Perfect Sinner by Maggie Cole

31

Gemma

"Gemma, come sit down,"Hailee says.

I ignore her, continue pacing, and ask Liam, "How's he going to get out of this? I should turn myself in."

It's a conversation we've had so many times, I've lost track. I even attempted to call the police on one of the old burner phones, but Declan caught me mid-dial. He took away my access to all phones.

"We've been through this. You need to be patient," Liam advises.

I spin and lock eyes with him. "You've been in prison. If Nolan gets convicted, he won't get out. Is that what you want for him?"

His face darkens. "Of course not."

"You were convicted of much less than what I did."

Hailee steps next to Liam. "Gemma. You need to stop talking like this and listen to Liam. I know it's hard, but—"

"You don't know anything. You didn't shoot a man and stab a woman to death. Your man is next to you. Mine's possibly going to prison for life for something I did. I'm not going to destroy his life—"

"Gemma, stop talking like this," Nolan demands.

I spin then run over to him. I throw my arms around him. "I'm so sorry!"

"Shh. It's fine." He holds me close to him and kisses the top of my head.

I glance up. "I want to turn myself in. I can't let you—"

"Stop. I'm not going to prison. This will all be cleared up in a few days," he claims.

I gape at him then recover. "What? How?"

"I can't go into it. Just trust me." He gives me a chaste kiss on the lips. "I need to talk to Liam for a moment."

I nod, trying to figure out how everything can morph from him being arrested for a double homicide to getting out on bail to all charges disappearing. I put my confusion aside and ask, "Are you hungry?"

"Starving."

"I'll make you something."

He kisses me again. "Thanks." He and Liam leave the room, and I go into the kitchen.

Hailee follows me. She puts her arm around me. "Good news, right?"

"I don't understand how it can all go away," I admit, still worried.

She sighs. "There is always going to be a lot they don't tell us. If Nolan says it's going away, you need to trust him. Don't do something stupid, Gemma."

I spin away from her and open the fridge. I pull out the ingredients for Nolan's favorite avocado and goat cheese sandwich.

Hailee's voice softens. "Gemma, are you okay? We haven't even talked about it. All we've focused on is getting Nolan out of jail."

"I'm fine." My insides shake. I blink hard and take an extra few seconds pulling the skillet out of the cabinet.

"Gemma—"

"I don't want to talk about it. Orla's dead. Nolan isn't going to prison. There's nothing to dwell on." I set the pan on the stove and add butter to it.

My sister stays quiet.

I pull out the cutting board, wash the basil, parsley, and spinach, then concentrate on chopping it into fine pieces.

"Mom wants to see you. She's worried," Hailee reveals.

I glance at her. "I don't want to see her right now."

"Why?"

"Why do you always have to push me?"

Hailee smirks. "Because I'm your older, favorite sister?"

I work on pitting the avocado.

"If anyone knows what you're going through, it's her," Hailee quietly states.

It's only a half-truth. My mother killed her sister. Orla, no matter how much I want to deny it, was my sister, too. But everything ends there. I can't get the movie reel Orla made out of my head. Watching my father brutally rape my mother while her sister sat there and happily watched makes me feel guilty for ignoring her all the months I did. And no matter how much Orla or her bodyguard deserved to die, I'm confused about how I could so easily do it. The thought of my mother with four young children, fleeing several states and hiding out all on her own, makes me feel nauseated. The repercussions of my actions are nothing compared to the burden my mother had to deal with while alone. I'm not. I didn't have any of the gruesome things done to me that my father did to her. And I can only imagine what sick things Riona evoked upon her. So I don't have any right to cry to her over my guilty, confused feelings.

"I'm sorry, but she's on her way over," Hailee admits.

I drop the knife. "What!"

She holds her hands in the air. "I'm sorry. I didn't know, and she's been asking for days. She texted she's on her way."

I close my eyes, wanting everything to go away and wishing I would have talked to Nolan and killed Orla with some sort of better plan.

Nolan and Liam walk in, and my mom is with them. She strides over to me and hugs me. "Gemma! I've been so worried."

"I'm fine," I lie.

She embraces me tighter.

All the emotions I'm trying to hold back come to the surface. I swallow them down, determined not to become a sobbing mess and be the strong woman I used to be before Orla entered my life.

Hailee clears her throat. "Liam and I are going to go. I'll call you later, Gemma."

My mom releases me and hugs Hailee. "Call me, too."

Hailee smiles. "I will."

She and Liam leave.

I put the ingredients on the bread and cover the skillet. Nolan comes up behind me and slings his arm around my waist. "Let me finish this. Why don't you go talk with your mom in private?"

I freeze.

He kisses my cheek and murmurs, "Whatever you're trying to avoid, you can't."

I glance up at him.

He pecks me on the lips. "Go."

I sigh and lead my mother into the office. We sit on the couch, and I face her. "I'm fine, Mom. Really."

She stares at me, and her eyes glisten. "No, you aren't. You can't be. I know you. And everything you went through—"

"Isn't anything compared to what you did. I'm fine."

She wrinkles her forehead and turns toward me more. She puts her hand on my shoulder then admits, "Nolan and Liam told me about the movie."

My gut spins, and bile shoots up my throat. I manage to swallow it down. The last thing I wanted was my mother to know I saw what I did. My insides quiver harder, and the emotions I'm trying to hide spill down my face. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I-I shouldn't have been so mean to you or been so selfish. What Orla did to me was nothing compared to what you went through."

