Team Changes by Erin R Flynn

10

“I won’t come in or open the door, Inez,” he promised. He didn’t push when I didn’t reply, quietly sitting on the other side of the door with me for several moments. “Do you remember when you were scared of me before? You were so tired and upset, and still, you let me hold you at that hotel? That’s all I wanted. I just wanted to hold you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I pushed you when you’re so upset.

“I won’t. I won’t push or make it about my feelings. I won’t fight with Vitor or get upset. I’ll try not to get upset. I didn’t that time.” He sniffled loudly, his voice cracking at what he said next. “I love you, Inez. I love you as you are. You were never a fantasy to me or—I saw you for who you were, and are. We all change and grow. I have. I hope you love me still.”

“I do,” I whispered when he was quiet several minutes. “I’m sorry I didn’t see you were on the boat. I just needed…”

“The day off. You wanted the fun. I understand. I do. I’m glad you were focused on having some fun in your too-hard life instead of intentionally ignoring me. That was what hurt.” He sniffled again and it pierced my heart. “I won’t talk about it or push. Let me hold you tonight. Let’s just rest like we did then.”

Except that time he’d left and let me wake up to James wrapped around me and whispering things that had affected my heart. I didn’t want that again either.

“I want to try sleeping alone,” I mumbled, knowing he would hear me. “I think the switching or changing in the night messes with my sleep, and Aether did that enough.”

“Yes, and you’re spiraling,” he worried. “I won’t leave. I won’t leave my wife when she needs me. Please have that faith in me, Inez. I won’t push you beyond asking you to believe in me that I can be here for you.”

Wasn’t that what I wanted? One of them to love me enough to focus on me instead of what I’d done?

To give me what I needed to keep me from falling over the edge instead of being selfish when I gave all of myself to them?

Yes. No matter how I looked at it, my answer was a resounding yes.

So I opened the door. “Okay.”

He let out a shaky breath. “Okay.” He reached inside and picked me up, holding me gently but tightly against him.

I ducked my head against him when we reached the floor of my room and people were standing there. I hated when I lost my head and blew a gasket. Everyone else always seemed to be so composed and kept it together like real adults while I was a kid throwing tantrums.

“You do better than you think and give yourself credit for, My Princess,” he whispered in my ear.

I didn’t think I’d said anything out loud, but Kristof was fairly good at reading me when he paid attention, so I assumed he could tell I was embarrassed. Maybe?

He easily laid me down and scooted in with me before pulling the light blanket over us. “How—what’s best for you? I can just lie here near you?” He swallowed loudly. “I don’t want you afraid of me, Inez.”

“I’m not. You just stopped checking again,” I muttered before turning over on my side. After a moment, I reached back for his arm and moved it over me.

He got the idea and snuggled against my back so we were spooning. “I know. I spiral out too. The idea of losing you makes me spiral out. I cannot lose you, not when I’ve finally found you. I’ve barely held on for so long, and you are the one thing I’ve found that made life worth living again.”

That was so ridiculously sweet—and maybe a bit obsessive—but my brain and heart were just dead to everything after another day and night of drama. “I hurt.”

“I know you do.” He kissed my hair. “I know you do, my love. I wasn’t trying to push you, but I couldn’t leave you when you hurt.” I felt his tears on my neck as he moved closer. “I couldn’t risk you spiraled out again and we lost you this time. I almost died when your gifts almost ate you.”

And he knew how scared I was of that happening again. The only thing I was more terrified of was losing them. “Thank you for staying.”

“Always. We’ll figure it all out.” He let out another shaky breath and kissed my hair. “I’m not upset at what you did. I’m upset I wasn’t a good enough husband that you could tell me, come to me, beforehand so I could help.”

“I didn’t know how. I don’t think it was you but…”

“Both of us?”

“Maybe.” I shook my head. “It was so clear to me it had to be that way. What She showed me was… Everything went wrong in a million different ways if I told what was going on. I knew it. I knew that more than I knew if Inez Garner was really my name. I’m sorry it hurt you.”

“I’m sorry you carried this burden alone, but I understand you had to. You trusted Aether, and I’m sorry you had to do everything you did.”

I broke down silently crying. That was what I’d been dying for them to say to me and finally one of them had in a way I needed.

Well, one who hadn’t already abandoned me.

Kristof held me the whole time and simply kept telling me he loved me as he kissed my hair or cheek every so often. That was how I fell asleep… Finally not feeling so alone in it all.

I wasn’t sure what tomorrow would bring or what would ride my emotions, but right then I wasn’t alone.

It was everything I needed and I was grateful for it.

The next morning, Kristof was still there when I woke. I was pretty sure I couldn’t keep the shock off my face, but he ignored it.

