Team Changes by Erin R Flynn

18

Everything felt distant. It got better over time, but I felt as if I heard and saw everything from behind something, either water, glass, or maybe both at times.

I remembered feeling James and not wanting him near. I could roll away from him. I didn’t want things from Darius or Cerdic or Jaxon. Things got foggier when they were around.

The more I slept soundly with comfort, it was as if I healed, and the disconnect was better. Not much, but a bit, as if part of it was the fog of serious exhaustion.

Nora showed up. That made me react. I didn’t understand, but I knew it was her.

“You take the time you need, lass,” she had told me as she hugged me. “I’ve got you. I will handle the coven and the ones you love. You finally heal and rest. We all need the recharge.”

That helped to hear. Not simply that we all needed it, but someone that I knew could protect everyone was there to do it. That was a huge help.

She would come and fill me in, and that helped too.

Serious fencing had been put up around the castle, layers of it even. Major safety improvements were done and people were training on weapons. There was more, but I didn’t catch a lot of it. She wasn’t worried, so I didn’t need to be. That was what mattered.

And Kristof. He told me so many times I wasn’t a monster and he loved me, that I knew they’d told him what I’d done, and he didn’t care. He wouldn’t leave me. I just wanted Kristof.

He actually saw me and still loved me. He wasn’t like the others who saw what they wanted and left when I didn’t live up to it, or played games with me. He was even a monster like me.

It was nice to sleep more and not constantly be bounced around all over to handle too much, but I also didn’t want to stay in the castle. I wanted to go to the warehouse and use my power for what I’d wanted. I never got to do what I wanted. I did what everyone wanted, and all I did was hurt. I wasn’t going to do that anymore.

But I couldn’t swim up to fully conscious. I was still… Disconnected. I sat in the chair on my greenhouse floor and looked out towards where I wanted to go. I didn’t know how to tell them.

And I really wanted some fucking pancakes. Crepes too. I wanted the dessert and breakfast kind. I wanted all the breakfast and comfort foods. I was starving—no, not actually, because my stomach wasn’t growling. I felt drained and as if I needed to refuel. I wanted to eat a lot. Maybe stress eating? I wasn’t sure, but I really, really wanted it all.

Like, seriously wanted.

When Hope asked me if I wanted to go to the warehouse, I wanted to cry in relief. I managed to reach out to her, and that was the best I could do to tell her. It worked though, and not long later, we arrived. I rubbed my face against Kristof’s skin in a way to thank him for the support and help.

It was good to get out the exploding geode and the panel. I wanted to tell Kristof how I felt and like I’d been pushed too far, and I didn’t know how to stop the fall. I wasn’t sure if it made sense or they could see it, but I felt better expressing it.

He hugged me tightly and told me he loved me and he would catch me, so I figured he understood. He also pressed me to take a break and refuel. That actually sounded good, so I bit his wrist and drank deeply. I was too numb for the fire to hit me, but it amped me up, and I was ready for more.

“Inez, please don’t push,” he whispered when I tried to pull away. He sighed when I didn’t stop. “Will you at least rest after one more? Really eat? We’ll get whatever you want and bring you here all the time, but you have to take care of yourself, my love.”

That was fair and I was hungry. Yeah, I could do that.

I stared at the ground and thought about what I was feeling. I felt swallowed. I felt like all anyone saw was the princess they judged or hated or was jealous of, but not me. I felt that people didn’t pay enough attention but then said they loved me, which hurt too much.

And suddenly, glass was forming in front of me. I didn’t even visualize this time, my power sort of running solely off my emotions. I watched as it built and built. When it was done, I was staring at a massive glass orb, at least eight feet tall, that had cool dark smoke swirls all in it. It was like a haze of dark colors and feelings… With one bright ball of glass at the very center that was being swallowed.

Yeah, that sounded about right.

I turned and went back to Kristof as if to say I would take a break after that. He understood and lifted me up, holding me extra tightly since I didn’t seem to have the energy to clutch onto him like normal. I simply rested my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes.

