How Much I Love by Marie Force
Chapter 14
MARCUS
Dr. Stern’s unblinking stare puts me on notice that she’s not here for my bullshit. “How’re you feeling?”
“Much better.” Detox was a bitch. I’ve never been sicker in my life.
“And you’re settling in well here?”
“So far, so good.” The rehab facility is better than expected, not that I had any idea of what to expect.
“And you’re going to the group sessions every day?”
“That’s a requirement.”
“Are you participating?”
“I haven’t said much yet, but I’m listening.”
“That’s a good place to start. Are you hearing stories that sound familiar to yours?”
“Yeah, for sure.”
“People in recovery find comfort in knowing they’re not alone. My patients often tell me that the fellowship element of AA is one of the best parts for them. They find people who get it, who understand the struggles and how difficult it can be to stay sober.”
“I can see how that would be helpful.”
“What’ve you been thinking about since you’ve been here?” Dr. Stern asks.
“I’ve been thinking about Dee. I can’t wait to see her and have the chance to apologize and explain to her about what happened.”
“What would you say to her if she were here?”
“I’d tell her how sorry I am for everything that happened, that I wasn’t thinking clearly when I was drinking, and I never stopped loving her.”
“Let’s play out that conversation, shall we? I’ll pretend to be her.”
I’m not at all sure how I feel about that, but if it kills the time I’m required to spend with the good doctor, then so be it. “Sure.”
“If I were Dee, I’d say this apology was a long time coming, like more than a year after you married another woman while we were in a relationship. I’d ask where you were for all that time you were married while supposedly feeling bad about what you did to me. How would you respond?”
I swallow the huge lump in my throat that forms anytime I think about the pain I inflicted on the person I love the most. “I’d say again how sorry I am for everything that happened, that I never intended to hurt her or to go so long without trying to make things right with her. I’d tell her I was sick over what I did, so sick I could barely function.”
“But you managed to function well enough to stay married for most of a year to a woman you say you married by mistake.”
“It was a mistake! The whole thing was a gigantic fucking mistake! The only one I ever wanted to be married to was Dee.” I’m appalled when tears flood my eyes. I brush them away with the back of my hand, mortified to break down in front of the doctor. But she’s probably used to it.
“Why did you stay married for so long if it was a mistake, Marcus? Why not immediately request an annulment or a divorce or whatever it would take to end a marriage you never intended to have?”
“I was so, so messed up. Ana tried to help me, and I was afraid to face Dee after she found out what I did. I know it was cowardly, but I couldn’t bear to face her knowing I hurt her that way.”
“So instead, you let it fester for a whole year, during which time Dee presumably picked up the pieces of the life she thought she was going to have with you and figured out a new plan for herself. Is that right?”
I have no idea what to say to that.
“A year is a long time to let something like that go without a single word from you. If I’m Dee, I’m thinking, well, if he didn’t care enough even to try to make things right with me for the entire year after he married someone else—and stayed married to her—I guess it’s safe to assume it’s over with him, and I need to move on.”
Is she trying to piss me off, or does it just seem that way? “It’s not safe to assume that.”
“Marcus, I want you to listen to me. Really listen. Can you do that?”
“Isn’t that what I’m doing here?”
“I need you to hear me when I tell you Dee isn’t coming back. There’s nothing you can say or do at this point to fix what you broke with her. Do you understand that?”
“You don’t know how we were together for years.”
“No, I don’t, but as a woman myself, I can tell you that if the man I’d been with for years up and married someone else without so much as a word to me before or after, I wouldn’t have much to say to him more than a year later. I think it’s also pretty safe to assume that all the people who love me would put up a wall so big and so tall that that man would never be able to get near me again. I assume Dee has friends and family who love her.”
Her family is fantastic, and I miss them almost as much as I miss her. I give a quick nod to answer the doctor’s question. She’s right about Dee’s family and friends. Carmen and Maria alone must want to stab me through the heart, not to mention what Abuela, Nona, Nico, Milo and Dee’s parents, aunts, uncles and cousins must think of me.
“They won’t let you get anywhere near her. You have to know that.”
“If I don’t have the possibility of reconciling with Dee to look forward to, then why am I even here? Why am I bothering with rehab? What does it matter?”
“Don’t do that. Don’t tell yourself there’s no point to all this unless Dee is part of the equation.”
“Well, there isn’t. She’s the only reason I’m here.”
“That can’t be the reason. You have to do this for yourself, first and foremost. You have to want to get better, restore your health and fight your addiction. That has to be the primary reason, or all this will be for nothing.”
“It’s for nothing if I have no chance to reconcile with Dee when it’s over.”
“Marcus, you have no chance of reconciling with Dee.”
“How can you know that for sure? Have you talked to her or something?”
“No, I haven’t talked to her, but I don’t need to talk to her to know for certain there’s almost zero chance she’s going to suddenly decide to forgive you for marrying another woman and take you back as if nothing ever happened.”
I honestly can’t bear to hear that. The doctor’s words extinguish the tiny flame of hope burning inside me that’s been keeping me going over the last few horrific days.
“Imagine she’d been the one to marry someone in New York. Imagine you’d been with her just a few weeks earlier when suddenly word starts to reach you, through other people, that Dee had gotten married. What do you suppose that would’ve been like for you to hear it that way?”
“It would’ve sucked.”
“And then imagine you didn’t hear anything from her at all for a year after she married this other guy you had no idea she even knew. Imagine having to picture her living with him and sleeping with him when you still hadn’t heard a word from her directly.”
While she takes a breath, I try to tamp down the rage I feel at this scenario she’s painting for me.
“And then, after a full year with no contact whatsoever with her, you hear—again through the grapevine—that she’s left that guy, and all she wants is another shot with you. What do you think you’d say to her at that point?”
I hate to admit the situation looks different to me when she spins it that way.
Dr. Stern leans toward me, her expression earnest. “There are some things that can never be fixed, no matter how much we might wish otherwise. Some hurts can never be undone or overcome, no matter what we say or do to make amends. The cuts are too deep ever to heal properly.”
This isn’t at all what I want to hear. Knowing I don’t stand a chance to fix things with Dee makes me feel hopeless about the future. “So what do I do now if you’re telling me there’s no chance I can ever make things right with her?”
“You have to make things right with yourself. You can’t do it for Dee or anyone other than you.”
Despite the doctor’s dire commentary, I refuse to believe I have no chance to put things back together with Dee. I cling to that possibility. It might be the only thing keeping me alive. But if I tell the doctor that, she’ll flip the panic switch and declare me suicidal when I’m not. I’m determined. When I get out of here, I’ll find Dee, and I’ll tell her the truth about what happened. Hopefully, I’ll make her see that I made a huge mistake because I was in the grips of an addiction I’d yet to realize or accept fully.
Until Dee looks me in the eye and tells me there’s no chance for us, I won’t give up on her.
“Do you understand what you need to do, Marcus? How you need to put yourself first in your recovery?”
“I understand.”
