How Much I Love by Marie Force
Chapter 13
DEE
My dad encourages us to go home since it will be a while before we know if the antibiotics are working. Maria, Nico and Milo are with us, and we can’t talk Dad into going, too, so we leave him with orders to check in later and let us know how she’s doing.
We walk out into late afternoon sunshine so bright it makes my eyes hurt after the manufactured light in the hospital.
My siblings and I are like the walking wounded as we absorb the shock of yet another crisis in our mother’s cancer journey.
“She’s going to be fine, guys,” Wyatt tells us. “Port infections are far more common than you might think. The antibiotics work most of the time. Try not to worry too much.”
I can see his words make a difference to the others, even Maria, who’s a nurse. It can be difficult for her to rely on her professional know-how when her emotions are all out of whack.
“Do you guys want to get some pizza or something?” Milo asks.
The others quickly agree with his idea, and they settle on Crust, which is close to home. I don’t want to go, but I defer to Wyatt.
“You know me, babe. I can always eat.”
“So it’s already ‘babe,’ huh?” Nico asks.
Wyatt never blinks when he says, “Yep.”
“MYOB, Nico.” I use Nona’s favorite acronym from when we were kids and constantly minding each other’s business. Some things never change.
“I’m just askin’,” Nico says with indignance.
“No worries, man.” Wyatt puts his arm around me. “I love your sister. We’re together. It’s kinda simple.”
It’s not easy to shut down Nico, but Wyatt succeeds beautifully.
Maria sends me a smug look that tells me she’s thinking the same thing I am.
We head for our cars, and Wyatt holds the passenger door for me.
As I get in, I notice that Nico is watching us, and I wonder what his problem is. Not that I plan to let him bother me. I’ve got enough on my mind without him adding to the load.
“Well done with Nico,” I tell Wyatt when we’re on our way to Little Havana.
“I was hoping you’d think so. What’s his deal, anyway?”
“Who knows? He’s always poking at someone or something. That’s how he rolls. Mostly we ignore him.”
“Siblings can be annoying that way.”
“Yep. He’s a button pusher. That’s why Nona calls him Button.”
“That’s cute.”
“He doesn’t think so, but he’d never tell her that. She’s the one person he never messes with because she could destroy him with a few sharp words. And he knows it.”
“I love that. Your grandmothers are awesome.”
“I have a third one who lives in Palm Springs—my mom’s mother. We aren’t as close to her as we are to Nona and Abuela. My mom thinks her mother is jealous because we’re close to Abuela, which is so dumb. Abuela was at every sporting event, concert and play we did as kids. We hardly saw my other grandmother, and she’s jealous? People are ridiculous.”
“They can be. That’s for sure. My grandparents were a big part of our lives growing up. My mom’s parents moved to live near us in Phoenix to take care of my brother and sister when I was in the hospital. My dad’s parents were already there.”
“They must’ve been a huge help to your parents.”
“They were for sure. But it was four more people to hover over me. Not that I don’t love them, but by the time I busted loose and moved to North Carolina, I was ready to be out from under all that parenting.”
The way he says that makes me laugh. “I can only imagine how confining that had to be.”
“It was. They were all so thankful for my return to good health, but they wanted to roll me in Bubble Wrap and keep me safe from anything and everything. I had to have a sit-down with the six of them and beg them to let me enjoy the second chance I was so lucky to get. And then I sprang it on them that I intended to go to med school in North Carolina.”
“What’d they say to that?”
“They started talking about moving there, and I threatened to ghost them.”
“They were really going to move?”
“I think they might’ve until I told them I’d never speak to them again if they did. Not to mention my siblings wouldn’t have, either. They were in high school by then, and their lives had been disrupted enough by me. Thankfully, they reconsidered that idea, but they’re still far more involved in my life than they would be if I hadn’t nearly died about six times before I was seventeen.”
“Jeez, Wyatt. Six times?”
“Yeah, that’s how many times I coded, and that was so traumatizing for them. I try to be mindful of what they went through, too. Which is my roundabout way of saying they’re going to be super pissed that I’m planning to move, and they might take that out on you.”
“Yikes.”
“I don’t want you to worry about them. They’ll come around. They always do.”
“We never even talked about me moving to Phoenix.”
“You can’t do that right now with your mom battling cancer. Not to mention this amazing job offer from your aunt and uncle.”
“I appreciate how you never even hesitated on that.”
