5

Alix

Alix dragged her bags over the uneven path that wound itself through the overgrown garden to the front door. It wasn’t hard to see why her friend had fallen in love with the place. Everything about it was welcoming. Ivy crept up honey-colored stone walls. Lights glowed from the windows, and smoke rose from the chimney in leisurely curls. A holly bush added a blaze of color, as if the plump red berries were announcing to the world that the cottage was ready for Christmas.

All that was needed to complete the picture of festive comfort was a layer of fresh, crisp snow, and if the forecast was to be believed, that was on its way.

She felt a tug of nostalgia.

When she was little, she used to lie in bed dreaming about a place like this. And then she’d realized that a home wasn’t honey-colored bricks or roses round the door. Home was people. Home was feeling wanted and loved.

She’d never had that with her family, and she’d learned to live without it.

She was responsible for her own happiness and security. And as for love—well, there was nothing wrong with self-love, was there? She was good to herself, and she liked the steady predictability of her life. From an early age she’d learned to rely on herself, and she’d always felt grateful for those skills. She had no expectations of others, and others had no expectations of her.

Until now.

She paused, not quite ready to announce her arrival. Christy was expecting her to step up and take Holly, although she still hadn’t said why.

Their marriage was in trouble. It had to be that.

She felt agony for her friend. This was exactly what she’d been afraid of, but she wouldn’t be saying another word on the subject. Her role was simply to give whatever support was requested without question.

Alix paused, unsettled by the silence around her.

However charming it was, country life wasn’t for her. She loved spending time with her friend, but after two days of fresh air, muddy walks and dawn birdsong, she was ready to head back to the city. The cottage was idyllic, but she knew that living in a small community of people who all knew each other would make her feel claustrophobic. She had no interest in joining a book group as Christy had or being on a local committee. She liked to choose what people knew about her. She didn’t want people knowing every detail of her private life. On her last visit, two people had stopped Christy in the village to check she was all right after her appointment with the doctor.

The thought of it made Alix shudder. She appreciated the level of anonymity that came with city living. She liked the buzz and busyness. In the city she never felt alone, even though she was. She’d bought a light, spacious, modern apartment in a converted warehouse overlooking the river. Large windows, exposed brick walls, state-of-the-art kitchen. It even had a balcony.

This place? She stepped up to the doorway and knocked. It encouraged a slow pace of life, and it would infuriate her.

She heard racing footsteps, squeals of excitement, and then the door opened, and Alix had a brief glimpse of tumbled blond curls and a mini white lab coat over a blue dress before Holly flung herself forward like a puppy that hadn’t seen its owner in months.

Swept away by the enthusiastic greeting, Alix put down everything she was carrying, scooped up Holly and covered her in kisses. “How’s my favorite girl? Ready for adventure?” Holly looked exactly like Christy (apart from her eyes, which were all Seb), but that was where the resemblance ended. Christy had always been an exceptionally neat and tidy child, and careful. Holly had never met a tree she didn’t want to climb or a muddy puddle she didn’t want to jump in. Her clothes were ripped and filthy within five minutes of putting them on. Her favorite game with Alix was play-fighting.

“Can we play sword fights, Aunty Alix?”

Alix laughed. “Can I take my coat off first?”

She glanced at Christy who had appeared behind her daughter and felt nerves flicker in her stomach.

Were they supposed to pretend nothing was wrong?

“Hi there!” Christy’s smile was a little too wide, but that wasn’t so surprising.

Christmas wasn’t going smoothly, and Alix knew that would stress her friend. Christy liked everything to happen according to plan. She made lists. Those lists both amused and infuriated Alix, but she understood that her friend needed them. She knew that about her. After two decades of friendship there wasn’t much she didn’t know.

But she didn’t know why her friend was delaying her trip to Lapland.

“We’re going to Lapland to see the lights! Together.” Holly slid her arms round Alix’s neck and planted noisy kisses on her cheek. She was spontaneous, adventurous and accident-prone. The opposite of her mother and a nightmare to babysit.

The thought of it made her stomach lurch. It was like being given fine china to hold and told not to break it.

“Together!” Alix tried to echo the excitement and only now acknowledged how much she’d been hoping that her friend had changed her mind.

“Mummy and Daddy are coming later, so we get to have a special surprise time.”

As long as the surprise wasn’t how bad she was at childcare.

“I can’t wait.” She put Holly down and hugged her friend. “Missed you.”

“Missed you, too.”

It was what they said every time, but for some reason this time it felt different.

Christy’s hug felt different. Brief. Perfunctory.

She grabbed Alix’s luggage and carried it into the cottage. “How was your trip?”

“Fun, thanks.”

She glanced at her friend, searching for clues. On the surface Christy was as groomed and perfect as ever. Hair swept up in a neat twist. Black roll-neck sweater over skinny jeans. Makeup immaculate.

But under the makeup?

“The cottage looks wonderful. Like something out of a Christmas movie.” The place was decorated with fairy lights and holly. Delicate candles flickered on the table by the front door, and the air was scented with cinnamon and warm fig. It reminded Alix of staying with Christy as a child. “Next year we’re going to film our Christmas ad in your cottage. It’s idyllic. You ought to register the place on one of those film websites. You’d have Hollywood knocking.”

“Maybe.” Christy’s smile flashed. “I’ve made up a bed for you in Holly’s room.”

“Sounds great. I brought you presents.” Alix rescued the champagne and flowers, handed them over and then swept up Holly again. “That’s a pretty dress you’re wearing under that lab coat.”

