3

Alix

Was she happy with her life? What sort of a question was that? And why had Christy asked it?

She loved her life. She loved her apartment in London, with its views over the river. She loved the fact that she had her huge, comfy bed all to herself. She didn’t sleep on one side, waiting for someone to fill the other side. She slept in the middle. If she wanted to read in the night, she turned the light on. Her fridge was full of her favorite food, her shelves stocked with her favorite books. Most of all she loved her job—every glorious, challenging, frustrating, stimulating minute of it. Lonely? As if!

Alix stood in front of the mirror in the luxurious hotel bathroom and carefully applied her makeup.

She particularly loved her job right now, when she had a few minutes to reflect on the success of the Christmas advertising campaign she’d spearheaded the year before. She’d even made her boss smile, and that had only happened twice in the whole time she’d been VP of Marketing for Dream Toys.

She’d spent the past two days at head office on Fifth Avenue, listening to presentation after presentation, drinking endless cups of bad coffee to keep herself awake. A significant amount of their business was now online, and it was the work of Alix and her team that had helped drive sales steadily upward. What a year they’d had! While many businesses were struggling, theirs was soaring, thanks to careful curating of their range and Alix’s skill at spotting a winner and making it top of the wish list of every child.

Her year had culminated in the launch of the campaign for the holiday season, and that was the reason she was here now, heading to the awards dinner.

Campaign of the Year.

At work they called her the Queen of Christmas. They barreled into her office, asking her questions about the holiday season, seeking her opinion. It made Alix laugh to think they considered her an expert on all things festive. She knew toys, but that was it. Everything she knew about the holiday itself she’d learned from watching and listening. She had no personal experience of a family Christmas. She didn’t know how it felt to gather together as a family to celebrate. Her parents had divorced when she was six, and for a few painful years after that she’d been shuttled between them like an unwanted Christmas gift. If you take her this year, I’ll have her next year. She was pretty sure if they could have sent her back for a refund, they would have done it.

Christmas had been a tense time for all until the year they’d both had to travel abroad for work and had asked Christy’s mother to take Alix.

In Christy’s warm, cozy home, she’d experienced her first family Christmas, and the fact that it hadn’t been with her own family didn’t matter. She’d sat under their enormous tree and stared in wonder at the glittering ornaments. She’d helped in the kitchen, eaten at the table, played games and joined them on long winter walks. She’d even had her own stocking: red with a bow and stuffed with thoughtful presents.

Christy’s mother, Elizabeth, had treated her like her own, and only once did Alix overhear her talking about it.

That poor girl. Some people shouldn’t have children.

It was the first of many Christmases she’d spent with them. Thanks to that experience, she considered herself an expert on how to create the perfect Christmas for children.

She ignored the slightly hollow feeling inside her and pointed her mascara wand at the mirror.

“You, Alix Carpenter, are a big fake. Let’s hope you’re never found out.”

She felt a wave of exhaustion.

Thank goodness for adrenaline and makeup and the promise of a vacation soon. She had two whole weeks off over Christmas. Two weeks to sleep late, ignore her phone and catch up on TV shows everyone talked about but she never had time to watch. And, most exciting of all, a whole week with Holly and Christy in Lapland.

How many times had they talked about Lapland as children?

It was a dream that had seeped into her work, and the company had recently launched an Arctic range at her suggestion. A remote-controlled wolf, a board game for the whole family that involved racing around Lapland by ski, snowmobile and sled. Meet a reindeer, go back five spaces. A night-light that shone greeny-blue aurora around the room. She’d already sent one to Holly.

Hopefully her trip would provide more inspiration for additions to the new range, but she didn’t mind if it didn’t. This was all about enjoying time with Holly and Christy. Could there be any better way to spend Christmas?

Seb would be there, too, of course, but after a rocky beginning to their relationship, they’d both moved on.

Whatever their differences, they had one big thing in common.

They both loved Christy.

Of all the challenges that friendship could bring, the one Alix hadn’t expected was that her closest friend would marry a man she didn’t like.

