Nautilus Than Perfect by K.L. Hiers

Chapter 5.

“WHAT ISwrong with him?” Merrick wondered out loud. “Is it the drugs?”

“Who the fuck knows,” Chase grunted, joining Merrick at the door and knocking impatiently. “Hey, Ollie! It’s me! Uncle Elwood! Open the fuck up, kid!”

“Uncle Elwood?” Ollie shouted back, sounding alarmed. “No fuckin’ way! You and your freaky-ass buddy need to go away! Like, just, just go right now!”

“Ollie, please—”

“He has tentacles! No!”

Merrick and Chase stared at each other.

“He can see me,” Merrick whispered hurriedly.

“Fucking how?” Chase spat back. “How is that possible?”

“He must be blessed by the gods.”

“Oh, right, that totally explains it.” Chase knocked again, raising his voice again as he pleaded, “Ollie, we just wanna talk, okay? Please?”

“No! I’m still not talking to you!” Ollie growled.

“Technically, you’re talking to me right now,” Chase pointed out. “Look, we need your help. I’m not even being dramatic when I say the fate of the fuckin’ world is at stake here.”

The door opened a tiny crack, and Ollie peered at them suspiciously. “Really?”

“Yes,” Chase promised.

Ollie cut his eyes at Merrick. “Do you see it?”

“See what?”

“What he is,” Ollie said. “That thing inside of him.”

“Well, I can’t see it right now, but I know it’s there.”

Ollie’s eyes widened, and he opened the door a little more. “You believe me now?”

Chase thought back to all the other times Ollie had claimed he’d seen monsters, and his heart clenched. Maybe he’d been wrong about Ollie and his visions, and he wanted to make this right.

“Yes,” he confirmed, “and I owe you a real big fuckin’ apology.” He offered a sympathetic smile. “Can we come in?”

“I… I guess.” Ollie slowly opened the door, backpedaling a safe distance away.

Ollie went in first with Merrick right behind him, and he took a quick glance around the apartment.

It was packed full of plants, crystals, wicker furniture, and it reeked of incense and old booze. The trash peeking out from the kitchen was full, and a few empty bottles of alcohol were clustered around it. There were charms hanging in the windows, wind chimes with colored bits of glass, shining Sagittarian totems, and tight bundles of dried flowers.

“We require your assistance,” Merrick began in that firm voice of his once the door was shut behind them.

“No, no, me first.” Ollie hugged himself, defiantly staring down Merrick. “You. What are you? You’re all squished up in there, but I can see you.”

“I am Gordoth the Untouched,” Merrick replied, “brother of Salgumel, Shartorath, Yeris, Ulgon, Elgrirath, Zarnorach, Xarbon, Solmach, Eb, Ebb, Ebbeth, and Lozathin. I was spawned by Baub, the child of Zunnerath and Halandrach, they who were born of Etheril and Xarapharos, descended directly from Great Azaethoth himself.”

“Justice,” Ollie said, his jaw hanging wide open. “You’re the god of justice.”

“Yes. Now, how are you doing this?” Merrick asked. He took a few steps toward Ollie, his bright eyes turning black. “How can you see me?”

“Whoa, whoa!” Ollie cried out. “Back off, Wiggles!”

“I mean you no harm, mortal child,” Merrick soothed, offering his hand and a few tentacles as he continued to advance. “Please.”

“No! Nope! No touchie! Get up out of my personal space!” Ollie held up his finger to keep Merrick away. “I’ll tell you whatever you want to know. Just cool it with the squiggly bits!”

“How about we sit down, huh?” Chase nudged Merrick. “And put said squiggly bits away, huh?”

Merrick actually looked insulted, but he withdrew to the sofa. His tentacles went back inside his sleeve, and he tucked his hands in his lap. He had the demeanor of a puppy whose nose had just been bopped with a newspaper.

“So, uh, right, I maybe have starsight?” Ollie said, scooting into the kitchen. He returned with a bottle of vodka and tipped it back.

“The fuck?” Chase asked, reaching over to take the bottle so Ollie would stop chugging. “Like, psychic powers? Divine magic? Need a Class S license for magic like that, and I know you ain’t got one.”

“Exactly,” Ollie snapped. “Which is why I never told anybody. Especially you, by the way.”

