Saddle Up by CJ Bishop

CHAPTER 13

“The Wish”

Garland faced the wall, his loins burning as the rest of him remained cold as ice. If he hadn’t turned Heff loose, things would have gone all the way, he was sure of it. The young man was already hard when he fell on top of Garland. What had gotten him that way? Garland didn’t know. A dream, maybe? He’d been asleep. A dream about Garland—or some other man? Had another guy gotten him jacked up and Garland was just a convenient release? He didn’t like the idea of simply being the closer to a dream or fantasy that had nothing to do with him. But he was hardly in any position to make judgment calls. Heff had done nothing wrong; his tumble on top of Garland was accidental—it was Garland who grabbed his ass and got things rolling. So, who the fuck was he to judge the boy’s motives? There had been no fucking motive… except on Garland’s part.

Had there been motive on the night of Heff’s sixteenth birthday? Garland hadn’t hesitated to let the boy into his bed knowing how Heff felt about him. Half drunk and awakening to the realization that he was gay—and hot for Mandy’s little brother… he should have never invited Heff into his bed. What he should’ve done was given Heff the bed and while he slept on the floor. But abruptly waking up to the young man standing half-naked in his bedroom… terrified of the storm… seeking comfort from Garland—his will to do the right thing was non-existent just then.

Now, after all these years, his will wasn’t much stronger… on its own. But with sufficient guilt piled on, it gained strength and reminded him why Heff was off-limits to him—forever.

Heff shifted around over by the hearth… and quietly coughed a couple of times.

Garland turned over. “You need your rest, too,” he mumbled, a heaviness to his words brought on by fatigue. “I’ll sit up by the fire.”

“What?” Heff cleared his throat. “No… you need to stay in bed… keep warm.”

The same fatigue plaguing Garland was audible in Heff’s voice. The boy put up a front, tried to imply he didn’t feel so bad… but Garland knew better. Heff had to have been out in the blizzard nearly as long as Garland—searching for Garland. Risking his fucking life for an undeserving bastard. As it stood, Garland would go to his grave with enough warranted guilt to set him up in hell for all eternity. If Heff took a turn for the worse and something happened to him, hell itself wouldn’t be punishment enough for Garland.

Heff coughed again, trying to muffle the sound in the blanket wrapped around him.

That’s it. Garland shoved the blankets back and sat up weakly, his feet dropping heavily to the floor. “Get in bed,” he rasped, that little effort laboring his breath. “Now… before you get sick.”

“I’m fine,” Heff said quietly. “It’s warm over here by the fire.” He rose unsteadily when he saw Garland sitting up, uncovered. “Garland…”

“It’s not up for debate.” Garland’s head sagged forward a bit before he brought it back up, barely holding his eyes open. “Get in bed.”

Heff came over and tried to get him to lay down. “Come on, Garland… don’t be stubborn. You’re in worse shape than me. You need to stay in bed.” He gripped Garland’s shoulders, attempting to force him back into bed, his voice quivering with emotion. “Please.”

The boy was genuinely frightened for his well-being. Why? Garland wondered. Why did he still give afuck about him?

Garland grabbed him around the waist and dragged him down, dumping him into the bunk nearest the wall where Garland had been laying before.

Heff looked shocked. “What… what’re you doing?”

“Putting you to bed.”

Heff grasped his arm. “Garland, please…” Tears formed, thickening his voice. “… you have to stay in bed. You’re not well.”

Resting precariously on his elbow, Garland stared at the boy. “Why do you care?” He swallowed a couple of times as his throat knotted. “Why the fuck did you come out in the storm? What the hell possessed you? How did you…” He shook his head, brow cinching tight. “Storms paralyze you—how did you make it?”

A light tremor quivered through Heff’s chin. “Your horse…” he whispered. “… it came home… without you. I-I knew you were too good of rider to just fall off… or get bucked off…” His chin trembled harder. “All I could think was that… was that you were out there somewhere… hurt… lost…” Heff turned his face to the wall as tears spilled out. “You’re all I have left of my family…” He curled his arm over his eyes, quiet, broken sobs catching in his throat. “… I couldn’t… I couldn’t lose you too.”

The boy rolled onto his side, turning his back to Garland, and buried his face in his arms.

Garland sank down on the bunk next to him and pulled the blankets up over them both. “You shouldn’t have come for me,” he mumbled hollowly and turned over, his back brushing Heff’s body—the one-man bunk allowing no space between them—and rested his head on his arm, staring at the fire. “I’m not worth saving.”

