Between Never and Forever by Brit Benson
14
“What time doyou have to leave tomorrow?”
I try to hide the sadness I feel at losing him. I don’t want him to go. I want there to be a next time, and I don’t want to have to wait three more years for it. He’s quiet for long enough that I think he’s fallen asleep, but then he tightens his arms around me and speaks into my hair.
“Our flight leaves at four.”
“Oh. At least you don’t have to be up too early.”
I make myself smile so maybe he won’t be able to hear how badly this hurts. I force a laugh.
“I gave you a pretty decent goodbye gift, yeah?”
He doesn’t laugh at my joke. Doesn’t call me a brat or get patronizing with me. Instead, he puts his arm on my shoulder and turns me so we’re facing each other. He takes his hand and wraps it around my neck, so his thumb is brushing lightly over my jaw, and his brown eyes lock onto mine as he speaks.
“I don’t want this to be goodbye,” he says clearly.
My chest tightens, but I don’t let myself get excited. I keep cool and smile.
“Yeah. Of course. We can keep in touch.”
“No, Sav. I don’t want to just keep in touch. I want to be together.”
Butterflies swarm my belly as his words sink in. Together. He wants to be together. Excitement and uncertainty battle inside my head.
“Like, you want to, what, date me? Be my boyfriend?”
I raise an eyebrow and purse my lips. He gives me a lop-sided grin in response.
“Yeah, I guess. I want to talk to you every day. I want to see you as much as possible. I definitely want to do this again—” he gestures to our naked bodies “—so yeah, I want to date you. I want to be your boyfriend.”
I don’t even bother trying to fight my smile. I just let it take over my face and giggle when he does the same.
“But how? You’re in North Carolina, and I’m here.”
“We’ll make it work. We can talk on the phone, and I can come visit and you can come visit. We can do it. We’ll just be one of those long-distance couples.”
He looks so hopeful and excited, and I feel the same. I’m two seconds away from agreeing when I remember how hectic and unpredictable my next three months will be. I groan.
“Shit. Tour.”
“Tour?”
“Yeah, we’re going on tour,” I say tentatively. I’m excited, but I’m terrified this will ruin everything. “We leave next week, actually. Three months up the coast and ending in NYC. Playing dive bars, probably, but it’s something.”
Instead of getting angry or telling me he’s changed his mind about dating me, Levi just looks at me. He bounces his eyes between mine, drops his gaze to my lips, then back, and his brow furrows.
“Is Sean going? Torren?”
My spine goes ramrod straight and I grit my teeth, but I don’t back down. I should have expected this.
“Yes.”
“Savannah—”
“Don’t,” I cut him off. “Whatever you’re going to warn me of or scold me for, just don’t. I already know.” I close my eyes and breathe through my nose. “I talked to Torren. Things aren’t fixed by any means, but I talked to him. I’ll talk to Sean. Jonah kicked his ass. Mabel’s on my side—”
“So then find a new fucking keyboard player and bassist.”
“I can’t just replace half the band,” I snap. “Torren and Sean are the ones with the connection to this guy with the money who is funding our tour.”
He sits up abruptly and rakes his hands through his hair. I feel cold without him beside me, even though it’s 80 degrees outside. I sit up and drape the bedsheet over my shoulders. Levi shakes his head and hits me with an exasperated glare.
“That’s bullshit, Sav. You’re the talent. You’re the one people will pay to see. No one gives two shits about who’s standing behind you.”
“Yes, they do. The guy with the money does. And that’s the only person whose opinion matters right now.”
He stares at me, and I stare back, neither of us willing to back down. When he opens his mouth to argue, I press my fingers to his lips, silencing him.
“This could be the break I need, Levi. This tour is going to change everything. I can feel it. I can taste it, even. Is it ideal? No. But it never fucking will be ideal. Nothing ever is for me. Fuck, man, I had to pickpocket and busk just to get out of a house where I was abused. Then I had to leave Nashville because fucking Oscar kept trying to get handsy with me. Nothing ever works out for me, Levi. Ever. But I think this might. So just...can’t you just be happy for me? Please? I need you to be happy for me.”
We stay silent a moment longer. His eyes stay hard, and his eyebrows stay harshly slanted, but he nods and presses a kiss to my fingers. He reaches up and grips my wrist lightly and brings my hand to his chest.
“I am happy for you. I’m so damn proud I could burst, and I would never want to hold you back from something like this. I hate that you have to do this with that skeezy asshole, but I’m happy for you. You’re seriously so damn talented, and I’m going to be at every show I can be. I’ll even pretend to be your roadie if you want me to.”