When we arrived back at the castle, we went to my private dining room which was his not-so-subtle way of telling me I was going to eat. Again, I was fine with that.

He sat me in a chair and then pulled one up next to me and took my hand. “Inez, can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you can. Please?”

I stared at our hands. I didn’t want to do that. I wasn’t an invalid or someone they all pitied in movies. I took my hand back and put them both on the table. I went to tell him that, but I was too tired and didn’t want to. Instead, I just pushed my right hand forward.

There, that was a reaction.

“Yes? Right is yes?” Hope figured out. She waited for me to do it again. “Left is no then. What is neither?”

I blinked at my hands a moment and wondered how much I had worried them if she was asking me something like that. My heart hurt, and she seemed further away again, but I pulled both hands off the table.

“Okay, good, makes sense,” she agreed. “Put your hands together if the answer is both or something in between.”

Again, that made sense, but I was getting tired. I didn’t want to do this, and too many people were watching—people I didn’t want to be around. I was about to turn to Kristof so he would take me to my room when she said the one thing that got me to respond.

“Inez, is there something specific you want to eat?”

Yes. Yes. I moved my hands back to the table and pushed my right hand forward. People started talking all at once, and I started to pull my hands away, hating how it was already a thing. Everything was always drama and problems. It was too much.

Hope gently grabbed the hand closest to her and growled for everyone else to shut up before being nicer to me. “Ignore the idiots and focus on me. I know you’re tired, right? You’re just so tired.”

I was. I pushed my right hand forward when she let it go.

“Yeah, I would be too. So do you want lunch?”

I pushed my left hand for no, which seemed to make her happy for some reason. It took us several more rounds but finally, she landed on the correct question.

“Pancakes?”

I moved my right hand several times just so she really understood my answer was yes. Fuck, give me the pancakes already.

“We’ll get you all the pancakes you want,” Jaxon said as he came to sit on the other side of me.

I immediately pulled my hands away and turned towards Kristof, curling up on the chair. Everything seemed to fade a bit, and I only caught parts of what was said.

“Please, Inez. I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry,” Jaxon rasped.

There were more and several people talking, but then I caught what Hope said and felt better that someone else was on my side.

“This isn’t about how you feel. You have to leave her alone and not push.”

“She should know I didn’t mean it, and I was wrong,” Jaxon defended. “She deserves to know she means more than that, and I know I was the asshole. This isn’t about relieving my guilt. Nothing will do that. I want her to not sit in so much darkness and pain. She needs to know I love her as she is, and it was all my fault.”

“She does, just not yet,” Trisha agreed. “You need to chill and give her the time to rest. We’ve all pushed too hard, and now it’s all on her schedule. Everything. Even after we get her back. No more ping-pong ball Inez being bounced all around.”

That sounded great, and it kept me from sinking any deeper. They talked some more that I tuned out, but then I was focused on my mound of pancakes when they arrived.

And there were multiple plates. There were fruity ones and chocolate everything ones and just… All. The. Pancakes.

Yum.

I didn’t even have to choose or figure out syrups because Kristof knew what type I liked best with everything, pouring and pushing my plate closer to me. My heart warmed but then hurt when I saw Darius and Jaxon give him shocked looks.

They used to care. They used to notice stuff like that.

I still did. Even after all that had happened, I knew that Darius wouldn’t want syrup on his fruit pancakes, but butter. Jaxon would want plain maple syrup if there was enough to share and he wasn’t being greedy; otherwise, he’d go with honey. And Cerdic would try some crazy combo of syrups because his teeth were all sweet, and he liked to sample everything like I did.

I paid attention. I cared because I loved them.

I saw them. I always had.

Which was also why I knew Kristof would have wanted fresh whipped cream and a bit of fruit syrup of the same type of fruit in the pancake. I knew that about all of them, but only Kristof knew how to fix my pancakes.

