Hard Risk by Sidney Bristol
Chapter Twenty-Three
York City, NY.
Harper’s palms were sweating, and he hadn’t been able to eat. Not since he’d gotten the text from Kelsey that asked him to come by the recovery center to speak with Jessica.
He’d spoken with her on speaker a few times while he was undercover and with Robin, but they’d never met. Not until she’d been bleeding out in the alley.
Fuck.
What was this about?
Harper didn’t know what he wanted. He was at a stand-still. Professionally, he was stuck in a waiting pattern. The team wouldn’t leave New York until Jessica and Daar could be moved to a more secure facility. Then there were meetings and interviews to undergo as the various law enforcement agencies involved with the investigation did their work. But mostly, he was doing nothing. On the personal front, it was worse. He was frozen, unable to act. Everything in him wanted to go to Robin, to fix what he’d broken. But she didn’t want him. She didn’t even want to see him.
Given what she’d lost and endured, he couldn’t allow himself to take anything from her. Even a moment of her time.
He’d known from the beginning that she could hate him in the end, and he’d gone ahead and lost his heart to her.
That hadn’t been the plan. Hell, he hadn’t wanted to care about her, but at some point, his resolve had slipped and he’d caught feelings for her. Now here he was, exhausted, miserable and unable to eat.
The elevator dinged, letting him out on the floor where Jessica was being kept. Daar was on the opposite side of the building a few floors below. They hadn’t wanted to keep the two closer for fear that someone trying to finish off Daar might eliminate Jessica as well.
Kelsey pushed off the wall across from him. “Took you long enough.”
Harper grunted a greeting.
Her gaze raked down him and she pursed her lips, clearly not liking what she saw. “At least you brought flowers.”
He didn’t reply to that comment.
“Logan said Jamie and Evan are giving you an extra hard time.”
Harper didn’t reply to that either.
Kelsey chuckled. “You kind of deserve that.”
He kept his thoughts to himself. Yeah, he gave as good as he got most of the time, but he wasn’t a dick. He didn’t kick people when they were down unless they really deserved it.
They paused to check in with the guard there and get a pat down before proceeding into Jessica’s room. Harper was surprised to see Diha sitting on the sofa under the window, laptop balanced on her knees. Even more remarkable was Jessica sitting in a tall, padded chair facing the windows instead of laid up in bed.
Diha saw him first. She glanced up and smiled at him. “Hey, you.”
Jessica turned her head, but didn’t shift her body. “Who is it?”
“It’s Harper.” He circled around so Jessica could see him better. “And I brought flowers.”
Her brows rose, and she looked from him to the little, potted African violet. “Wow, you do your homework, don’t you?”
He lifted a shoulder. “What’s the point of bringing you flowers you don’t like?”
Besides, cut flowers died. Jessica was going to be in bed a lot. Tending flowers was something she could do comfortably, and it brought a little life to her room. Of course, there were a handful of other vases with blossoms in various stages of wilt already there.
She held out her hands, and he delivered the ceramic pot into her hands.
“Wow, it’s beautiful,” Jessica said. “How’d many social media posts did you have to go through to find this out?”
“None. Robin mentioned it once. I just happened to remember.”
Jessica’s brows rose, and she nodded slowly. “Is that on the record somewhere now?”
He drew in a calming breath and sat on the sofa with Diha in front of Jessica.
“No. No, that won’t be on any recording.” He kept his tone even though he was more than a little annoyed.
“I see,” she muttered.
He got the distinct feeling he was here to be a verbal punching bag.
Great.
“Kelsey said you wanted to see me?” Harper prompted.
“I just told her I was curious about you.” Jessica studied him openly. “You look like a Gonzalez, not a Wright. What’s with the white sounding last name?”
“My grandfather was American. My parents immigrated in their early twenties and stayed with his family some. Moved around a lot.”
Jessica propped one elbow on the armrest. He couldn’t forget that she was a lawyer. Dragging information out of unwilling people was part of her job.
“Why you? Out of everyone, why’d they send you?” she asked.
He glanced at Kelsey who shrugged.
That didn’t tell him a whole lot.
“I can’t say for certain, I can only guess. It’s not like we get a bullet list of why we’re right for the job or anything.” He rubbed his jaw, trying to decide how much to share. “I think it boiled down to two things. First, I was single. Second, I speak Arabic.”
“That’s it? Seriously?”
He shrugged. What was she expecting?
