn’t like what she was hearing.

They were still holding hands when they walked into the restaurant. Cassidy rubbed her thumb over Rebecca’s knuckles and Rebecca responded by giving her a little squeeze. It was their way of letting each other know that no matter what happened tonight, they would be okay.

“Rebecca!” Hunter stood and waved them over.

Rebecca gave her long-time friend a huge smile and pulled Cassidy along with her as she quickened her pace.

“Hey, you. Long time, no see.” She gave Hunter a quick peck on the cheek before the introductions. “Hunter this is Cassidy.” She stepped back to let them get acquainted and hugged Patty. “Good to see you. And you, Mo,” she said, giving Mo a quick embrace.

Cass shook Hunter’s hand, trying not to stare. The woman was gorgeous. Well, not quite Cass’s type, but definitely Rebecca’s. How in the hell did Rebecca not hook up with her? She absolutely did not want to think of that, so she focused on Hunter saving her girl’s life.

“Got the handshake in, now I owe you a beer,” Cass grinned.

“You don’t owe me anything, but I’ll take it,” Hunter laughed and gestured for Cass to sit. Her approval of the woman grew in spades as she watched Cass wait for Rebecca to finish her hellos with the others before pulling her chair out for her.

“Patty and Mo, this is my girlfriend Cassidy,” Rebecca paused for a second as Cassidy automatically corrected her with “just Cass.”

“Never thought I’d ever hear those words coming from you,” Mo quipped before taking a swig of beer.

“Me, either. But here we are.”

Out of the three women, Rebecca clashed with Mo the most. It wasn’t because she didn’t like the woman. She did. It just so happened that Mo’s personality took a little getting used to. While Rebecca appreciated Mo’s frankness, it sometimes went a little overboard.

Patty, on the other hand, was a saint to put up with her wife’s frequent immaturity. When Rebecca had met them both during her stay at the hospital, she never would have guessed they were married. They were polar opposites in almost every way except in height.

Patty was a five-foot-two, no-nonsense, chocolate-skinned woman who could put the fear of God into you with one look from her light brown eyes. She was also a few years older than Rebecca and was known as the “mama” of the group. In contrast, Mo—who, unbelievably at times, was around the same age as Rebecca—was a stout butch with short, dirty blonde hair, and a childishness about her that could be as endearing as it was frustrating. Opposites attract, she supposed.

“Well, I can see why you’ve been hiding this one away,” Patty fawned.

“Why? Because she’s so young? Seriously, what’d you do, Becca? Rob a cradle?”

“Mo!” Both Hunter and Patty reprimanded Mo with a slap to the back of the head. A common occurrence in Rebecca’s experience.

“What! I’m pretty sure she knows she’s older!”

Hunter buried her head in her hands and Patty merely stared at her wife until the “tough butch” cowered.

“I apologize for my wife’s idiocy,” Patty finally said after more seconds of intense staring.

Rebecca shrugged. After fifteen years of Mo, she had been prepared for it. By the look on Cassidy’s face, she was not. She placed her hand on Cassidy’s thigh under the table and patted it.

“It’s fine. Tactless,” Rebecca said, looking pointedly at a now contrite Mo, “but fine. She’s right. I do know that I’m older. But, we seem to be getting along just fine.”

“More than fine,” Cass muttered. She took a deep breath (or two) before continuing. “Age isn’t a factor. She’s the one who keeps me on my toes. Besides, she’s taught me things I could never learn from someone my age. Things I’ve never even dreamed of.”

Hunter choked on her beer with laughter, Patty looked proud, Mo eyed Rebecca with a renewed respect, and Rebecca merely shook her head. She had been in the sex business far too long to be embarrassed by such declarations. That didn’t mean Cassidy wouldn’t be punished for it when they got home. And Rebecca knew exactly what tool she was going to use.

Cass glanced at her girlfriend and grinned. Oh, she knew she was going to get punished. What other reason would she reveal something so private? She was smart enough to keep it clean and simple but made sure everyone—especially Mo—got the gist. Now, she couldn’t wait for dinner to be over to find out what Mistress had in store for her.

“Well,” Hunter cleared her throat. “Now that we know of Rebecca’s prowess, tell us a bit about yourself, Cass. Uh, the professional side,” she said quickly as to not be misunderstood.

“Not much to tell,” Cass smiled. “I paint. That’s about it.”

“She’s being very modest,” Rebecca chimed in. “She’s a brilliant artist.” She saw Cassidy lowered her head and blush slightly. So cute.