“It’s scratchy. Mummy made me wear it.”

“It’s a party dress, and we’re having a party.” Christy tried to rearrange the clip holding her daughter’s curls in place, but Holly was already on the move. Some things refused to be organized.

“Did you bring me presents, Aunty Alix?”

Christy tutted. “It’s not polite to ask that—”

“Did I bring you presents?” Alix spun the little girl round, grateful to have someone else to focus on. “Of course I brought you presents. Let’s take my bags upstairs, and we’ll see what I can find. If we’re sharing a room, does that mean we get to have a midnight feast?”

Christy shook her head. “You’re a terrible influence.”

“That’s what I’ve been telling you.” But still her friend wanted her to take charge of Holly. “Something smells good.”

“I made coq au vin. We’ll eat at seven.”

Of course. Dinner was always at seven.

“Mm, coq au vin. My favorite. Are you bribing me? Because I already said yes.”

“I thought it would be nice.” Christy closed the front door, keeping her back to it. “And guarantee you don’t walk out.”

“Why would I walk out?”

“We have a huge surprise for you, Aunty Alix!” Holly sprinted away to the kitchen, and Alix took advantage of her absence to question her friend.

“What’s the surprise? And why are you looking so stressed?”

“Promise me you won’t be mad. I probably should have called, but I was scared that if I did, you wouldn’t come, and I need you right now, and—”

“Why would I be mad? What is going on, Christy? I know there’s stuff you’re not telling me.” Alix hung up her coat, relieved to at least be needed. “Since when have we had secrets from each other? What is this surprise?”

Christy swallowed. “I know you won’t be thrilled, but honestly I think it might work out for the best in the end.”

“What—” Alix broke off as Holly reappeared. This time she wasn’t alone.

He filled the doorway, his height bringing the top of his head dangerously close to the frame constructed in a previous century to accommodate occupants with a less impressive build.

“I’ve unblocked the downpipe, Christy. The leak should be fixed.” He saw Alix and, after possibly the most awkward and intense few seconds of her life, gave a brief nod of acknowledgment. “Alix.”

Alix felt dizzy. She had to stop herself walking out of the door.

No! Seriously?

Why hadn’t Christy told her that Zac would be here? She would have arrived later. Or the following morning. Or not at all. And her friend knew that. Which was, presumably, why she’d been behaving so strangely.

Her hands felt clammy. Her whole body felt jittery.

Fight or flight. Adrenaline. She tried to logic away her reaction and force herself to stand her ground. She was thinking of the last time they’d seen each other, and she knew he was, too. It wasn’t something either of them was likely to forget.

Five years. They hadn’t seen each other for five years.

Seeing him invoked strong feelings, and Alix did everything she could to avoid strong feelings.

“Hey there. It’s been a while.” But nowhere near long enough. Thanks to some careful, strategic maneuvering on Alix’s part, and the fact that Zac spent much of the year traveling for his job, she hadn’t seen him since the wedding. What was she supposed to say? Good to see you? No way. “Playing handyman, I see.”

“He is, and he’s a lifesaver. Or at least you’re a cottage saver. We had another leak. Can you believe that?” The atmosphere was peppered with Christy’s nervous chatter. “Zac arrived earlier and has kindly fixed it. Total hero.” She kissed him on the cheek. His gaze, which until that point hadn’t shifted from Alix, softened.

“No problem. Are there any other leaks I should know about? Any other problems I can help with?”

The contrast in his response was marked. He was gentle with Christy, but men were always like that around her friend. Maybe it was her air of fragility, or maybe it was because Christy was the most nonconfrontational person Alix had ever met, at least on the outside. As a child it had frustrated her that her friend had found it so hard to stand up for herself. She was the only one who knew that Christy did feel things but wouldn’t express what she was feeling. She stored her emotions inside her, out of sight. Why couldn’t she just tell someone that no, it was not okay to treat her that way? Instead, she sat there, meek, and let Alix do it. And she’d been more than happy to play that role, even though part of her had worried about what would happen when she wasn’t around. Say what you’re thinking, she’d told Christy, but her friend had always followed the peaceful road. What was the point in confrontation? In falling out?

And now, faced with Zac and the memory of possibly the biggest confrontation of her life, Alix finally saw the merit in that approach. If she’d been meek and kept her mouth shut, she wouldn’t now feel like a lobster dropped without warning into a vat of boiling water.

“Any other problems?” Christy gave a hysterical laugh. “The whole cottage? How long have you got?”

He gave her a searching look. “Old properties can feel like that sometimes, but this place is sound. All it needs is a little loving care.”

That was what she needed, Alix thought. Loving care. Failing that, wine. And if Zac was joining them for dinner, she was going to need more than one glass.

“I set the table.” Holly tugged at her hand. “You’re next to Uncle Zac.”

Oh joy. Her evening was getting better and better.

Alix focused on Holly. “Why don’t you take me up to your new bedroom? I can’t wait to see your polar research station.”

She followed Holly upstairs, telling herself that it was one evening and she could get through one awkward evening. But she resented the fact that what should have been fun and relaxing would now be full of stress and tension. More importantly, Zac’s presence meant that it would be harder to talk to Christy.

It was some small comfort that it would undoubtedly be an ordeal for him, too.

Holly pushed open the door of her bedroom, and Alix stopped, stunned by what she saw.

“That’s… Wow.” She stepped inside and glanced around. It was truly creative. What she wouldn’t have done for a bedroom like this when she was a child. “You have the northern lights on your bedroom wall. And the snow sparkles.”