“I understand where you need to be, and since I need to be with you, we’ll do it here. Provided I get the job, but I’ll look elsewhere in South Florida if I don’t. Something will come up.”
“Does it still seem weird to you that two days ago, you were determined to keep your distance from me, and now we’re making life plans?”
“Nope, it’s not weird at all because it’s you. Being with you feels so good, no matter what we’re doing, and now that you’ve convinced me, I need to know what it’s like to be in love. I want to feel like that for every day that I have left.”
His sweet words move me to tears. “I can’t believe everything that’s happened in one weekend. My head is spinning.”
“In a good way, I hope.”
“In the best possible way.”
“We’re going to need to find a place to live. I love Carmen and Jason’s place. What about something like that?”
“I love their place, too, but I’d rather live in a house with a yard and maybe a pool.”
“We can do that. Do you know any Realtors?”
“I’ll ask Car and Mari who they used.”
“Get whatever you want.”
“You have to give me some parameters of what you want.”
“I want to live with you. That’s my parameter.”
“It’s amazing to me that I’ll be able to buy a house with you because of my new job. On any other weekend, that’d be the lead story.”
“I’ll buy the house and put it in both our names.”
“We will buy the house.”
“Let me do this, Dee. I want to make sure you’re set up, you know, just in case.”
I ache when I think of the “just in case” scenarios, but I’m determined to take my own advice about remaining optimistic until there’s cause not to be. “It’s important to me that we do it together. I want to contribute.”
“And I want to take care of you for as long as I can and set things up, so you’re always protected and safe. You have to let me do that.”
“Since you broke all your rules for me, I suppose I can break one of mine for you.”
“Look at us compromising and everything. We’re going to be couple goals for other people.”
Laughing at that, I direct him to the parking lot for Crust. We’re the last ones to arrive, and the others already have a table. Wyatt sits between Nico and me at a circular table.
“We ordered our usual pizzas,” Milo tells us, “but we weren’t sure what Wyatt wanted.”
“I’ll just do a salad,” he says, perusing the menu.
He misses the lip curl Nico directs his way. “You’re just gonna eat salad?”
“Yeah,” Wyatt says. “Is that a problem?”
“Leave him alone, Nico. He has to watch what he eats because of his condition.”
“Oh, right. The condition that could kill him at any point.”
“Why are you being a bigger dick than usual?” Maria takes the words right out of my mouth.
“I swear to God I’m not being a dick,” Nico says. “But am I the only one who’s worried about Dee getting involved so quickly with someone who has… You know…” He rolled his hand for us to fill in the blank.
“An early expiration date?” Wyatt says.
“Wyatt, don’t.” He doesn’t have to do this again. The only opinion that matters is mine, and he already knows how I feel.
“It’s fine, hon. Your brother has concerns. I get it.”
“That’s all it is,” Nico says, softening his tone. “After what happened with Marcus, I can’t bear to see you hurt again.”
I’m appalled when my eyes fill with tears. He’s never sweet like that.
“Aw, Jesus, do not cry,” Nico says, sounding more like himself again.
“I’m not crying.”
“Liar.”
“It’s just so shocking when you’re nice to me.”
Maria and Milo crack up laughing.
“Shut up,” Nico says. “All of you.”
I dab at my eyes with a paper napkin and glance at Wyatt, who’s taking in the Giordino family shenanigans with an amused expression.
Austin arrives with Everly, and we shift the seating to make room for them.
“What’d I miss?” Austin asks after he kisses Maria and expertly buckles Everly into a wooden high chair. He pulls crayons out of Everly’s backpack and has her working on a drawing on the restaurant’s paper placemat in a matter of seconds.
I’m always impressed by what a wonderful father he is. He tends to Everly with a natural, practiced ease that’s so sweet.
“Nico was being a D-I-C-K, but then he was nice to Dee and made her cry,” Maria tells him. They have to watch everything they say around Everly. “Pretty much business as usual.”
“Sounds like it,” Austin says, smiling. “You’ll get used to them, Wyatt. After a while.”
“Good to know.”
“Why was Nico being a D this time?” Austin asks, earning a scowl from his future brother-in-law.
“I’m worried about Dee. So shoot me.”
The waitress returns with a pitcher of beer and glasses.
“Could I please get a water with lemon?” Wyatt asks.
“Make it a double,” Austin adds. “I’m driving my baby.”
“Anything in addition to the pizza?” the waitress asks.