Chase ignored how that hurt and took a drink from the bottle before handing it back. He gave Merrick a warning look, and thankfully no verbal reprimands came about drinking while on the clock.

“Was this a congenital blessing?” Merrick asked politely.

“No, my parents were married, you jerk,” Ollie replied with a short huff. “It happened after my ex-boyfriend died.”

Merrick stared.

“Congenital means ‘since birth,’ kiddo,” Chase explained patiently.

“Oh… well.” Ollie scowled. “I knew that!”

“Now, what boyfriend?” Chase sat down on the sofa next to Merrick. “You haven’t seen anybody since you broke up with that big guy who worked at the funeral home. I mean, that’s kinda when you started going downhill.”

“Ted,” Ollie supplied, smiling sadly as he raised the bottle back up. “That’s the one. That’s how it all started.”

“I’m sorry, I thought you guys just broke up. I didn’t know he died.”

“Well, that’s because I brought him back to life.”

“Necromancy?” Chase’s eyes widened. “Are you fuckin’ kidding me, kid?”

“It is a serious felony,” Merrick cautioned, “and true necromancy hasn’t been seen in hundreds of years. That is both a very bold and very foolish claim to make.”

“Says the wiggly god guy who’s supposed to be in sleepy land,” Ollie scoffed. “Anything’s possible, squid dude.”

“Look, just talk to me. Tell me what happened,” Chase urged, trying to keep Ollie’s attention. “No offense, kid, but you really expect me to believe you were able to bring someone back from the dead?”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Ollie demanded.

“You’ve been doing real great with this translating gig, I’ll give you that, but….”

“But what?”

“Ollie,” Chase said cautiously, “you asked me where all the stars go during the daytime.”

“Oh, come on.” Ollie’s face turned red. “I was probably, like, you know, really young—”

“This was last year at your mother’s birthday. And speaking of your mom, when you wanted to make her cookies for Mother’s Day, you bought two ’M’ cookie cutters.”

“Because there’s two m’s in the word mom,” Ollie mumbled defiantly. “Duh.”

“Kiddo, you tried to take toast out of a toaster with a fork.”

“Well, how else was I supposed to get it out? The lifty pusher-up thing was stuck!” Ollie turned up his nose. “I don’t like what you’re implicating here, Uncle.”

“Oleander,” Chase said with all the sincerity he could muster, “you are one of the sweetest kids I know, but come on. I feel like necromancy is a tiny bit out of your league.”

“Let him speak,” Merrick said suddenly. He looked to Ollie. “You say that you were able to resurrect your lover. Tell us how you did it.”

“Sure thing, Wiggles,” Ollie said as he flopped down in a worn wicker chair beside them. He gave Chase a dirty look before clearing his throat and saying, “I loved Ted more than anything. He was it for me. We had gone to the beach for the weekend, and I proposed… which apparently was the totally wrong thing to do.

“Ted got super mad at me, said he wasn’t ready, and we got in a huge fight. Then, well, he might have maybe drowned trying to save this boy. His name was Graham. Super sweet little guy, and he thought Ted was so cool. Asked him if he was part giant and all this cute shit, and he really wanted him to take him out into the waves.

“He came over to talk to Ted about it right after our big fight, and well, Ted snapped at him. Really upset him, and the poor little guy ran away crying. Ted cools down and gets to bitching about finding some sunscreen, and that’s when we heard Graham’s mom start screaming. Since Ted wouldn’t take him into the water, Graham went by himself.”

“Fuck,” Chase whispered, hating that he could already see where the story was headed.

It was nowhere good.

“Ted went after him, and he never came back up,” Ollie went on, his voice now flat, as if trying to separate himself from what was obviously a painful memory. “They got their bodies, dragged ’em up on the beach. Paramedics show up, and they even got some fancy healer who was there vacationing with his family. They were all trying to save little Graham, and I ran over to Ted.

“He was dead. I mean, I know he was dead. Everyone had given up on him and was trying to save the kid. And I was so angry, so fuckin’ angry. I don’t know exactly what happened. I remember shaking him and wishing that I knew what to do.” He smiled bitterly. “That for once in my life I wouldn’t be stupid ol’ Ollie, and I would know what the big magical secret was to bring him back.”