“Mummy did that with special paint.” Holly scrambled up onto the shelf bed, and there was a horrible tearing sound as her dress caught on the ladder. She froze and looked at Alix.

“Oops. Want me to tell your mummy for you?”

Holly yanked at the dress and launched herself onto the bed, the movement finally dislodging her hair clip. “No, I can tell her. A dress is stupid.”

Alix thought about the time Christy had spilled juice on her dress and been heartbroken. She’d been too scared to tell her mother, even though it had been an accident. In the end Alix had taken the blame. Holly, it seemed, had no such concerns.

She sat cross-legged on the top bunk, her knee poking out through the torn dress, her hair tumbled and messy as she showed Alix her latest favorite toys.

Alix smiled. “You look snug there. Did Daddy build you that?”

“Uncle Zac. He can make anything. And he’s actually been to a real research station.”

A touch of hero worship there, Alix thought. Oh to be young.

The fact that he could make a little girl’s dreams come true didn’t make her feel any more comfortable around him.

“Alix! Holly!” Christy shouted up the stairs. “I’m serving drinks.”

Of course she was. Even a house full of guests didn’t shake Christy’s schedule.

“Coming.” Alix tucked her suitcase away. “So is there room in here for one more polar explorer?”

“You’re sleeping in the bed. I’m sleeping here.” Holly scrambled down and tugged an inflatable mattress from under the bed. “And Uncle Zac is sleeping in the living room.”

Sleeping?He was staying the night?

Oh the horror. She made a note not to go wandering once the lights were out. The last thing she needed was to bump into him in the dark.

She headed down to the kitchen, heard a rumble of male voices and found Zac deep in conversation with Seb. The fact that they stopped talking when she walked into the room did nothing to calm her nerves.

And then she saw Christy’s anxious expression and resolved not to do or say anything that would make things worse for her friend.

Also, she had no intention of allowing Zac to know she was rattled.

Indifference. Yes, that was it. She needed to seem indifferent.

“Hi, Seb.” Smiling warmly, she walked across the room and kissed him on the cheek. She was always mildly aware that she was overcompensating. “How are things?”

“Good. You?”

“Great. Never better.” They were both lying, she thought, as she took the champagne Christy handed her. If things were good, why was she the one taking Holly to Lapland?

Christy still hadn’t told her the details, and Alix hadn’t probed, even though it had taken effort on her part.

“This is a treat,” Christy said. “I haven’t had champagne in ages.” She offered Zac a glass and then gasped as she took a proper look at Holly. “What happened to your new dress?”

“It got in the way when I was climbing.”

Blame the dress. Good one. Alix tried not to smile.

“Oh Holly,” Christy said with a sigh. “Never mind. I’ll mend it.”

“Don’t mend it. I hate dresses.”

Christy chose to ignore that and instead turned back to Zac. “Where were we? Oh yes, champagne!”

He shook his head. “Thanks, but I’ll stick with beer.” His refusal felt like a criticism, but Alix refused to let him get to her. Let him think she was a frivolous, champagne-drinking party animal. Who cared?

“More for us.” Christy handed a glass to Alix and then raised her own. “To you! Congratulations on your award, you clever thing. Alix has just come back from New York,” she added, for the benefit of Zac.

“Fantastic.” Seb’s smile was strained. “Well done, Alix.”

Zac gave a nod, and Alix took a large mouthful of champagne.

He obviously wasn’t impressed by awards, but she didn’t need his approval.

She knew very little about what he did, except that he was a scientist who spent a large part of the year working as an expedition guide in the wild polar regions. Christy had shown Alix a photo once of Zac standing at the helm of a boat, legs braced, life jacket adding to the already significant bulk of his shoulders, framed by ice and snow. Tonight those shoulders were covered in a warm cable-knit sweater. What else he was wearing she couldn’t have said because she didn’t allow her gaze to linger.

Instead, she focused on the kitchen.

“This room is looking pretty, Christy.” It was one step up from talking about the weather. And it wasn’t as if she was lying. The room was pretty.

The lights were dimmed, and candles flickered on the table. Through the French windows the garden glowed with tiny solar lights.

Alix gazed at the branches of holly arranged artfully in the jug and felt Christmassy for the first time. Even the famous tree at the Rockefeller Center and the lights of Fifth Avenue hadn’t done this for her, but Christy’s home enveloped her like a hug, just as it had when she was a child. Her friend had inherited her mother’s ability to turn a house into a welcoming home.

She’d never forgotten the kindness Christy’s family had shown her. Generous hospitality had been handed down from mother to daughter, and the evidence of it was everywhere. Of course, other things had been handed down, too, like Christy’s lack of flexibility and spontaneity—if it wasn’t planned, it didn’t happen—but as someone whose family life had been unpredictable, Alix could appreciate the benefits of structure. She sometimes worried that Christy put a little too much pressure on herself to live life a certain way, but it seemed to work for her. Food was cooked from scratch and eaten at the table with silverware and candlelight. No hastily grabbed snacks while people did their own thing. No fast food or TV dinners.

Alix had seen how hard Christy worked to keep the house looking gorgeous while still being a hands-on mother. She seemed to spend half her day clearing up toys, only for Holly to pull them all out again. Tidying seemed like a pointless, thankless task to Alix, and trying to keep Holly looking tidy was another. The child wanted to scramble and explore, and a dress that had to be protected was a barrier to that.

They sipped their drinks, nibbled on some cheese straws Christy had baked with Holly, and then it was Holly’s bedtime, an announcement that led to the usual protests.

Seb put his drink down, but Christy shook her head.

