Team Changes by Erin R Flynn

16

James

I was in love with Inez.

It was a fact. The sky was blue, water was wet… And I loved her. No matter how much I tried to deny it. No matter how much I lied to myself about it, I’d fallen deeply in love with her.

If I was truly honest with myself, I think I was sunk from the moment we found Vance. Some piece of my person had been brought back to find my baby brother alive when most of our clan was wiped out. And some of our younger cousins. We’d lost scores more, but some of us had survived. Our whole clan wasn’t gone.

And it made sense that I transferred some of those feelings to the woman who had made that happen. Sure, Aether had given her the dream—which was still a hard pill to swallow—but she’d done it and brought them to us.

She was beautiful, there was no denying that, and everything people said about her was accurate or paled to the reality if they were jealous. There was more to her than her looks. To the vamps who were hundreds or thousands of years old that knew courts, hers was light and pure when they had seen only darkness.

But I saw the darkness and doubt in her that I struggled with myself. The weight of what she’d been through crushed her some days, and keeping everyone alive was all that kept her going. I knew that weight well. It was a certain type of hell most could never understand—even before the fucking apocalypse and corrupted—but she was so much younger than me and handled it well.

And never compromised herself.

Yes, I was attracted to her, but I wasn’t going near a princess. The moment she punched me because I’d tested her to see if she’d trade sex for what she wanted, like the stories I’d heard about princesses having no morals and horrible, was the moment I wanted her. Like, wanted her.

So what? There were people we wanted but couldn’t be with. That was life. It was nothing but fun flirting and sneaking hugs.

Until it wasn’t. It became more, and she was the person I thought of when I fantasized. Hell, there were many times my damn hand and dick hurt when my room was too close to hers and I could hear her having sex. And I hated the men who touched her.

Fine, I didn’t. I liked all of them, was friends mostly with a few of them even, but I hated she was theirs and not mine. Things got worse, and I kept pushing because I was an idiot. She shut it down when I said it out loud the first time that I wouldn’t ever go near a princess. The hurt in her eyes killed me, but maybe that had been for the best.

Yeah, I had only been kidding myself, and I was already sunk. I was like a druggie looking for a fix of her. Every glance we shared, every time I was near her, and every touch I stole pulled me in deeper, and there was no chance for me before I even realized it.

And then she came to me after the bachelorette party. She was going to take the vows of two more men, and I was losing my fucking mind. I couldn’t even look at another woman, and she was accepting more men. I knew it was their ways. I knew it was the ways of some shifters even.

I just couldn’t… How could she do that and remotely care about me? I knew she was capable of loving many, we all were to some extent, but mating was sharing your soul with a person. How many people could you really share your soul with?

But then she showed up to my door, and it hit me that this wasn’t the life she wanted either. She didn’t want so much complicated. Yes, she loved them, but the way she talked about things being different… We wanted the same thing. We wanted her to be born a leopard shifter so we could have fallen in love and been mated. That should have been our fate.

And then I drank myself stupid drunk that night for feeling so selfish. Here she was practically saving what was left of the world because she was a princess—including my family—and could be Aether’s champion, and I selfishly just wanted her to be something else so she could be mine. Pulling it together for the wedding and what we needed to do for the coven had been hard.

Listening to Trisha tear into me that she was on Inez’s side, and I didn’t deserve her, was harder. I knew I was a bastard, but I couldn’t help how I felt. But I would never tell Inez that, and it was time to end this before it got worse.

Not that I was sure how it could, but I wasn’t going to be the reason things crumbled around us. History was filled with loves and affairs that destroyed empires and the best of people. Time to be smarter than the past.

So I pulled away. It killed me to do, but I did it.

Especially when she clearly knew I was doing it. She would send me hurt looks like what we shared had meant the world to her and I was shutting her out. There were several times when people were pressing her on what was going on that she would pull away from them but seemed like she might tell me.