Alix frowned. No, it wasn’t that she didn’t like Seb. More that she didn’t trust him. She’d known him vaguely before Christy had met him. He’d frequented the same fashionable bar that she often went to after work, where the crowd was the usual predictable mix of stressed city workers. They’d never been interested in each other, but she’d been aware of his reputation with women, so when he and Christy had been attracted like magnets the first time they’d met, she’d been concerned. Concern had turned to alarm when Christy had announced shortly after that she was pregnant and intended to marry him. What should have been a fun, casual evening had turned into forever.

But if rumor was correct, Seb Sullivan didn’t do forever.

And she’d felt guilty and more than a little responsible because Christy would never have met Seb if it hadn’t been for Alix.

She’d done everything she could to talk her friend out of it, which hadn’t exactly endeared her to Seb or to Christy or to the best man—although that was a whole other story—but at the time that hadn’t mattered. She’d been trying to save her friend from making a terrible mistake. What was friendship if it wasn’t looking out for someone you loved? Being straight about the things that mattered? Christy’s happiness mattered to her, but Christy had decided that happiness had meant marrying Seb.

Fortunately that little blip hadn’t damaged their friendship, and Alix knew nothing ever would. Their bond was unbreakable. It was true that she felt a little squeezed out by Christy’s relationship with Seb, but she had to admit that, so far, the marriage seemed to be working out. Seb was a good father, and he seemed to love Christy. He’d embraced Christy’s dream of moving to a cottage in a small country village. Alix hadn’t been able to imagine Seb spending his weekends going on muddy walks or enjoying a pint in the local pub, but apparently she’d misjudged him, because they’d been in the cottage for eighteen months, and everything seemed to be going well.

Alix had never been happier to be wrong.

Behind her hung the dress she’d bought that afternoon in a half-hour break between meetings. It was silver, high in the neck, and fitted her perfectly. Not black. Not businesslike. But she had to admit that she loved it. It was even a little festive, and if you couldn’t sparkle in Manhattan in December, then when could you?

Sure that Christy would approve, she slid on the dress.

On impulse she snapped a selfie and typed a message to Christy.

Followed your advice. New dress. I’m going to look like something that fell off a Christmas tree.

She paused before she sent it, weighing up whether she should or not. There had been a time when she never would have asked herself that question. She and Christy had messaged each other multiple times a day in an almost nonstop conversation, but that had changed when Christy had married Seb. Christy’s messages had become less frequent. And that was to be expected, of course. Her friend was married. Busy. But it had made Alix self-conscious about the messages she sent, too. How many was too many? Especially after her phone call. Was she intruding? Unsure, Alix had tried to scale back her contact.

She pressed Send, feeling a little awkward at overthinking something so simple as messaging her friend over a dress. In all other parts of her life, including her work, she was decisive and confident.

Pathetic.

She picked up her purse, took one last glance at herself and headed out the room.

She didn’t care much about the dinner or the ceremony, but she was looking forward to seeing other members of her team. She never forgot that this was a team effort, and she worked with good people.

Lonely? No way.

She was sliding into the car that had been booked for her when she realized Christy hadn’t replied. But with a five-hour time difference, that probably wasn’t surprising. Her friend was probably already deeply asleep.

Remembering their conversation earlier that day, she squashed down the flicker of concern. She couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong, but if that was the case then Christy would have told her. Maybe they didn’t share every single little thing that happened in their lives anymore or talk as often as they used to, but they still shared the big things.

She leaned back in her seat, enjoying the moment. Manhattan during the day was fun, interesting and exciting, but at night it was spectacular.

She didn’t quite understand why, but every time she landed in this city she felt as if she’d made it.

She’d survived her ice-cold childhood and built a life for herself. No one knew what lay behind her. No one cared.

Her phone beeped, and she checked it, expecting Christy, and saw a message from her mother.

Won’t be back in London for Christmas, but money wired to your account. Fiona.

Alix stared at the message and then rolled her eyes.