“You two stay there and catch up. Alix and I will handle bedtime tonight.”

Relieved that Christy had engineered some time alone with her, Alix followed her friend and Holly up the stairs. Now she’d finally find out what was going on.

“Can Alix read my story?” Holly shot into her bedroom and grabbed a book from her bed.

“She can, but bath first.” There was no opportunity to discuss anything during the bedtime routine, and by the time Holly’s eyes drifted shut, it was almost time for dinner.

Alix followed Christy into the bathroom and helped her retrieve toys from the bath. “Christy—”

“I know you’re upset that I didn’t warn you, and I’m sorry, but I didn’t know what to do. Do you have any idea how difficult this is for me? I’m trapped between the two of you.” Christy’s voice rose, and she dumped the toys into a basket on the floor. “I love you, but I love Zac, too. I know you don’t want to hear this, but he’s been great. He built Holly’s dream bedroom, he has fixed some of the things that are wrong with the house, and believe me there are plenty of those.”

“Good. I’m pleased for you.” Alix was thrown. She’d prepared herself to listen carefully and thoughtfully to whatever Christy’s problem was. She didn’t want to talk about Zac. She couldn’t wait for the weekend to end so that he could leave. “Stop worrying. It’s all good. We’ll be civilized. I can sit across a table and eat dinner with a guy without him being my favorite person.”

Christy slumped against the wall. “The really frustrating thing is that I always thought the two of you would be great together. Remember the first time you saw him? You said he was the hottest guy you’d ever met.”

“I don’t remember saying that.”

“Well, you did.”

Alix ran her finger around the neck of her sweater. “If I did, then it goes to show you shouldn’t judge on appearances.”

“You and he—” Christy frowned. “There was something, some connection, electricity—”

“Meeting him was a shock, if that’s what you’re saying.”

Christy glanced at her. “So you don’t find him sexy?”

If she said no, would her friend believe her? Probably not. There were some men that all women could recognize as sexy, and Zac was one of those. “He’s not my type.” Could she open a window? “And you still haven’t told me why he is here.”

“I really think you’d like him if you—”

“Can we stop talking about Zac?” She thrust her hand into the cooling water of Holly’s bath and pulled out another toy. “Stop worrying. It’s one dinner. I can get through one dinner without killing him.”

“It isn’t just dinner. I’ve been trying to find a way to tell you.” Christy closed the bathroom door and leaned her shoulders against it.

Alix knew what was coming next. She recognized the signs. This was the way Christy behaved when she was gearing up to say something she found difficult. First she always closed the door so that she couldn’t be interrupted. Next would be a couple of deep breaths—yes, there they were—

“Go on, say it.” She perched on the edge of the bath, and the plastic submarine she’d retrieved dripped onto her legs. She wanted to find out what was wrong with her friend.

“I need to talk to you about the trip.”

“What about the trip?” It was always torturous getting Christy to say something she didn’t want to say. Alix reined in her impatience as her friend rescued a damp towel from the floor and hung it on the heated rail, lining it up so that it was perfectly straight.

“When I told Seb you were going on your own with Holly, he was worried.”

“Worried?”

“He thought it wasn’t fair to expect you to handle a child on your own.”

Bullshit, Alix thought. “You mean he doesn’t trust me.”

Christy sat down next to her on the edge of the bath. “It isn’t that. It’s more that he thinks it’ll be too much for you. That it isn’t fair. It’s your holiday, after all. Your Christmas. You didn’t sign up to be a babysitter.”

“Christy, I love you, but let’s never lie to each other. Seb doesn’t want me looking after his child.” The hurt was unexpected and deep. She’d thought they’d moved beyond mistrust. Yes, she’d said things she shouldn’t have said, but it was years ago, and she hadn’t put a foot wrong since. Any doubts she may have had she’d kept to herself.

Christy’s shoulders slumped. “That isn’t true, but he doesn’t want you to do it alone.”

“Fine. I’ll have Robyn there.” True, she knew nothing about the rebel aunt, but she couldn’t be that bad, could she? And adult backup of any kind would be welcome.

“Not Robyn.” Christy shot to her feet. “Shall we go downstairs? It’s almost seven.”

“In a minute. You still haven’t told me what’s wrong.” They hadn’t even reached the most important part of the conversation. She paused.

“Wait a minute. If it’s not Robyn, who will be there to help me?”

Christy had her hand on the door, ready to open it. “Zac.” She let her hand drop and turned to look at Alix. “Zac will be there to help you.”

“Excuse me?”

“Zac. I really need wine.”

“If this isn’t a joke, then I need wine, too. Lots. Is there a vineyard near here?” But she could see from her friend’s expression that she wasn’t joking. “Christy, why would you… Zac will never agree.”

“He already has.”

Alix felt a wave of dizziness. “He’s agreed to go to Lapland with me?”

Christy’s gaze slid from hers. “Not exactly. He’s agreed to go to Lapland, but he thinks that the moment you find out he’ll be there, you’ll drop out.”

Alix, who had been trying to find a way to do exactly that, felt the hairs on the back of her neck rise. “Why would I drop out?”

Christy looked tired. “Your relationship isn’t exactly harmonious. I don’t think the pair of you exchanged a single word on my wedding day.”

But they’d exchanged plenty of words the day before. Far too many.

“I expect we were both focused on you.”

“You said we shouldn’t lie to each other.”

“I’m not lying. I distinctly remember asking him to pass the salt during the reception dinner.”

“For what reason? To rub into one of the cuts you’d given him?”