If I had known then what I did now, I would have begged her to tell me. I wouldn’t have given two shits about my feelings and let her unload everything she was holding back from us. When I realized Inez had tricked us and was off somewhere and we didn’t know where was the moment I knew I was completely in love with her in a way that would never die.

Because I would have died inside if something happened to her.

And then we learned what she’d done, Jaxon and Cerdic turning away from her instead of helping her. I hated them. I hated them for not being what she deserved and having her when I wanted her as mine… But only mine. Watching it all unfold was like a train wreck I couldn’t stop, and all I wanted to do was reach out to her. I knew if I did, I wouldn’t ever let her go again, and nothing was different between us.

I think my answer changed when she raced into the armory and I thought she had already been evacuated. I couldn’t even curb my response. The one thing that kept me able to focus on the impending attack was she was gone and safe. Instead, the idiot stayed when they were coming for her. The look Trisha gave me when I blew a gasket would have been funny if I wasn’t in the middle of blowing a gasket.

The whole time I was panicked she could die. Yes, I was scared for my family too, but I’d survived years of that and fighting through the hell of the apocalypse. I knew I couldn’t live without Inez, and I was fighting a losing battle with my feelings.

But still, like the stubborn idiot I was, I kept trying. My heart ripped apart that they all got to go off with her and hold her after the close call, and I couldn’t.

And I couldn’t keep living my life like that. It would tear everything we were building apart or at least me, and I was head of my clan now which was at the center of a lot of my decisions.

“You’re fighting your heart and your instincts, and you’re going to do damage you won’t be able to fix,” Trisha warned after the fight. “Tell her. Get over your shit and tell her you love her. Be with her.”

“It’s not that easy,” I hissed, grabbing her arm and dragging her off to the side even if too many would still hear us. “I’m head of our clan. There are barely any of us left. I knew—I always—Dad made sure I would…” I shook my head. I believed in my role and what I had to do for the clan.

“You idiot,” she seethed. “Dad was a sexist and elitist dick. I loved him, but let’s call a spade a spade. We can have tons of babies and they will be leopard Begleys. His and Gramp’s shit about the firstborn carrying on the line was shit because our great-grandfather wasn’t the firstborn, but third behind two sisters. It’s all crap and male dominance shit. You are better than that James. I never knew you bought—”

“I don’t,” I argued, giving her a hurt look. “It’s not about—you are just as much—I love you, Trish.” I honestly was destroyed she could say any of that to me.

She chilled a lot and cupped my cheek. “I’m sorry. It’s my pain from the sexism in our family. It’s in a lot of clans, but you didn’t always see how bad it got. You’re right, and you were never like that. But what you’re saying stems in a lot of sexism. A lot of elitism that we have to mate leopards and have pure leopard babies as Begleys, especially Dad’s kids since he was firstborn. It’s crap.”

“But he’s gone,” I whispered. “They’re all gone and I’m the head now.”

“They are and you are,” she said gently. “It’s horrible. I feel it and the weight too. This day was always going to come, Brother. You were always going to be the head. Don’t let them shape you into a head you weren’t going to be because it came sooner than we thought. You are better than that. Be the head and man you know is right, not who they want. They wanted me to pop out babies for a leopard they liked.”

“Fuck that,” I snarled, thinking of that asshole I hated and wanted to gut for the way he’d even looked at her when she was young.

“Exactly. Fuck that. They are with the gods now and at peace. We are alive to live our lives, so we do it. Live and be happy, James. We’ve lost too much to be any other way.”

It was smart advice. I should have listened to it.

But I was stubborn and held out, and it would cost me everything I ever wanted and needed.

I couldn’t sleep that night, thinking about what she’d said, and then we had the meeting. My heart hurt as Inez kept turning to Trisha, clearly knowing I wanted distance. She did too, and that was the sign I needed to confirm my choice had been right.

I was a fucking moron.

She went off to handle the ghosts and probably have hot sex with someone who wasn’t me. Then, we had the celebration lunch. I immediately went for the bar. I hadn’t slept or eaten all day and like an idiot, I went for the bar so I didn’t beg the woman I loved to pay attention to me.

