Safeword: Mayday by Candace Blevins
Chapter 27
Heather took extra time to make sure she didn’t miss anything when she shaved, and spent a little more time with the coconut oil, after.
And she thought about what she was willing to give up.
She’d rented an apartment five minutes from the airport. Other than the proximity, she wasn’t especially attached to it.
Kyle and Marcus lived fifteen minutes from the airport, so it wasn’t like she’d have a long commute, and she could still escape to the ranch if she needed a break from them. In fact, she had the funds to get started on the extra boarding rooms she wanted, and while she was at it, she could have a suite built as her own personal space, so she wouldn’t have to impose on Jonah.
She enjoyed sitting up talking with him until early morning hours, and loved waking up to his breakfasts, but they could still do that if she built her own place there.
Logically, it made sense for her to move in with Kyle, but should this decision be made based on logic? Also, would it alienate Marcus, if she moved in with Kyle?
The biggest bugaboo wasn’t so easy to resolve, though. Now, if she needed alone time, she went to her apartment to veg out. No one bothered her at home, but people would knock on the door to a suite at the ranch, if they knew she was there and they needed something. Or they’d text her and ask her to step outside. She knew this because it happened frequently when she stayed with Jonah. They saw her car and assumed she was available.
Heather’s rather large apartment had vaulted ceilings, huge windows, and a large private patio. It also included a two-car garage, which was barely big enough for her to stow her gear. Between hang-gliding, rock climbing, kayaking, camping, and everything else she did, she had a lot of gear. Kyle had a three-car garage. He parked his car in one bay, and had his workout equipment spread out in the rest of the garage. Something told her he’d happily move the equipment closer together and give her a bay for her stuff, but she couldn’t see how he could give her two full bays to cram her things into.
Then there was the problem of her being basically a messy person. She kept her gear in good shape, so her garage was in perfect order, but her apartment was a different story. She paid someone to come in and take care of her laundry as well as clean the kitchen and bathroom and do the vacuuming and dusting and everything else involved in keeping the place clean. Kyle and Marcus both lived in huge sprawling mansions. Marcus seemed to be like Heather — happy to pay someone to keep his place clean and organized. Kyle, however, was a neat freak who put things to rights the second he saw it out of order. Would she get on his nerves too bad with her lack of domestic skills?
She was nowhere near ready when she heard a knock at the door. A glance at the clock told her she was supposed to have another thirty minutes before the men arrived.
She was wearing panties and nothing else, but she didn’t bother with a robe — though she did check the peep hole first. When she saw only Kyle and Marcus, she opened the door and walked away from it, back to her bedroom.
* * * *
Kyle knew they were on treacherous ground, but this was important, so he wasn’t backing off.
He and Marcus stood just inside the doorway to her bedroom and watched her disappear into her closet.
She spoke from inside, where they couldn’t see her.
“If I’m going to consider this, I need to know that when I need some space, I can get it.”
Since Kyle had insisted he and Marcus arrive early, he explained. “I didn’t feel good about dropping you off. I know we agreed to be back in two hours, but...”
He wasn’t sure how to explain why it was so important she not be alone when she was stressed and upset.
“You didn’t want me to be alone, or you didn’t want to be away from me?” she asked.
“I felt like you were upset with me for pushing the issue.” He ran his hand through his hair. “I don’t know, maybe a little of both. It felt important you know we’re here for you, but I also needed to know you weren’t terribly mad at me. You were so quiet after you worked with that other horse — it would help if I knew what was going through your head.”
Heather came out of the closet wearing a shirt and holding her pants. “I’m frustrated, and maybe irritated, but I’m not mad at you. I needed a few hours to myself, is all. I went through my mail and scheduled bills to pay, handled some paperwork, researched a company who wants to put me on retainer as a pilot, and took a long bath.”