My mother tilts her head and sighs. She strokes my hair. "Sweetie, what I went through doesn't negate what Orla did to you or what you're going through now."

"But my father...what he did...what Riona did... I..." I look away and hold my trembling hands together.

"Was horrible. They were evil people, just like Orla."

I spin back. "I'm sorry for what they did to you."

My mom's tears release. She pulls me to her. "I'm sorry you had to see it. I never wanted any of you girls to know anything about my past. Maybe I was wrong to try and hide it all these years."

I put my arms around her. "You saved us from a horrible life. I understand why you didn't tell us."

She pulls back. "Gemma, I'm worried about you. I thought when your father died, and we assumed Orla did, too, that everything would be okay. You sprang back to life. But this is a lot. I don't want you keeping all this inside. It's not healthy."

"I'll be fine. If you can handle everything you did on your own, then you don't have to worry about me," I try to convince her.

She shakes her head. "I didn't handle it on my own."

"What are you talking about?"

She shifts on the couch. "Several months after we moved, I almost committed suicide. Ciara pushed Ella. She fell and broke her arm. Social services came to talk to me. You were in preschool and came down with chickenpox then the school called. Hailee threw paint all over a little boy in school, and they were going to kick her out. My boss grabbed my ass at work. I flipped out and threw a mug of coffee at his back. He fired me. That night, I sat down with a bottle of pills. Amy came over and found me." Amy has been my mother's closest friend. They met at a park and were both single moms. We were always with her kids, growing up.

The shame of what I almost did the night Nolan walked in on me hits me like a dozen bricks. No matter how much time passes, it never gets easier to revisit.

My mom takes a deep breath. "I confessed everything to Amy. For several months, she came over after work and helped me with you girls. She made me see a counselor at the domestic abuse shelter. They also helped me get a new job."

"See. You had way more to deal with than I do. I'll be fine," I attempt to reassure her again.

She scrunches her face. "I kept having nightmares about killing Riona and the things they did to me. Nothing I did made them go away. I want you to talk to my old counselor. She's about to retire but said she would work with you."

"Mom! You told her?"

"No. I said my daughter had some things happen and needed her help. You can trust her. Whatever you tell her, she won't repeat."

"I-I killed two people. I can't tell her that!"

My mom nods. "You can. I promise. She's safe."

Talking to anyone about what I did seems wrong. "I'm not going to commit to that right now."

My mom squeezes my hand. "Okay. Will you think about it?"

I don't respond right away. I finally agree. "All right, but I'm not promising anything."

She hugs me. "I'm always here to talk, too."

"Do you want me to make you a sandwich?" I ask.

She smiles. "No, thanks. Simon is taking me for a late lunch."

"Did you tell him?" My mom and I talked a few weeks ago, and she said she was going to tell her boyfriend Simon everything.

She nods. "I did last night."

"And he's okay about everything, right?"

Her smile grows. "Yeah."

I hug her. "I'm really happy for you, Mom. You deserve a good guy."

"He is." She pulls back, and we go into the kitchen.

She hugs Nolan. "Glad to see you're back. Thank you."

He raises his eyebrows.

"For everything you did for my daughter."

He pins his gaze on her. "She's my life."

My mom smiles. "Let me know if you need anything." She pats him on the shoulder and leaves.

Nolan tugs me into him. "Are you all right?"

I reach for his face. "Are you? I'm so sorry. I—"

"You aren't doing this, Gemma."

"You shouldn't have taken the fall—"

"Gemma, sit down." He leads me to the couch and pulls me onto his lap. "I'm worried about you."

"I'm fine. My mom just had the same conversation with me. Now that you're home, everything is fine," I assert.

He studies me then says, "I know what it's like to kill someone. And the first time is the hardest to get over."

"Well, unless some crazy stalker wants to threaten me again, I won't be killing anyone else," I chirp.

He sniffs hard. "This isn't a joke."

My gut drops. "I know it isn't."

He slides his hand on my cheek. "I don't want you having nightmares the rest of your life. We need to talk about this."

I lean into it and close my eyes. "I'm not seeing that lady."

"What lady?"

I open my eyes. "My mom has a therapist she saw years ago. She wants me to see her. She claims it's safe to talk to and won't tell anyone what I tell her."

Nolan's expression turns neutral. I'm not sure what to make of it. He suggests, "Maybe it would be a good thing."

"Why can't I just talk to you and my mom if I need to?"

He tugs me closer to him. "You can always talk to me. I'm trying to do what's best for you though."

I put my arms around his shoulders. "Okay. Why don't you let me talk to you about it, and if it doesn't help, then I'll consider seeing her. When I thought Orla was dead, my nightmares went away. And now I know for sure she is."

He sighs. "Did you sleep last night?"

"No. I was too worried about you. Did you?"

"No."

I sniff him. "You need a shower."

He chuckles. "Yep."

I swallow hard. "Are you sure all these charges are going to go away?"

His eyes turn cold. "Yeah."

"Why do you look upset?" I ask.

"I'm not." He rises with me in his arms then pecks me on the lips. "I need a shower, you, then sleep."

I laugh. "In that order?"

He cockily licks his lips. "I'm pretty sure you might be a multistep task."