Swallow Your Pride by Sarah Blue
WHITE T-SHIRTS AND RED BRAS
I don’t knowwhy I want to play with fire so bad. But I can’t help myself. It’s been a while since I’ve felt this way.
Sure my ex, Sean, made me feel special and wanted, but I’ve realized now how early on that faded out. Our relationship was over before I caught him cheating, and I should have seen the signs way before I left him. We didn’t play as much as we used to and he stopped caring for me the way he did in the beginning—in the way I’d grown accustomed to. I’m not sure if I’ll ever have the dynamic I had with Sean, and it’s a concession I could make for the right person. But there are attributes in a man that I find compelling, and that are parallel with what I want romantically and sexually.
Deep down, I know that Aiden shouldn’t be that person for me. He’s my boss, and I’ve only just met him. But have you ever just felt so alone that any smidge of affection and human connection becomes nearly polarizing? I don’t know how to explain it, but Aiden does that for me.
The way he stood up for me against Zach had my heart racing, and not to mention all the tender moments we had last night. It doesn’t help that I slept in his shirt and went to sleep smelling like his clean laundry, or that he’s buying me things. I always feel like a bitch when I say gifts are my love language, but it is, and well, Aiden is doing it subconsciously.
Maybe I should have told him not to choose the white one, but I liked him choosing for me, and he did it effortlessly.
I know I’m stirring the pot, but I don’t care. This neediness within me isn’t going to just magically solve itself. I know myself well enough, what I need to feel completely whole. I wish I was the type of woman who didn’t care about men, and could live completely independently. But, that’s not who I am and all I want is for someone to take care of me. Maybe I’m latching on to what a genuinely nice person Aiden is, but it’s all I have right now, and as pathetic as that is, I’m going to hold on to the one good thing I have.
Even if it’s only a friendship, or even just flirting. I’ll take what I can get. Any friendship, kindness, or care I can soak up right now, I’m greedily taking it.
I immediately watch Aiden’s reaction, his pupils dilating and his throat bobbing as he takes in the tight-white shirt and the red of my bra deliberately shining through. I’ve noticed him looking at my legs twice today. I know that there’s some level of attraction on his end. And maybe I’m being devious, but is it so wrong to want an attractive man to look at you like you’re the sexiest thing he’s ever seen?
“Beers?” I ask as he blinks up at me.
“Uh, yeah. What do you like?” He glances at me one more time, and his eyes stick to my chest longer than any boss ever should. It lights a fire under me. I’ve felt hopeless and unwanted recently, and all I want is just a smidge of affection. I surely won’t deny it from this beautiful, attentive man.
“Maybe a seltzer?” He nods and we stand in line.
“What do you want on your dog?”
“Just ketchup.” He scoffs but smirks as we go up to the teller. Does he know how attractive it is that he asked me what I wanted and ordered it for me? Maybe Aiden is willing to play with fire just as much as I am.
He carries all of our food as we walk to our seats. I’m in awe at the dome top as we keep walking further and further down. When he takes a step in an aisle, we’re only four or five rows behind home plate.
“Something tells me that these are really good seats.”
“Basically the best seats you can get,” he says, sitting down. When I follow suit, he hands me my seltzer and hot dog.
“Is the cover thing on all the time?” I ask, pointing to the roof. He smirks and nods his head.
“It’s always seventy-two and sunny at Tropicana Field.” He looks around the stadium and I can’t help but feel that this place means more to him than he’s letting on.
He drinks his beer and eats his hotdog. “So where is everyone else in the office sitting?” I ask, and wonder if the game was paid for, why he felt he needed me to sit next to him.
“Up there,” he says, pointing to the left corner.
“Peasant section?” Aiden tilts his head back and laughs.
“I guess so, but their beer and snacks are covered. Could be worse.”
I click my tongue and take a bite and chew before speaking again. “So you’re like a cool boss.”
He shrugs, being modest. “I try. I took on a lot of responsibility the last few years when Collin got sick, and I enjoy it.”
“You’re good at it.” It’s the first time I see a blush creep on his cheeks. It’s adorable, and it makes me want to test his limits even further.
Suddenly a teenager is holding a baseball near Aiden’s face. “Mr. Carlson, would you mind signing my ball?” he asks. Aiden looks at me apologetically as he sparks a conversation with the young man. He signs his ball and shakes his hand before turning back to me.
“So… are we going to talk about that?”
“I used to play professionally.” I motion my hands for him to continue. He shifts in his seat. “I played for the Rays for ten years, hurt my hand and retired. I had money to invest, and instead of turning to partying, Collin convinced me to become a part of his business and that’s what I did.”
My mouth parts, and I look at him appreciatively. “So you weren’t kidding when you said you love sports.”
“No, I love them all, but baseball will always be number one.”
“Well, I didn’t realize I was sitting next to a true expert. You’ll have to teach me,” I say, looking up at him. His gaze travels to my mouth when the word teach escapes my lips. I involuntarily bite my bottom lip and smile at him.
“I’ll teach you whatever you want to know,” he says back and all I can think about is the lessons I’d love for him to teach me.
We’re interrupted by another one of his fans who he speaks to and signs their memorabilia. I take this time to eat my hot dog and calm my ass down. You wouldn’t think this stadium is air conditioned with how on-fucking-fire I feel right now.