Chase cringed, knowing he had more than contributed to Ollie’s doubts about his intelligence—especially just in this conversation.

“And you got it.” Merrick nodded in understanding. “You received the sight to see all that is unseen.”

“Yeah, that.” Ollie leaned back in his chair, and the wicker creaked. “I could see it. The words just popped up in my head, and I knew exactly what to do and what it was gonna cost me.”

“You knew?” Merrick frowned. “And you still did it?”

“I loved him,” Ollie said, shrugging as he took another drink. “It didn’t matter.”

“What happened to the boy?” Chase asked hesitantly.

“I wanted to save him too,” Ollie replied, his brow furrowing up. “I really did, but the ambulance took him away before I could. I mean, I don’t even know if I could have done it twice because of the cost, but I woulda tried.”

“The cost is what? Life?”

“Yup.” Ollie touched his bare chest. “Part of my heart will always be with Ted Sturm, quite literally.”

“Wait, wait.” Chase fumbled for a cigarette. He saw Ollie eyeballing them and offered him one. “So, you get this crazy magic blessing, bring your would-be fiancé back from the dead, and you still break up?”

“When he woke up, he didn’t remember what had happened,” Ollie replied, nodding in gratitude as he took the cigarette and grabbed a lighter from the coffee table to light up. “Not the kid, not dying, nothing. He was still being a dick, and yeah, the ride home wasn’t real great. He dumped me, and I never told him the truth.”

“But why the fuck not?” Chase asked, sparking a fire with his fingers to light his cigarette. “He owes you his life!”

“That’s not a real reason to stay with somebody,” Ollie protested. “I wouldn’t want Ted to be with me because he felt like he owes me something. I wanted him to be with me because he loved me.” He flicked his cigarette in the general direction of the ashtray. “So I let him go.”

“And then what?” Merrick pressed. “Your starsight abilities continued to grow, yes?”

“Yeah,” Ollie said. “Started seeing shit I didn’t understand all the time. Some people look normal enough, but then they’re all black and rotten inside. I once saw a guy who looked like an angel, but underneath his skin was nothing but death. Plus, I could suddenly read all the Japanese on my pocky and my mochi cakes.”

“And the monster at the grocery store?”

“Some crazy wiggly thing all crammed into a body like him,” Ollie said, pointing at Merrick. “I had never seen anything like it before.”

“Was this guy a redhead?” Chase asked slowly.

“Yeah, why?”

“I think that may have been Azaethoth,” Chase replied, glancing at Merrick. “The night he zapped my brain, he was screaming about garlic and stole a fake tree from a grocery store. I woke up at home with no clue how I got there, and that’s when I got the call about Ollie freaking out at what I bet was the same grocery store.”

“You know that other wiggly guy?” Ollie demanded, scowling at Merrick. “Well, you tell him he’s a giant jerk, and I hope whatever he was making with that garlic was awful. He’s the damn reason I got arrested!”

“That’s why you started getting into drugs?” Chase asked cautiously. “All the shit you were seeing?”

“Was trying to find a way to make it stop,” Ollie said with a grimace. “Spoiler alert, it doesn’t work.” He gestured to the bottle in his hand. “This doesn’t really help either, but at least I can sleep.”

“I’m sorry,” Chase said, and he hated it because it didn’t sound like it was enough. His neglected cigarette had become one long cylindrical ash, and he dropped it into the ashtray to smother what was left.

Ollie shook his head in reply, looking down at his bottle.

“No, Oleander, I’m sorry,” Chase said again more earnestly. “All this time, I thought you were crazy. I thought it was the drugs—”

“Just stop,” Ollie protested.

“No, I’m sorry.” Chase reached out to touch his knee and squeeze it. His heart felt heavy, and he had to get this out. “I fucked up, okay? I should have believed you. I can’t go back and fix it, but I can help you now. Whatever you need.”

“Uncle Elwood, there’s nothing you can do to help me,” Ollie insisted. “The drinking isn’t great, I know, but I’ve been clean since I got arrested. I swear. I’ve got it all handled now.”

“What if we get you registered?” Chase offered, patting Ollie’s leg. “I know there’s programs out there for people who got powers like this.”

“Ha!” Ollie jerked away. “Not fuckin’ happening. You can’t tell anybody. Not ever.”