No, Cerdic might have, but he wasn’t coming forward and probably realized I wanted space from him. Or really, I didn’t want him to hurt me anymore, and it seemed every time he was around lately, he hurt me.

I reached for the top pancake and made sure to dip it in syrup before each bite, practically inhaling it. It was like I blinked, and the first plate was gone.

Then, the second.

It was when I was working on the third plate that I realized I wasn’t using a fork. Why wasn’t I? Weird. I licked the syrup off my fingers and grabbed one sitting there and cut into what was left to eat. And then I ate the other plates.

Kristof tried to get me to go upstairs and take a nap, but I wanted to go out by the pool and take one there in the shade. I never got to enjoy my own pool. All I went through to get there, all I had to deal with constantly, and I never seemed to enjoy the perks.

Except they were doing repairs from the attack when I went out there. I didn’t want to see that. I didn’t want to think about that and remember. I turned into Kristof and he figured it out, racing me out of there and up to my room where we took a nap.

There were another couple panels after dinner and a lot more sleep, which I honestly enjoyed for more than the rest. I liked having the snuggle time with Kristof instead of him always hurrying away from me. Sure, he was always going to handle the stuff we needed, but sometimes it felt like… I was too much? I felt that a lot with all of them.

Like they were glad to pass me off.

Like you would a burden.

Love was great like that.

The next morning, I was back in the private dining room, and Kristof placed my hands to the table asking me to move my right hand if I wanted more pancakes. At first I simply blinked at the table. Did he think something was wrong with me mentally?

Wait, but I had done that yesterday. Why had I done that?

I didn’t have the energy to talk or explain, instead, seeing Hope was holding her phone like normal. She kept everything on there, and even if she couldn’t make calls, it was powered so it had schedules and a ton of information.

I reached over and took it from her, opening the notes app and bringing up a fresh page. I typed I would really like crepes, bacon, and a soak after breakfast. I was starving and a bit sore. Oh, and I wanted to work in the warehouse some more.

“Yeah, sure, of course, my love,” he rasped, leaning over and kissing my hair. “Whatever you want.” He turned and muttered to someone to get me my own phone and the breakfast I wanted. Everything about him was relieved as he sat down next to me.

Why? Why was he so relieved? Did something happen I didn’t get? I was clearly still missing things, but then I couldn’t seem to figure out why I’d been missing things to start with.

“Is there anything else you need?” he asked quietly when I simply stared at the phone.

Did I? I thought about that before looking up at him and searching his eyes. He was in better focus than yesterday, but I was tired. I handed Hope her phone back.

“It’s best not to push when recovering,” Nora praised as she took a seat next to Kristof. “You even look better today, and that’s wonderful. Embrace that and go at your pace.”

That sounded nice, so I did. I snuggled against Kristof and listened to her give me a few updates of decisions she’d made. I caught most of it, and I felt like a few things she maybe repeated to me, but it was all things I would have done too.

It was simply glorious that someone else did.

After breakfast, Kristof asked if he could take me somewhere before the warehouse. I moved closer, wanting to see where he wanted to go and spend more time with him. Maybe I would ask about more snuggles and see if he hated sleeping all night with me. I agreed that I shouldn’t push, but I also felt some of the blocks for me were my assuming answers.

Maybe?

It was a lot of ups and downs like that. I would snap out of it a bit only to slid back some before maybe trying again. Subconsciously, at least. I was fairly sure if I knew I was doing any of it, I would have completely shut down.

He blurred us away, and it took me longer to recover than normal since I was already out of it. When I did, I glanced around but didn’t have any idea where we were. I still accepted his hand when he took mine because I knew he wouldn’t ever take me somewhere bad.

And I was really glad I did because I was so excited when I caught on.

Kristof had brought me to a glass art gallery. The first room we went in was blown glass pieces from super small all the way up to the huge chandelier. I pulled on his hand to get closer to the one I wanted to see.