Alix managed a smile. “That’s harsh.” Was Zac the reason Christy had been so weird on the phone? No. If what Christy was saying was true, then Zac hadn’t become involved until after Christy had asked Alix to step in and help. Which meant the original problem still existed. Alix didn’t believe it was work. “There is a little…tension between us. I admit that.”

“No kidding. Why do you think I didn’t call and warn you in advance? Every other time I’ve told you he was going to be here, you’ve canceled on me.”

“That had nothing to do with Zac. Things came up, that’s all.”

Christy sighed. “Really? Because it seems a bit coincidental to me. And you have to admit that you don’t exactly have warm feelings toward each other.”

Warm feelings?“I have no feelings for him at all, so there’s no reason to think that would impact on my decision.”

Christy looked unconvinced. “He thought you wouldn’t be comfortable spending time with him. Also that you wouldn’t want the responsibility.”

All of which proved the man had more insight than she would have liked or suspected.

“First of all, I can handle the responsibility. I take it seriously, but I can handle it.” She hoped that was true. What if it wasn’t true? What if she couldn’t handle it? “As for spending time with him, we’d barely see each other, so it’s irrelevant to me whether he’s there or not. I won’t be seeking out his company, and he won’t seek out mine.”

“So you’re not backing out?”

Oh how she wanted to! But that would mean letting her friend down, and she wasn’t going to do that. Also there was her pride.

“No. I gave you my word.”

“I know, but…are you sure? I know something happened between the two of you the day before the wedding, and we’ve never talked about it, but—”

“That’s history.”

“You had a big fight, didn’t you? Presumably about me marrying Seb.”

Alix thought back to the day before the wedding. She cringed with embarrassment when she remembered all the things she’d said, not just to Christy but afterward, when Zac had propelled her from the room to break the flow of words. The details of their encounter was something she had never shared with anyone, not even her closest friend. She’d made a lot of mistakes that day.

“We might have exchanged a few words, but nothing you need to be concerned about. Water under the bridge.”

“Are you sure?” Christy picked up an abandoned yellow duck from the floor. “Just because a person doesn’t talk about something doesn’t mean it’s forgotten.”

Alix opened her mouth and then closed it again. Were they still talking about Zac? Or were they talking about Christy? She was used to the fact that Christy rarely tackled difficult subjects head-on. Usually she ignored them and hoped they went away, which was why Alix had made a point of dealing with that particular episode directly.

I’m sorry about what I said at the wedding. Do you forgive me?

And Christy had said, Of course I forgive you.

But what if she hadn’t?

Alix felt as if she’d been dipped in ice water. She’d always assumed that her frankness hadn’t damaged their friendship. But what if she was wrong about that?

Her anxiety mounted. She wanted to fling her arms round Christy and say, Don’t shut me out, but instead she forced a smile. “Well, I hope Seb’s meeting goes well. And don’t worry about Holly. I’ll make sure she has a great time.”

Their friendship had never felt awkward, but right now it did, and Alix had no idea how to handle it.

Christy rinsed the bath. “I’m relieved. I’ve been scared that you’d back out. And perhaps this will be a good thing in the end. You and Zac will have the chance to get to know each other better because you’ll be living in such close quarters. You’re our best friends. I want you to love each other.”

Absolutely no chance of that.

The thought of spending time with him horrified her. But she wouldn’t need to, would she? They’d each have their own rooms, and they’d draw up a schedule for spending time with Holly. She was excellent with spreadsheets. The only time they’d overlap would be when they handed the child over, but there was no need to share that level of detail with Christy. “I’m surprised he’s able to make the time. Doesn’t he have some globe-trotting job?” Perhaps he’d be called away. Have some supposedly urgent meeting he had to attend, like Seb.

“He divides his time working as an expedition leader for an extreme-adventure company and lecturing in glaciology. He seems to decide his own schedule. And it will add an extra dimension to have him there. He knows so much about the Arctic.”

“Is that relevant? We’re not exactly reenacting Scott’s expedition, are we? This is an adventure, sure, but it’s not polar exploration. We’re staying in an upmarket, exclusive place. I mean, have you seen the photos of the Snow Spa?” Why were they talking about Lapland when they should be talking about whatever was worrying Christy? Why wasn’t she confiding in her? There was only one possible explanation. Christy no longer felt able to talk to her. And if that was the case, what did it mean for their friendship? What was friendship if it wasn’t the ability to trust and share, no matter what? “It looks blissful. And you’ll have time to enjoy it, too, when you arrive.”

“I’ll be making up for lost time with Holly.”

Alix felt helpless. “If you needed to talk to me, you would, wouldn’t you?”

“Of course.” Christy opened the door. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

Alix realized in that moment that she’d been wrong to think her well-intentioned intervention hadn’t damaged their friendship. It had. She just hadn’t realized it until now.

There was a tightness in her chest and an ache in her heart. She knew she wasn’t good at relationships, which was why she stayed resolutely single, but she’d truly believed that with Christy she’d got it right. It was the one relationship in her life that had worked.

And now she’d screwed that up, too.

She felt a painful sense of loss and a horrid feeling of isolation, but most of all she felt like a failure because everyone else in the world seemed to be able to maintain multiple relationships, and she couldn’t even handle one. “Okay,” she said with a forced smile, “good. And I promise you I’ll make sure our girl has an amazing time.”

“Thanks.” Christy’s hand lingered on the door handle. “You and Zac will be civil, won’t you? I don’t want tension in front of Holly.”