“Really?”
He chuckles and takes my lips in a kiss that makes my toes curl.
“Really. Maybe...” he breaks off, then purses his lips.
“Maybe what?” When he doesn’t answer, just smirks a little, I give him a shove. “Maybe what?”
“Maybe, after my semester is out for the summer, I can join you...”
“Join me on tour?” My excitement is through the roof. I can’t hide it. I’m vibrating with it. “You want to join me on tour for the summer?”
“If you think you and your band will be okay with it, yeah. But if you think I’d be—”
“No! I mean yes,” I cut him off with a laugh, tackling him into a hug so we’re falling back down on my mattress. “I think it would be great. I don’t think they’d mind at all. A free roadie? They’ll love it.”
He rolls his eyes, but his smile matches mine, and I’m so stupidly giddy. I don’t know the last time I was this excited. I wasn’t even this excited last night when we found out about the tour.
“So, you still want to date me, then?” I ask, giving his shoulder a nudge.
He laughs again, does that exasperated sigh thing he does when he thinks I’m being ridiculous, then kisses me once more.
“Will you be my girlfriend, Savannah Shaw?”
I bring my finger to my chin and tap, pretending to think it over, and he squeezes my side, making me giggle.
“Okay, okay. Yes,” I say through laughs. “Yes, I will be your girlfriend, Levi Cooper.”
Sometime before noon, Levi wakes me with soft kisses pressed to my chest and neck. I roll to him and wrap my arms and legs around his body, and he laughs.
“I don’t remember you being this clingy,” he jokes, hugging me tightly.
“It’s the sex. I’m a changed woman.”
Levi smirks and kisses my lips.
“Is it okay if I use your shower? My phone is blowing up. I overslept and have to meet the guys. Grab my stuff from the hotel and head to the airport. Checkout is in an hour.”
My stomach sinks, and I can’t hide my disappointment. I was hoping to spend more time with him today, but we slept too late. I was also thinking I’d get to meet his friends...but I guess there’s always next time.
“Yeah, okay.” I force a smile. “There are towels in the cabinet under the sink.”
“Hey.” He kisses my nose. “Don’t be sad, okay? This isn’t goodbye this time. I’m going to see you soon. Let me know your tour schedule, and I’ll find out which shows I can come to, and then in like two months, I’ll be yours for the whole summer.”
This time, my smile is real, my heart racing happily once more. Two days ago, I never would have guessed I’d end up naked in a bed with Levi Cooper.
Levi Cooper who is now my boyfriend.
“What are you grinning about?”
I shrug. “I just never thought I’d lose my virginity to such a huge weenie.”
I widen my eyes for emphasis, and he groans, grabbing a pillow and shoving it onto my face. I’m gasping with laughter as he climbs off my bed, lips twitching from the force of the smile he’s trying to hide. He snatches his boxer briefs from the floor and steps into them.
“You’re a brat.”
I don’t respond. I just watch with a dopey smile, and when he dips out the door to head to the bathroom, I drop my head back onto the pillow and squeal.
This was definitely unexpected.
I’m trying like hell to turn off the doom and gloom mindset that keeps circling my brain, but it’s hard when good shit never stays good for long.
When the shower kicks on, I roll off my mattress and open my “dresser,” digging through it for clothes. I throw on some underwear, jean cutoffs, and a t-shirt, then toss my hair into a ponytail. I need to head into the club today and let Mack know about the tour. See if she’ll let me pick up a few more shifts this week before we leave.
I’m putting on eyeliner when an incessant buzzing comes from the floor by my bed where Levi’s shorts still lie discarded from last night. It must be his phone. He did say the guys were blowing him up.
I go back to finishing my other eye when the buzzing starts again. I glance at the shorts, then at my door. The shower is still on, and my curiosity is getting the better of me.
I walk to my mattress and sit down, then reach for Levi’s shorts. The buzzing has stopped by the time I pull the phone out of his pocket. It’s on 10% battery, and it’s locked in that annoying way that doesn’t preview what calls and texts you get. I tap the screen and the passcode prompter comes up.
I’m debating trying to break into it when the phone buzzes again, and my restraint snaps.
It’s only four digits.
I try 1-3-1-6 first and smirk to myself, but it’s not the winner. I didn’t actually expect John 3:16 to be his passcode, but how hilarious would it be if it was? I’d never shut up about it.
I think for a minute, then punch in his birth date.
Bingo.
What a square. I broke into his phone in two tries. Doesn’t he know you’re not supposed to use your birthday? I snicker as I pull up his contacts and put my phone number in. I save it under Sexy Girlfriend, then snap a selfie to save as my contact.