“I’ll do the kale salad with salmon, please,” Wyatt says.
“And a kid’s cheese pizza,” Austin says.
“Coming right up.”
“Back to talking about Nico behind his back in front of his face,” Austin says, grinning at Nico.
“Here’s a big idea,” Nico says. “Let’s move on.”
“As much as I’m all for that,” Wyatt says, “we should talk about this so you can get it off your chest.”
“I’m more worried about your chest than mine,” Nico says, making us all laugh.
The laughter helps to relieve the tension.
“My chest is totally fine,” Wyatt assures him. “I get checked monthly, and I’m super vigilant between checkups. I eat healthily, work out religiously—except for this weekend when I’ve been distracted in the best possible way—and I take excellent care of myself. I think that’s why I’ve never had any issues with my new heart.”
Nico, Milo and Maria hang on his every word, and I appreciate their concern and interest in his situation.
“That doesn’t mean you’re in the clear, though, right?” Milo asks tentatively.
He’d never want anyone to think he’s a dick like Nico can be. Nico isn’t a bad guy. He just shoots from the hip sometimes, and that can be irritating to whomever he’s shooting at.
“No, it doesn’t mean that. I have no idea what to expect going forward. The life expectancy for transplant recipients is about eleven years. I’m well past that but have no reason to be concerned at the moment.”
“At the moment,” Nico says. “That’s the part that worries me.”
I glance at Wyatt. “Allow me.”
He gestures for me to have at it.
“This moment, right here, right now, is all we have, Nico. There is nothing else. Being with Wyatt makes me happier than I’ve ever been, and I already know that after just a few days, even if that might seem crazy or impulsive to you. We got to know each other really well the weekend of the wedding, and we’ve kept in touch ever since, so it’s not as fast as you think. I want more of the feeling I get when I’m with him. I want as much of that feeling as I can possibly have, and since we might be short on time, there’s none to waste. We’re grabbing this moment, the only one we have, and soaking it for as much as we can get out of it. If the worst possible thing happens, we’ll deal with that when we have to, but I refuse to waste any of the precious time we have together dreading the future. My eyes are wide open to what might happen. I’m not reckless or foolish or stupid. I’m making an informed decision with full appreciation for the possible risks. And I’ve decided Wyatt is worth any potential risk or future heartbreak.”
For a long time after my word vomit ends, no one says anything until Milo clears his throat and breaks the silence.
“That’s beautiful, Dee,” he says.
“I agree,” Austin says. “And for what it’s worth, as someone who’s dealt with a potentially fatal illness in the person I love the most, I’ll just say bravo to living to the fullest right here and now. You just never know what’s lurking around the next bend, waiting to disrupt your entire life. You guys certainly know that since your mom got sick.”
“That’s true,” Milo says, glancing at Nico.
My younger brother is a love. Whereas Nico is all sharp edges, Milo is a softie. As the youngest of the four of us, he’s always played the role of peacemaker. He can’t stand conflict and wants everyone to get along.
“I can see where you’re coming from,” Nico says tentatively as if he’s not sure he should fully speak his mind after everyone calling him a dick earlier.
“Whatever you want to say, just say it,” I tell him. “Get it out there so we can move on.”
It’s unusual for my older brother and me to talk this way, so I want to run with it while I have him.
“When everything happened with Marcus,” he says, peeling a straw and bending it around his fingers, “I wanted to kill him for doing that to you.”
I had no idea. “I’m glad you didn’t. You’d look washed-out in prison orange.”
His lips quirk with the start of a smile. “I’m serious. For him to marry someone else and not even tell you, I wanted to kill him.”
I reach over Wyatt to put my hand on Nico’s. “Thank you for caring. It means a lot.”
“Of course I care. Maybe I don’t act like it all the time—”
“Any of the time,” Maria says with a cough as the rest of us crack up.
“I care,” Nico says, his face flushing. “I never want to see any of you guys hurt the way Marcus hurt you.”
“Thank you, Nico,” I say. “I appreciate that.”
“While we’re having this come-to-Jesus conversation,” Maria says, “what’re you up to with Sofia at the restaurant?”
He recoils from the question. “I’m not up to anything. What does that even mean?”
“You know what I’m talking about, so don’t play dumb with me.”
I’ve never in my life seen Nico squirm the way he does under the heat of Maria’s intense glare.
