Pretty Falling Pieces by Isabelle Culpo
Chapter Fourteen
Islump down on the sofa and remove my god awful shoes.
These bad omens are going straight in the bin. The painful pinch in my toes reminding me that tonight I was pretending to be someone I’m not.
Someone I can never be. I was trying to force myself into a mold that just doesn’t fit.
My makeup and dress are the next to go.
Now that I’ve silenced Theo’s calls, I don’t know whether it makes me feel better or worse to be alone in silence. On one hand I have that thick feeling in my throat, where you feel like if you utter one word you might burst into tears.
On the other, I can’t help but wonder what he would’ve said if I answered.
Maybe he’s only just now realised the fact that it was me in those photos. Anyone who knew me as a teenager would recognise me, but maybe I left before he had a chance to connect the dots.
Of all the days I could’ve run into my high school tormentors, it had to be tonight.
After I graduated, I dreaded that day for so long. Always envisaging scenarios in my head about how it might happen.
However, my imagination wasn’t even that cruel.
I settle into bed, pulling the covers up tight to my chest. Pretending the sheets possess a magical power of invisibility, like it did when I was a child.
To be repeatedly reminded how unattractive you are at a young age is difficult, even though society tells us that our appearance shouldn’t be what matters or how we value ourselves. The problem is, it does matter and in our culture, beauty is the most powerful indicator of a woman’s worth.
Allie is one of the most spiteful human beings you’ll ever cross paths with, yet she’s never alone, constantly surrounded by people who crave her time and attention. Because at the end of the day, people care more about being associated with her beautiful exterior than the fact that she’s a terrible human being on the inside.
* * *
I’m often guilty of wasting my life stressing about things I have no control over. And I’m especially prone to this just before bed, when I should be trying to fall asleep.
If something happened during the day that was bothering me, I could never just let it go and would most often spend the night ruminating over it. I would lie in bed, staring at the ceiling, thinking about how everything felt insurmountable.
The darkness of my bedroom allowed the worry to fester and grow and multiply, capitalising on my minds undivided attention, and eventually taking on a life of its own.
However, something strange always happened the next morning when I woke up.
The worry reduced.
Sometimes it shrunk by a quarter or an eighth, sometimes it halved and sometimes it even disappeared altogether making me question why I was so anxious in the first place.
One thing is for sure, it always got better, not worse.
This morning my worry has reduced by a third.
That third is the one that was worried about Allie.
What a waste of my energy it was spending any time thinking about her. Going forward she’ll be allocated none whatsoever.
One third that still remains is the worry for my job.
I’m currently working on the most significant project of my career, and those photos could’ve potentially jeopardised that.
The final (most important) third is Theo.
I check my phone to see whether he tried to call me since I switched off my phone last night, but there’s no new notifications. Even though I was the one that ignored his calls, a tiny sting of disappointment flares in my stomach.
Before I let that feeling get me back to full worry, I pull myself out of bed.
I need to get up, get my shit together, and get back to work. It may have been Allie’s intention to ruin whatever was going on between Theo and me, but I refuse to let that affect the rest of my life. At the end of the day I can’t control how anyone reacts but myself.
I make my breakfast of champions, warm oats and blueberries with a dash of almond butter, and then head outside in my gym gear for a walk around the city. My typical coping mechanism is to stay in bed, watch TV, and consume as much sugar as humanly possible, but that won’t be happening today. I will no longer sabotage myself based on other people’s actions towards me.
Just as I’m finishing up the last uphill leg of my walk—which surprisingly morphed into a jog/run—my phone rings. With my vision a little hazy from the physical exertion, I answer without checking the caller ID.
“Imogen speaking,” I wheeze, trying to catch my breath.
“Are you at your apartment? I’m coming over now.” Theo asks gruffly.
I take a deep breath, this time not because of my lack of cardiovascular fitness. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Theo. I’ve got a lot on today.”
He probably won’t buy that excuse, but I couldn’t think of anything else.
“I’m so sorry for what happened last night, Imogen.”
“Don’t worry about—”
“Those photos don’t change anything, baby.”
He waits on the line for my response, but it never comes, I burst into tears instead. I don’t know what I expected him to say. It’s over… you’re ugly… I never want to see you again… I didn’t realise how fat you were.
Never in a million yearsdid I think he would be able to overlook them. Leaked photos would be distressing for anyone, but I don’t think that’s what really upset me about him seeing them.
It’s how I looked in the photos.