She’d put her pants on while she talked, and now she looked around and then back to Kyle. “I’m not terribly attached to this place, but it’s where my stuff is, and where I go when I need to regroup. Also, I have another six months on the lease. I needed to think the possibilities through on my own, without someone talking to me.”
“And you’re frustrated that we’re here early.” He glanced at Marcus, didn’t see signs that he had something to contribute, and looked back to Heather. “I’m sorry. We can leave and come back.”
“Shit Kyle, that’s not what I meant. Don’t go — I’m just irritated that you didn’t give me the time I asked for.” She looked at Marcus, “You’re just along for the ride, I take it?”
“On some of this, I’m depending on Kyle to know you better. I’m still learning what ticks you off, what makes you happy, what frustrates you, what comforts you. I knew you were conflicted when we dropped you off, and I wished we could’ve talked more before we left you alone, too. When Kyle suggested it, I wasn’t against arriving early. He didn’t have to twist my arm. Maybe Kyle and I can sit on your patio while you finish getting ready? Or sit and watch some television?”
“What, do the two of you take turns being peacemaker? I’m not high maintenance, you don’t have to tap dance around me.” She put her hands on her hips. “We’re talking about it, let’s talk.” She walked to her bathroom and motioned for them to follow her.
This wasn’t how Kyle wanted to have this conversation, but he wasn’t going to refuse to have it now that Heather finally seemed open to talking, either.
“It’ll be at least a month, possibly two before I’m ready to actually decide anything,” Heather told them. “But I’m open to talking about it now, to discuss our options. How do the two of you see this working? I have no idea how a relationship with three people will work day-to-day, and ya’ll do.” She looked at Marcus, “If I move in with Kyle, doesn’t that leave you out? You’ll be right next door, but there’d still be a yard and walls in between us. How would that work?”
Kyle looked to Marcus, who raised a brow, which let Kyle know this one was on him, so he told Heather, “For now, you’d move in with me. We know you and I are good, yes? Eventually, if things keep going so well with Marcus, and if the three of us want to be together full time, then we’d have a few options. The easiest would be for me to sell my house and the two of us move in with Marcus. His house is the biggest, and he has a dream playroom. Or, it might be better for us to both sell our houses, and the three of us find one we purchase together, with all three of our names on the title. But, in the meantime, while Marcus and I have two houses, you’d live with me, your things mostly at my house, and we’d figure out who’s sleeping where based on our schedules.”
Marcus finally spoke up to say, “You’ll have a closet at my place, and either a bathroom to call your own, or space in my master bath for your things — whichever works better for you. My housekeeper will launder whatever you leave in the hamper in your closet, and she’ll replace your toiletries and makeup before it gets too low.”
Heather finished her hair and started on her makeup. “I’m good with all of that, but like I said — nothing is going to be decided for a month or two. You should also both know I plan to make another run at Everest, which means some serious training and conditioning, as well as some time at a higher elevation in the states before I leave for Everest, which’ll likely be a three or four-month trip, probably next year.”
She glanced at them and then focused on her makeup again. “Eric’s putting another team together, and I’ve been invited. This is something I want to do, and I hope neither of you will try to hold me back.”
Kyle absolutely didn’t want her half a world away climbing a fucking mountain that people fucking died on, but he knew Heather well enough to keep silent about that. He couldn’t think of anything positive to say that was also honest, but Marcus thankfully knew what to say.
“I’ll certainly miss you, and worry about you, but I understand why this is important, and a great opportunity. I’m assuming we’ll be able to talk on a regular basis while you’re gone?”
“Yes. Phone, video chat, text, and email. Arrangements can be made to bring people with me as far as base camp, but with your schedules, I know you won’t be able to come.”
It was far enough out, Kyle could probably take three weeks off work, but he held no illusions about being able to manage an overseas flight, much less the final plane ride to Tibet. He hated that he was such a baby about flying, but rather than say something, he turned and left. He made it to the living room and didn’t know what to do, so he sat and turned the television on.