He pushed my hair out of my eyes and gave me a soft smile. “How are you feeling?”

I wasn’t going to answer at first, but then I decided to give him a crumb after he’d been there for me like I needed. “Fragile.”

“That’s how I’ve been feeling too,” he admitted after a few moments. “I’m sorry I made that worse for you.”

I couldn’t believe he confessed that around others, and I found myself scooting closer. “Me too. I didn’t mean to ignore you and I’m sorry. I… I don’t mean to project when I’m upset with one of you. I know you’re all different, but when I reach a certain level of hurt, it’s like…”

“You can’t risk more,” he finished for me, kissing my forehead when I nodded. “I know that feeling well. You aren’t alone.”

“I feel it.”

“I know, and it’s valid because you’re the boss, the princess. But I’m here for you. Lots of people love you.” He waited until I gave some signal I was going to try to accept that. “Can I take you someplace this morning that I’ve been wanting to? I don’t know how to… It’s important to me and I’ve wanted to, but it’s hard to—I didn’t want to make it seem—I’m not as good at this as you are.”

“What?” I asked, wondering what had him tripping over himself.

“Putting myself out there. You give yourself so freely and I admire that. I’ve had so many thousands of years of not being what people wanted, or wanted for the reasons that had nothing to do with who I am, that I can’t let people in.”

“You do better than you think,” I promised, saying back to him what he told me last night that helped me. “And lots of people like you. They might not know you well or you’re hesitant with them, but I know Nick genuinely likes you. Simon admitted he wished you won the booze at the bachelor party because you’re nicest to the knights.”

“Simon is a pup who knows he is and appreciates what he knows and what he has to learn,” he admitted. “He soaks up knowledge like water to a towel, and I appreciate people like that.” He kissed my nose. “You are like that.” He snuck a quick kiss on my lips. “And I have to like the wolf who spoils my princess with the best food she loves.”

“You like him.”

“I do. He’s a good man who takes pride in his work while not taking himself too seriously. That’s someone I can be friends with.”

“You do better than you think,” I repeated, leaning up and kissing his nose. “I have no idea what’s on my schedule besides dealing with ghosts I’ll now have, but I’d love to go somewhere with you. I’m sure Hope or whoever can reschedule or push things back.” I frowned as I sat up. “I’m pretty sure they knew they’d have to after yesterday.”

Kristof didn’t say anything to that but reached for my hair. “I love when you sleep with it wet and it is this natural, wild mane of beauty. I know you pull it up because it’s in your way or hot, but this—I think it was called ‘bedhead’ look, is so sexy on you whereas others simply looked disheveled.”

“Thank you,” I muttered as I reached up and started detangling it with my fingers. It was a mess now, and I would probably toss it up in a messy bun instead of trying to deal with it.

That was what conditioner was for next shower. Lazy, but sometimes we all had days like that.

“What do I need to dress for?” I asked when he simply stared at me.

“Comfortably with maybe…” He cleared his throat as he rolled out of bed. “Maybe I could pick for you?”

I bit back a smile. He’d heard me when I’d said that it hurt that no one had wanted to or cared about even wanting to pick out my clothes. I’d meant it when Jaxon had said nothing had changed for us, but it hadn’t been just him.

“Sure,” I agreed as I scooted to the edge.

He was in my closet by the time my feet hit the floor, and I went for a hair tie to toss up my mane. He came back with low-rise jeans, a sleeveless crop top that matched my deep green eyes, a light hoodie for over it, and boots. He cleared his throat as he set it over the chair of my vanity. “You won’t need weapons, but if you want to adjust so you have them, I understand.”

“I feel safe with you,” I promised. “I mean, I trust your judgment, and we’re not going off alone, right?”

“No, I cannot protect you the way they can,” he whispered sadly before turning away.

I reached out and grabbed his arm. “You’ve saved me several times. This is all about the crazy level of threat I’m under and from a God, Kristof, not your failings.”

“It’s hard to feel it’s any different most days.”

“Yeah, it all gets messed up,” I accepted. “I’ll change and meet you downstairs?” I smiled when he nodded. “Or can we do a picnic?”

He thought about that a moment. “Another time. Let’s make it quick this time because you have the extra ghosts and you were injured.” He looked away, but not before I saw the fear in his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I was stupid. I need to keep in shape, but I won’t be—I’ll let them take me somewhere to get a workout and get out what I’m feeling but not walk into the middle. They weren’t acting like normal.”

“It’s true,” Tian agreed. “They weren’t even turning on their own injured. It was… Disconcerting. Everything about the corrupted has been from the beginning, but changing habits this far in upset all of us.”

“And you could come with next time,” I offered quietly when that didn’t seem to help Kristof. That did, and I was glad I took the chance with it.