When you’re obese, people attach meaning from that to your character whether it’s lack of discipline, greedy, lazy, unhealthy. The list goes on. I know that it’s far from the truth, but if you’ve been thin all your life it’s hard not to see it that way. I don’t want Theo to think those things of me.
A few moments go by before he finally speaks. “Please don’t cry. I’ll be at your place in ten minutes.”
I can hear his keys in the background. He must’ve been at the office this morning.
“Okay,” I reply, then hang up the phone and walk the rest of the way back.
I text him my apartment number in case he didn’t remember from his last visit and as soon as I open the door to let him in, he pulls me to his chest. “I’ve been so fucking worried about you. Please don’t shut me out again.”
Needing some distance, I pull away and head to the kitchen to make tea. “Would you like one?” I offer.
He declines and takes a seat in my lounge, which also happens to be my kitchen and dining room. The place looks extra small with him in here.
I’ve always been incredibly proud of it, but now I wonder whether all the pink just makes me seem even more childish in his eyes.
I take a seat on the couch next to him, with a cup of chamomile in my hand.
For a moment, I wonder how I’m going to explain those photos to him, but he beats me to it.
“You don’t need to worry about those photos anymore. I’ve sorted it..”
He says it with such conviction I almost believe him, but there’s nothing that can be sorted.
The damage is done.
Even if he did get Allie to delete the images, he’s still seen them.
“I always knew those photos could come back to haunt me one day. You can never fully erase something once it’s been published on the internet. I promised myself I’d be prepared when they resurfaced. But Theo… I’m mortified that you’ve seen them.” I can’t even look him in the eyes as I say it.
Instead of replying, he gets off the couch and kneels in front of me, lifting my chin with his index finger. “I hate what they did to you, Imogen, but I promise you it doesn’t change how I feel about you. Not even a little bit. You were only a kid, and they took advantage of you. If anyone should be embarrassed it’s the people who took and shared the photos. How fucked up must they be to think doing something like that is okay.”
My shoulders lift as I take a deep breath. “Thank you. It means a lot to me that you can look past. I’m over it now anyway. I think it was just the shock of seeing them you know… I realise it was silly to just storm off like that.”
“You’re allowed to be upset, Imogen,” he says, letting out an exasperated sigh. “Who the hell made you think you don’t deserve to feel emotions?”
The question seems more rhetorical, but I don’t answer anyway. I’m not ready to discuss that with him just yet; we’ve got enough on our plate for now.
“I know it’s short notice, but I want to take you away this weekend. Just the two of us,” he says, picking up my hand and interlacing our fingers.
“What do you mean? Where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise,” he teases, “Pack your bags for a couple of days and include something warm. I’ll be here to pick you up at three.”
* * *
At three o’clock on the dot, my bags are packed, and I’m waiting for Theo to arrive. Since I have no idea where we’re going, my bag is heavier than usual with all the extra clothes (including the ones I snuck away this afternoon to buy). The weather’s been cooler these past few days, so I’ve included a couple of cable knit jumpers and a few pairs of dark jeans.
This is the first time I’ve ever been on a surprise holiday. I thought not having control would make me panic, but instead I just feel excited.
When Theo arrives, he gives me a quick kiss and grabs my bags chucking them in the boot of his car. “You ready?” he asks, looking amazing in jeans, a grey t-shirt, and dark shades.
“Yes, I can’t wait!” I love exploring New Zealand and am looking forward to seeing where we’re going. As we head south on the motorway, I can’t help but take a few guesses.
My first guess is Mount Ruapehu since he mentioned to dress warm, but it’s not.
“Coromandel?” I ask and he shakes his head.
“Taupo?” He shakes his head again.
“Am I getting any warmer?” We’ll probably arrive before we reach the destination if he doesn’t start giving me some clues.
He just smirks, giving nothing away.
Okay. So he’s going to play that game.
I decide to wait till we get out of the city till I take another guess but before I have the opportunity, he takes the exit towards Auckland Airport.
“Are we taking a plane to get there?” I ask, even though I already know the answer.
“You’ll just have to wait-and-see,” he says, enjoying this way too much.
When we pull into the airport, my suspicions are confirmed. I know it can’t be international because he didn’t ask me to bring my passport and a weekend is a short time for a long-distance trip. He parks in one of the vacant spaces and then grabs a trolley for our luggage.
Handling it all himself, not letting me carry anything.
So this is one of the perks of having a boyfriend?
“You’ve gone awfully quiet. No more guesses?” he asks, as we head towards the domestic terminal.
No, I was too busy thinking about how lucky I am to have you.
“I think I’ll just let it be a surprise.” I smile.