Hi, darling, have a great Christmas. Love, Mum.

Fat chance.

She imagined her mother’s assistant tentatively putting her head round the door of Fiona’s chaotic office. A reminder to send a gift to your daughter, Professor Carpenter. Her mother would have been irritated by the interruption.

She was relieved and a little proud that she felt nothing. There had been a time when a message like that would have ruined her day, but she was made of tougher stuff now. She’d worked hard to achieve this level of emotional control. Feelings, strong feelings, were inconvenient at best, painful at worst, and she made a point of avoiding them. It made life so much easier, so much smoother, that frankly she didn’t understand why more people didn’t do it. Only last week she’d had to support her assistant through an emotional crisis when her boyfriend had ended the relationship. Alix had handed her a tissue, given her the rest of the day off and refrained from pointing out that if she stayed single nothing like this would ever happen again.

“We’re here, Ms. Carpenter.” The car purred to a halt outside one of New York’s finest hotels, and a uniformed man stepped forward to open the door.

Alix pushed a bill into his hand and walked into the marble foyer.

A huge Christmas tree reached upward, a stylish pyramid of silver and sparkle. Alix found herself thinking of the decorations Holly liked to hang on the tree. A misshapen reindeer she’d baked in the oven. A silver star with uneven points. In her opinion they held more appeal than the glittering symmetry of the ornaments adorning this tree.

Thinking about it brought a rush of warmth.

She was going to have a brilliant family Christmas, just not with her own family.

Her boss, Miles, was waiting for her, phone in hand.

“You were right about that reindeer.” He showed her the screen. “It’s selling so fast we can’t keep the stores stocked.”

It was typical of him to dive straight into work, and that was fine with her.

They walked together toward their tables in the ballroom, talking numbers and strategy.

The room was filling up fast, and when they finally took their seats and the evening began, Alix finally treated herself to a sip of champagne.

She chatted to her colleagues, keeping the conversation light and neutral. When they asked about her plans for the holidays, she told them she’d be spending it with friends in Lapland.

When one of them asked about her family, she brushed the question aside, deflecting as she always did. It really didn’t bother her that her parents had no wish to spend Christmas with her, but it was hard to convince people of that, so she preferred not to talk about it.

It would have been easy for her to hate Christmas, but thanks to Christy she loved it. Her friend’s generosity was something she never took for granted. Their friendship was the most important thing in the world to her. Now that, she thought as she took another sip of champagne, was the one relationship where she allowed her emotions to be engaged. She loved Christy like a sister, and Christy loved her back. Their lives had been intertwined since childhood, and they knew every little detail about one another. She knew that Christy hated peanut butter and always slept with two pillows. She knew that she preferred baths to showers, that she never went to bed without first applying moisturizer and that she threw her mascara away after exactly three months. (She made a note in her diary.) She knew that Christy would always choose to eat a raw carrot over a bowl of ice cream and that she’d only ever been blind drunk once in her life. (Vodka. Never again.) She knew that Christy’s way of handling a difficult situation was to ignore it and that the last thing she did before she went to bed at night was make a list of all the things she had to do the following day.

And Christy knew her, too. Christy was the only one who knew Alix had lost her virginity to Charlie Harris and that sometimes she liked to sleep with a light on. There was nothing they couldn’t say to each other. It had occurred to her, more than once, that what you needed most to help you navigate childhood and adolescence wasn’t good parents but a great friend. It was the only relationship she’d ever let herself rely on. There were times when she didn’t feel quite as close to Christy as she’d once done, but that was only to be expected given the change in their circumstances. Deep down they had a special bond, and that would never change.

“Wake up, Carpenter.” Miles nudged her. “We won. Get up on that stage, and make a speech.”

She heard the applause, saw images of their campaign flash across the giant screens and walked with the rest of her team to collect the award.

As she returned to her seat, she felt her phone vibrate.

She sneaked a look and saw Christy’s name on the screen.