I was pretty buzzed and thinking about eating finally when several of the newer female leopards that were planning on joining the coven came over. They hadn’t hidden they were interested in getting to know me better, and maybe several of them since they knew I was head of my clan. That was fairly normal when numbers of a clan ran low, and any normal was going out the window with the apocalypse.

One of them was the complete opposite of Inez though. Inez was brunette; this woman was blonde. Inez had gorgeous green eyes; this woman had blue. Inez has the best breasts in the world, and this woman had smaller fine ones.

It was another sign.

When she suggested checking out the scenery around the area that we would all be settling down at, I agreed. I leaned in and sniffed her, my leopard not happy with her scent when he liked Inez’s, but I ignored him and muttered something about needing fuel if we were going to get a workout.

I had meant hiking around, and it came out to say something, but when she chuckled and flicked her hair, I realized the implication I’d just made. I wasn’t sure what I would have said in response because the shit hit the fan and Inez had been right by us.

I truly hadn’t realized that. I would never have been so mean. I loved her. Hurting her was the last thing I wanted to do, and I thought like Trisha said, and not a vampire, would be best. I had no idea Inez knew I had lied to her.

The whole blowup and situation shocked me. I had no clue Inez felt so strongly about me. I knew she liked me, wanted me, but I thought my feelings were mostly one-sided. Yes, she could be interested if I gave her the green light or pushed, but to learn she already loved me was… I couldn’t think. My mind couldn’t catch up even if I sobered up fast.

I just needed her to stop for a minute and let me explain. If she could let me explain and I could catch up to her feeling the same for me… It would make all the difference, and I could figure this out.

Instead, I destroyed her.

I didn’t care that her power flared and she’d sliced me. I barely felt the first.

What I felt was her fear. The terror that consumed her ate at me too. It was like a fog that engulfed her, and more wounds appeared as she lost control and got hysterical.

“Inez, it’s okay,” I tried, wheezing as one got me deep.

She couldn’t hear me though over her panic, and she screamed about losing too much and being alone again.

And then she was gone. I saw her break. It was as if the light inside of her died. Her eyes went unfocused and she… Was simply gone.

“Inez?” Vitor whispered, his voice shaking. He reached for her, but she didn’t react at all to his touch and started to fall from the force like she was a limp doll. His quick reflexes kept her on her feet and he shook her. “Inez, come back.”

“No,” I argued, knowing that wasn’t what to do for someone in shock.

Instead, I coughed up blood. Shit, her power had really gotten me.

“Someone heal him before he fucking dies,” one of the guards demanded.

In a flash, Petre and Moon were there probably licking my bites closed and freeing me. Petre caught me and gave a hiss, probably at the state I was in.

“Can you shift?” he asked, giving me a shake when I didn’t answer, only staring at Inez. “James, shift to help your healing.”

I didn’t bother responding and checked with my leopard, glad he was ready to go. I shifted into my cat, and Petre set me on the cold concrete. It wouldn’t take long to recover from the blood loss even if it had been excessive. I hadn’t been injured long, and I was from a strong bloodline, made sure to take care of myself, and was in a good place with my leopard.

Well, as long as I ate more to heal.

“Who can help her?” Vitor demanded, snapping me back to what was going on.

I couldn’t change back yet, but I knew the answer. We had people trained as medics and who could at least check her out. Hell, I was one of them but out of commission. I hurried over to him and grabbed his shirt, tugging on it hoping to signal to follow me.

“You better not be wrong when you did this to her,” he warned me.

“I think we all had a hand in this,” Cerdic whispered. “Let me take her.”

“No, you did this too,” he snapped.

“So did you when you punched her face in,” Cerdic snapped.

I snarled before a fight broke out and headed for the door, making it clear it was time to go.

“Inez now, blame later,” Jaxon said as he pushed Vitor to go since he was carrying Inez already.

