Always, in December by Emily Stone

Chapter Sixteen

‘Look, I’m here!’ Josie turned her phone around so Memo could get a view of Dundas Castle out of the taxi window as it crunched its way up the gravel driveway. An actual, freaking castle, no question about it. The building loomed over them as they got closer to it, two circular turrets either side of what she presumed was the main area, then a further square turret further down. It was grey stone and looked like a drawing out of a medieval history textbook. To the right of it stood a few bushy trees, their leaves already welcoming autumn with a golden hue, which somehow made the whole thing look even more majestic. To top it all off, the sky was a bright, clear blue, and even with her stomach not quite settled at the thought of the weekend – with all the happy couples that weddings inevitably conjured up – she couldn’t help loosening a breath at the sight of it all.

‘Oh, isn’t that just stunning?’ Memo said, and Josie turned the phone back the other way, smiling at Memo’s almost tearful expression. ‘I just love Scotland. It’s going to be such a beautiful wedding.’

‘It is,’ Josie agreed, trying to ignore the part of her that was dreading the whole thing.

‘You will take photos, won’t you?’

‘Of course,’ Josie said easily. Her camera was already sitting next to her on the middle seat, primed and ready.

‘And you’ll say hello to that lovely Laura for me?’ Memo glanced up at something out of sight above the laptop screen on her end and nodded. Grandad, presumably.

‘I will,’ Josie promised. Memo had only met Laura once, but she had this uncanny ability to remember every single person in Josie’s life, in extreme detail.

‘And you’ll be ok, there alone?’ Memo seemed to peer in more closely, taking in, no doubt, the slight bags under Josie’s eyes, the pale skin that she’d have to cover up later. She hadn’t been sleeping all too well since she’d got back from New York, a constant whirr in her mind asking her what the hell she was supposed to do with her life now.

Josie hesitated for the briefest of seconds before saying, ‘I won’t be alone, I’ll have Bia. And Laura.’

Memo looked up behind the screen, and smiled at something. Josie raised her eyebrows. ‘Grandad said something about Bia, didn’t he?’

‘He says to say hello to her,’ Memo said with another smile.

Her grandad muttered something inaudible as he came to sit on the red sofa next to Memo, one bushy eyebrow making itself known. Josie frowned, though Memo huffed out a laugh.

‘What was that?’ Josie asked.

‘He said he expects you could do with the break from Helen right now, in any case.’

‘I’m right here, Cecelia,’ her grandad grumbled. ‘I can speak for myself.’

‘Well speak then!’ Josie saw a slim hand reaching out to adjust the screen, and then her grandad’s face came into full view. He leaned forward, holding a cup of something hot – black tea, no doubt – between his hands.

‘Is she driving you mad, Josie? It’s ok, you can tell us.’

‘No, she’s fine!’ Josie lied. And really, yes, Helen was driving her slightly insane, but she knew she couldn’t complain – she was letting Josie live there, rent free, while she tried to get herself back on her feet.

Memo moved the screen back to her side of the sofa. ‘Oh we know just what she’s like, my love. She’s our daughter and we love her, but she was a total nightmare to live with as a teenager, and I swear she’s hardly changed at all. She was always bossing your dad around; I tell you, it gave me a headache.’ Memo smiled in a way that seemed genuine, but Josie wondered if she got that little jolt, every time she thought about the son she’d lost, just like Josie did, whenever she thought too hard about her parents. It was one of the things she loved about Memo, though – the fact she could talk about Josie’s mum and dad with love rather than sadness. It made Josie able to do it too, when she was around her.

‘She’s getting me to help strip the wallpaper in her bedroom,’ Josie admitted. Though, to be fair, she didn’t have much else to do right now.

‘Tell her to bugger off, Josie,’ her grandad said, slurping his tea.

‘Yes, and give her a cigarette if she complains,’ Memo said.

Josie tried not to smile as her grandad muttered something under his breath. She caught the word ‘encourage’, but not much else.

‘Anyway,’ Memo continued. ‘We’ll try and come to see you both in Guildford soon.’