………………………………..

You’re wrong.

Heff watched the firelight flicker and dance up the cabin wall, his back touching Garland beneath the covers. The sound of the storm still frightened him… but not quite as bad as before. Though he was convinced he would be just as terrified as he’d been back at the house—if Garland wasn’t here with him.

“Why did you want me to tell you about that night?” Heff whispered, a rawness in his throat.

No answer. Garland wasn’t asleep. Like the night he’d spent with the man five years ago, Heff could tell by the sound of his breathing that he was awake.

“You said you needed to know… something.” Heff sniffed and swallowed thickly. “What?”

Garland sighed. “It was nothing,” he murmured. “I didn’t know what I was saying.” He exhaled long, wearily. “Go to sleep.”

You’re lying… it wasn’t nothing. The anguish in his voice when he’d pleaded for Heff to tell him—it sprang up from some deep well of pain within. Heff didn’t understand why Garland needed to hear it from him—only that he did.

“I remember the storm woke me up,” Heff said quietly. “Like it just came out of nowhere. It was bad… really bad… the thunder so hard and loud it shook the ground and the house.” He shivered at the memory.

“I don’t want to hear it,” Garland mumbled, a slight quake to his words. “Go to sleep.”

Heff continued in a near whisper. “It knocked the power out… I was scared to death. I thought Mandy would come check on me, but she slept through it. When I got too scared to stay in my room alone, I left the bedroom and was going to Mandy and Frank’s room, but…” He licked his lips anxiously. “… I stopped at your room instead. Maybe because you were closer… I’m not sure.”

Garland shifted on the bunk and his body grew tense against Heff.

“I was scared and I just kind of… barged into your room, waking you up.” Heff went quiet for a moment as his heart began to thump harder and faster. His voice shook a bit and grew raspy as he spoke of Garland refusing to let him sleep on the floor and, instead, inviting him into his bed, and how nervous Heff was to be in his bed. He let out a shaky breath. “You didn’t complain… even when I got more frightened by the storm and crowded you.” Heff blinked back fresh tears. “The closer I was to you… the safer I felt.”

Garland adjusted his arm beneath his head. “But you weren’t safe with me,” he spoke in a coarse whisper.

“That’s not how I remember it.” Heff looked over his shoulder at the man’s back. “You…” His breath shuddered. “You made me forget about the storm… and that made me safe.”

• ••

The storm surged, detonating in a cacophony of chaos. Thunder cracked the heavens and quaked the earth, explosion after explosion with no pause in between. The wind swelled… and swelled… slamming furiously against the house… the force building like a pressure with no release.

It’s gonna tear the house apart! The terror was real and Heff broke into cries of panic, his breath coming too fast, too hard.

I can’t breathe—I can’t breathe!

Then Garland’s arms wrapped him, turning Heff to him, engulfing the boy in a protective embrace… holding him tight… lips touching his hair.

“It’s okay,” the man whispered, his voice strong and confident. “You’re going to be okay. You got this, baby… you got this.” Garland held him a little tighter. “And I got you… I’ll never let anything hurt you.”

Heff clung to him with a death grip, shaking and sobbing. Garland murmured to him softly and rubbed his back, assuring him over and over that the storm would pass, and everything would be all right.

Though the “pressure” of the storm continued to build, Heff’s panic eased as he rested cocooned inside Garland’s strong arms. He buried his face in the man’s neck, breathing him in… his very scent creating a calming effect.

Garland ducked his head and his cheek brushed Heff’s flushed, tear-streaked face. “You’re safe,” he whispered. “I would never let anything bad happen to you.” His breath sifted out unevenly, warming Heff’s damp skin, puffing softly over his ear. “You don’t know what you mean to me.”

Heff trembled as a sudden, startling surge of heat rushed through his body, igniting parts of him that were pressed up against Garland. Heff slowly lifted his head, his mouth so close to the man’s lips. He had meant to speak to Garland, ask the cowboy to tell him what he meant to him, but then… he kissed Garland. It wasn’t a long kiss because once Heff realized what he was doing, he pulled away quickly, suddenly terrified that Garland would be mad and kick him out of his bed, out of his room.

“I-I’m sorry…” Heff ducked his head, heart pounding wildly, eyes stinging. “I-I didn’t mean to… I… I shouldn’t have…” His breath came quicker, shuddering out of him. “I know you’re not… gay… I-I’m sorry… I won’t… I won’t do it again. Please don’t make me leave.” The fury of the storm came back to him in full force and with the fear and panic of having to return to his room alone.