“Brilliant is a little exaggerated, don’t you think? I just paint murals around the city.”

“Baby, Sumptor Galleries is going to feature you in the new gallery opening soon. That’s more than ‘just painting murals’.”

“Holy shit! That’s freakin’ big time!” Mo sputtered.

Patty rolled her eyes. “What my wife meant to say is congratulations. That’s fantastic!”

“Yeah, that,” Mo muttered.

“I’m throwing in my congrats as well,” Hunter said with enthusiastic respect. “From what I hear, Sumptor Galleries is one of the most prestigious in the business. Modesty be damned!” She signaled for a waiter who promptly strode over. “A bottle of your finest champagne, please. We’re celebrating.”

“That’s not necessary,” Cass protested. The praise was cool and all, but she wasn’t used to it.

“Of course, it is. We’re celebrating you and Becca being together and your success.” The waiter came back with a chilled bottle in an ice bucket. When each glass was filled, Hunter lifted hers in salute. “To Rebecca and Cass. May you continue to make each other happy. And, to Cass’s success. One day I’ll be able to say, ‘I knew her when’.”

Everyone raised their glass while calling out “cheers” and making sure to touch everyone’s champagne flute.

“Can we order now? I’m starving!”

The group laughed at Mo’s half-hearted complaint and Patty’s response of throwing a menu at her. Rebecca caught Cassidy’s eye and smiled at the glowing face. This was good. This is what they both needed. Not validation, but friends to share their happiness with. Not to mention, Rebecca had missed her friends immensely. She would make it a point to stay in touch better.

“Wait! Did you paint that mural on the strip? You know, the one with the woman and the big t…”

Whatever was about to come out of Mo’s mouth was forgotten quickly with another slap to the back of her head.

“I LIKE YOURfriends.”

Rebecca looked over at Cassidy and smiled. “They like you.”

“Mo’s a trip.”

“Mo is crazy, but she’s ours.”

“Do, um, she and Patty know about Mistress?”

“No, just you and Hunter. And, Eve.”

Cass whipped her head around. “As in Sumptor?!”

“Mmhmm. Watch the road. I know you only had one glass of champagne, but it always helps to keep your eye on the road.”

“Yes, dear.” She focused straight ahead. “Why?”

“Why, what?”

“Why does she know?”

“Eve? Because I told her. We’ve done a lot of business together. I was recommended to her years ago by a client. She wanted to open a club and that’s something I excel at. We’ve become close over the years and have talked about things.” She glanced over at a silent Cassidy. “Why does that make you jealous, Cassidy?”

“It doesn’t,” she muttered, then changed her mind. “Fine, it does. I Googled Eve Sumptor. Do all your friends have to be so damn beautiful and successful?”

“Eve Sumptor-Riley,” Rebecca corrected. “She’s married. And no one is as beautiful to me as you are, Cassidy.”

Cassidy reached over and took Rebecca’s hand. “That was pretty stupid, huh? Never thought I’d be that girlfriend.”

“Aunt Wills would probably tell us that a small dose of jealousy is healthy for us. That it’ll keep us on our toes.” Rebecca scoffed. “I might tell her to send her degree back to the Cracker Jack box, but who knows? As long as you talk to me about your feelings and don’t assume things that only make it worse, I think we’ll do fine.”

“Deal. Speaking of talking, you said earlier tonight that we needed to talk. Wanna do that now?”

“Oh! Um, it can wait until we get home.”

“When we get home, I fully expect to be punished for my indiscretion at dinner.”

“I knew you did that on purpose!” Rebecca laughed. “Don’t worry, you’ll get what’s coming to you.”

“Oh, I hope so.” Cass wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

“And, then, maybe you could, um, take a turn punishing me.” There! She said it! Not quite the way she should, but it’s a start.

The car swerved as Cass’s entire body jerked with surprise and arousal. “You—you want me to? I… you…”

“Baby, calm down before your brain explodes,” Rebecca chuckled. “We’ll discuss this more when we get home. I’ve come to realize that I have certain needs that I hadn’t anticipated. Hence the mood swings. I’ve been a little afraid to tell you.”

“You’re afraid of me?”

“No, no. Definitely not, baby. Quite the opposite.” Rebecca breathed in deeply. “Cassidy, when I tell you this, I need for you to listen, okay? Hear me out and then we can discuss if you need to. Promise?”

When Cass looked over at Rebecca the last thing she expected to see was anxiety. It was another moment for her to prove to Rebecca that their relationship was destined for greatness. Cass would make it so. “Promise.”