Then, because apparently, I’m one of those nosy girlfriends, I open his messaging apps.
The first thread is one titled Spring Break Boyz and there are fifty unread messages. I roll my eyes with a laugh as I open it and scroll through it. Messages from guys named Dalton, Dylan, Josh, Scott, and someone saved as B-Ramz have been blowing him up the last two days. A lot of pictures of beer and the beach. Lots of messages calling him a dick for ditching them, and him responding with middle-finger emojis.
I smile so big my cheeks hurt when I see he sent them a picture of me on stage last night. I look good, too. Quickly, I forward the picture to my phone number. The last several texts are telling Levi to hurry the hell up because he’s going to miss check out and they need to get to the airport, and him apologizing and saying he’s on the way.
It's so weird seeing this side of him. The college guy side. I feel like a wildlife photographer in some remote corner of the world researching a new species. Eighteen and nineteen-year-old frat boys are certainly an interesting bunch.
When I finish that thread, I close it out and go to the next. It’s his mom. I sneer at it. I wonder if she’s still a judgy bitch.
I open the thread and scroll. It’s just a bunch of check-ins. Mostly one- or two-word responses from Levi, assuring Mrs. Cooper that he’s alive. I snort a laugh when I get to a long paragraph she sent last week preaching to him about the importance of modesty and purity. Apparently, she was not down with the Miami trip and was worried it would corrupt him.
Too bad photos aren’t allowed in the club, because then someone could send her a video of me giving her precious angel baby a lap dance. Damn, she’d flip her top. Just the mental image has me smiling.
I close out of her thread and go to the next.
This one makes me sit up straighter. Some person named Jules.
I click open the thread without breathing, and the most recent text is from her asking Levi to call her. I check the time stamp. Friday morning. He read it but didn’t respond.
Jules
Please call me when you get a chance. It’s important.
I scroll up. Their exchanges are pretty basic. Wishing luck on exams and stuff like that. Then I get to one where Jules mentions Levi’s mom. Calls her Ms. Judy and everything. She’s on a first name basis with Levi’s mom?
I click on her contact and pull up her photo. She’s a blonde girl who looks vaguely familiar. The longer I stare, the more I think I know her. Jules. And then it clicks.
Julianna Lark.
She went to Levi’s church, I think. She was a year older than we were. She was always nice enough. Never treated me like trash like everyone else did. Never called me crack baby or sneered at me in the hallway.
But still.
Why the hell is Julianna Lark asking Levi to call her? Why the hell is she even in his phone at all?
The hairs on my arms stand up and my throat tightens. This couldn’t be the ‘one time,’ could it? Was he dating her? She’s definitely someone old mommy dearest would approve of. My jealousy spikes and I scowl at the phone.
Then I feel like an asshole.
This is so dumb. I’ve been a girlfriend for all of a few hours, and I’m already becoming a psycho. I snort. I have to check myself if I want this long-distance thing to work.
I go to close out of the phone when a new text from Jules comes in.
When do you get back to town? I need to see you, Levi. It’s important, and I think we need to talk before we go to our parents.
I can’t breathe. Something dark and slimy coils in my stomach. Something telling me that this is bad. I know it is. My instincts are never wrong when it comes to shit like this.
Before I can think better of it, I send a text as Levi.
Just tell me now.
The chat bubbles pop up, then disappear. Pop up again, then disappear again. Then she tries to call, and I silence it.
I think it’s better we talk in person
That irritates me. My temper flares hot, and my annoyance skyrockets.
No. Just text it.
More chat bubbles. Appear, disappear. Appear, disappear. And then a photo comes through. It takes me a minute to realize what it is. When it finally registers, I can’t breathe. I can’t speak. I can’t do anything except stare.
This is it, I think. This is the hidden punch. This is the joke’s on me moment. This is how the rug gets pulled out from under me.
“What are you doing?”
Levi’s voice makes me jump, heart in my throat, and when I look at him, standing in my doorway wrapped in a towel, the smile he was wearing falls right off his face.
“What’s wrong?” he says, rushing to me. “Why are you crying?”
I didn’t even realize I was crying.
“Who is Jules?”
The color drains from his face, and his eyes fall to the phone. He meets my eyes again, and I want to throw up. I don’t know if I want to sob or murder him. The sorrowful look on his face just makes it worse.
“Is she the ‘just once?’” I ask, already knowing the answer. He nods. “Did you know she was pregnant?”
I turn the phone to him, showing him the grainy ultrasound picture. His eyes fall shut, and I gasp. I can taste my tears on my lips.
