Sheriff’s Pregnant Ex by Leslie North

16

Brian stared blindly at the paperwork on his desk. It had been two days since his late-night discussion with Caitlin in his kitchen. They’d skirted around each other since. Her, because she was waiting for him to make his decision. Him, because he didn’t want to say the words that would send her away for good. She was determined to leave…and it wasn’t possible for him to go with her. They were at an impasse, a stalemate.

But even if nothing could fix things between them, he still wanted to see her. Just being with Caitlin made him feel better, so he grabbed his hat and walked across the street to the diner for lunch. She’d wait on him, smile, maybe flirt a little. He needed that from her for as long as he could have it.

“Hey, sheriff,” Aurora greeted him. “Usual table?”

“Please,” he said and walked to a booth that faced out onto the street.

“Brian,” Caitlin said, coming up to the table with her note pad in her hand. Her smile was in place, but he detected some tension in the way she carried herself.

When he saw her, he couldn’t pretend that things were okay between them. He had to tell her now that he couldn’t leave here.

“You’ve decided, haven’t you?” she asked, her voice low.

He nodded, but he didn’t want this to play out in the diner. “Let’s go talk.”

He saw Caitlin shoot Aurora a glance before she led him through the kitchen and out to the parking lot in the back.

“You’re not going with me, are you?” Caitlin said before he could speak.

“I can’t leave my position here,” he said, his heart heavy. “If I go, someone else I love might get hurt. It’s not a risk I can take.”

He expected her to lash out at him, to tell him that he was hurting her, but she nodded, seeming to accept his words as if they were what she’d expected. God, that was worse than her anger. Couldn’t she yell at him or argue with him? Couldn’t she plead with him that they loved each other? Because they did. He knew that in his heart.

“I’m not surprised,” she said slowly as she sat down on the bench. “I thought the town would be your pick in the end, and I understand. Really, I do. Your job is so important to who you are.”

“I wish it were different, but it can’t be,” he said. He wanted to change their situation, make it so they could be together, but he couldn’t see a way forward.

“Right. Well, then. I guess there’s nothing left to be done,” she said, her tone forced. “You should know that I’ll be leaving soon. Aurora just hired a teenager to work the rest of the summer. She can take my place once she’s trained. I’ll be out of your house in a few days.”

“You’re going?” He’d thought they’d have the next month together at least. Now she was leaving in days? And why the hell was she so calm about it all?

“I’ll let you know about the pregnancy, doctor’s appointments, all that,” she said. “After he or she is born, we’ll work out some sort of visitation schedule. I want our child to grow up with both of us in their life, but I think it’s best if we’re no longer in a relationship other than as friends.”

He nodded, completely unable to speak. She was leaving him, ending everything between them, taking their child and going, and there wasn’t a damn thing he could do to change her mind. What hurt more than anything was how understanding she was. She should be yelling at him for picking a town over her and their baby. But instead, she didn’t even seem upset, just accepting.

“You should come back inside and have your lunch,” she suggested after a minute. “You’ve probably got a busy day ahead of you.” There was that damn neutral, accepting tone from her again when he wanted to punch the nearest wall.

“Not hungry,” he said and stalked away. He glanced back once before rounding the corner of the building. She was staring after him, her expression concerned. For him? She shouldn’t be, but she probably was, which made him feel even more anger for not being able to make their situation work.

By working sixteen-hour days, he got through the remaining time Caitlin lived at his house without falling apart. On the evening she left, he’d helped her load her things into her SUV, just as he’d helped her unload them when she’d come to live with him. She’d given him a hug, told him to take care of himself, and driven off to Austin.

He’d gone back in the house, pounded down three beers, and sat on his back deck until long after darkness fell. He hadn’t even tried to go to bed. Instead, he’d stayed up channel surfing until dawn, slept two hours on the couch, and gone to work. That first day, he’d stayed at work until Sofia had forced him to go home. He’d felt useful at the station. He had a purpose there, and people needed him.

