Raging Fires by Candace Camp

Chapter Twenty-Nine

This morning’s visit hadn’t been the conversation that Jake would have liked to have had with his grandfather, but it was the closest thing to it that he could get. And there had been a sort of peace in sitting there to think about things. Now he just had to admit it all to Kelli.

“I thought about what happened with us. I mean, really thought about it,” he told her. He kept his gaze on the bottle on the table, but he glanced up at her through his lashes to see how she was taking it. His stomach felt like it had a hundred little worms in it, and he wished now that he hadn’t gulped down his food. “It’s—I—you know I have trouble admitting things. I tell myself I would have won the game if I’d just had more time, if I’d delivered that one bomb better or if I’d paid attention to that safety cutting across the field to intercept the pass. And then I’d work on those things the next week. But I wouldn’t, I couldn’t accept that I’d failed. That I wasn’t good enough.”

“I know.” Kelli’s voice was soft, and she reached across the small table and put her hand on his. Maybe she did it just because the way he was picking at the label irritated her, but it made it easier to talk, anyway. This was going to work out. He’d make it work out.

“I never lied to you,” he went on. “But I lied to myself a lot back then. I was full of myself—I’d reached my dream, the thing I’d been working for all my life, and we had gotten married like I’d wanted to since I first saw you. I was celebrating, buying cars and the house and all, and buying you all those things you didn’t want and giving people money. I was being a jackass; even I knew that. But it wasn’t all because of my ego and wanting to impress people. I was scared, too. What do you do when you’ve gotten everything you aimed for? Where would I go from there? Where could I go? Football is all I know. And what if I wasn’t really as good as I thought? What if I failed? I couldn’t tell anybody—Pops was so proud of me, and I couldn’t look weak like that in front of you.”

“Oh, Jake. I wouldn’t have thought you were weak.” Tears were standing in her eyes now, which made him feel warm and also weirdly guilty, as if he was manipulating her to get what he wanted. Which he wasn’t. Except maybe he was, because he was trying to convince her and where exactly was the line there? As if he didn’t already have enough trouble figuring out how he felt.

“Well.” He shrugged. “That was the way I felt. So I had to act like I was the best, I couldn’t let anybody see I wasn’t totally confident; that’s a sure way to lose.”

“Jake, life isn’t like a football game.”

“Yeah, I found that out. Little too late though. You were already gone. And I was… I don’t know, lost, I guess. I was mad as hell at you. I was furious because it hurt so much. But I couldn’t be all emotional about it. And I couldn’t blame myself. I couldn’t admit I had failed at marriage—only two years and I’d already ruined it. So the problem had to be you. I couldn’t live thinking that I’d destroyed everything.”

“And since you couldn’t take it out on me, you took it out on everyone else,” Kelli said.

“Pretty much. I was going to show you. I was going to party every night. Throw a bunch of women in your face. ‘See how much they want me?’”

“Well, that worked.”

“Not for me. I was just drunk and lonely and angry. I torpedoed my career, and then I blamed you for that, too. But it was all me. I think I was punishing myself. I punished Pops and Gran. I tried to punish you.”

“You succeeded,” she assured him, but there was no heat in her voice. “You just weren’t around to see it.” Kelli leaned back in her chair, studying him. “What made you turn it all around? Change what you were doing?”

“Well, it was kind of a long process. I guess it started with my agent.”

Kelli shot up straight. “Ichabod Crane? Ichabod Crane gave you good advice?”

Jake let out a laugh. “No, not Sean. I forgot you called him that. No, Eric dropped me. That’s when I knew I’d really hit the bottom. But Emma Stanley took me on. She used to work at Sean’s agency, and she was familiar with me. She said she would rep me, but only if I cleaned up my act. She’s a tough lady; you’d like her.” He flashed a grin at Kelli.

“So she’s the one who got you to change what you were doing?”

“Well, that and desperation. Eric dropping me kinda scared me straight.”

“Sounds like she’s had a big impact on you, though. Did you two ever… never mind.” As Kelli shook her head, Jake couldn’t help but smile. It was always a little nice to see her get jealous.

“We never dated or anything else. I was trying not to screw things up at that point, and anyway, she’s not really my type.”

“I’m glad. Not that you didn’t date.” Kelli blushed. God, she was adorable when she was flustered. “I’m glad that she was there for you. I hated that I hurt you. And… fair’s fair, Jake—it wasn’t all your fault. Maybe I would have handled it better if I’d been older, more experienced. Maybe I’d have been able to help you more if I hadn’t been so miserable.”

“Miserable because I was an asshole.”

“No. Well, I mean, yes, you were. But it wasn’t only that. My whole life had changed. I didn’t know anybody except you, and you were gone so much—not just the partying, but the way football totally consumes your life half the year. I didn’t have anything to do; I couldn’t get a job. The wife of a millionaire can’t be a waitress or bartender or anything I knew how to do. And I didn’t have the education or the experience to get a fancy job that the other football wives wouldn’t look down on. Which meant I didn’t have any money.”

“What are you talking about?” Jake’s eyebrows shot up. “There was tons of money in our bank account.”

“Yeah, but that was really yours.”

“We were married, Kell.” Jake said, his expression perplexed. “It was yours too.”

“Yes, I knew that. But I didn’t earn it; you did. It wasn’t a salary. I can’t explain it; it just made me feel insecure, like I didn’t have anything of my own. All those clothes and the jewelry that cost so much that I was scared to wear it for fear I’d lose it. I didn’t even have my car.”

“You were unhappy because you had a Mercedes instead of that pile of scrap metal?” Jake’s voice vaulted up.

She rolled her eyes. “No. It wasn’t really that. But nothing felt like it was mine. It was like it could all be taken away from me in a second. I don’t know, my whole life in Miami somehow felt temporary. I didn’t really feel like me inside the fancy house or the fancy car. It was as if all the time I was pretending to be something I wasn’t. But the worst part was feeling… alone. I didn’t have friends or family or anyone besides you, and you were hardly there. I started feeling like my closest confidants were characters in shows on Netflix.”

“What about the other wives?”

“Oh, some of them seemed nice, but…” She shrugged one shoulder. “I wasn’t interested in the same things, I guess. And I was always afraid I’d say something dumb or that they thought I was stupid because I hadn’t gone to college..”

“You’re just as smart as any of them. Smarter than a lot. You’re friends with Stephanie Moran, and she’s a writer. I mean, she knows all kinds of stuff.”

“She’s different. She doesn’t care about status. But mostly I’m different now. I’ve done things, accomplished things. I’ve been pretty much running this business alone for a year. I’m my own person now, not just an accessory of Jake Riley.”

Jake frowned. “I’m sorry. I never meant to make you feel that way.”

“You didn’t make me. I just felt that way.”

He looked at her and then away. He let out a sigh. “We have a lot of baggage.”

“Yes.”

“And you’re right—we can never be just friends. But we’re attracted to each other, so we’ll never be just roomies, either.”

“No, I guess not,” Kelli agreed. Jake felt some gratification that Kelli’s eyes were sad as she went on, “So… what are we going to do? You think we can persuade Gran that Pops’ scheme’s not going to work? Get her to let us out of it?”

“Actually, I had something else in mind.”

“What’s that?” Kelli narrowed her eyes like she thought he was up to something. She’d always been sharp that way.

“We could start all over.”