4

Christy

There, it was done.

Christy put the phone down and crept back into the bedroom only to find the bed empty.

Seb was standing by the window, but he turned when she came into the room.

“I wondered where you’d gone. Is everything okay?”

She felt a flash of guilt, even though she wasn’t the one who should be feeling guilty. “Sorry. Did I wake you?” She shivered and snuggled deeper into her robe. Her head throbbed. She was tired, but her brain and thoughts were racing and she knew there was no way she could sleep. Her mind had been going round in circles since she’d seen that email.

“I heard you talking.”

“I called Alix. It’s her big award ceremony tonight.” Why did she feel the need to justify her friendship? And she realized she hadn’t even asked how it had gone. Since when had she been so selfish? Since she’d had to fight for her marriage.

“And you wanted to call her in the middle of the night? That’s a bit extreme, isn’t it? Even for you?” His face wore the expression he always wore when they talked about Alix. Guarded. Defensive.

Before they were married he’d said that it was like having a third person in the relationship, and it had taken that explosion on the day before their wedding for her to realize that perhaps he had a point. But she had no intention of ending her friendship with Alix, so she hadn’t mentioned it again, and neither had he. She’d hoped it would eventually sort itself out by itself because the fact that there was tension between her oldest and closest friend and her husband was a constant source of stress. She’d occasionally wondered if Seb was jealous of Alix, but why would he be? She’d married him for goodness’ sake. She’d chosen him, but sometimes she wondered if he saw love as a chocolate cake, with a finite number of slices that needed to be shared. Christy knew her friendship with Alix didn’t in any way detract from her relationship with Seb. She adored both of them. Why couldn’t they love each other? Alix hadn’t actually said anything negative about Seb after that confrontation, and there were times when Christy actually thought the incident might be behind them. And then a little spark would light up the past again.

“I wanted to talk to her about Christmas. And Lapland.” But not Seb. Not her marriage. She hadn’t discussed that.

Seb’s expression was shuttered. “The two of you will be able to spend more time together. You’ll enjoy that.”

Was that what he thought? That she wanted to be with Alix?

“I wanted us to spend time together.” Christy felt the gap between them widening. It was like leaping onto a boat that was leaving and then discovering you’d left your partner on the shore. “I still want that, which is why I’ve decided to stay here and go a few days later with you. I’ve already changed the flights.” She held her breath, unsure how he was going to react.

“You what?”

Christy glanced over her shoulder and quickly closed the bedroom door. “Keep your voice down. You’ll wake Holly.”

“You’ve canceled Christmas?”

“No, I haven’t canceled Christmas. How can you even think that?” The idea was ludicrous. “You know it’s my favorite time of year. Christmas is still happening. All I’ve done is move our flights a few days later. Yours and mine.”

He looked appalled. “But this is Holly’s dream. She’s talked about nothing else for weeks.”

And yet even knowing that, he’d still been prepared to slice days off their time together.

Family was her dream. Didn’t he know that? Who did he think she’d done all this for? The homemaking, the familiar routine, the meals, the decoration, the wine chilling in the fridge. She’d done it for them. Given her all. There were days when she fell into bed exhausted, but still he didn’t know how important family was to her or that she’d do just about anything to protect it?

She lifted her chin. It had taken her most of the day to reach a decision, but she’d decided that whoever Mandy was, and whatever it was she wanted, Christy wasn’t going to let the woman walk into her life and take what was hers.

But that meant talking about it. Acknowledging it, when all she really wanted was for the whole thing to go away.

“Holly is still going. She’s flying out with Alix, as planned.”

“You have to be kidding me.” Seb rammed his fingers into his hair. “You discussed this with Alix? Well, of course you did.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. What exactly did you tell her?”

He thought she was telling Alix things she wasn’t telling him. And maybe she couldn’t blame him for that, because that was certainly something she would have done in the past. But not for a long time.

“I told her what you told me. That you have a work meeting—” she managed to keep her voice steady as she repeated the excuse he’d given her “—and that I’m staying here to support you.”

He held her gaze. “You’re sending Holly with Alix?”

“Why not?” She knew that whatever her faults, and whatever the distance between them, Alix would never betray her or let her down. Right now she wasn’t sure she could say the same about her husband. “Alix adores Holly, and Holly adores Alix.”

“I’m not doubting the affection, just her qualifications.”

“She’s my closest friend.”

His mouth tightened. “We won’t ask where that leaves me.”

Somehow this conversation had become about Alix.

“Seb—”

“She knows nothing about children.”

“She works for a toy company!”

Seb sent her a look. “She knows markets and data and has a good sense of what will sell. That doesn’t qualify her to be a stand-in mother. This isn’t a good idea.”

That fact Alix herself had said virtually the same thing didn’t stop Christy feeling hurt.

“I know the two of you have uncomfortable history—”

“That’s not what this is about. We’ve moved past that.”

“Have we? Are you sure?”