It was three in the morning in London. Christy was a big believer in the restorative powers of sleep, which was why she never had dark circles around her eyes like Alix. She would never call in the middle of the night unless it was an emergency.

“Excuse me.” With an apologetic smile to her colleagues, Alix gracefully wove her way through the tables and out of the hall into the foyer.

She found a quiet area and sat down on a plush sofa next to yet another dazzling Christmas tree. It was like being in a sparkling, festive forest.

“Christy? Is everything okay?” She asked the question even though she knew things couldn’t possibly be okay. “Hello?” For a moment Alix wondered if her friend had ended the call, but then she heard a muffled sound.

“Are you crying?” She sat up straighter. Her friend was more emotional than she was, but she didn’t often cry. “Christy?”

“I’m okay.” Christy sniffed. “Am I disturbing you? Has the award thing finished?”

“Yes. Boring, anyway.” Alix eased her feet out of her shoes and rubbed her sore heels with her fingers. “Tell me why you’re awake at this hour.”

“I need a favor.”

“A favor?” Her heart leaped. It had been a long time since Christy had asked for her help with anything. And she hadn’t anticipated how hard that would be to handle. She’d gone from being at the center of Christy’s life to the margins. “What favor? Name it.” No matter what you need, I’m here for you.

There was a pause, as if Christy was struggling to get the words out. “I need you to take Holly to Lapland.”

“We are taking Holly to Lapland.”

“I mean you, not me. I can’t go right away.”

“I— What?” Of all the things she’d anticipated being asked, that wouldn’t have made the list. “But this is the dream trip. The perfect Christmas. You’ve been planning it for ages.”

“I know. I’ll still be joining you. Just a few days later, that’s all. It’s fine.” The waver in her voice suggested differently. “But I need you to look after Holly.”

Alix stared at the enormous Christmas tree in front of her, a suspicion forming. It was all very well being wanted and needed, but…

“What’s happened? And where’s Seb in all this?”

“He has a meeting he has to attend. A work thing.” Christy stumbled over the words. “Disappointing, obviously, but one of those things. We’ll fly out together a few days later and join you.”

Work? Who blew off a long-planned trip to Lapland at Christmas to work?

She had to stop asking herself these questions. What did she know about relationships, anyway?

Alix watched as a glamorous woman swept through the lobby on the arm of a good-looking man. He paused to kiss her, and she laughed and kissed him back, oblivious as to who might be watching.

Alix looked away.

If Christy had been there, she would have rolled her eyes at her friend. You’re so unromantic, Alix.

Maybe she was, but being unromantic had protected her from emotional disaster. She’d never suffered what other people called a broken heart. In fact, the last man she’d spent time with had questioned whether she even had a heart, which she thought was a little harsh. Dating, in her opinion, wasn’t so different from recruitment. You drew up a job description and then looked for someone who was a good fit. Romance and passion were unpredictable and undefinable. Also unreliable. She wasn’t interested, but she knew Christy was. Christy was the original romantic, and Seb had to know that by now. She frowned. Did he know that? Of course, he couldn’t possibly know Christy as well as she did; after all, she’d had a twenty-year head start, but surely he knew that basic detail?

A colleague approached, and she waved them away, indicating that she needed privacy. “It’s Christmas. Did he try telling his boss he’s taking his daughter on a dream trip to Lapland?” What boss would override that? “Couldn’t he say no?”

“Now you’re being judgy.”

Alix closed her eyes. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to be.”

“He has to stay, so I’m going to stay with him. It will be good to have some adult time on our own, without Holly.”

But Christy had never left Holly for more than a few hours before.

There was something her friend wasn’t telling her. What? And, more importantly, why? Maybe they didn’t spend as much time talking as they used to, but they didn’t have secrets. Did they?

“Talk to me, Christy. What’s wrong really? Tell me.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. And I have told you.” Alix felt a flicker of unease. There was only one reason she could think of that Christy wouldn’t be straight with her. Her marriage. Could she ask? No, definitely not. Not after the last time. Christy had forgiven her for interfering that time, but she might not do so again.