“We’ll be fine.” Alix was determined not to let Christy down. She’d do whatever it took, even if it meant being sweet and civil to Zac. And that wasn’t going to be easy. He would be scrutinizing her. Judging her with those gray-blue eyes that reminded her of Scottish mist. No, that was too romantic. She didn’t want to use romantic analogies around Zac. His eyes were like…were like…the steel gray of a warship. The sky before a storm.

But whatever happened, she’d be sweet and friendly, for Holly’s sake.

Christy touched her arm. “And you’ll make everything super Christmassy?”

“Are you kidding? Christmas is my thing. No one does Christmas like I do. I am the Queen of Christmas. You should see some of the decorations I bought you this year. Also, we will be staying in a forest of Christmas trees and snow. Even I can’t mess that up. It’s a ready-made winter wonderland, waiting for us. And I have a whole suitcase full of gifts already wrapped in case Holly’s lip wobbles. And you know I’m great at fun. I am the CEO of fun.” She used light chatter to cover up how bad she felt. “Now, let’s go and have another drink. You look as if you need it.”

She definitely needed it.

The thought of Lapland with Holly was daunting. Lapland with Holly and Zac was a whole new level of terrifying. But none of it was as scary as the thought of losing her friendship with Christy.

They headed downstairs to find Zac alone in the kitchen.

“Seb went to take a call. He’s in his study.”

“A call? Who was it, do you know?” Christy looked anxious. “I’ll check on him.”

Since when had Seb needed support to take a phone call?

Alix glanced at her friend and then at the pan, bubbling over on the stove. “Want me to do something to slow down dinner? What’s the timing on this?”

“What?” Christy was distracted. “Oh switch it off. It doesn’t matter.” She hurried out of the room, and Alix stared after her.

Since when did timing not matter to Christy? Usually everything was timed to the minute.

And now, thanks to whatever crisis her friend refused to discuss, she was on her own with Zac.

She turned the heat down under the pan and grabbed her glass of champagne.

The tension in the room was so thick she could have sliced through it.

He spoke first. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

“What? Me?” She took a gulp of champagne. “I’m busy. You’re busy. Our paths never crossed.”

He shook his head slowly. “You really expect me to believe that?”

“It’s the truth.”

Fairy lights glowed from the oak beams, and candles flickered on all the surfaces. The table had been decorated with touches of silver and white, and the centerpiece was an artistic blend of pine cones and holly.

Faint relaxing notes of jazz played in the background, and the room was filled with warmth and delicious smells. The atmosphere couldn’t have been more calming, but she didn’t feel calm.

She couldn’t lower her guard even for a moment because Zac was there, watching her with those eyes that saw far too much. He didn’t just look at her, he saw inside her, right through to her thoughts, her fears, her insecurities.

Normally she had no trouble filling a silence, but in this case it was unnerving. He was going to mention their last meeting. It was inevitable. And how was she going to handle that?

“You can relax,” he said. “Tonight isn’t the time to talk about what happened at the wedding.”

The evidence that he actually had read her mind was unnerving. She was used to curating the information people had on her. She was so sure of the strength of her own defenses that she rarely felt vulnerable. But with him she felt raw and exposed.

“Agreed.”

“That conversation can wait until we’re not likely to be interrupted.”

“That conversation is never going to happen.” She topped up her glass, pouring too quickly. The liquid frothed over the top, spilling over her hand and onto the work surface.

He stepped forward, and she felt him carefully remove the bottle from her shaky, slippery fingers.

His head was close to hers, the shadow of his jaw directly in her line of sight.

“You don’t need to be nervous.”

“Oh please. Do I look nervous?”

“No, but you’ve learned to hide how you feel, haven’t you?” He reached for a cloth and mopped up the small puddles of champagne. “It stops people knowing you. Stops them getting close.”

“You want to know how I feel? I’m annoyed that you’ve stolen the champagne bottle.”

“Of course you are.” He smiled and topped up her glass, and she was even more annoyed that his hand was steady as a rock.

“Do you know what’s wrong with Christy and Seb?”

“They took a phone call.” He put the bottle back in the fridge. “Why does that mean something is wrong?”

“For a start because Christy would never prioritize a phone call over dinner. Dinner is at seven. And it’s now—” she checked the time “—ten past. Also, she let the potatoes boil over. I’m worried about her. And him, obviously. But you probably don’t care.”

He closed the fridge door. “Just because I don’t interfere doesn’t mean I don’t care.”

“You think I’m interfering?”

He sighed. “Can you lower your sword for five minutes? I’m not in the mood to fight you, Alix.”

It was fight or flight, and flight would have meant letting Christy down.

“I’m worried about our friends, that’s all. What is going on? If you know, please tell me. I can’t stand the tension.”

He picked up his beer and leaned back against the kitchen counter. “What exactly are you asking me?”

“Christy. Seb. Delaying their trip. Staying on their own here.”

“I’m sure they have good reason. It’s only for a couple of days. Plans change. Life gets in the way. I think we can trust Christy and Seb to figure out their own priorities.”

But something was wrong. Why couldn’t he see that? And it wasn’t interfering when you loved someone. “I want to help.”

He was silent for a moment and then he put his beer down. “Have they asked for your help?”

“Yes. I’m taking Holly—”

“I meant with their relationship. Have they asked for your advice? Your counsel?”

She shifted. “Not specifically, but—”

“Are you a trained couples’ therapist? You have some professional skill in this area of which I’m unaware?”

None. No skill at all when it came to relationships. Apart from messing them up. That, she excelled at.

“Relationships are as individual as people, and I know Christy. I know when she’s unhappy or stressed.”