“That’s not fair.” He looked tired. “She’s joining us for Christmas, isn’t she? We have a perfectly civil relationship. I respect your friendship, even if I do sometimes wish you’d talk to me instead of Alix. There’s much about her that I admire, including her loyalty to you. She’s smart, fun and a good person. That doesn’t mean I think she should take responsibility for Holly. That’s a big deal.” He paused. “How did she react when you asked her? Was she enthusiastic?”

It would have been easy enough to lie. Alix had agreed, hadn’t she? But if there were lies in their marriage, Christy didn’t want them to come from her.

“She reacted much the way you did. She doesn’t think she’s the right person, but I know she is. And in the end, she said she’d do it.” And she was grateful for that, because if Alix had refused, it would have meant canceling the trip altogether. “I don’t know why you’re worried. Alix has spent plenty of time with Holly.”

“With you in the background, still in charge. What if our daughter has an accident? What if Alix doesn’t watch her closely enough?”

“Alix knows how adventurous she is. She’ll watch her.” They needed to stop talking about Alix.

“Alix is good at handing out new toys, but how would she be with the rest of it? The real stuff? It isn’t fair on either of them. Or on us. You’ll be anxious, worried about Holly the whole time. It will be stressful.” He drained his glass. “You should change your flight back to the original date.”

And leave him alone with Mandy?

Just ask him straight-out, Christy. That’s what Alix would do.

She lifted her chin. “Is there some reason you don’t want me around?”

“Yes. One of us should be with our daughter.”

“We will be. A few days later. It will be good to spend some time together, the two of us. We don’t do enough of that. I want to be here. If you have to work, then I want to support you.”

Tell me the truth.

He stared at her for a long moment, and she knew, just knew, that there was something big that he wasn’t telling her. Deep down a part of her had still been hoping that she was imagining it, that the email she’d seen had a simple explanation. But it was obvious from his face that something was going on.

The emotion she’d been holding in check rose to the surface. Tears filled her eyes. Her legs started to shake. She didn’t want this to be happening, she really didn’t, but it was and she couldn’t see a way to avoid it.

“Can we stop playing games? I know, Seb.” She saw the change in him. Saw him brace himself, ready to deflect.

“Know what?”

“I’m not a fool! You’re going into London several times a week, you’re working late…” She still couldn’t bring herself to say the words I know you’re having an affair. Saying the words would make this real, and she didn’t want this to be real. “I was in your study yesterday, and I saw the email on your laptop. The one you sent, confirming your meeting. I know you weren’t at work.”

There was a long silence. “I didn’t mean for you to see that.”

“Obviously. When were you going to tell me, Seb?”

He looked exhausted. “I hoped I wouldn’t have to.”

Her mouth fell open. He’d never intended to tell her?

How had they ever reached this point?

Alix’s words rang in her head. How well do you know him?

“Why wouldn’t you tell me? Why are you doing this? What’s wrong with what we have?” Her voice cracked as stress and emotion spilled over. All her insecurities bubbled to the surface, along with those fears fueled by Alix. Their relationship hadn’t exactly followed a traditional course, that was true. And they’d never talked about it, not since the beginning. She’d told herself there was no need when they were so happy, but now she wondered if it was because she’d been afraid. She’d always hated confrontation of any sort. “I know we got married quickly. We barely knew each other. That one night was…it was wild, impulsive and spontaneous.” The words tumbled over each other. “I know all that, and if I hadn’t got pregnant… I told you at the time you didn’t have to marry me, that I would have raised our daughter, but you were insistent, and I really wanted to. I thought what we had was real. That it would grow into something even better. I really thought that, Seb. I loved you. I still love you.”

He looked stunned. “I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

“I know you’ve been meeting Mandy. I know you told her not to call the house. You said you didn’t want me to find out.” She was crying now and thinking that Alix had been right. She’d been right all along, and Christy couldn’t bear it. “You’ve let us down, Seb. You’ve let us down.” She caught a glimpse of his stricken expression before he closed the gap in a couple of strides and dragged her into his arms.

“I know I have. I know, but I’m going to fix it. Please don’t cry, Christy. Damn, where are the tissues?” He glanced round and in the end gave up and wiped them away with his fingers. “I didn’t want any of this to happen, but I’m handling it. Don’t worry. Nothing is going to change. It’s going to stay the way you want it. The way you like it.”

How could it not change? Was he expecting her to pretend it wasn’t happening?

Even she couldn’t ignore this.

How much could she forgive?

She sobbed against his shoulder, breathing in the warmth of him, the strength of him. She scrunched her fingers into the front of his T-shirt as she asked the question she had to ask. “Do you love her, Seb? Do you love her?”

He thrust her away so suddenly she almost stumbled. “What are you talking about?”

“Mandy. Do you love her? I need to know.”

“Love her?” He stared at her in disbelief and confusion. “What sort of a question is that? You’re not making sense.” He stopped. “Wait. You think I’m having an affair?”