He’d wanted to talk to her about their threesome, about how they could cement their relationship, spend more time together. About taking the next steps.
And Heather’s response had been to tell them she was going to be gone for months, doing dangerous shit that might kill her so she never came home.
* * * *
Marcus had a feeling he knew why Kyle was upset, but he wasn’t going to explain it. No, that was up to Kyle.
So, when Heather looked at him in the mirror, expecting an explanation, he merely shrugged. She glared at him, rolled her eyes, and then stood and left the bathroom. Marcus followed, but once again stood in the doorway, watching from a distance.
Kyle answered Heather’s question before she had a chance to ask.
“Sometimes it isn’t easy to love you, but I’m not going to stop. Like Marcus, I’ll worry about you and I’ll miss you, but I’ll be waiting for you when you get home, too.”
“You’re mad.”
Kyle turned the television off and looked back to Heather, meeting her gaze head-on. “I’m trying to pull us closer together, and you’re pointing out you’ll be leaving for months, going to the other side of the damned planet! I’m not mad that you’re going, but it feels like you’re trying to push us away by telling us while we’re having this conversation. How long have you known about this trip?”
Heather looked at Marcus, clearly hoping he’d help, but Marcus wasn’t inclined to let her off the hook. “Your choice of timing would leave one to believe you have commitment issues, or perhaps attachment issues.” The muscles around her eyes tensed, a micro-expression that told Marcus he was treading on thin ice, so he tried to soften the impact. “Or maybe it’s neither of those things, and you’re just trying to pull away because you don’t see this relationship working longer term, so you’re avoiding anything that will make a break any harder, when it all falls apart.”
The latter was part of the definition of both attachment and commitment issues. Would she call him on it, or let it go?
* * * *
Heather started to spout something about fucking therapists, but then realized maybe they were right. She was feeling less than secure about losing her own place, and maybe she had brought up Everest to try to balance it out.
She dropped into a chair with a sigh. “If that’s what I was doing, I didn’t realize.” She met Kyle’s gaze, and then Marcus’s. “I apologize. Let’s make plans to move some of my things to Kyle’s next weekend. Clothes and shoes and some small accessories — enough I can stay longer periods without needing to come home.”
She looked around and then looked back to Kyle. “Should I apologize for not being ready to give up my apartment this early on? I don’t think it’s an attachment issue, but I suppose it could have something to do with stability, with having a place I know is mine.” She looked at Marcus. “Whether that’s adoption related? Who knows. It makes sense, that I’m not willing to give up a place I consider my own safe space, the place where all my things are. Moving in with someone else, living in someone else’s house — it doesn’t feel like roots to live in someone else’s house. I have a place of my own. It’s mine and no one can kick me out. Giving that up is going to be hard.”
Marcus went to one knee in front of her and grasped her hands in his. “We aren’t pushing you to do anything that doesn’t feel right. We’d love to have you close, but you have to want it, too. Kyle wants to spend every night with you. He hates it when he goes a couple of days without seeing you, and with your schedules, that happens too often for his liking. And I’d like to see more of you, both of you, too — but if you’re feeling pressured then we aren’t asking right, and I’m sorry about that.”
He pulled her to his feet as he stood, and wrapped his arms around her. Heather started to pull away, but she wasn’t mad at him, was she?
His arms represented safety. She wasn’t certain when it had happened, but she didn’t want to pull away. She put her arms around his waist, and he said, “If you want to move some things over next weekend, tell us in a few days. Let’s table this for now. If you want to talk about it, or ask questions about how it might work, you’ll need to bring it up.”
Was Marcus speaking for both of them? Heather turned her head so she could see Kyle. “Are you okay with dropping it? I get the feeling you have more to say.”
He shook his head. “With the two of us trying to convince you, maybe you felt a little ganged up on? If so, I’m sorry. I don’t want you to feel as if it’s us against you. Ever. I want you living with me, but I don’t want to fight with you to make it happen. I love you.”