“And do you also know when to step back?”

It wasn’t natural for anyone to be so calm, was it? If it hadn’t been for that explosive encounter at the wedding that she was trying hard to forget, she would have assumed he wasn’t capable of displaying emotion.

But she’d seen emotion. She’d been on the receiving end.

She gave a gulp and tried to delete the memory.

She needed to be more like him. Cool and inscrutable. She was going to stand in front of the mirror and practice lifting her eyebrow, the way he was doing now.

“I happen to think it’s important to support a friend in trouble.”

“Sometimes,” he said, “the best support you can give is to do nothing.”

“Well, that’s where we’re different. I prefer to be more active.” Her gaze met his for a brief moment, and she felt champagne slosh onto her hand. Crap. Was she really shaking? She needed to put the glass down. “I wondered if Seb had told you anything, that’s all. You’re his friend. He talks to you. You must know what’s happening.”

“I believe in letting people handle their own issues.” He paused. “Unlike you.”

She felt her color rise. “That was five years ago, and there was good reason for my intervention.”

“The reason was that you allowed your own fear of relationships color your view of someone else’s.”

The words stung.

What was friendship if it wasn’t being honest when you thought your friend was making a huge mistake? But it had turned out the answer to that question wasn’t so simple. She’d been convinced at the time that she’d done the right thing, but now she was sure she hadn’t. And she regretted it. She regretted it deeply.

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“No?” He held her gaze for a long, uncomfortable moment. “If Christy had listened to you, that marriage might not have happened. And yet here they are, still together despite your best efforts. This isn’t your relationship, Alix. You don’t have to worry about it or try to fix it. So whatever is going on—if something is going on—I think the best thing you can do for them right now is remember that this isn’t your problem.”

“If Christy has a problem, then I have a problem.”

“You are Christy’s problem, Alix.” He sounded exasperated. “Because of you, she almost left my friend standing at the altar. Now, back off, and take your own issues out of the equation.”

His words added another bruise to the ones she’d already accumulated.

She wasn’t the problem; he was wrong about that.

He didn’t understand that she’d said what she said because she’d been trying to save Christy from making a terrible mistake. “Christy and I are extremely close.”

“If you’re so close, why are you asking me what’s wrong? Why isn’t she telling you her problems? Could it possibly be because she’s afraid you’ll interfere again?”

He’d tapped into her deepest fear. That Christy no longer trusted her with her secrets.

She looked across to the study.

Where were they? Exactly what was this phone call that required both of them to be there, and for such a long time?

She felt a sharp stab of anxiety. Only something important would have caused Christy to abandon the dinner, and there was no sign of either her or Seb reappearing. What was going on?

“Maybe it’s because you’re here, which means we haven’t had a chance to talk.”

She was never going to make it through a whole weekend with this man, let alone ten days over Christmas.

“You need to let it go.” He sounded tired. “Tomorrow you can head back to London. Or New York. Or wherever you plan on spending the holidays. You don’t need to come to Lapland, Alix.”

He wanted her out of the way. He didn’t want her around.

But she’d made a promise to her friend, and she didn’t intend to break it no matter how awkward it became. Maybe she’d messed up their friendship five years earlier, but she wasn’t going to do the same now.

“I’m going to Lapland. With Holly. I’m going to give her the best Christmas she’s ever had until Christy and Seb join us. And nothing is going to stop me doing that.”

“Are you sure? Did Christy tell you I’m going?”

Alix drained her glass. “She may have mentioned it.”

“And you’re okay with that?”

No, she wasn’t okay with it, and he knew it.

“Your movements are no concern of mine.” And she intended to make certain his movements didn’t overlap with her movements.

“So you’re saying you’re happy to come with me to Lapland?”

Happy? Happy? Did she look happy?

“I’m not coming with you, Zac. I’m taking Holly.” Why did he have to look at her so intently? It was unnerving. “If you choose to be there, too, that’s your business.”

“And you think you’re the best person to do this?”

“Have you ever considered retraining as a lawyer? This is starting to feel like an inquisition.” First he told her she was a terrible friend, and now he was questioning whether she was capable of looking after a child. “And I happen to think I’m the perfect person to do this. Christmas is all about fun, and I am great at fun. No one takes fun as seriously as I do.” She thought she saw amusement in his eyes, but then it was gone.

“Fun isn’t all about expensive toys.”

“No. You can have fun with toys of all budgets.” Her joke didn’t raise a smile, and she decided she must have imagined the amusement. There promised to be very little fun with him around. Did the man even know how to laugh? She lifted her glass to her lips and then realized she’d finished the champagne.

“Christmas isn’t about spreadsheets and profit. It isn’t about which toy is going to appeal to the masses.”

“Are you lecturing me? Because unless you’ve had a change in circumstances since we last met, you’re not married, and you don’t have kids. So if those are the criteria you’re using as a basis for judging a person’s qualifications to be in charge of Christmas, you are no more qualified than I am. Probably less because it takes a lot to make you smile.”

He watched her steadily. “You think I have no sense of humor.”

“I don’t think about you. Ever.”

There was a protracted silence, and his gaze didn’t once shift from hers. “Is that right?”

“Absolutely. When Christy mentioned your name last time, I actually said, ‘Zac who?’”

This time he did smile. Just a flicker, but it was definitely there. “I’m genuinely trying to give you a way out, Alix.”

“Why would you think I’d want a way out?”

“For a start, because I can’t picture you in the Arctic.”

“You don’t have to picture me. You’ll be able to see me, right there.” The skeptical look on his face was annoying. “It’s not the first time I’ve seen snow, Zac. Have you been to New York in February?”