Harper glanced at each of the three women in then licked his lips. “Am I allowed to ask how she’s doing?”
Jessica rolled her eyes. “Why are you bothering?”
At that, he frowned. “Because I care.”
“Then why haven’t you tried seeing her? Why leave her alone?”
“Because that’s what she told me to do,” he said slowly.
“And that’s what you choose to listen to?”
Harper grit his teeth. Robin had mentioned that Jessica could be pushy to a fault. He was beginning to understand what Robin had meant.
“Look, I don’t know what you’re getting at, but I already tried talking to Robin. She does not want to see me right now.”
Jessica propped her chin on her hand. “And how does that make you feel?”
He frowned. “What is this? Group therapy?”
Diha reached over and put her hand on his thigh.
He glanced at her solemn expression and curbed his frustration before turning his attention back to Jessica.
“It doesn’t make me feel good.” He leaned back and draped his arms along the cushions. Sitting with his body closed off would send the wrong message to someone like Jessica. “Yes, I did a job. Part of that job required me to spend a lot of time with someone I grew to like and respect. I think it’s natural I’d give a damn considering what happened.”
Jessica continued to study him. Her mouth was scrunched up giving her a sour look.
Clearly, she didn’t like what he’d had to say.
“What’s more important to you then? Your pride or your love for Robin?” Jessica asked.
Harper sat there a moment, his gut in knots. He knew it wasn’t hot in the room, but he was close to sweating.
“I never said I was in love with her,” he said slowly.
He hadn’t been able to admit it to himself.
Jessica lifted her shoulders. “Oh, my bad. Then I guess there’s no reason at all to concern yourself with Robin.”
He narrowed his gaze. “It seems the only reason you asked me here was to be a verbal punching bag. Let me know when you’re done.”
Jessica’s chin tipped up, and she stared at him. This was the stone-cold lawyer under the chipper, cheerful mask. “I’m not sure I believe you when you say you gave a damn about Robin.”
“And I don’t think I need to prove anything to you. Would it matter? Robin was clear. She does not want to see me and I will respect that even if I don’t like or agree with it. I’m not unaware of my role in hurting her. I’m very aware of it, and I recognize that her power to choose has been taken away from her. On multiple levels. The best thing I can do for her right now is respect her choice. Because you think she wanted to deal with her father’s estate? You think she wants to deal with the fall-out of her uncle? Robin had plans. She wanted a career. She wanted to make something of herself on her own, and now she’s saddled with this mess. It’s not whether or not I care that matters here. No, it’s giving Robin a choice and a say in what her next step is, because she finally gets to make that call herself.”
The room was silent save for the regular beeps and whirls of sound from the machines.
“Then you promise you’re going to leave her alone?” Jessica asked.
Harper pushed to his feet. “I won’t make that promise.”
He didn’t think he could uphold that promise if she wanted to, and he didn’t. He’d give Robin space and time, but that didn’t change how he was drawn to her. He’d see her again, though she might not be aware he was there.
Monday. Recovery Center, New York City, NY.
Robin stood outside the door to Uncle Daar’s room as the minutes ticked by.
She hadn’t been to see him, not since the hospital.
She regretted having ridden in the ambulance with him instead of Jessica. Uncle Daar did not deserve her loyalty. The FBI had shed light on his crimes, and they were worse than she’d been led to believe.
How was it a monster like him got to keep living?
Robin needed to do this. For herself.
She reached out and opened the door. The room was dim, and the windows covered. The staff had mentioned that they were moving him at irregular intervals to prevent someone targeting him within the building. That was how dangerous he was. People out there might blow up a whole building just to get to him.
A single guard sat watch at the bedside. He glanced up at her entrance and studied her a moment.
“Robin?” he asked.
“Yes.” She took a few steps closer to the bed.
Uncle Daar was unrecognizable.
If it wasn’t for Harper winging Uncle Daar, he might have shot straight up into his brain, killing himself instantly. Instead, the self-inflicted wound had shattered the jawbone before tearing through the sinus cavity and eye socket. The doctors had told her there was considerable swelling of the brain and that despite the shot missing, he might never wake up. If he did, there was no way to tell how much of the original man would still be there.
“Would you mind if I had a second alone?” Robin asked the guard.
He glanced from her to Daar and back. “I can stand in the doorway with the door open.”
“Would it help if I promised I’m not going to smother him to death?”
The officer frowned.
Clearly, her humor wasn’t appreciated.
Harper would have laughed.
She shoved the thought away immediately.