But his house held too many memories of Caitlin and felt too empty without her. Sleep hadn’t happened that night either, making the following day worse. He’d gotten into the office early, closed his door, and forced himself to tackle the mountain of paperwork that always seemed to be waiting for him.

When he heard Mack come in, talking loudly about a traffic stop he’d just conducted, Brian felt irritation surge through him. Hadn’t he taught that kid anything about professional behavior?

“Kilpatrick,” Brian hollered from the doorway to his office. “We don’t talk about shit. We write a report. Be professional.”

“I was just—”

“No,” he snapped. “I don’t want to hear anything that starts with I was just. Do your job, do it right, or you’ll be looking for a new field of work.” Brian retreated into his office and slammed the door shut. Over the next few hours, he heard practically nothing from the outer office. Either they’d all gone home, or they’d learned to conduct themselves in an appropriate manner. He didn’t really give a damn either way.

“Brian, your lunch date’s here.” Sofia cautiously poked her head into his office at noon.

“Who?” he asked, a little part of him hoping that Caitlin had changed her mind and returned to town.

“Amy, your sister-in-law,” Sofia said, speaking slowly. “It’s on your calendar.”

Shit, it was, but he wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. “Yeah, I forgot. Tell her I’m not coming, would you? Too damn much stuff to do.”

“If that’s what you want.” Sofia studied him.

“Why are you questioning me?” he growled. “Go.”

He knew he was being an ass, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. He was the boss. If he wanted to wallow in his misery for a time, then he would.

“He says he’s too busy,” he heard Sofia explain to Amy. “Maybe you can reschedule for another day.” Sofia’s voice dropped then, and he could catch only occasional words from her conversation with Amy. He listened more closely.

Like a bear with a sore butt…been like this since Caitlin left…someone’s got to talk…

“I know you’re talking about me.” His patience snapped as he exited the office to confront the women. “I’m busy, Amy. Leave me alone,” he said to his sister-in-law. Not once before in his life had he taken that tone with her, and he expected her to shout back, but she just shot a look at Sofia, who shook her head.

“What did I tell you?” Sofia said, and Brian was just about to tell her to mind her own business when Amy spoke.

“We’re coming in to talk,” Amy declared in the tone he’d heard her use when her son was throwing a tantrum. Sofia took up a position right behind Amy, and he knew he’d lost. They weren’t going to back down.

“Fine,” he said disgusted with it all. “Let’s get it over with.” He stalked back into his office and sat in his desk chair. Amy and Sofia took the seats opposite him. He wanted to shrink under their concerned gazes. Instead, he glowered, trying to put them off.

“Not once in the years that I’ve known you have you snapped at me,” Amy started, her tone firm. “Not once. You’re a mess. You look like the walking dead.”

“So?” he said.

“So we’re having an intervention,” Amy declared.

He rolled his eyes at the term. “Don’t need it.”

“Everyone else thinks differently. You’re not fooling anyone, Brian. The woman you’re in love with recently left town, and you’re not dealing well,” Amy said. “What no one can figure out is why did you let Caitlin go?”

“I didn’t get a choice,” he said. “She refused to stay here, and I can’t leave. There’s nothing to be done.”

“What do you mean you can’t leave?” Amy questioned. “Of course you can. You could resign as sheriff and go be with Caitlin and your baby in Austin. There are plenty of jobs in the city for someone with your qualifications.”

“I can’t,” he said again. Amy didn’t understand that the situation was so much more complicated than that. “When I leave, people get hurt. Why doesn’t anyone get that?”

“Because it’s bullshit.” Sofia dove into the conversation. “Every life in town is not solely dependent on you being on duty twenty-four/seven. You’ve made sure that we’re all so well trained that even the rookie out there managed to de-escalate a knife fight in a bar exactly by the book.”

“That’s not the only time I was needed,” Brian countered.