“The fact that you’re comparing New York to Swedish Lapland tells me you need to take a look at a map.”

“I wasn’t comparing it. Simply telling you that this isn’t my first exposure to cold weather. I’m sure you’re great at all the polar stuff, and let’s agree that if we meet a polar bear, that’s your domain—”

“If we meet a polar bear, we’ll be in the zoo,” he drawled. “There are no polar bears where we’re going.”

“Oh.” It was something she’d intended to research, and she was secretly relieved to hear that. “I knew that, obviously.”

“We might meet a wolf. I’m prepared to take the lead on a wolf watch.”

“Very funny. I know there are no wolves, either.”

“There are wolves, Alix.” He finished his beer. “Maybe I’ll take responsibility for teaching Holly about the local wildlife.”

“Good plan.” There were wolves? “Why else would you think I’d want a way out, apart from the wildlife?”

“I’m going to be there. After what happened, I assumed that would be a deal breaker.” He put the empty bottle down. “On reflection, maybe this is a good time to talk about that.”

“It is not.” Forget wolves. He was going to be more dangerous to her than the wildlife. “It’s behind us. We are going to pretend that day never happened. It’s the polar bear in the room.”

“The polar bear?”

“Yes. It doesn’t exist.”

“Alix—” He broke off, his gaze fixed over her shoulder. Then he smiled, and that smile transformed his face from hard to handsome. “Hey, kitten. What are you doing awake?”

“I wanted Mummy. I heard voices.” Holly was clutching a small polar bear. “Were you and Aunty Alix having a fight?”

“A fight? No, we weren’t having a fight.” Alix scooped her up. Soft curls brushed against her cheek. “We were chatting…in loud voices.”

Holly buried her head in her shoulder. “You sounded fierce.”

“Gosh, no. I’m never fierce. Now, what are you doing out of bed? Let’s go and tuck you in again.”

“You should kiss and make up.”

She glanced briefly at Zac and saw laughter. In other circumstances, with a different person, she might have laughed, too, and in that moment she realized that keeping her promise to Christy that they’d be civil was going to be tough.

“No need for that, because we weren’t fighting. Now, back to bed.”

“I want Zac to carry me.” Holly thrust out her arms so suddenly Alix would have lost her balance if Zac hadn’t shot out a hand and steadied her.

“Okay, I’ve got you.” He scooped the child from her, settling her comfortably on one arm.

“Will you read me a story?”

He gave her a serious look. “Haven’t you already had two stories? I don’t want to make your mummy angry.”

“Mummy is never angry.” Holly leaned her head on his shoulder. “I love you, Uncle Zac. When I grow up I’m going to marry you.”

No judge of character, Alix thought savagely, but to give him his due Zac handled that unrestrained declaration of love with the appropriate level of seriousness.

“I love you, too, science girl. Are you ready to go back to your research station?” He swung her into the air, and Holly giggled.

“Can we go there on a rocket? Three—”

“Two, one!” Zac strode out of the room making rocket noises, and Holly gestured to Alix to follow.

She clomped up the stairs after them. The fact that he was good with Holly didn’t change her feelings toward him.

She stepped into Holly’s bedroom and found herself pressed against Zac’s back.

“Sorry.” She felt breathless. “Not a lot of room in here.”

The place was too small. Too dark. The only light came from the luminous stars on her ceiling and the swirl of color from the night-light.

Zac tucked Holly into bed, and she snuggled into the pillow, choosing a stuffed reindeer as her favored companion.

“Have you ever seen a reindeer, Uncle Zac?”

“Yes. I saw reindeer on one of my trips to the Arctic.”

“Will you take me to see reindeer in Lapland?”

“I will. It’s a promise.” He tucked the reindeer into the bed next to her. “Now, get some sleep. You’ll need all your energy for the trip.”

“Will you stay until I fall asleep?”

“Yes.”

“And you, Aunty Alix?”

“Well, you don’t need both—”

“Please.”

“Sure thing.” She squashed herself against the wall, but Holly patted the bed.

“I want you to sit here.”

It was quicker to do it rather than argue, so she sat stiffly, her leg pressed against the hard length of Zac’s thigh. Did he feel as awkward about it as she did?

This was a nightmare. Holly was like an invisible rope, pulling them together. Was this what it would be like in Lapland?

She sat rigid, and when Holly was finally asleep she stood up abruptly and tiptoed out of the room. Zac was right behind her.

“So we’re going to Lapland together,” he murmured. “Who would have thought it.”

“We’re not going together.” She snapped the words and then quickly lowered her voice. The last thing she needed right now was another kiss-and-make-up lecture from Holly.

He leaned closer. “There’s no need to be afraid.”

“Afraid? You think I’m afraid?”

“I know you are, Alix.”

They were trapped close together in the narrow landing outside Holly’s bedroom. Too close. She could see the roughness of stubble on his jaw and the thickness of his eyelashes. How much of her could he see? Her flushed cheeks, definitely, the spark in her eyes, for sure. But it was the internal that worried her, not the external.

How much of that could he see?

“I’m not afraid.” The words emerged despite her dry mouth. “You wouldn’t be top of my list of people I’d choose to spend the festive season with, but I’m sure we’ll find a way to tolerate each other.”

Was she sure? No, she damn well wasn’t.

How was she going to avoid talking about what happened five years before?

He studied her for a moment. “In that case it looks like we’re spending Christmas together. Better make a list for Santa.”

She knew exactly what she needed from Santa.

Patience.