‘Great!’ said Josie. It had been too long since she’d seen them both.

Her grandad popped his head into view. ‘Yes, and tell your grandmother I’m perfectly capable of driving, won’t you, Josie?’

‘He is not,’Memo said, before Josie could answer. ‘His back’s playing up again, and the doctor said he’s not supposed to do anything strenuous.’

‘Oh come on,’ her grandad said, slinking back out of the screen, ‘driving’s hardly strenuous.’

‘Is that my photo on the wall I see?’ Josie asked. She’d long since learned it was best not to get in the middle of their bickering – both sides tended to ignore what she said in any case, so she was better off leaving them to it. It would be Memo who got her way in the end though, no matter how much she made Grandad feel he had a say in the matter.

Memo looked over her shoulder. ‘Oh yes!’ It was the photo Josie had sent them of her standing alone on Brooklyn Bridge, bundled up in a hat and scarf but beaming nonetheless. ‘We love it, don’t we, John?’ Her grandad grunted his assent. Oliver had taken that photo, Josie thought, though the pang she felt at his name was barely there anymore.

The taxi came to a stop outside the castle as Memo looked back at Josie. Josie glanced at the taxi driver, but he just gave her a wink as he got out the car. ‘Did I tell you about the time your grandad took me to New York for our twentieth wedding anniversary?’

‘Umm . . .’ Josie glanced behind her to where the driver was now opening the boot and taking out her suitcase.

‘We left your dad and Helen home alone and I tell you, the house was a state by the time we got back.’

‘Memo,’ Josie said, ‘I’m going to have to go – the car’s stopped.’

‘Oh! Of course, my love, sorry.’

Josie cocked her head. ‘Aren’t you going to ask me about the quote?’

Memo smiled. ‘I was trying to be nice and let you get on with your exciting weekend. But it’s your turn, isn’t it? Do you have one?’

Josie brought up the message she’d written to herself on her phone, and read out the quote she’d written down. ‘The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.’

‘Oh! Oh I know that one!’ Memo flapped a slim hand across the screen. ‘It’s . . . Wait, don’t go, I know it. It’s . . . John!’ There was thump and then a groan, and Josie was pretty sure Memo had hit her grandad.

‘The Usual Suspects,’her grandad said from out of view.

‘Right, that’s it,’ said Memo, smiling and slumping back down on the sofa. ‘I would have got there eventually.’

Josie laughed as she turned off FaceTime, slipped her phone into her pocket and got out the taxi. She smiled at the balding driver as he handed over her suitcase – bigger than she’d usually take for just a few days, but necessary for the three separate formal occasions taking place as part of the wedding. You had to admire Laura’s vision for the whole thing, really.

‘You going to be alright from here, lass?’ the driver asked, hooking his fingers through the belt loop of his trousers, no sign that he was in any great rush. A far cry from the London or New York taxis.

‘Yes, thanks so much,’ she said, handing over the cash.

‘Aye, you’re welcome.’

She watched the car drive away for a moment, then let out a long, slow breath and crooked her neck one way then the other to relieve some of the tension. She turned a full circle to take everything in, allowing the slightly crisp morning air to caress her cheeks. The grounds were as epic as the building itself, seeming to stretch on indefinitely, though she didn’t want to think about how many hours a day it must cost to keep the lawn that perfect.

She nodded to herself, squared her shoulders. She was here now and even if she did turn out to be the only single person the whole weekend, even if she was bombarded with endless questions over what had happened with her and Oliver, she was here because she loved Laura and so she would damn well make the most of it. Besides, she was lucky – she got to stay in the actual castle for three nights, Laura having deemed her close enough on her side to take one of the limited rooms here. And, really, you couldn’t hope for a weekend in a more beautiful location – maybe it would prove to be exactly what she needed.

With that in mind, she put her suitcase to one side and picked up her camera. It was the perfect chance to capture the castle – there were two cars parked outside, but they were out of the way and easily hidden. Imposing, that was the right word for it. She supposed that was the point of it, originally. And the landscape was just glorious – blue skies, the sun causing reflections to dance in a few of the windows at the top of the turrets – though she imagined this was the type of place to look just as good with a moody, stormy sky in the backdrop. Still, she was glad of the weather, for Laura’s sake. It was one of Josie’s favourite times of year, September. You weren’t expecting glorious weather, so when you got the tail end of summer it was even better.