His feelings were hurt, and he was more worried about her than himself. Heather felt like a heel. She wasn’t going to apologize, but no way could she demand the conversation be over just because she said it was. Kyle needed more, and a balanced relationship should consider everyone’s needs.
Heather moved to the sofa, pulling Marcus with her, and they both sat beside Kyle.
“I love you, too,” she told Kyle. “How will it work if I move in? I’ll pay half the utilities, of course. You don’t have a cleaning service now — will you mind if I pay someone to come in to handle that? I’ll warn you now that I’m not good at holding up my end of the cleaning responsibilities. I’d rather pay someone to do it all so I don’t have to feel guilty about you doing part of it while I do none.”
“Honestly, I hadn’t planned on asking you for any money at all. I can’t imagine the utilities will be that much different. I have someone who does my grocery shopping for me, so if you wanted to pay for half of something, that seems logical. I enjoy cleaning, but I’m willing to discuss having someone come in to do the things I don’t enjoy. You have someone you trust, I assume?”
Heather nodded. “She keeps this place clean, plus she takes care of my laundry — using my machines for what she can, and getting everything else back and forth to the dry cleaners. I wear it and put it in one of two bags, and the next thing I know everything is clean and back in the closet or drawers where they’re supposed to be.”
Kyle nodded and then spoke slowly, as if he was considering it as he talked instead of making his mind up first and then speaking. “I wouldn’t mind having someone handle my laundry. I want to mop and vacuum and keep the kitchen clean. And dust. I love dusting.” He gave an apologetic smile. “I know it’s strange, but it relaxes me. Watching the dirt go away is therapeutic.”
Heather hated cleaning, but she’d already known Kyle didn’t seem to mind. “If you let me buy the groceries and pay for the cleaning service, that’s a good start — and you and Sheila can figure out who’s doing what. She comes to my apartment twice a week, but if you’re going to handle the kitchen, we may just need her once a week.” She reconsidered that. “She’ll still need to make two trips, to pick up the dry cleaning and then to bring it back, so we may as well let her do some work both times, if there’s something that needs doing.”
“We’ll share the master bedroom, but I can clear out another room so you can use it for an office or a reading room or whatever — a space to call your own. Whatever you want to bring, furniture or knickknacks or other stuff, we’ll find a spot in the house for it. You can redecorate the Master suite, too. It’s pretty masculine, so you should choose new fabrics and wall color and whatever else you don’t like. Anything you want to do to make it feel more like your space.” He looked at Marcus and back to her. “I don’t want you to feel like you’re living in my house. I want it to be our home.”
Heather’s eyes watered and she resisted the urge to rub them. She’d assumed she’d sell her furniture. It was nice, but nothing like Kyle’s, which had probably been chosen by an interior decorator or something, because his home was gorgeously put together.
But if she could replace his downstairs den sofa with hers, and bring some of her lamps, it would help. She didn’t want to screw with the living room, or his bedroom.
Okay, maybe a different bedspread and drapes, but the wall color was fine.
“Thank you. I hadn’t expected to be able to bring furniture. We’ll figure the details out later, but that helped. This weekend, just some more clothes, and maybe some hiking and running gear.” She started to point out, again, that she had six months left on her lease, but decided saying that would undo the good she’d managed, so she stopped talking.
“I can live with that.” Kyle’s smile seemed genuine, and the fist in her gut relaxed.
“Let’s buy duplicates of our basics — toothpastes, toothbrushes, deodorant, moisturizer. If we decide at the last minute to stay overnight at Marcus’s, I’d like to manage it without having to pack.”
Marcus squeezed her hand. “The girl who cleans my house also keeps it stocked. I only need to let her know what to buy. Text me the brand names and whatever else she needs to know — but later. I’m hungry, and you still need to get ready.
Heather laughed. “Three minutes, and I’ll be ready. Where are we eating?”