“Using an ability of this magnitude requires a Class S license,” Merrick said. “Operating without one makes you a rogue witch. Do you understand that?”

“Yeah, and what kinda license do you gotta have for all them tentacles, huh?” Ollie shot back. “I am not getting registered. I know what happens to people with Class S licenses. The government makes them all go bye-bye, and they take them to a secret lab like they did with Fish Boy!”

“Fish Boy?” Chase snorted. “That fake-ass thing from the tabloids? Ollie, no. That’s not true!”

“No. I’m not doing it. No fuckin’ way.” Ollie narrowed his eyes. “You guys came here ’cause you needed my help, right? If you want me to help you, then you’re not gonna say a word about this to anybody.”

“You seriously haven’t told anybody else?”

“Nope. Not my parents, not my sister, not a damn soul. I’ve been perfectly happy right here in my own little world, trying not to go crazy all by myself. The only thing I need from you is to pretty please not arrest me.”

“I want you to get help, kiddo.” Chase waved at the bottle. “Not drink yourself to death.”

“You wanna help me, you can leave me alone. I’ll do whatever it is you want with the added bonus of not telling everybody ever that an old god is working at the AVPD.”

“You would blackmail us?” Merrick demanded.

“Yup.” Ollie grinned. “I sure would. Not very fair of me, I know that kinda thing is real important to you, O’Wiggles of justice, but I’m sure you understand. I don’t wanna go to jail, and I bet you wanna save the world or whatever it is, right?”

“Damn. Didn’t think you had it in you, kid.” Chase was actually proud. “Good for you.”

“Who’s stupid now?” Ollie mumbled triumphantly through a sip of vodka.

“We could still arrest him,” Merrick mused out loud. “Practicing Class S magic without a license, failure to register newly developed magical skills, conveying threats to an officer.”

“Merrick,” Chase grunted. “Let it go. We need him. Saving the world trumps your mortal officer duties, remember?” He looked to Ollie. “This starsight thing, is that how you translate stuff?”

“Yeah,” Ollie replied. “I look at the words, and well, I read them. Like, I just see it, whatever it is.”

“We got some ancient-ass paintings that we need you to look at,” Chase explained. “They contain some kind of ritual that’s supposed to wake up Salgumel. You know who he is, right?”

“God of dreams and sleep. Wow. No, that’s bad.” Ollie appeared to be sobering up at the thought. “That’s, like, super bad.”

“Yeah. We were hoping there’s something in these paintings that might help us figure out how to find these jerkoffs.”

“Fine. Just lemme see them.”

“We can bring you photographs. That work?”

“Yeah.” Ollie stood up, frowning at Merrick and Chase. “You really think this ritual can wake up Salgumel?”

“We do,” Merrick replied. “It is imperative we find these wicked men and stop them as soon as possible.”

“I’ll do whatever I can to help,” Ollie promised.

“Thank you,” Chase said. “I’ll call in and get the pics, and then I’ll send them over to you.” He paused. “Maybe I could come by and hang out? Help you go through them?”

“No thanks,” Ollie replied. “I work better alone. Send me the pics and I’ll get you the translations, okay?” He glanced between them, making a bit of a face at Merrick. “Anything else?”

Chase could tell from Ollie’s tone that he wanted them to leave. “No, uh, that’s it.” He stood up, nodding for Merrick to follow. “You take care of yourself, kiddo. Call me if you need anything. I mean, even if you just wanna talk—”

“I’m good, Uncle Elwood,” Ollie cut in sharply, and he looked away. “Thanks.”

Chase chose not to comment on how that was the most insincere “thanks” ever uttered, and he left without another word. He vaguely heard Merrick bidding Ollie farewell, but he didn’t stick around to hear what was said.

He was already lighting another cigarette back at the car by the time Merrick had caught up, and he said, “So, he translates the paintings, and we hope we learn something useful.”

“You are hurting,” Merrick said.

“I’m fine.”

“How many cigarettes have you had?”

“Today’s been a shitty day, okay?” Chase took a long drag from his cigarette. “All this time, my nephew has been going nuts seeing some very fucked-up shit. And when he tried to tell me, I just thought he was high. Oh, and I arrested him.”

“You cannot hold yourself responsible. He was not being honest with you.”