After taking a few photos on her camera, Josie snapped one on her phone, then sent a WhatsApp to Bia.

The castle!

She got a line of heart emojis back, then I’m SO excited. I’ll see you tomorrow!!

Josie smiled as she slipped her phone back in her coat pocket. Thank God Bia had agreed to step in as her plus one after Josie’d had to tell Laura that Oliver wouldn’t be coming after all – she didn’t think she could manage the whole weekend alone, pretending that she had absolutely no problem with being single in the face of her friend’s marital bliss.

For a good minute, Josie made herself stand there, trying hard to be in the moment. She had to admit, something about the atmosphere here, the beauty of it, made her feel a little more peaceful than she thought she’d be. But not just here – she’d felt the same in Edinburgh. Almost the moment she’d stepped off the train, she’d decided she loved the city and was instantly sad she only got one night there. She’d never been to Scotland before – her grandparents had taken her to Wales a few times on holiday, but never Scotland – and now she was struggling to think why she’d never bothered to visit of her own accord.

After giving herself that moment, she grabbed her suitcase and wheeled it through the double doors – heavier than they looked – and into the main hall. It was quiet inside, almost eerie. There was a fireplace on the right, though no fire currently burned there, and there were a few candlestick holders dotted around, half-burnt-down candles dripping wax down their sides. There seemed to be an abundance of wooden furnishings, and the big rug made it feel like she was stepping back in time – it was the type of thing that might have been fashionable when Josie was a child. Still, she supposed that was all part of the charm.

There was a smartly dressed man, holding a clipboard and smiling politely in front of a blue table – was blue granite a thing? – with the biggest bouquet of flowers she’d ever seen on top of it. ‘Hello, miss,’ he said, his accent softer than the taxi driver’s, his tidy appearance somehow giving the impression that he was too modern for a place like this. ‘Are you here for the wedding? Can I take your name?’

‘Josie Morgan,’ she answered, still glancing around the room, trying to take in every little detail.

Clipboard Man nodded. ‘You’re in Buttercup.’

‘Buttercup?’ Josie repeated with a slight frown.

‘The name of your room, miss.’

‘Oh, right. Sorry.’

He came forward and took her suitcase for her. ‘Shall I show you the way?’ At her nod, he wheeled her suitcase ahead of her, leading her to the left, past a circular wooden table and four ornate wooden chairs, and up an epic staircase, wide enough to fit at least four people side by side. They passed a chair and table at the corner of the staircase, in case you wanted to have a quick sit down, apparently. Josie ran her hand along the banister, feeling little tingles run up her arm. People actually used to live here. She couldn’t help grinning at Clipboard Man, who smiled back, as if he knew exactly what she was thinking.

As they neared the top of the stairs, there was the sound of voices, seeming to echo softly around the whole interior. ‘Ok, well look, I don’t need a microphone, I think that’s too formal for this evening, but please make sure that— Josie!’ Laura turned as Josie reached the top of the stairs. She had one hand in her hair, which looked both blonder and messier than Josie had ever seen it, and was standing with an older woman that Josie thought she recognised from a barbeque a while ago – Laura’s mother – and two almost identical petite women, both also holding clipboards. Laura pulled her hand out of her hair and broke into a big smile as she came towards Josie. ‘You’re here!’ She turned to Clipboard Man. ‘Can you just take her bags up for her and put them in the room, leave the key in the door?’

Clipboard Man nodded. ‘Of course,’ he said smoothly. He turned to Josie. ‘Will you be able to find your room?’

‘Where’s she staying?’ Laura asked.

‘Buttercup, I think,’ Josie said.