“I’m honestly not ‘up to’ anything,” Nico says after a long pause. “We’re friends. That’s all it is.”
“She means a lot to everyone,” Maria tells him. “Abuela and Nona would castrate you if you ever did anything to hurt her.”
“For Christ’s sake, Maria. Why would I want to hurt her?”
“Oh, I don’t know.” My sister can be ruthless when she wants to be, and I love that about her. “Maybe you’re just looking to get lucky and move on, and if that’s the case, find someone else to mess around with.”
“Ease up, will you? We’re just friends. Don’t make it into anything more than that.”
“As long as you don’t, we’re all good,” Maria says.
Nico is saved from further inquisition when the food arrives, but I’m glad Maria put him on notice.
“We need a toast to Dee,” Maria says, smiling. “The new general manager at Giordino’s!”
“Shut up,” Milo says, grinning. “Is that what V and V were talking to you about after brunch?”
“How do you know that when you weren’t even there?”
Milo gives me a withering look. “We got a full report from Aunt Francesca.”
“I still can’t believe they asked me. They said Mommy’s illness has been a wake-up call for them, and they want to take some time for fun before they’re too old to enjoy all their hard work.”
“That’s great for them and you,” Nico says. “Congrats.”
“Thanks. I’m excited about it—and nervous. But Uncle V promised he’d teach me everything I need to know, and as he said, he’s not going anywhere that I can’t reach him if I need him.”
“You’ll be great,” Austin says. “Congratulations.”
Their excitement and encouragement mean everything to me. “Thanks, everyone.”
“So this situation with Mommy,” Milo says tentatively. “How worried do we need to be?” He addresses the question to Maria and Wyatt.
“It looks like just an infection,” Maria says.
“And that can happen with chemo ports,” Wyatt adds. “It’s not uncommon. How long ago did she have scans?”
“A month,” I tell him, “and they were clear.”
“That’s the most important thing,” he says. “Try not to panic. There’ll be setbacks and a few steps forward, followed by a few steps backward. It’s always like that with these sorts of illnesses.”
“Was it like that for you?” Maria asks.
“Hell yes. One month I’d be feeling good and thinking I turned a corner, and the next month, I’d be back in the hospital fighting for my life again. It was a total roller coaster until I had the transplant.”
“And you immediately felt better?” Milo asks.
“I felt reborn. Your mom is doing great. This is a setback, but she’s heading in the right direction with clear scans. That’s the most important thing.”
Nico insists on picking up the check, probably to prove he’s not a dick, and we say our goodbyes in the parking lot. Maria promises to check in with my dad and then update us on our mother’s condition to keep from overwhelming him with texts.
She gives me an extra-tight hug. “I love Wyatt,” she whispers in my ear.
“I do, too.”
“I’m so happy for you.”
That means everything to me, and she knows it.
As Wyatt drives us back to my place, I feel content in a way that I haven’t in a very long time. I’m worried about my mom but comforted by what Wyatt said about setbacks being common when fighting major illness.
I look over at him, drinking in the sight of him while I still can. I hate that he’s leaving tomorrow. “Thanks for being so great with them. It helped them to hear that setbacks are common. It helped me to hear that.”
“I’m glad it helped. The setbacks can be scary for the families. I get that.”
When we get back to my place, he asks if he can borrow my iron. I find one that some previous tenant left under the kitchen sink and set it up for him. While he irons his shirt for the interview tomorrow, I check my texts and find one from my cousin Domenic.
Hey, cuz, I hope things are good there, and Aunt Elena is doing ok. I found a new permanent roommate and wondered if it’s okay for me to pack up your stuff and ship it home. I figured with everything you’ve got going on, that would save you a trip to NYC. Let me know—and I’ll ask Tori to pack your underwear drawer. Ewwww.
I laugh as I respond to him. He’s been dating Tori for a while but refuses to call her an actual girlfriend. That’d be AWESOME. Just let me know what I owe you for boxes and shipping. I’ll Venmo you. My mom is doing ok. She had a minor setback with an infection in her port, so she’s in the hospital. We’re told it’s nothing to worry about, but that’s easier said than done. Also, LOL about the underwear drawer. Tell Tori thanks for me. How’s it going with her, anyway?
It’s good. We’re having fun. Not sure she’s THE ONE, but I guess we’ll see. I’ll get your stuff packed up this week. Sorry to hear about Aunt Elena—keep me posted on that. I heard some interesting stuff about you. What gives with the doctor with the bad heart?