Sounded like the best plan to me.

We didn’t even have to reach the party, who I wanted right at the top of the stairs.

“I understand there are issues, but I want to see my brother,” Trisha argued quietly. “I know he’s an idiot here, but Inez is at the end of her rope.”

“I agree with both of those statements, and the other will make sure things don’t go too far,” Kristof replied. His head snapped in our direction, and he frowned when he saw me, but rage filled his eyes when he looked behind me. “Vitor, explain what you did to my wife before I kill you.”

“The shifter did it,” Vitor bit out.

I didn’t even have time to blink before Petre and Moon were pinning Kristof to the wall.

“That does not help, Vitor,” Petre bit out. “Calm yourself, Kristof. James did not injure Inez. We do not know what happened.”

“He broke her spirit,” Vitor argued.

“You don’t even know what’s wrong,” Moon growled as he struggled with Kristof. “James, you wanted to get her to your sister? She can help?”

I nodded, going over to Trisha and nudging her forward.

“I’m a medic,” Trisha muttered, catching on as quickly as always. “We have two shifters that were docs in our crew.” She named them and hurried over to Vitor. She studied Inez for a minute and then snapped close to her face, swallowing loudly when Inez didn’t even react. “She’s showing signs of shock.”

“It was as if she just switched off,” Jaxon rasped. “Her eyes went unfocused and she stopped talking, stopped reacting. She was scared and talking and then shut down.”

“Tell me exactly what happened,” she ordered before turning to me. “And you, finish healing. I know you shifted to heal, so finish it so you can be of use.” She growled when I shook my head. “You need food. Get some.”

I shook my head again. No, there was no way I was leaving her with all of this going on.

Not a single chance.

“Jesus, someone get my stupid brother food,” she growled. “And tell me what happened.”

I plopped my butt down and huffed. She needed me for that. They seemed to realize that, and suddenly tons of pork was in front of me. My leopard would have preferred it without sauce—and alive to kill and eat—but wasn’t picky when we were injured.

I practically inhaled all of it as they told her what happened, recovering from my blood loss the more I ate. I was finally well enough to shift back, and someone tossed me a towel to at least use. Muttering a thank you, I wrapped it around my waist and told Trisha what had happened with the woman.

She shot me a look that was a mix of sympathy and like she wanted to strangle me. “You told me you made it clear you never told her you would want her to be a leopard.”

“Trish, I lied my ass off,” I promised. “I… I’m not sure it is a lie. She wouldn’t be Inez if she was one of us. You said not a normal vampire and I thought…”

“You were pounding drinks and were stupid,” she sighed before giving a hard look to several others. “And so have many of you. Don’t you dare dump this on James. He might have been the cherry on top of this fucked up sundae you’ve all built, but you’ve all done it.” She gave Kristof a chiller look. “Even you. I like you now, but Inez admitted to us how rough your start was. It all builds. She has too much—”

“I know,” he whispered, leaning against the wall they were holding him against to make it clear he was done struggling. “I know.”

“No, you don’t, because she’s terrified to tell any of you too much and you’ll leave her,” Trisha snapped. “She doesn’t know what happened with her family. She’s been all alone, and people use and abuse her when she helps them. What would her mind logically think happened with them?”

“They ditched her,” I whispered in horror.

Trish nodded. “I don’t know if she realizes that, but Hope’s said it several times that from the way Inez speaks, it’s clear—emotionally—she reacts like she was abandoned. Those are the pieces I would put together with how her life has been. Her greatest fear is going back to that life of moving all the time, being chased, and having to do it all on her own. You all hate princesses. You hate them.”

“That’s not true,” Darius argued. “I loved my mother and sister. I’ve never hated princesses. I didn’t have the experiences of the others.”

“And yet you were the first to bail on her,” Trish blasted. “That did way more damage. You might not have hated them, but you’ve made your resentment for how most run their covens, or behave, apparent.”