Laura waved her hand in the air. ‘No problem, I know where that is.’ Josie smiled wryly. Of course she did. No doubt Laura had studied and memorised the floor plan weeks before. Laura shifted back to the other three women. ‘This is my mum, Jose,’ she said, proving Josie correct as she indicated the older, classy-looking woman. She smiled politely at Josie, like she recognised her but couldn’t quite place her. ‘And this is Tiffany and Abigail,’ she said, gesturing at the clipboard women. Why did everyone need a clipboard? Josie wondered. Was it Laura instigating that, or something they just did here?

‘I’ve no idea where John is,’ Laura continued. ‘He’s off with some of his Scottish relatives somewhere, I swear there are more of them than I ever knew about, and every time he speaks to them he gets more and more Scottish. I swear I can’t even understand half of what he’s saying at the moment, so God knows how the speech will go.’ She was definitely talking faster and slightly more erratically than usual. ‘Anyway.’ She gestured again towards the clipboards. ‘We were just finalising the seating plan for this evening. I’ve put you on a table with Jess and Tom from work and Erin, one of John’s friends – is that ok? He’s sure you’ll like her, though he only thought to tell me this today, of course and she still hasn’t confirmed if she’s actually bringing her plus one with her, but she’s one of John’s best friends, so.’

If Josie kept smiling like this all weekend, she swore she’d tear her facial muscles. ‘Sounds great.’ Even though she hadn’t actually spoken to anyone but Laura from Peacock’ssince she’d left. A good thing, then, that it wasn’t just the two of them and Josie – it meant that work couldn’t be the only topic of conversation for the whole evening. And Jess and Tom, from the sounds of things, were minus plus ones tonight too. The thought of that made her relax slightly – maybe it would be genuinely nice to catch up with them, as long as they didn’t linger too long on what she was doing now.

‘Bia’s not getting here until tomorrow, is that right?’ Laura looked over one of the clipboard girl’s shoulder at whatever was written there.

‘Right. She’s getting the sleeper train.’ Since Bia was taking Oliver’s place, Laura wouldn’t have minded her crashing the dinner tonight too, but Bia now had a job as an estate agent – which by her own account she was quite good at because all you had to do was persuade people, Jose – and couldn’t get out of a viewing last thing today, what with it being a Friday.

‘Well, as long as she’s here on time,’ Laura said, tapping her fingers against her thigh. Laura and Bia didn’t know each other that well, but they’d met a few times at Josie’s birthdays and things like that, and Josie imagined Laura was thinking of the last party they’d been at together – Josie’s leaving party before she’d moved to New York – where Bia had got the time wrong and showed up an hour late, thinking that she was half an hour early, with decorations for the table in the pub that she’d intended to put up to surprise Josie before she arrived.

‘She will be,’ Josie said firmly.

Laura huffed out a breath, looked at her mum. ‘Could you do me a favour and try to find Dad? I just want to make sure he knows the plan today and tomorrow.’

Laura’s mum – Andrea, Josie was pretty sure her name was – smiled, and stroked Laura’s arm in a reassuring way. ‘He knows the plan, love, but I’ll go and get him, I think he’s in our room.’

‘Thanks.’ She turned to the clipboards. ‘I think that’s it’s for now, thanks.’

They nodded in unison. ‘We’re here if you need anything,’ one of them said.

As soon as they’d departed, Laura dragged Josie down to sit at the top of the stairs. ‘They’re good here, you know,’ she mused, glancing around their floor. ‘I thought they were a pain at first, but they’ve actually done quite a good job.’ It was high praise coming from Laura – Josie had no doubt she had the potential to be a total bridezilla, if only because she’d want everything to be done exactly her way and had so much experience putting things into action from being a publicist. ‘It’s been so stressful, trying to organise an outdoor wedding in Scotland of all places – the weather looks like it’ll hold, but we’ve had to have a contingency plan just in case.’ She tapped her fingers against her knees, currently covered in faded blue jeans. ‘Anyway, distract me.’ She looked at Josie. ‘You’re here early, I wasn’t expecting anyone so soon.’

‘Sorry,’ Josie said immediately, ‘I—’

But Laura waved Josie’s apology away. ‘No, no, I don’t mean that – I’m more wondering how you did it.’