“I’d appreciate the illusion of privacy,” she said.
He seemed to accept that and got to his feet. He crossed to the entry and pulled the curtain across so she couldn’t see him.
It would do.
Robin blew out a breath and crossed to Uncle Daar’s bedside.
How was it he got to live? What kind of cruel world was this?
“I know you probably can’t hear me, but I wanted to have this conversation with you. It’s probably better. You’d talk over me if you were awake.” She gripped the railing to steady herself. “I’ve decided that I can’t forgive you. You’ve caused so much pain and suffering. You killed both my parents. You treated me like I was less than. And now I find out you’re worse than all of that. When people talk about how humans can be monsters, I’m always going to think of you. From now on. That’s why I’m going to help the FBI. I’m going to tell them everything I know and I’m going to let them dig through all of Dad’s things.”
A tremor shook her, and she regretted having come in here alone.
Jessica might actually smother Uncle Daar to death, not that Robin would blame her.
Saaina was gone. They’d had dinner last night together. Today the FBI would be relocating her and Robin would never see Saaina again. At least she was getting the chance to live her life the way she wanted to from here on out.
Kelsey and Diha seemed like nice enough people, but Robin didn’t know them. Besides, they were connected to Harper.
Every nerve ending in her body throbbed. The pain was sharp and bone-deep.
It was so confusing. The last person she should want was Harper, and every damn day she thought about him. She checked her phone wondering how he was doing.
“Why is it the only man I’ve wanted more with just wanted you?” she asked Uncle Daar’s prone form. “I’m jealous of a vegetable. I’m jealous Harper came into my life because of you. For once, why can’t it be about me? I’m going to be dealing with your shit for years. The FBI has already said I’m probably at risk just for being related to you. Where’s the fairness in that?”
It wasn’t surprising that he continued to lay there saying nothing.
“Goodbye, Uncle Daar. I don’t intend to see you again. I’ll pay the bills and do what I have to, but I will not give you more than the bare minimum. I don’t know how, but I’ll try to undo some of the evil you brought into the world. It’s the least I can do.”
Robin turned and strode out of the room. She didn’t want to cry, not in front of him even if he was unconscious. She had some pride left.
The officer called out to her as she hurried away, but she ignored him.
As of today, Robin was only going to look forward.
She swiped her hand over her face, willing herself to not cry, and walked into a person. Strong hands grasped her arms, steadying her as she jerked her arm down and stared up at Harper’s face.
He blinked at her and his mouth hung open, as if he’d been about to say something.
Robin didn’t breathe. She was too scared to for fear that time would resume. Instead, they stood there, her lungs burning, looking at each other.
He recovered first, letting her go and taking a step back. “Sorry, I didn’t know you’d be down here.”
She hoisted her purse farther up her shoulder. “It’s fine.”
Neither of them made a move to leave and she couldn’t force a word out. So they stood there.
Harper slid his hands into his pockets. His surprise morphed into a familiar expression, one of warmth. It was the face she saw when he listened to her. Really listened.
His eyes seemed to peel back her layers and stare into her soul. It was like he could sense that deep down she wasn’t sure she meant those words. “I know you said you didn’t want to see me again, and I mean to respect that. Um, would you… This is completely out of line, I know, but could I have one moment? One moment to apologize? I won’t ask anything of you, I swear.”
Robin wanted to say yes. But should she?
She’d fallen in love with the idea of Harper Gonzalez, not Harper Wright. She couldn’t trust him. Not after what he’d done. But she also couldn’t deny that cutting him off like that hurt. With everything else she was going through, couldn’t she be a little selfish? Couldn’t she have something for herself?
Harper took a step closer and his brows drew down. “Robin, please?”
“Yeah. Okay. Fine,” she whispered.
His hand closed around hers and he brought it to his lips. He pressed his lips to her wrist and drew in a deep breath, like a man starving for oxygen. The skin tingled where he touched and that sensation skipped up her arm to soothe her heart, all while her brain screamed at her that this was a bad idea.
Harper didn’t love her like she loved him. He couldn’t.
Monday. Recovery Center, New York City, NY.
Harper didn’t let go of Robin’s hand. Despite the lack of sleep, he felt energized. How many times had he gone over what he wanted to say to her? How to make it up to her?
The rooms around Daar’s were empty by design. He led Robin across the hall into an empty suite and closed the door behind them, never once letting her go. Part of him was worried if he released her she’d change her mind and run.