Garland touched Heff’s chin and lifted his face. “Why did you kiss me?” he asked softly… an odd hitch to his voice.

Heff sniffed as tears rolled down his face. He closed his eyes. “You… you don’t want to know why.”

“I do,” Garland whispered. “Tell me, Heff.”

Keeping his eyes closed, afraid to see the look on Garland’s face, Heff told him the truth. “I… I love you.” He bit his lower lip, chin trembling. “I-I’m sorry… I didn’t… I didn’t mean to. I-I know you’re not gay… I’m sorry.”

Garland was silent and Heff couldn’t open his eyes, didn’t want to see the truth he already knew in his heart… that the friend he loved and adored would never—could never—return that love.

“You, um…” Garland quietly cleared his throat. “You keep saying that.”

“What?” Heff trembled.

“That you know I’m not… gay.”

Heff sniffed as warm tears seeped from beneath his lashes. “You’re not.”

“Hm.” Garland exhaled softly. “I guess you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”

Heff’s eyes came open when Garland brushed a kiss across his mouth. His throat worked but he couldn’t speak—shock disintegrating his words. Garland stroked his fingertips down Heff’s cheek… and kissed him again.

A whimpering moan caught in Heff’s throat, and he pushed into the kiss with his entire body… his excited body. Garland responded with equal “excitement”, sliding both arms around the boy, drawing him closer.

Heff had never kissed anyone before now and didn’t know if he was any good at it—if not, Garland wasn’t complaining. One thing he knew… Garland kissed like a god, igniting feelings and emotions and sensations in Heff that he didn’t know a kiss could inspire.

When Heff shivered, Garland eased out of the kiss but didn’t pull away, his warm lips lingering against Heff’s mouth. “You’re…” He cleared his throat as his voice rasped. “You’re pretty good at this… who’ve you been practicing with?”

Heff smiled and blushed. “No one.”

“Mm. Not sure I buy that.” Garland gazed into his eyes and trailed his fingertips along Heff’s spine through his t-shirt, causing a flurry of shivers in the boy. “Then again,” he murmured with that husky rasp that made Heff tingle from head to toe, “maybe you’re a natural.”

Heff’s lips trembled against the man’s mouth… then stole another kiss.

This time, Garland moaned and crushed Heff in his arms… his hands sliding down to the boy’s hips… squeezing… then slipping beneath the back of Heff’s shirt. Heff quivered all over when Garland ran his palms up his bare back, strong fingers gripping his lean muscles, pressing into his warm flesh.

Pleasurable sounds filled Heff’s throat, and he was vaguely aware of curling his leg over the man’s hip… pushing hungrily against him… their aroused bodies rubbing… rocking slowly.

“Fuck…” Garland broke the kiss and leaned back, dragging a shaky hand over his face, panting unevenly. “We… uh…” A shuddery exhale escaped him. “We… should stop.”

Heff disagreed. His fantasy was coming to life right before his eyes… the moment he’d dreamed about since he first laid eyes on the cowboy. He didn’t want to stop… didn’t ever want this to end.

“Just a little more,” Heff pleaded, caressing the man’s bare chest.

Garland whimpered. “Heff… I… I don’t know if I can do just a little more.” He swallowed thickly and breathed harder. “I’m half drunk… not feeling very strong right now… and if we start again… I don’t know if I can stop.”

Pushing closer, Heff nuzzled his neck, kissing the tender skin, slightly coarse with stubble. Heff shivered, loving the feel of it against his lips, his face. “I… I don’t want you to stop,” he breathed shakily, excited and terrified by his own admission.

“Heff…” Garland agonized. “You’re not making it easy to resist.”

“Don’t.” Heff didn’t know where his boldness came from—maybe the sexual adrenaline pumping through his body—but he wanted tonight, of all nights, to be “the” night. “When you asked me the other day, what I wanted most for my birthday…” His throat knotted. “It was you that I wanted more than anything else… you were my birthday wish.”

Another agonized whimper escaped Garland. “Dammit, Heff…” He crushed the boy’s mouth in a hungry kiss, slowly shifting, drawing Heff beneath him…

• ••

Reciting the events of that night left Heff shaking… his body on fire… his heart ignited with emotions he hadn’t experienced so strongly in years. His back touching Garland, he felt the tremors running through the man; he remembered, too… how good it had been… how they had lost themselves in one another.

The cabin wall blurred through Heff’s tears.

I want to be lost with you again, and this time… never be found.