When we make it to the front desk my tummy is fizzing with a mixture of nerves and happiness. Theo checks our bags and hands the concierge our tickets.
“Return flights to Queenstown,” she says, scanning our tickets.
“Queenstown!” I squeal.
He’s booked us tickets to literally my favourite place on earth.
“Good job,” she says, winking at Theo while handing him back the tickets. “Enjoy your stay.”
I’m on cloud nine, both literally and figuratively. I have the window seat on the plane and get to enjoy the spectacular views beneath us. The Southern Alps are majestic, with a light dusting of snow covering the mountains.
There’s an ambience to Queenstown. Its energy is like no place I’ve ever visited.
Once we depart and collect our luggage, there’s an Audi Quattro waiting outside the airport for us. Similar in style and luxury to Theo’s other cars but this one is a lovely slate grey colour. The perfect vehicle to explore in. It’s been several years since my last visit here, and I soak up the gorgeous surroundings on the drive to our accommodation. The trees are a vibrant mix of yellow, orange, and burgundy, a sign of the impending autumn season. The colours are reminiscent of Africa, the only other place that’s ever come close to Queenstown and will forever hold a special place in my heart.
We arrive outside a beautiful hotel in the centre of town that offers undisturbed views of the lake. I recognise this building, not having visited myself, but because it’s one of the most prestigious places to stay in Queenstown. Attracting high profile clients and celebrities alike.
Theo, yet again, demonstrating his impeccable taste.
It’s getting late, and there’s almost no sunlight left but I can’t wait to explore tomorrow morning.
“I was thinking maybe we could put our bags in our room then grab dinner somewhere,” Theo suggests.
“That sounds perfect! Thank you so much for bringing me here, by the way. I don’t think there’s any greater surprise than this.”
“You’re welcome, baby. Now let’s drop these in our room and grab something to eat. I’m starving.” Theo grabs the key to our room, and we take the elevator to our floor.
He lets me do the honours and I step inside our accommodation first.
When I do, I’m blown away.
This has got to be one of the most expensive suites in the hotel. It’s understated elegance with dark chocolate wallpaper and soft cream furnishings. There’s a stunning schist fireplace in the centre of the room, dividing the bedroom and lounge area, which the hotel has kindly turned on for us.
Theo situates our bags in the walk-in wardrobe and then grabs the keys to the Audi off the bench.
“Alright, are you ready to go?”
“Yep, I’m ready, what did you have in mind?” I could honestly go for anything.
“Fergburger.”
* * *
As one of Queenstown’s most popular eateries, I’ve never had the time to wait in line for one of their world-famous burgers before. Luckily, the queues aren’t too long today.
We place our orders then take them to a nearby table to eat. As soon as they’re unwrapped, my mouth salivates at the divine smell. I take my first bite and moan.
Absolutely delicious.
We’re both about halfway through our burgers before we even speak, too consumed by the taste for conversation. I grab another bite, and Theo reaches his hand towards my face, swiping off a bit of sauce then sucking it off his thumb.
I can’t believe he just did that.
I screw my nose up in mock disgust but secretly, like most things Theo does, I found it kind of sexy.
As we polish off our burgers, the sky turns pitch black.
I’ve noticed that Theo doesn’t fill silence with unnecessary conversation. Like me, he’s content to just absorb his surroundings. He also doesn’t spend as much time on his phone as most people our age would. Between work hours he’s answering emails and on calls, but after that I never really see him on social media. It makes me wonder whether he has any accounts, so I ask him.
“No, I don’t have anything like that,” he says.
I’m calling bullshit. There’s no way someone like him has no online presence.
I tell him as much and he hands me his phone.
“Check if you don’t believe me,” his eyes gleam with a challenge in that way only a males can.
He calls out his passcode and the numbers unconsciously repeat in my mind over and over.
I laugh and hand him back his phone, raising my hands in surrender. “It’s ok, I believe you.”
“I don’t have a lot of time outside of work and when I do that’s not how I would choose to spend it.”
That seems like a very Theo answer. He’s too ambitious and driven to spend his time doing something like that. I’ve come to notice that Theo is a big picture guy; he can look at things holistically, and objectively and make decisions in the present that are best for the future.
“Especially now that I’ve found something else special to occupy my time. What about you?” he asks.
I chose to ignore his first sentence, once again ensuring the emotional barrier I’ve built between us stays firmly in place.
“I never used to. As you can expect from what happened last night, I have a bad history with photos and social media. However when I came back from Africa, I decided to set some up for my business. It seems kind of necessary these days to stay relevant in my industry. It also makes it easier for potential clients to view my work.”