‘Oh. Well I stayed in Edinburgh last night – didn’t want to be late for the dinner or anything.’ And trying to get the train and do it all in one day was a risk, in Josie’s eyes. Plus, as much as she loved her aunt, an extra night on her own away from Helen was something she’d jumped on.

Laura nodded her approval – Josie knew that early was definitely better than late in Laura’s book. She shook her head back, blonde hair almost down to her waist now, then eyed Josie critically. ‘Why the hell haven’t you been to see me?’ Josie frowned and Laura waved her hand in the air. ‘In London, I mean. Haven’t you been back since, like, May?’

‘June,’ Josie corrected. Laura’s brow furrowed and Josie gave her a little guilty smile. ‘Well, June technically. The second is still June.’ Laura made a ‘hmph’ noise and Josie gave her an apologetic look.

‘How was it then?’ Laura asked. ‘New York?’

‘It was . . .’ Josie waved a hand in the air. She sighed. ‘Do you know what, so much of it was great. We did everything you’re supposed to – Statue of Liberty, Rockefeller Centre – everything. And I went to all these cool parties with Oliver.’ It had been like something out of a film, Josie thought now. They’d arrived in an apartment provided by Peacock’sthat neither of them would have been able to afford on their own, only a forty-five-minute commute away from the centre of Manhattan, and had sat on their brand new sofa, drinking champagne that first night even though they were both knackered. The first month or so, Oliver had planned every weekend, determined to show her that he meant what he’d said about making it up to her, and had taken her to all the sights. It had been a total whirlwind in the beginning, and for a time she’d allowed herself to believe that she’d made the right decision in leaving London.

‘And how was it then, with him?’ Laura probed.

‘Well, we broke up,’ Josie said with a sigh. And she supposed it was only natural that people would ask about it. And it wasn’t that she was still too raw or anything to talk about it – she’d had time, over the last few months, to realise that it was definitely for the best – but it still wasn’t fun, admitting that your only serious adult relationship had crashed and burned, despite the fact that you’d moved to a different city together.

‘I know that.’ Josie could almost hear the ‘you idiot’ at the end of the sentence. ‘But why?’

‘We just . . .’ Josie lifted a hand in the air, let it fall again. ‘It just wasn’t working, I suppose. We tried, but . . .’ Laura nodded, and didn’t push. The thing was, it really had been great at first. Josie had decided to give Oliver another chance after Max had left her – it had made her realise that if you wanted something to work, you had to really work at it. And at first, they’d both tried hard – she’d made the effort to go with him to all his work parties, he’d introduced her to everyone, he’d made sure he kept weekends free to do what she wanted to do, and she’d tried to be supportive of his career, no matter her feelings about Janice or the company. She’d managed to get over the Cara thing – pretty much – and had accepted that it was a one-off, a mistake that he deeply regretted, and that it didn’t mean he didn’t care for her. But after the first two months, things had become more difficult, and it had felt more like they were both trying too hard, that surely it shouldn’t be that difficult. And then, she’d seen Max.

She still didn’t know why it had been such a dramatic turning point, given nothing had actually happened. It had reminded her, she supposed, of how she’d been feeling when she first met Max, how she’d felt when he left her the way he had. She’d thought about it, and had tried to imagine how she’d feel if Oliver did the same thing to her. She’d be furious, of course, no question about that. And she’d cry and scream and rage, and ask herself if it was her fault. All the normal things. But, when she’d looked at Oliver in that Brooklyn gallery, she’d had an uncomfortable feeling that maybe the emptiness she’d been left with after Max . . . maybe it wouldn’t be quite the same with Oliver. She’d thought that maybe it would be almost a relief.

She and Oliver had ended up fighting that night, after they’d got home. Oliver had claimed that she’d been off the whole night, that she still wasn’t over a guy she barely even knew, and that she didn’t have an interest in him anymore. It hadn’t helped that their sex life wasn’t exactly great by that point. They hadn’t officially broken up until a month after that, both of them admitting that all their efforts to spend more time together and make it work had actually had the opposite effect. She’d realised, in the space since the fight, that they just couldn’t go back. They’d been distracted by a new city at first, and that had hidden the truth of the matter – they couldn’t return to how they’d been before he’d slept with Cara, and she couldn’t pretend that Max had never happened.