Sofia leaned forward, and he knew by the flash in her dark eyes that he was in for it. “Are you talking about the night you took Sue to the hospital? I could have driven her as easily as you did.”

He shook his head, not accepting the answer. “What about the argument between the council members?”

“You think I couldn’t handle those two old dudes?” Sofia challenged. “I called you because I knew how pissed you’d be if I didn’t. That’s what’s behind ninety percent of those phone calls I make to you. Every single one is a situation we could handle without you, but you always insist on having your hand in the action. The fact that you care so much makes you a good boss, and we respect that. But, Jesus, you need to take a step back because it’s controlling your life.”

“Why do you feel compelled to always be here?” Amy asked in the tone he’d heard therapists use. “Is there something in particular you blame yourself for?”

He looked away, not wanting to admit to it, not in front of her. He’d shirked his duties, and her husband had died as a result. He knew their marriage had been far from perfect, but they had loved each other, had had a child together.

“I’m not leaving until you tell me,” Amy said, settling into her chair, “because I know there’s something.”

He looked at her, and then at Sofia, who seemed to perceive what he wasn’t comfortable saying. His second in command stood. “I’ll be in the outer office. For the love of God, Brian, talk to her.”

He waited until the door clicked close before speaking. If he told Amy, she’d understand why it was so important for him to stay and then she’d leave him alone. He nearly choked on the words, but he finally got them out. “It’s my fault Luke and Dad are dead. If I’d been here, if I’d taken on the responsibilities of sheriff at that time, the accident would never have happened.”

“Oh, Brian, that’s just not true.” Amy’s expression was shocked. “Luke was at fault. He’s the one who ran the red light. No one else has any part of that guilt.”

Brian shook his head. It wasn’t that simple. He knew it wasn’t. “If I’d done what I should have, you would still have a husband and Henry a father and grandfather.”

“I’d told Luke over and over to slow down,” Amy said. “To be more cautious when he was driving. He never listened to me. I couldn’t make him understand the dangers. Does that make his death my fault?”

“Of course not.” How could she think such a thing? “His death isn’t on you. You couldn’t control what he did.”

“On those same grounds,” she spoke slowly, “it wasn’t your fault either. Luke did as he pleased. No one could control him. You know that to have been true about your brother.”

He couldn’t deny that Luke had always been stubborn and strong-willed.

“For that first year or two after the accident, I carried a lot of guilt about his death, too,” she said. “But grief counseling helped me see that I’m ultimately only responsible for myself, my feelings and reactions.”

“I didn’t know you’d gone to counseling.” The entire family had been devastated by the deaths of Luke and their father. It seemed Amy was the only one wise enough to seek help.

“I learned a lot,” she said, “like how not to feel bad about moving on with my life.”

“You’ve done that, and I’m happy for you,” Brian said. Amy and his half-brother Cal were planning to marry later in the year. It had taken him and Jake some time to adjust to the idea, but he knew that Amy and Cal were good together, and Henry was so excited about having a daddy again.

“It’s time you moved on as well. You’ve got to let the guilt and the grief go. They won’t do you any good. Trust me on that.” She paused. “You’ll never get what you want in your life if you carry the weight of all those ‘could have been’s around. Tell me the truth, Brian, what do you want? If you set aside your belief about the accident, would you choose Caitlin or this town?”

“Caitlin,” he said, not able to stop her name from coming out.

“Good.” Amy smiled. “Then get her back.”

“It’s not that simple,” Brian argued. “As I said, she won’t stay and I can’t…”

“But you can. You’ve got competent people to run this office. You can resign or take time off, and know you’re leaving things in good hands. Either way, you need to work it out with Caitlin.” Amy stood up. “We’ll get lunch another day. You’ve got a lot to think about.” She quietly left his office.

He sat there for a while, pondering what she’d said. He wasn’t convinced that he could just walk away from the life he’d built for himself in Darby Crossing. At the same time, he also wasn’t convinced that he could live without Caitlin.