“Thank you, my love,” he breathed as he hugged me to him. “Let’s go have a nice morning.”

“I’d like that. A lot.”

Instead, the moment I arrived at the dining hall, Jaxon approached me.

“Inez, about last night, I need to—”

“Not do this here,” I muttered, not even able to look at him. “I’ve said several times, and you’ve all agreed, that we shouldn’t do things here with so many eyes. You could have come talked to me last night. You didn’t.” I let out a shaky breath. “That says it all.”

“No, it doesn’t,” he rasped as I walked by him. “I didn’t know I’d be welcome and I wanted to—”

“Not here,” Darius cut in. “Don’t do this to her here with an audience.”

“So I should just ignore it and get drunk for months like you?” Jaxon snapped. “Abandon her and walk away from your marriage? No, I’m not going to do that.”

I didn’t know if I was more mortified that he said all of that or that it was true.

Or maybe it was that he was ignoring what I wanted and still doing this in front of too many people, including those visiting.

Why did everything have to blow up like this?

I kept walking and went right into the door to the kitchen meant for easy serving. Ignoring the worried look Nick gave me that let me know they’d all heard as well, I slapped on the best smile I could. “I know everything is set up for people, but I was hoping Kristof and I could have breakfast privately on the terrace by the pools.” I really liked the sound of that and made a snap decision. “Today and going forward.”

Nick winked at me. “I think that a wonderful idea. Our princess is not a frivolous social butterfly and needs her quiet time to re-center with how hard she works. I’ll make sure everyone’s updated.”

I went over to him and gave him a quick hug. He wasn’t simply saying it for the kitchen staff there, and I didn’t feel bratty, but so I heard that it was okay to not always be at the center of things.

Kristof slid his arm around me and kissed my head before leading me out the door and onto the terrace. My heart warmed as he opened our table’s umbrella and checked I was covered even though our whole table was in the shade. He gave me a hesitant look. “Or did you want to sit on the chaises?”

“No, this is perfect,” I promised. “Thank you.”

He sat next to me and moved his hand over mine. “Thank you for giving me a romantic breakfast with you.” He glanced out at the pool and scenery. “This is nice. It’s nice to take a moment and simply enjoy what we’ve been working for.”

“It is,” I agreed, but then frowned. “I haven’t even been in the pools besides when you tossed me in. Everything’s been so…”

“Will you tell me?”

I didn’t want to, but his tone was so gentle that I didn’t want to keep him out. It might be healthier to share it, besides only the details I already had. “It’s jarring. The quicker ones where Aether showed that princess at a place I didn’t know, making a deal with a woman I’d never seen who scared me—that made it clear it was a vision. They weren’t always so clear.

“I’ve had Ceawlin locked in our dungeon. He was injured there too. I thought my nightmares of Bahati hurting us made her turn into Trisha to be my memories, and when I doubted… It was like Aether punched the gas to show me it was real, and that made it worse. My head felt like it was splitting, and I couldn’t shake it off when I woke a lot of the time.”

“I’m so sorry,” he rasped as he moved his arm around me, scooting his chair closer. “I’m so sorry we didn’t listen to your concerns about her more.”

I leaned into him. “I understand why you guys get hesitant. I accept more because it’s all crazy to me. Aether sending me visions isn’t any crazier to me than being a vampire princess. You guys grew up with the rest, but the idea of Aether sending someone visions is fucking insanity that you can’t easily grasp.”

“I’ve believed you,” he argued.

“I know. Mostly. Like, you knew I got a vision but didn’t seem sure it was from Aether or… It’s all complicated.”

“No, I believed you that it came from Her,” he pushed. “I’ve felt Her push too. It made me come to meet you. I never thought this possible, but I didn’t understand the apocalypse either. It is a hard concept to wrap my mind around, but I fully believed you. There have been many difficult things for me to adjust to over my life.”

That was fair, and I said as much.

“I would see maps like we have, all marked up with what we’re doing, and then I would hear her voice—a voice I didn’t know before meeting her, and I would be so sure it was my fear. It was like… I think Aether would get upset I doubted Her? I wasn’t really, simply not—my brain was making logical jumps after years of nightmares.”

“Did they hurt?”

“Yes, horribly,” I finally admitted. “They always hurt.” I quickly wiped away tears when they appeared. “It feels like a burn in my mind. Really bad sunburn in my mind and so much more than the migraines I get after using too much power. It’s so painful, and I feel detached from everything like I do then.”

I snapped my mouth shut when food started arriving, thanking those who brought it and putting on the best face I could. Honestly, it was easier to fake than it had been the day before. I was relieved not to be shouldering it all alone.

Someone finally knew how I’d been hurting and hiding it.