“I should have known something was up when he started cracking all those crazy codes for the department and speaking fuckin’ Klingon. He almost failed English class in high school. Twice. I thought maybe he’d finally found his niche or whatever.”

“You cannot change what’s already been done,” Merrick said. “You can only control what you do moving forward. If Ollie does not wish to make amends yet, you must not try to force it.”

“Look, I appreciate you’re trying to have this tender moment with me, but please don’t.”

“Have I offended you?” Merrick asked, looking genuinely concerned.

“Oh, not at all,” Chase said sarcastically. He took out his phone to call the department, mimicking Merrick under his breath, “Have I offended you? Oh, have I?”

“That is extremely rude,” Merrick griped.

Chase ignored him and punched in the extension for the forensics lab.

“Forensics, this is Milo,” Milo answered, “where you too can be part of the solution and not the precipitate.”

“Hey, Milo,” Chase greeted. “I need you to send me some photos of those old paintings from the factory.”

Merrick got in the car and cranked the engine. Chase saw the brake lights illuminate, and he actually thought for a moment Merrick might leave him there. He flicked away his cigarette and hopped in the passenger seat.

“Yeah, I can email them to you,” Milo was saying. “That work?”

“Sure thing.”

“I just got back from that homicide, and we’ve got, like, a million years’ worth of evidence to process, but Daisy got a lead on those paintings.”

“Oh?” Chase switched the phone to speaker mode so Merrick could hear as well. “Go on, Merrick is here too.”

“I’m listening,” Merrick said, pulling out of the parking space and heading back to the street. “You have something for us, Milo?”

“Yup! Fun and exciting news!” Milo said. “We found the owner of the fake painting.”

“Okay.” Chase paused. “And this is relevant because?”

“The owner is a guy named Slappy Romero—”

“Slappy? What kinda name is Slappy?”

“Look, I’m not his mother. I didn’t do it. Just listen for a second. Mr. Romero—”

“Slappy.”

“Yes, Slappy.” Milo huffed. “He’s done time for fraud and counterfeiting, so he’s a shady dude when he’s not being a super smooth art dealer. He got a big payday from his insurance company a few years ago when The Moist Fertility of Urilitha’s Nethers was stolen.

“Very heartbreaking loss, was the crown jewel of his collection. And wouldn’t you know it? He applied for another insurance payout for the painting being stolen earlier this year from his gallery.”

“Wait,” Merrick said, frowning. “He’s had the same painting stolen twice?”

“Different insurance company, same painting,” Milo replied. “What’s super fun is that both insurance companies sent out appraisers to examine the painting both times to ensure its authenticity.”

“And it was legit?” Chase asked.

“Both times.”

“So, he’s what? Keeping the real painting and making bank by having a bunch of fake copies stolen?”

“How should I know? You guys are the detectives. Go detect! I’m sending you his home address, and then I’ll get those pictures over.”

“Thanks, Milo.”

“Good luck, guys!”

Chase hung up the phone with a sigh. “This is a damn stretch. Chasin’ some crooked-ass art collector when we should be looking for our rotten ol’ buddy Jeff.”

“I would offer some suggestions, but I fear I may offend you,” Merrick said coldly, staring straight out the window.

“Oh, don’t you start,” Chase complained. “If anyone has a reason to be butthurt today, it’s me.”

“You?” Merrick scoffed, gripping the steering wheel tightly as he made a quick right turn.

“Yes, me!” Chase argued, scowling as he had to brace himself against the passenger door.

“You are being very inconsiderate of my feelings.”

“Me? Being inconsiderate of your feelings?” Chase sneered. “Ha!”

“You are not the only one who is hurting!”

“Oh, stuff a sock in it, your godliness!”

“Stuff what where now?” Merrick’s anger gave way to bewilderment.

“A fuckin’ sock!” Chase shouted. “Take a fuckin’ sock and stuff it right up your—”

He never got to finish the sentence as the car was suddenly engulfed in flames. It happened so fast that Chase didn’t understand what was going on until it was too late. He couldn’t breathe through the thick and noxious smoke, and he felt horrible pain all over his body as the car crashed into something and came to a sudden stop.

His final thought was that he couldn’t believe his last words were going to be telling a god he loved to do awful things with a sock.