“You knew? You knew, and you slept with me anyway?”
“No,” he says quickly. “I didn’t know for sure. She told me last week that she’d missed a period. Had a positive pregnancy test she got from the drug store, but those aren’t always accurate. I thought it was a false positive or something....”
I blink.
“I thought you weren’t dating anyone.”
“I’m not, I swear. I didn’t lie to you, Savannah. I slept with her one time. Once. We used a condom. I didn’t think....Fuck, I didn’t think it was anything.”
“Didn’t think, or didn’t want?”
He lifts his shoulders in a heavy shrug. “I don’t know. Both?”
A dark laugh escapes me, and I close my eyes.
“Well, sorry to tell you, but it’s definitely something.”
“This doesn’t have to change anything,” he says quickly, and my eyes fly back open. “I still want to be with you. I don’t want to be with anyone else. I don’t love her. I want you, Sav.”
The desperation on his face, the plea in his words, makes my stomach churn and the tears fall faster. My anger spikes again. At him. At Julianna Lark. At the situation. At my fucking shitty luck.
“How is this not going to change anything? She’s having your kid, Levi,” I force out through gritted teeth. “You’re going to be a father.”
Another thought pops into my head and I jerk my head back.
“She goes to your church,” I whisper, and Levi nods. “Her dad is friends with your dad. Your families are close, right?”
His eyes clamp shut. “Yeah. That’s her,” he croaks.
“They’re going to make you marry her,” I say flatly, and his eyes fly back open.
“No way, they wouldn’t.”
“They will.”
“It doesn’t matter what they want. I won’t do it.”
“She’s having your child. You are having a child with her,” I shout at him.
“I don’t care,” he shouts back. “I don’t care, Savannah. I don’t want Jules. I don’t want to marry Jules. I want you. I want only you.”
“And what about the baby, then? You can’t be traipsing around the country on your girlfriend’s shitty band tour while the mother of your child is raising your kid. You can’t do that. How would that even work?”
“She wouldn’t...I don’t think she would....”
His voice is strangled and pained, every bit a reflection of how I feel. His shoulders fall. I can actually see the defeat washing over him in the way each muscle sags and his cheeks grow wetter. And then it hits me.
“She wouldn’t have the baby yet...” I say, almost to myself. “You’d be with me on tour, and she’d just be pregnant and waiting for you when you get back in the fall?”
He doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t confirm or deny my suspicions, but I can’t stop now. Speculating. Guessing. They don’t feel like guesses, though. They feel real.
“She messaged you Friday,” I say. “She told you she missed a period. You knew she’d had a positive pregnancy test. She messaged you Friday to call her, said it was important, and you ignored her.”
“I didn’t ignore her,” he says. “I got the message when we were in the club. Right before...”
He brings his palms up, gesturing at nothing. He doesn’t have to explain. I know. I snatched his phone. He got the message right before I snatched his phone from him, then essentially kidnapped him for the weekend.
“Why didn’t you call her back, Levi?”
My voice is deathly calm. He had to have known why she wanted to talk. He’s not an idiot. He had to have known what she would say.
“Why didn’t you call her back, Levi!”
“Because I didn’t want her to ruin it,” he shouts back. “Because I was here and you were here and I’ve missed you for so fucking long, and I just—”
“You wanted to enjoy your spring break with the stripper before going back to UNC and your baby.”
“Jesus Christ, Savannah, you know that’s not true.”
“You wanted to slum it. You wanted to make plans for the summer until your baby was born, and then you’d go back home to Julianna Lark and be a daddy. You used me—”
“I didn’t.”
“You used me!”
“I didn’t! I swear I didn’t. I really, truly, didn’t think it was anything. We had sex one time. Once! I used a condom. She’s on birth control. Do you know the statistical probability of her getting pregnant? It’s just...”
He drags a hand down his face then pinches the bridge of his nose.
It’s just my shitty fucking luck.
“It’s just impossible. I thought it was nothing.”
“If you really thought it was nothing, then why were you worried she’d ruin it? Why not just call her back on Friday?”
He swallows hard, the silence screaming louder than anything he could say. He takes a deep breath, then tilts his head to the ceiling.
“I don’t know, Sav,” he whispers. “I don’t know.”
A cyclone of raging thoughts cloud my head. He wanted to slum it with me. He wanted to forget about his real life and fuck around with me before he had to go back home and face the music. Before he could go home and be a fucking father. I try to silence them, try to tell myself that this is Levi, and he would never treat me that way, but then another one comes barreling in, louder than the others.