I look over at Wyatt, who’s concentrating on what he’s doing. How is he adorable even when ironing? His heart is just fine—it’s just not the one he was born with. He’s my ONE.
Shut up! Seriously?
Very.
That’s awesome, D. I’m so happy for you. Can’t wait to meet him.
I can’t wait, either. When are you coming home again?
Maybe next month. We’ll see. What else is new in Miami?
You won’t believe it. Uncle V and Aunt V asked me to be the GM of the restaurant. They’re ready to start working less and wanted someone they trust to run the business.
That’s AMAZING, D. You’ll be great at it.
I hope so. It’s super exciting. Thanks again for packing me up. That’s a massive load off my mind.
Happy to help you out. I’ll let you know when it’s on the way.
Thanks, Dom.
“Well, that’s a huge relief,” I say to Wyatt.
“What is?”
“My cousin Domenic, who was my roommate in New York, is going to pack up my stuff and ship it for me. That saves me a trip to the city.”
“That’s great. How’s he related to you?”
“He’s my dad’s sister Francesca’s son. She and her husband, Domenic Senior, own this place.”
“I’m going to need a map of your family.”
“I can draw you a picture.”
He comes to me and slips his arms around me. “That’d help.” He gazes down at me for a long moment before he kisses me softly. “Today was great. I loved every minute with you and your incredible family.”
I smile up at him. “Even when we were telling Nico what a dick he is?”
“That was particularly entertaining. I admire the way you guys just put it out there.”
“We don’t usually do that, so it was interesting to see him on defense. Usually, he’s on offense, as in being as offensive as possible. But he has a good heart. He’s been amazing to our parents since my mom got sick. He’s really stepped up. We all have, but I wouldn’t have expected what we’ve gotten from him. It’s good to know he’s capable.”
“For sure.” He brushes aside my hair so he can kiss my neck. “And what you said about me and us…”
It’s all I can do to remain standing because his kisses have made my knees weak. “You liked that, did you?”
“Mmm, I loved it. I can’t begin to tell you what these last few days have meant to me and how humbled I am that a beautiful woman like you would go all-in with me, even knowing what might be ahead.”
“I’ve never felt this way before, and it’s freeing to know we might have a time limit because it cuts out all the usual nonsense that people go through before they get to the heart of the matter.”
“And what is the heart of this matter?”
“I love you. I love being with you. I want to be with you as much as I can for as long as I can.”
“That makes me feel like the luckiest guy who ever lived because I love you, too. I love everything about you. I love the way your hair is so shiny and has red highlights in the sun. I love the way your gorgeous brown eyes give away everything you feel and how easily you tear up.”
I laugh as my eyes flood with tears brought on by his sweet words.
“I love watching you with your family, the way you fit in with them so perfectly, the way you love them and how they love you. You make me want to be part of them.” He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear. “I love how you are with Maria and Carmen. The bond between the three of you is so adorable. And more than anything, I love the way you make me feel truly optimistic about the future in a way I’ve never been before.”
With my arms wrapped around his neck, I draw him into a deep, sensual kiss that’s somehow more than anything I’ve experienced so far with him. Sharing our feelings has turned up the intensity, and I can tell how he responds that he feels it as much as I do. And then he’s walking me backward toward my room, without missing a beat in the kiss of all kisses.
I’m not sure which one of us is more eager to get the other naked, but the competition is fierce and funny when his shirt gets stuck on his head. Laughing, he pulls it off and then goes to work on my bra, which he removes with breathtaking speed.
“You’re very good at that.”
He cradles my bare breasts in his hands as he looks at me with fire in his gorgeous eyes. “I did a lot of practicing for the main event.” Easing me onto the bed, he follows, hovering over me, propped on one arm while he caresses my breast with his free hand. “It was all leading to you.”
I want him so badly. I want everything I can have with him, and I want it right now. When I reach for him, he comes down on top of me, kissing me again with the same desperation as before. I wrap my arms and legs around him, wanting him more than I knew it was possible to want anyone. After so many years in a relationship, I thought I understood love and sex and desire, but I knew nothing until I loved Wyatt.
He fills me so completely, so perfectly, that I’m on the verge of release before he’s begun to move. Every part of me tingles with awareness and a desperate kind of need that’s all new to me.
This is love. This is what I want and need, and there’s nothing I won’t do to hold on to him for as long as I possibly can.