“Tell me how I can help.” Talk to me. I’m your best friend.

Maybe Christy was waiting to see her in person to confide in her. Some things weren’t easy to talk about over the phone.

“Just say you’ll take Holly for me. You were going anyway, so the only change for you is that you’ll have sole charge of her.”

Sole charge?

The focus of Alix’s anxiety shifted. She adored Holly. As far as Alix was concerned, she was an extension of Christy. She couldn’t love the child more if she was her own. But look after her alone? That didn’t fit within her skill set. What if she cried? Missed her parents? What if she was unhappy and Alix messed it up? What if it turned into a Christmas she’d never forget for all the wrong reasons?

Christy might have forgiven Alix’s frankness before the wedding, but she definitely wouldn’t forgive anything happening to her child.

“We both know I’m not the best person for this.”

“You’re the perfect person. She loves you.”

But what would happen to that love if Alix mishandled the situation? “What if she has a horrible time?”

“I’m asking you to take her to a winter wonderland for a few days, not raise her alone.”

“But I don’t know how to do the whole cozy-family-Christmas thing. That’s your domain. I just join in.” Alix ran her hand over the back of her neck. It was cold outside. How could it be so hot in this building? “This isn’t exactly babysitting for an evening. There’s the journey, for a start. And we’d be a long way from you.” The more she thought about it, the more the idea terrified her. “What if Holly misses you and has a tantrum?”

“She hasn’t had a tantrum since she was two, and hardly ever then. She’s even-tempered. You know that.”

“But you know how adventurous she is. She has no concept of danger. What if she climbs on something while I’m not looking and has an accident?”

“She won’t because you’ll be looking.”

She’d have to keep her eyes glued to the child.

“What if she has a bad dream or something?”

“You’ll be there.”

“But she’d want you.” Her heat was hammering against her chest. “There wouldn’t be any backup.”

“You don’t need backup.”

Yes, she did. She couldn’t do this. She had to say no, for Holly’s sake. “Christy—”

“She won’t be any trouble.”

“Are you kidding? Your daughter can get into trouble in an empty room.”

“True, but you know that, so you’ll be watching her. She’ll be thrilled to have some girl time with you, and I’ll join you a few days later. Please, Alix. I know I’m taking advantage of our friendship, but there’s no one else I can ask.”

Alix wanted their friendship to be about confidences and fun conversation. Shopping trips and the occasional night out (with wine). She didn’t want to have sole responsibility for a child.

Say no, say no, say no.

“All right.” She’d get through it somehow. If Holly cried, she’d use toys as a bribe. How many could she cram into her baggage? “If you’re sure.”

“You’re the best.”

“Better hold the praise until I return her alive and phobia-free.” Maybe she should buy a book on childcare. “What about Aunt Black Sheep? Have you told her?”

“Not yet. I wanted to check you’re okay with the plan first.”

She was far from okay, but what choice did she have?

Alix ran the tips of her fingers over the silver waterfall of her dress.

She’d need a strategy, with every scenario mapped out. As well as toys, she’d have her laptop so they could watch movies. She knew her friend rarely resorted to that, but she wasn’t Christy. She didn’t want Holly looking back on this as the worst Christmas ever. She didn’t want to return her to her mother emotionally scarred.

She felt a gnawing anxiety. Their friendship had never required her to do something this challenging.

“What do you want me to do?”

“You’re still flying back to London at the weekend? Come over to the house as planned next week. That way you can both travel together.”

“She’s never been on a plane before.” What if she lost Holly in the airport? What if she handed her passport over and turned to find the little girl gone? What if Holly had a meltdown and decided she never wanted to fly anywhere again?

“Will you stop worrying? This whole trip is a dream come true for her.”

And that, Alix thought, was the problem.

She wasn’t the right person to be in charge of a child’s dreams. She was worried for Holly, but she was also worried for herself and her friend.

Christy had finally asked for her help with something. What if she got it wrong?

What would that mean for their friendship?