I wasn’t sure if I would have said that for Darius, but it was definitely true for the others. He wasn’t much older than I was and had lived in a good coven that functioned well from what I even knew. He thought the system worked but wanted to fix the flaws.

Kind of how I’d felt about my clan and what I saw the future being before everything went to shit.

“For now, we need to get her out of here and somewhere safe,” I cut in, knowing she was right but also defending me. “Someone went for the docs?”

“Yes. Who would you recommend?” Kristof demanded.

“Doc Hillier,” we said together, but I continued. “We’ve known him longer, and he’s got more experience. Especially with people who have seen too much.”

Trish nodded. “The other was a surgeon who came in with one of the first rounds of important people. If Inez couldn’t heal physically in some way we couldn’t figure out, I’d go to him.”

“Fine, bring him to her tower.” He pulled away from the others and went to Vitor. “Hand over my wife.”

Vitor pressed his lips in a line. “You have to swallow your upset better. If I can sense it, so can she, and that could hurt her more.” But he still handed her over, which I understood. I was glad he said it, but also he didn’t start shit when Inez needed to be the focus.

I’d done enough after all. I followed with the group until we reached the entrance.

Jaxon blocked my way and moved his hand to my chest. “This is as far as you go, and I suggest you move out of the castle. Take residence at an outpost. Trisha can handle things here and not jerk around our princess and not be man enough to be there for her.”

I looked down at his hand and then met his gaze, barely holding back a snarl as my leopard tried to take over. “No, you’ve done that enough all on your own, mate. I should have had a proper conversation with her, but I didn’t know her feelings were so deep. You did and jumped in too fast without seeing her completely. I heard what you said and how it’s killed her, so don’t put this all on me.”

He pulled his hand away like I’d burned him, giving me a shocked look I’d talked to him that way.

Yeah, well, fuck him. I might have hesitated and fucked up, but at least I didn’t give vows and not keep them. I didn’t take things where I wanted to because I didn’t know if I could be what she needed. I messed up a lot, but at least I respected her enough to do what I thought was right.

There was a big fucking difference in my mind.

Doc Hillier arrived and did his best to hide his upset to find Inez in the state she was in, but I knew him well enough that I could see it. He went right to her with his medical bag and started checking her out while listening to everyone fill him in. When we were done, he asked for some space. I wasn’t sure for what or why, but we all moved towards the door so we could see and hear but stop crowding them.

“Princess, if there’s anything you want to tell me now that it’s just us, you’re free to do so,” Doc Hillier said gently as he used his flashlight over her eyes. “You don’t have to do anything yet, but it would be helpful to know if you can respond. Please don’t push yourself, but I won’t tell them.”

He didn’t look happy, so I would guess she didn’t give any indication or reaction. He stood and helped her to lie down, pushing her hair back from her face before scrubbing his hand over his hair. Shaking his head when we started to come towards him, he cornered us back by the door.

“You think she can hear us,” I surmised.

“Yes. Maybe. Probably,” he replied after a moment. He held up a hand to hold everyone off. “I don’t know. Psychology is not my specialty, but I’ve done several rotations and been part of many studies of PTSD in correlation with members of the military around the world.” He gave them a moment to let that sink in. “She is showing signs that she has had a complete emotional and/or mental breakdown.”

“Why do you say it like that?” Kristof asked.

“Because a lot of the terms are used interchangeably,” he answered. “Most might say a nervous breakdown, but that’s tied more with anxiety and too high of highs and too low of lows from stress. This is a complete disconnect. She’s not catatonic, she has some response and her body is functioning. She blinks and sniffed just moments ago. Simply said, she hit her limit and couldn’t cope. She shut down.”

“You did this,” Kristof bit out.

“He might have set it off, but this has been building,and many of us have been worried about her emotional and mental well-being as you all treat a twenty-three-year-old woman as the savior of the world who will handle everything for you while spoiling you much older babies,” Doc Hillier snapped. He cleared his throat as he seemed to remember everyone there could squash him.