“Maybe I will create one then. Just to keep an eye on you. I want to make sure no guys are gonna slide into my girl’s DMs.”
I scoff. “Trust me, you’re the first guy that’s shown even a remote level of interest in me. I think it’s safe to say my DMs won’t be getting much action. Apart from potential clients I hope.”
Maybe I shouldn’t make it so obvious just how little the opposite sex is actually interested in me, I think regretfully.
“Imogen, I don’t want to take away from your past, but the woman in front of me now is a completely different person to the girl in those photos. Some people are born with natural good looks and they spend their whole lives capitalising on it. You, on the other hand, earnt yours and you’re still oblivious to it. I don’t want to be with someone that won the genetic lottery; I want the kind of beauty that’s taken someone years to cultivate. Someone whose beauty had to come from within before it was ever visible from the outside. You’re gorgeous, Imogen, and unfortunately for me I’m not the only guy who sees it.”
His words are touching, but part of me is still skeptical. “You say that now, but I know had we met each other in high school you wouldn’t have even looked twice at me, Theo. Sometimes that’s hard to forget,” I pick up a kumara chip and dunk it in the little pot of aioli, avoiding his eyes.
“You’re right, when I was a teenager I hooked up with as many hot chicks as I could, and I’d be lying if I said I would’ve felt the same way about you then as I do now.”
I raise my brows at his admission, but he presses on.
“But… Just like you’ve changed since then, I have too. What I wanted as an eighteen year old is completely different to what I want now. There’s something about you that makes me trust you with every fibre in my being. My gut just tells me that you’ll have my back no matter what, and nothing superficial could ever replace that.”
How’s a girl supposed to compete with an admission like that? I can hear the sincerity in his voice and for the first time in my entire life I think I feel truly proud of who I’ve become.
I was wrong.
That wall I built is crumbling down brick by brick.
* * *
When we get back to our hotel room, I’m so tired and drunk on the carbs from dinner and Theo’s sweet words. It takes me a moment to realise we’re staying in a room with only one bed, so that means Theo and I will be sharing it. I don’t know why I didn’t make that connection earlier.
I know he would never pressure me into something I wasn’t ready for, but I’d be lying if I said I was completely comfortable with the idea of us sleeping together.
To give me some breathing room and create some distance between us for me to think, I tell Theo I’m going to jump in the shower.
“Okay, no worries,” he says, taking a seat in the lounge and grabbing the remote to watch some TV.
I grab my toiletries and pyjamas from my suitcase and head to the bathroom. Theo saw me in my cupcake covered pyjama set, but I’m afraid the ones I have brought tonight are even worse.
Excited by the surprise trip, I may have splurged a little when I went shopping this afternoon and purchased a couple sets of silky teddies. One in black, one in pink, and one in white.
God knows what I was thinking when I walked up to the counter and paid for these.
I hold the black one up next to my body, noticing how small and flimsy it looks under the fluorescent lights of the bathroom.
I didn’t bring anything else, so I guess I’m going to have to make do.
Travel always makes me feel grimy, and even though it was only a short haul flight, I hop in the shower to rinse the day off of me. When I get out, I cover myself head to toe in one of my favourite moisturisers. Not only does it make my skin feel incredibly smooth, it smells good enough to eat.
When I open the bathroom, I call out to Theo “bathroom’s free” then rush under the covers.
Theo walks into the bedroom. “I think I’ll grab a shower as well.”
There’s an awkwardness between us that wasn’t there an hour ago.
I hear Theo turn on the shower and snuggle deeper into the crisp cool sheets.
When I hear the shower turn off, I turn on my side and close my eyes, hoping he’ll think I’ve fallen asleep. The bathroom door opens, and I hear him put his watch on the bedside table.
Instead of getting in like I expect him to, I hear his footsteps trail back towards the lounge. “I couldn’t manage to get a room with two beds, so I’m just going to take the couch.”
I turn around in bed and look towards him, watching his back as he leaves the room.
“You don’t have to… You can sleep in here.”
He’s paid for this room after all, and it’s definitely big enough to fit the two of us. I wouldn’t sleep knowing he was out there uncomfortable on the couch. I probably won’t sleep if he’s in the bed either.
“If you’re sure?” he says, walking towards the opposite side of the bed.
I pull the covers in answer and stay quiet as a mouse as he turns off the light switch and gets into bed.
Moments pass and when I finally think he’s gone to sleep, I feel him slide his hand over my waist to grasp my hand under the covers. “Goodnight, Imogen.”