How Much I Love by Marie Force
Chapter 21
DEE
Ibarely sleep that night. I’m a wreck after the last few hours and fearful that everything has changed between Wyatt and me—and not for the better. He tosses and turns, too, and has dark circles under his eyes when he comes to kiss me goodbye before he leaves for his second-to-last day at work in Phoenix.
“Should I… um, keep packing?” What was definite only yesterday has now been thrown into complete uncertainty.
“Yeah, I mean, I quit my job here. Miami-Dade is expecting me the week after next. We made an offer on the house in Miami. This place is going on the market this weekend. It’s all in motion.”
Everything else is in motion except our relationship, which hit a major roadblock last night.
“We’ll talk tonight,” he says, kissing me again. “We’ll figure this out. I promise. I wish I didn’t have to go, but I’ve got back-to-back surgeries today.”
“I know.”
“I love you, Dee. No matter what you’re thinking or feeling, please remember that.”
“I love you, too.”
“As long as we have that, the rest will fall into place. I believe that, and you should, too.”
I can tell he honestly doesn’t want to leave me but pulls himself away to go to work. After I hear the door close downstairs, I reach for my phone to call my sister. She’s at work by now, but she’ll take the call if she can.
The call goes to voice mail, and I leave a message asking her to call me when she can.
I bring the phone with me when I go to shower and then downstairs to make coffee. I feel awful, almost as bad as I did when I found out Marcus married a stranger. The sick feeling, aching eyes and pervasive hopelessness are far too reminiscent of that awful time in my life.
I never wanted to feel like that again, and here I am. Even in the short time I’ve been with Wyatt, I already know he’s way better for me than Marcus ever was, but I’m discovering that heartache feels the same no matter who causes it.
Maria calls me back an hour later, when I’m in Wyatt’s room, putting the last of his clothes into boxes.
“Hey,” she says when I take the call. “How’s it going?”
“It was going great until last night.”
“What happened?”
“Do you have a minute?”
“I have thirty minutes. It’s lunchtime here.”
“Oh good. I might need all those minutes. Wyatt took me to meet his parents last night, and they were super chilly to me. He says it’s got nothing to do with me. They’re pissed he’s moving. But it sure felt personal to me.”
“Yikes, I’ll bet it did.”
“I was so uncomfortable the whole time. I felt like they were blaming me for his decision to move or something. I don’t know. It was just so screwed up.”
“I’m sorry that happened.”
“Me, too, and that’s not even the worst part. Wyatt took me up to the bedroom that’d been his growing up and was showing me some of the stuff he kept for future nieces and nephews. When I asked him what about his kids, he gave me a blank look and said he’s not having kids of his own and figured I knew that.”
“Oh shit,” Maria says on a long exhale. “What did you say?”
“I was so shocked to hear him say that I didn’t know what to do. I threw up in the bathroom.”
“Ah, Dee.”
“I know. It was awful. Later, when we were back at Wyatt’s place, he told me he doesn’t want to bring kids into the world, knowing he might not be there to raise them. He doesn’t think that’s fair to them or me.”
“I can sorta see where he’s coming from. Can you?”
“Of course I can, and I blame myself for not bringing this up with him sooner. I made the mistake of assuming all in meant all in. He also told me how he couldn’t get life insurance because of his condition, so he wouldn’t be able to leave me with a financial cushion if the worst should happen.”
“Those are very valid concerns, Dee. Raising kids is expensive, and if you were doing it on your own, it’d be tough.”
“I know.”
“No, you don’t know. Neither of us can know the truth of it. We think we know, but the reality is probably far more difficult than it seems from the outside looking in. He’s protecting you. You have to see that.”
“I do, but is it going to be a choice between him or having kids? Because I don’t know how I’d ever make that choice. I’ve always pictured myself with kids.”
“I know you have.”
“I love him, Mar,” I whisper. “I know it happened fast, and you guys are probably questioning my sanity, but I love him.”
“We’re not questioning your sanity. I promise we’re not. We’re concerned about you getting hurt—maybe not right now, but down the road, if the worst should happen. But anyone with two eyes can see that you two are crazy about each other.”
A tear slides down my cheek, and I brush it off. “We are. It’s the best thing to ever happen to me, and he says it is for him, too.”
“You have to ask yourself if you could ever be happy again, knowing he’s out there somewhere without you. I hate the idea of you giving up your dream to have kids, but it may come down to a choice.”
“I hate feeling as if someone punched me in the stomach.”