I was going to be the homewrecker.
I was going to be my mother.
I squeeze my eyes closed and shake my head, trying to quiet the thoughts, but they won’t go away. They just get more persistent.
Levi is going to be a dad. Levi is going to have a baby with Julianna Lark. Perfect, kind, respectable Julianna Lark. Her momma works at the bank. Her daddy isn’t a drug dealer and backwater pimp. Her family is active in the church. She calls his mom Ms. Judy.
And who am I?
I am my mother’s daughter.
I’m the stripper he fucked on spring break. I’m the girl tarnishing his shiny halo. Setting fire to his perfect angel wings.
I don’t know which feelings hurt more, the inadequacy or the jealousy. The fact that it isn’t me that fate chose for him. It isn’t me the universe wants him with.
I wish it was you, he’d said.
God, I wish it was, too.
“Get out,” I whisper. I stand up and gather his clothes, then put them in his arms before repeating myself with more force. “Get out.”
“What? Savannah no, stop. This is ridiculous.” I shove at him, until he’s stumbling backward through my hallway. “Would you just stop? Let’s talk about this.”
“No amount of talking is going to change this.” My tears have stopped. I’ve willed my anger to burn through them. “Get out.”
“Stop it, Savannah. I’m not leaving you like this.”
He stands tall in the middle of my small living room. In just a towel, clothing balled in his arms. He looks furious and determined, and that just pisses me off more.
“Julianna Lark is now your priority,” I say, my voice shaking. “Julianna and whatever child she pops out. They are going to be your number one focus. She’s not just your once anymore, Levi. She’s your one. They are your one. They are where all your attention will have to go, because that baby deserves good parents Levi, and you’re going to be a good parent.”
I pause to take a breath. I’m going to start crying again.
“And that’s not even what upsets me,” I say, my voice breaking. “What upsets me is that you knew all of this. Maybe you didn’t want it to be true, maybe part of you thought it couldn’t be true, but you knew. You knew I couldn’t fit into your future, and you still let me believe we could be something. You still let me believe I could be your one.”
He doesn’t speak. He just stares, and I clench my fists.
“Tell me I’m wrong,” I rasp. “Tell me I’ll be your number one. Tell me I’m fucking wrong, Levi.”
If he tells me so, I’ll believe him.
If he says I can be a priority, if he calls me his one, I’ll be okay with not being his only. I’ll keep him in any capacity possible, if it means there will be a place for me in his world. If he tells me it can work, I won’t question it. I’ll live it.
“Tell me, Levi,” I beg. “Please.”
He doesn’t.
He doesn’t because he can’t. He knows I’m right.
I close my eyes and nod. I wipe my face, smearing my eyeliner on my cheeks. Always such a mess.
“Get out.”
I turn and walk back into my bedroom, then shut the door. I stand with my back to him, to his presence in my living room, and though there’s three inches of wood and ten feet of raggedy carpet between us, I can still feel him. His hands on my skin. His breath on my neck. Him moving inside me.
I wish it was you.
I wish it was you.
I wish it was you.
I’m never going to forget it.
I’m always going to be his, but now he has to be hers.
It fills me with so much anger that I can hardly breathe.
Girls like me don’t get guys like Levi Cooper. Girls like me get guys like Sean. Or Oscar. Girls like me get guys like Terry, just like my mother.
The Levi Coopers of the world always end up with the Julianna Larks.
I stomp to my clothing bin and flip it over, dumping out all the contents, then I dig around in the clothing pile until I find what I want. A small clutch purse. Without over thinking it, I pop it open and snag the key, then I stand and go back into the hallway.
Levi is dressed now, but he’s still standing in the middle of the living room looking lost. I bite my cheek as I stand across from him. Close enough to touch, but too far away to ever have.
“I don’t want her,” Levi whispers, his voice a broken, bleeding thing. “I never wanted her. I want you. I’ve only ever wanted you. I love you, Savannah. I don’t want Jules.”
I whimper, biting my cheek harder until I taste blood. I try to fight the tears, but I’m just not strong enough.
“Well, that’s too bad,” I say, closing the distance. “Because she’s who you get.”
“The universe isn’t done with us yet, Savannah. It can’t be. I know it.”
I stop in front of him and shrug before taking his hand.
“Maybe it’s not,” I whisper, pressing the key into his palm. “But I am.”
I don’t look him in the eyes. I can’t. Instead, I stare at his chest. I clear my throat, then speak with as much certainty as I can fake.
“I never want to see you again.”
Then I turn around and go back to my room. When I come back out an hour later, Levi is gone.