The urge to wrap his arms around her was hard to resist. He was reasonably certain that if he did, she’d knee him in the balls and be gone.
“Did Jessica send you the pages I took pictures of?” Robin asked suddenly.
“Um, I’m not sure. That’s a Diha question.”
“Oh. Right. I’ll ask her then.”
For a moment they stood there staring at each other.
“Thank you.” He slid his thumb along her racing pulse. Was she afraid of him? Angry? Something else?
“Is that it?” she asked. In the dim light it was hard to make out her expression.
“No. Just, thank you for speaking to me.” He licked his lips and grasped around in his mind for the right way to begin. “I owe you an apology so big nothing I ever say will be good enough. I justified my actions at times because it was the job or I was being selfish. I went along with my boss’ plan because I thought I understood you and the situation, but I didn’t. I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry, Robin. And then I’m not sorry, because if different decisions had been made, maybe I wouldn’t have got to meet you. Maybe I wouldn’t have had time with you. I can’t be sorry that my job threw us together. I will regret the pain I caused you for the rest of my life.”
Robin continued to stand there, her face impassive, all while her pulse continued to race under his thumb.
She felt something for him.
“Is there anything I can say or do to convince you to not cut me out?” he asked.
“How am I supposed to trust you?” she whispered then shook her head. “After all this?”
It wasn’t an outright no. He could work with this.
“I don’t think you should be expected to trust me. At least not right now.” What next? Where did he take things? What did he say? “I’d like it if I could, I don’t know, text you? See how you’re doing? We take it slow.”
Robin snorted and shifted away from him, but didn’t pull her arm from his grasp. “I’m not sure that’s a good idea.”
“Would it make a difference if I groveled? Got on my knees?” he asked.
She laughed. “Seriously?”
Harper didn’t think twice. He lowered himself to his knees and slid his hand to twine with hers. “I’m very serious.”
“Stop playing around.”
He squeezed her hand. “I’m not. I know I got wrapped up in you. You think I liked finding out you were using me the same way I was using you?”
Robin stepped back now, pulling her hand from his. “That’s different.
“How is it not the same?” He stared up at her, trying his best to read her features but they were shrouded in shadow. “You wanted to get information from your uncle. Since he wouldn’t give you the same amount of time he would a man, you made sure to show me off.”
Her hands fisted, and she seemed to vibrate with feeling. “That’s different.”
“How? How is it different?”
“It’s different because I actually liked you before the plan, okay? I fell for your bird watching act and the way you always made time for me. You weren’t bird watching, you were tailing me. All of it was a lie.”
“It wasn’t.” Go big or go home, right? “I fell in love with you after the plan was in motion, yes, but I don’t think that negates my feelings.”
Robin backed up against the wall. Her eyes were so large now.
“You do not mean that,” she said.
“I do. When it came to our interactions? Just the two of us? That wasn’t the job. That was me.”
“What do you want from me?” Her voice broke, and she was whispering at the end.
Fuck this.
Harper knew he was a bastard. He knew he deserved to be hurt and feel all the regret inside of him. But she didn’t. And he couldn’t remain here watching her slowly break apart. He crawled the short distance to her and wrapped his arms around her waist, hugging her as tight as he dared.
She didn’t pull away.
Her body trembled and her pain was a palpable thing.
“What I want?” He closed his eyes. “I want a chance. I want a chance to do things right and make it up to you. That’s it.”
She ran her fingers through his hair.
“This isn’t fair.” Her voice broke again as she spoke, so full of feeling. Then she sniffled.
That broke him.
“No. Please don’t cry?” He stood, picking her up as he went.
He braced her against the wall. She buried her face against his shoulder and for several long moments he just held her.
“Tell me you don’t want to feel anything for me. Tell me to go away and I will,” he whispered.
She didn’t say anything.
Harper kissed her temple then her cheek.
Robin lifted her face from his shoulder and turned, ever so slightly toward him.
There were better men in the world. Men who would do the right thing. Harper was not that man.
He pressed his lips to hers and for the first time in days felt alive. Robin’s fingers tunneled through his hair, holding him right there as her mouth moved.
As much as he wanted to kiss her, he had a goal in mind and he was playing for keeps now.
“Tell me,” he whispered.
She shook her head slightly and kissed him.
He let her lead and for a moment nothing mattered except her mouth. Right up until she shifted her hips, grinding against him.
“Robin?” he growled her name and mentally pumped the brakes.
“Fine,” she whispered. “I do feel things for you, which is why this is so damn hard.”