I was impressed though. All my years knowing him, and I’d never seen him react like that. “What can we do? What should we do?”

“Comfort her,” he answered. “Her biggest fear is being alone to handle her powers and the apocalypse again. Show her she is not. Give her everything that comforts her, from Simon in shifted form to nap with her, to those fuzzy clothes she likes. Assume she can hear you. The research that I know shows people in this state have some amount of awareness, though it’s muted as if hearing from rooms away.”

“Thank you, Doctor,” Kristof whispered as he rubbed his hand over his neck. “I would appreciate it if you stayed in the castle and kept close watch on her. We can give you a guest room in her tower so you have full access.”

They started talking ideas and how to handle things, but I ignored all of that and slipped past them and went right for her. I laid down on the bed I’d longed to—the one only those that were hers could—and spooned her so every inch of us was touching while I protectively wrapped my arm around her.

“I love you too, Inez,” I breathed in her ear. “It wasn’t a game. I couldn’t take any more hurt either, and I couldn’t risk this destroying me. I never meant to hurt you. I didn’t want to make promises I didn’t know I could keep, especially after seeing how it killed you when others did. I should have talked to you. I’m sorry I didn’t. I’m so fucking sorry, sexy bite. I would have talked to you if I could change this.”

I told her all of that again and again.

And again.

Until my throat hurt.

And still, after my voice went hoarse. I repeated it for hours, ignoring the tears that leaked out and wet her hair. I didn’t know what else to do, and I was waiting for someone to kick me out, so I was going to take whatever chance I could to tell her.

There wasn’t much else to do but pray and hope that we could reach her.

Please, we had to reach her, or we were all fucked… And I didn’t mean the coven or about the apocalypse. I meant those of us who loved her.

Kristof took over and gave me a look that said he dared me to argue.

I wouldn’t, and I appreciated the time he allowed since he was her husband. “Give me your authority as her husband to get moving on security here. We won’t have her power now, and she’s completely vulnerable. I want rows and layers and fences put up like Chris’s settlement. Not for good, but for now, as that will help us immensely with corrupted if they come back.”

“Do it,” he immediately agreed. “And cots for whoever is staying here. Stuff people in the ballroom if we need to. Security around her and the coven tree are top priorities.”

On that, we absolutely agreed.

I hated to leave her, but I would be helping and protecting her, which was the only way my leopard allowed it. I stopped by my room and threw on clothes before heading to the security room in the castle and giving out orders of who I wanted to be found. I grabbed others I trusted from the party still going on and told them we needed to move now and not wait.

It was nice when they didn’t ask questions, clearly knowing something big had happened after the scene earlier. Yeah, it wasn’t hard to piece that together since I was free and giving orders as if I was Kristof.

I also asked some of the nobles from Bahati’s court who made it clear they wanted to stay, but not be Inez’s, to help me get temp beds in the castle. I thought of the sunroom first since there really wasn’t much in there yet and showed them the way. Trish was right with me, both of us on the same wavelength.

I froze when I walked in, a huge glass panel leaning against the wall by the door waiting to be hung. I glanced at Trish. “Where did that come from?”

“Inez approved it,” she answered, staring at it as well.

And pointedly not looking at me.

I didn’t focus on that, but the breathtaking art. “This is astounding. She found this?”

She shrugged. “You’d have to ask her.”

Uh-huh. Something was up with this panel for sure. I moved closer and studied it. “Jesus, it’s all of us. Someone made this.” I did a double take when I saw the shadows of green eyes.

Eyes I knew

The eyes of the woman I loved.

“Inez is watching over us,” I breathed. “This is… I don’t have the words.” I rubbed my chest, feeling like my soul was almost touched by this piece of glass. “I love this.”

“Yeah, it’s everything I feel about this place and coven being our home,” she whispered, finally giving me a worried glance like I might ruin that.

I nodded that I heard her loud and clear.

And then I focused on protecting our new home. My family.

The woman I loved that I needed to wake up again.