“You admitted it! And as if that isn’t bad enough, you also admitted that you never planned to tell me. So if it isn’t love, what is it, Seb? A bit of fun? Distraction? Am I boring? Is living in the countryside driving you crazy?”

“Stop.” He gave a brief shake of his head, as if to clear it. “I’m not having an affair. Who would put that idea in your head?” His mouth tightened. “Pointless question. Alix.”

“This has nothing to do with Alix. I haven’t discussed our relationship with her.”

“So you came to that conclusion by yourself.” He ran his hand over the back of his neck. “That hurts more than it probably should. I guess a guy can’t shake off his reputation that easily.”

And now she was the one who was confused. “You’re not having an affair?”

He let his hand drop. “Do you really think I’d do that to you? To us?” Something about the way he was looking at her made her squirm and feel small, as if she’d let them both down with her assumptions. She wanted to tell him that she’d spent hours thinking of alternative explanations, but in the absence of anything else and with the evidence that he was lying, she kept circling back to that one.

And now she didn’t know what to think. He hadn’t actually denied it, had he? He’d given her a nonanswer, and Alix’s voice was so loud in her head that she wanted to cover her ears.

“Then, who is Mandy, and why can’t she ring the house? And why have you suddenly been spending so much time in London?” She watched him carefully, studying his eyes and his body language. She should know, shouldn’t she? Just by looking, she should know. But she didn’t. And she realized he was staring at her, too, as if he was also looking for something.

How well do we really know each other?she wondered.

“At some point,” he said, “we should probably have a conversation about why you would see a woman’s name in my in-box and automatically assume I’m having an affair, but I guess that part can wait. Mandy works for a recruitment company. I’m not having an affair, Christy. I lost my job. I’ve been going to London for interviews and meetings with recruiters, but it’s tough out there.”

A recruitment company?

“You…you lost your job?” She sat down hard on the edge of the bed. The immediate feeling of relief that he wasn’t cheating was replaced by other, more complicated emotions. “When?”

“Three months ago.”

“Three—” She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t process. It was so unexpected. She’d thought—she’d assumed—“And you didn’t tell me? Why?”

“I didn’t want you to worry. I kept hoping I’d be able to fix it, get a job, then I’d be able to tell you bad news and good news at the same time to protect you from the anxiety part, but the weeks passed, and I had no success. And the longer I left it, the harder it was to tell you. And then suddenly it’s Christmas. I know how much you love this time of year, and you had the Lapland trip all planned. The dream holiday. The perfect Christmas. I know how much you want that for Holly, and I didn’t want to ruin everything. I was planning on telling you in January. But then this interview came up, and I knew I couldn’t turn it down. I have to go, Christy, even though it ruins your plans.”

He’d lost his job. He had an interview.

He wasn’t having an affair. She felt giddy with relief about that part, sick about the other. Sick for him.

“Of course you have to go. And it doesn’t ruin anything.” She felt guilty. Those nights he’d been lying awake, he’d been worrying about having lost his job. He’d been thinking of her. Protecting her. “I wish you’d told me. I can’t bear the thought of you going through this on your own, not sharing it. I could have helped. I’m your wife.” But what sort of a wife was she that she hadn’t even suspected? And what did it say about their marriage that he hadn’t felt able to tell her? She’d been so focused on the external parts of their family—the cottage, the lifestyle—she’d forgotten to pay attention to the internal.

Any relief she’d felt at the discovery that he wasn’t having an affair vanished. She felt terrible.

“How would telling you have helped?” He sounded tired. “This is on me. You’re the reason this matters, Christy. You and Holly. I have responsibilities, I know that, and believe me I’m trying to live up to them. I’m scared I can’t be what you want or what you need. Scared of letting you down.”

“Scared?”

“I’ve been scared for months.” He paused and rubbed his fingers over his forehead. “I keep hearing Alix’s voice telling you that marrying me was a mistake. Maybe she was right.”

“She wasn’t right! And I wish you hadn’t overheard that. I wish Alix had never said it.” That was what he’d been thinking? Did he really know so little about her?

It was true that they’d barely had any time together as a couple before Holly had arrived, but surely he should have known that she would have been nothing but supportive?

Apparently not. He’d felt that this was something he had to deal with by himself.

She’d been feeling helpless, and a little shocked, but now she also felt guilty.

In her determination to be the best mother possible, she hadn’t paid enough attention to the other aspects of her life. She hadn’t paid attention to Seb. To their relationship. To their needs as a couple.

She was the one who’d insisted they could afford the cottage. Because of her obsession with providing a perfect family life for them, she’d been the one to stretch their finances so tight they were close to snapping. She hadn’t factored in life going wrong. She hadn’t allowed a buffer. And now this.

She thought about all the days he’d traveled into London, supposedly for work.

How could she have not suspected something was wrong? There must have been signs.

Shewas the one who’d let him down, and she felt like an awful person.

She was relieved now that she’d delayed their flights. This was about more than his job. This was about them. Their relationship.

How were they ever going to fix this?