He chuckled. “Not as hard as I am.”
Her laugh was a swift kick to his balls, a memory of better times when her laughter was the music to his day.
Robin’s hands slid down to frame his face. “I’m angry and hurt. Every day I find out something that scares me a little more and I’m alone now.”
“I’m sorry,” he muttered.
“It isn’t fair. You have no right to be the person who hurts me, and the person I want to hold me.”
“I’m the worst.”
“You are.” She sniffled, and he reached up, wiping tears from her cheeks. “So why do I want to be with you?”
“Really good dick?”
“Could you be a little serious?”
“You laughed. I cannot.”
She dropped her head to his shoulder and her body shook with quiet laughter. He didn’t fail to notice she kept holding on to him.
They lapsed into silence. He ran his fingers through her hair and continued to hold her. She didn’t make a move to pick her head up off his shoulder or push him away, so he remained there determined to soak up as much of her presence as he could.
“Harper?”
“Hm?”
“How do I know you’re telling me the truth?”
“You can’t. Not really. That’s why trust is so important.”
“So what do I do?”
He squeezed his eyes shut. “You have to decide to take a risk or not.”
“How much of it was you? The real you?”
“When it was just us? All of it.”
“I can’t tell you I love you.”
“You don’t have to. And for the record, I meant what I said.”
Her eyes widened.
“Just being honest, princess.”
“I… I want to pick up where we left off,” she said.
He squeezed her now while his insides unraveled. This was what he’d wished for but hadn’t dared hope might come to pass.
“You can’t lie to me again,” she said in a hard tone.
“Okay,” he said without hesitation.
As far as Harper was concerned, he could spend the rest of his life proving himself and that would be just fine.
“They might put me in protective custody, though. I don’t know what that means.”
“I know some people. I can pull strings.” Besides, if she really was going to be of interest to those after Daar, it would be better to keep Robin close.
She slid her hand up and down his cheek. The stubble he hadn’t bothered to shave this morning rasped against her smooth skin.
What was she thinking? Did she mean it? Would she take a chance on him?
“I love you, Robin,” he whispered because he wanted to.
She squeezed her eyes shut.
“I mean it. I’ll show you and say it until you believe me,” he said.
Her body shook, and she buried her face in the crook of his neck.
Harper hugged her closer still and carried her across to the sofa against the wall. He sat with her in his arms and wished he could fix the damage he’d done.
Robin lifted her head and tugged on his hair, bringing his face to hers. She kissed him briefly then sat back to study his face.
There were dark circles under her eyes. Her normally smooth skin was blotchy. It was clear to him she wasn’t taking care of herself and the stress was getting to her. She was looking after everyone and everything except herself.
Well, now that would be his job.
He’d do whatever it took to wipe that sad expression off her face.
“Was anyone else hurt?” she asked.
“No one from our side. Peter, the man who shot Jessica? He’s dead. Daar’s IT guy, Amaar, is alive and in custody. He’s not cooperating. Very hostile. Then there were the hired grunts. Three died, and a bunch were wounded. A few were in bad shape, but I haven't kept up with them. No one for you to worry about, okay?”
She nodded slowly. “Where have you been?”
“Either at a local FBI office or here.”
Her eyes widened. “Here?”
“Yeah.” He smiled though it was forced. “Jessica wanted to see me. And I might have hung out in the lobby a few times.”
“I want to trust you, but I’m afraid to, Harper.”
He slid his hands up and down her legging-clad legs. “I know.”
“You get one chance,” she said. “I’m in love with you after all of this, crazy as it sounds. Don’t make me regret that, okay?”
His breath caught in his throat. He nodded and squeezed her tight, saying a silent prayer of thanks that this story wasn’t yet done.
“No regrets,” he said and leaned in to seal the deal with a kiss.
"I need to see Jessica, but maybe we could get out of here for a little while?" Her fingers traced patterns against his chest.
"My people have a condo here in New York. We could go there? It's got a big bathroom with a soaker tub that can fit two people."
"Now you're talking my language."
He let his nose bump hers. "We could order takeout, rent a movie?"
"That sounds perfect."
The tight fist that had held onto his heart the last few days relaxed. Hope and love buoyed his spirits and it took everything in him not to whoop for joy. Robin might have lost her family, but she was about to gain his. And he didn't think she was ready for that. But he'd be with her at every turn from here on out. She was his home, his peace, and everything good in his life. He wasn't going to screw it up again.