“I know that feeling, and it’s awful. I’m sorry that what should be such a happy time for you guys has been messed up this way.”
“Dad would tell me it’s because I didn’t do my due diligence.”
Maria laughs. “Yes, he would, but you know the important stuff about Wyatt. You know he’s a really good guy, and he’s wild about you. It made me happy to see the way he looks at you and how you glow around him. I’ve missed seeing you happy like that since it went wrong with Marcus.”
“I was so excited about everything with him, and now…”
“Now, it’s gotten real, and that happens to everyone at some point.”
“Has it happened for you with Austin?”
“The last few weeks have been kind of real, with him back to work after being home for months. I got used to having him here all the time, and now he’s gone for days at a time. We’re so lucky to have his parents helping with Everly, but I miss him so much when he’s not here.”
“It’s good to know that reality strikes for everyone, even perfect couples like you two.”
“We’re not a perfect couple,” she says, laughing. “We fight about how Austin leaves his crap all over the place and how I clog the shower drain with my hair. It drives him crazy that I’m such a neat freak. Neither of us ever wants to go to the grocery store, and we never agree on what to watch on TV. He likes horror movies. I mean, seriously? And don’t even get me started on his love of heavy metal.”
I’m truly stunned to hear they ever disagree about anything. Austin and Maria seem so in sync all the time. “I had no idea.”
“Nothing is ever perfect, Dee, but Austin is as close to perfect for me as I ever hoped to find in this lifetime. And if Wyatt is your Austin, be careful drawing lines in the sand and making ultimatums that’ll leave you miserable without him. His situation is unique, and I think he’s wise to plan for worst-case scenarios. I give him major points for being concerned about things like not having life insurance and the financial impact of him being gone and you having to raise kids on your own. Those aren’t small concerns, and you should be thankful he cares enough to worry about that stuff.”
“I’m so thankful for the way he cares about me, and I’d be miserable without him after what we’ve had so far.”
“Then find a way to make it work, even if you don’t get everything you want.”
“Not having kids is a big deal to me, Mari. I’m not sure I can do that.”
“Then maybe you can get him to compromise on having one.”
“I’d hate to have my child grow up alone, though.”
“He or she would not be alone. Your child would have Everly and the other kids Austin and I hope to have together, and Car’s kids and Nico’s and Milo’s kids someday. They’d be surrounded by surrogate siblings the same way Carmen was with us.”
“That’s true.” I release a deep sigh. “Thank you for this. It helped to talk it out with you.”
“Keep breathing and keep talking to him. I’m sure you guys can find a way to compromise. I never again want to see you hurt the way you were after Marcus, and I have a feeling if this doesn’t work out with Wyatt, it’ll be worse.”
“It would be. He’s my one. I know it.”
“Then do whatever it takes to make it work.”
“I hear you.”
“I’m here if I can help.”
“You already have. More than you know.”
“Keep me posted, okay?”
“I will. We’re supposed to leave tomorrow afternoon after the movers leave.”
“Can’t wait to have you both back in town to stay. Text me later and let me know how you are?”
“Yeah, for sure. Love you.”
“Love you, too. Hang in there.”
“I’m hanging.”
I end the call with my sister feeling a thousand times better than I did before I talked to her. She always has that effect on me. No matter what’s bothering me, talking to Maria makes it better.
For a long time after we end the call, I sit on Wyatt’s bed thinking about every minute we’ve spent together since we met at Carmen’s rehearsal. I think about the first night I spent with him and how I discovered something new and special with him.
I think about how Wyatt texted me frequently after that night, even though we both knew it couldn’t go anywhere with him in Phoenix and me in Miami. I liked that he kept in touch even after we slept together. A lot of guys would’ve moved on after getting “the milk,” as Nona would say. But not Wyatt. He liked me from the start and having sex with me only made him like me more.
I stepped wildly out of character to have that one-night stand with him in the first place, and I did that because I already knew, even then, that I could trust him. The fact that he’s Jason’s good friend helped, but it was more than that. We had a connection from the beginning, something I’ve never had with anyone else. The first time I saw him again when he came back to Miami, I knew for sure that connection was real.
Nothing has ever been more real than Wyatt has been, and I don’t want to go back to the life I was living before he was part of it. With that in mind, I download the Instacart app, create an account and order what I need to make dinner for him from a local grocery store. When he gets home tonight, we’re going to talk, and we’re going to work this out.
I’m not willing to consider any scenario that doesn’t include him right next to me where he belongs.