It had been surprisingly easy to leave Oliver, to say goodbye, and that, Josie thought, said it all. He’d driven her to the airport; they’d laughed as they had a last drink together. She was glad they’d left it that way, without any leftover resentment. Glad it had been a mutual decision, and not because one of them had hurt the other this time. But still, it wasn’t exactly easy, admitting to herself that she’d thrown away her life in London and completely upped stakes for a relationship that was doomed to fail. Right after she’d almost given her heart away to a man who had treated her like a child treats their toys at Christmas – exciting to play with at first, then discarded as soon as they become boring.

‘I’m sorry, Jose,’ Laura said, putting a hand on Josie’s shoulder and squeezing. Josie shrugged as if to say it is what it is. ‘I still think it was brave, though. Giving it a go, going to New York. No one can say you didn’t try.’

‘Yeah,’ Josie said, working up a wry smile. ‘That’s true.’ And, on the days where she felt a bit more clearheaded about it, she allowed herself to think that too. She couldn’t have necessarily known for certain that it was the wrong choice until she’d gone and tried – so at least this way, she wouldn’t be wondering, wouldn’t be chasing the what if.

Laura gave Josie a little nudge in the ribs. ‘You could have at least stayed in New York until the end of the summer, though, then I could have come out and had a second hen do. I would’ve liked to go shopping there.’ Josie laughed and Laura grinned. ‘Where are you living now then?’

‘Guildford.’ She didn’t add that she was currently staying with her aunt in her tiny spare bedroom. That she was temping and that both that and the living arrangements were already driving her mad. It was a severe backwards step in her life, and she needed to get her head around it before inviting the opinions of other people.

‘I miss you in the office,’ Laura said with a little pout. ‘It’s just not the same without you. No one to make fun of people with me, or work out ways to drive Janice mad.’

Josie gave a little huffing laugh. ‘We never actually did any of those things.’

‘Yeah, but it was fun thinking about it.’ Laura glanced around, tapped her fingers on her knee again. ‘Jose, I really want to catch up, but—’

‘But you’re busy,’ Josie said, and got to her feet, Laura following suit. ‘I don’t suppose there’s anything I can do?’

Laura pulled Josie into a hug. ‘You’re already doing it, by being here.’ She eased back, angled her head. ‘Just make sure you read the itinerary if you haven’t already.’ Josie laughed again and Laura waved a hand in the air. ‘I know, I know, but even people who think it’s ridiculous will actually be glad of it.’ And it was hard to argue with that – Laura’s itinerary was certainly helpful, including start times for each of the dinners, optional activities throughout the weekend, places to stay if you weren’t in the castle, the dress code and what time she and John would be departing on the final night.

Laura gave Josie directions to her room, then called after her, ‘John has some single friends, you know!’ Josie looked back, raised her eyebrows. Laura gave her a wide, glowing smile. ‘Just in case you’re in the market for something.’

Josie shook her head and waved a hand at Laura as they parted ways, saving her grimace for when her back was turned. She knew Laura meant well, but she didn’t think she could face being set up this weekend, what with all that entailed and the enthusiasm she’d have to fake.

She found her room, the key in the door as promised, and let herself in. Her first impression was of yellow, the second that it would be very suited to a woman in her seventies. The bedspread matched the curtains – yellow, a deeper yellow than the walls, with a blue pattern design on them – and there were six pictures of different kinds of fish hanging on one of the walls. The bathroom was huge, including a full-length mirror and a bath that she definitely wanted to take advantage of later. On the vanity in the bedroom there was a computer set up, should you need it – a casual blending of old and modern. Josie decided in an instant that she loved it all.

Her suitcase was propped next to her bed, so she got out her camera and laptop, did a bit of editing then uploaded the best photo of the castle to Instagram – as with all the photos on her more ‘professional’ account, she included only a caption that explained where it was. Then she shut the laptop, took her camera, and went off to do some exploring of the castle.