I take a sip of my seltzer, making a mental note to savor the drink. No way am I going to be a mess in front of Aiden again.
“Sorry about that,” he says, turning back to me.
“Don’t be, you’ve been retired for how long now?” I ask.
“Eleven years.”
“That just goes to show what an impact you’ve had. Eleven years later and people still remember you. You should be proud of that.”
He scrubs his chin, and I can hear the scratchy texture of his nails against his face. I like his facial hair a little grown out, I realize. “I guess.”
“You’re a great boss, you own a company, and you had a successful athletic career. You have a lot to be proud of, Aiden.” His pupils dilate at my pride over his accomplishments, and it makes me wonder if no one tells him how great he is. Maybe I should do that more, he seems to like it, and it’s deserved.
His face is so close to mine, and all it would take is me shifting my body weight closer and we would be touching. I want it, but I’m not sure if Aiden does. Even if he’s attracted to me, starting an office romance or fling isn’t something to take lightly. But the more time I spend in his orbit, the more I learn about him, the more I want.
Wanting something is dangerous, it sets you up to be disappointed, but I can’t help but feel like Aiden would be far from disappointing.
The game starts, breaking our eye contact, and I turn to watch. Asking Aiden questions here and there. He answers me in a calm tone and doesn’t treat me like an idiot.
“So wait, if they get hit with a ball they just get to go to first base?” Aiden nods his head. “I guess that makes sense?” He laughs and some man is screaming about ice cold beer down the steps. Aiden holds up his hand and gets his attention.
“Need anything?” he asks, his face close to mine.
I blink rapidly and shake my head.
Suddenly, the people in the seats around us are shouting and the woman next to me forces me to break eye contact with Aiden. She taps my shoulder and points at the big screen. I see Aiden and me, we’re inside a heart and in pink bubble letters are the words ‘Kiss Cam.’
“Oh,” I say looking back at Aiden.
“They will just go to the next person, don’t worry about it.” I nod at him, but wish desperately that he would. Of course, I look back at the screen and now it’s announcing that he’s a retired player and everyone around us is screaming for us to kiss.
If it was just us? If our co-workers weren’t at the stadium too, I might just go for it. But I can still be a little bold, I decide.
I lean forward and place a kiss on his prickly cheek. His eyes are wide as he looks at me while I back away. There’s a mix of boos and claps around us. I guess they were hoping for more action than that. I don’t blame them, I’m just as disappointed. I sit back down, knowing that my cheeks are pink, but I don’t back down looking at Aiden.
I’m not sure I expect a scolding, or something, but he just looks at me. That is until the beer guy comes up and Aiden asks me again if I want anything, which I shake my head no to.
Did I just fuck this all up?
Have I been reading him wrong, is he truly just kind and giving? I swear it felt like he was flirting with me, and the way he looks at me screams that he’s attracted to me.
“Good call, with the office here,” he says, and I take a drink and nod my head. Just like that the conversation is over.
The rest of the game feels like I’m walking on eggshells. Do I just play it off? It was just a kiss on the cheek; Europeans do that shit to complete strangers. Or do I own up to the fact that there’s something here. Something I want to put my finger on, maybe I really need to tamper down this crush and find a different outlet.
When I was with Sean, we would go to a club in DC every now and then. It was invite only, but people came solo all the time, people like me who need an outlet. Maybe there’s something like that here. A place where I can get what I need, and try to not maul my boss in the process.
“You good?” Aiden asks, interrupting my thoughts.
“Yes,” I reply, smiling at him. “Thanks again for the seats. It’s been special, even more so knowing you played on that field.” He nods and drops the conversation there.
I definitely misread the signals—someone shoot me.
I see a few girls with their faces painted, and I look around. Maybe it’s stupid, but it looks adorable, and I want a fucking glittery butterfly on my face.
A woman sits three people down, and I have to stretch over Aiden to touch her arm. “Sorry to bother you, but where did you get your face painted?”
She smiles. “Just two sections over, I guess it’s for kids’ day.”
“Do you mind if I go?” I ask Aiden. He shakes his head no and stands up.
“I’ll go with you.”
“Oh, you don’t have to come with me.” He gives me a stern look, and I shrug my shoulders and we walk in silence to the face painter. It’s all kids in line and my full-grown-adult-ass. I can’t help but to fidget with my shirt. “We don’t have to wait in line.”
“Jessa?” he says.
“Yeah?”
“Get your face painted.”
“Okay,” I say, looking up at him. He doesn’t complain as we wait. The woman doing the face painting smiles at me and pats the chair.
“What can I do for you, sweetheart?”
“Maybe some butterflies?” I ask and she nods. Picking up her paint brush, I close my eyes as she works. And even though my eyes are closed, I can feel Aiden staring at me. I just can’t discern if it’s in embarrassment, affection, or confusion. I really shouldn’t have kissed his cheek. This is what I get for being bold.
I just… need direction.
I sigh as the face painter finishes up. I blink my eyes open as Aiden looks at me. “Pretty,” he says with a smile. We’re definitely back to square one, where I feel confused about how Aiden Carlson feels about me.