But he wouldn’t come with me. I glanced up at him and couldn’t hide my disappointment.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, leaning in and kissing my forehead. “I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t saying no. Please lead the way.”

Oh good. I felt better when he came right with me when I tried again. This trip reminded me of our fun at the museum in Alaska, and tingles started in my stomach. I had been scared of him then but still attracted. He had tried so, so hard to be sweet and gentle with me.

Something he was still doing even after we were married. He still wanted to do fun things and spend time with me, not see me just for sex.

I stopped in my tracks when Darius moved by us. I backed up to be closer to Kristof and wouldn’t meet Darius’s gaze. I wasn’t sure why he was there, but I didn’t want to be near him.

“Do you remember when I made you the playlist of songs before?” Darius asked quietly. “I put together the ones I knew that talked about fighting depression that I thought were good. You didn’t mention it, so I never knew if it helped, and I didn’t want to push you. It was hard to ask you about it because I was scared I’d hurt you worse.”

He didn’t, but the songs hadn’t helped. It hadn’t been his fault, and while it was great to know I wasn’t the only one who ever suffered, it made me sink deeper into the darker feelings hearing people talk about how they had. I wasn’t sure if that was normal or not, but we didn’t live in “normal” times.

“I made you a different playlist,” Darius continued when I didn’t respond. “It’s not peppy dance music, but… Hopeful? I like all the songs as they see the brighter side and are hopeful for tomorrow. I thought you might light to listen while you see someplace new, explore the possibilities of your newfound talents.”

I stared at what he was holding in his hand. Did he think I was talented? Was he saying he was supporting me in doing this? He hadn’t before. I mean, clearly this was different than exploring what I wanted sexually and certain play, but it was me still stepping out of the box of what he thought his Inez should be.

Curiosity won out after several moments of going back and forth with arguments, and I took the iPod from him. I put the earbuds in and hit play before stepping around him.

Kristof came with me easily, and after a moment, I took one of my earbuds and put it in his hand. We were doing this together, and he’d brought me here. I wanted to share this with him as well. It seemed to make him happy, so I was glad.

And I was really glad that Darius gave me the playlist. It was full of songs about the world being brighter than most realized if people simply stopped and took a look around them. There were several about taking chances and realizing there was more for people. I liked those, but the ones that really touched me most were about loving yourself.

There were several that spoke about seeing we were all special and worth more than we accepted. That was exactly how I felt. I didn’t have any foundation of self with losing my memories, and all I had was now an overwhelming amount of everyone else’s value of me.

I wanted to value myself. I wanted to love myself.

Why was that so damn hard?

I let my thoughts and music swirl around me as we checked out all the glass formed in amazing ways. So many of the pieces gave me ideas of what to do next and pushed my idea of how glass could be worked.

I froze when we walked into one of the last rooms, Kristof almost crashing into me, but simply hugging me like that had been what we’d meant to do. It was sweet, but I was focused on what I was seeing.

Which was fucking amazing.

There were huge panels of glass that were… I didn’t know the word. They were cut into differently, so they were shaded and showed images.

“You like the etched glass pieces?” Kristof asked, moving up next to me. “I’ve always loved them. I’ve wondered how they get the colors in them as well. It’s not easy to use a sandblaster, so the talent this takes is impressive.”

It was more than that. It was profound. I felt like I was looking at a moment in time stamped into glass to be captured forever. Yes, pictures did that, and I loved pretty photos and prints. This was different; it was… It touched me. This was what I felt drawn to like others had their things.

And I couldn’t wait to try it. Well, after I saw everything there, which Kristof seemed to realize I wanted to do, and hurried me along. We spent at least two hours in that room, and he was patient with me, looking at it all as I did, making no indication he was ready to go.

When we were done, I leaned in and kissed his cheek, shocking him. I pulled the phone out that he’d given me and typed out a message, handing it to him before letting go of his hand and moving towards the door.

He was on me a moment later. “I wholeheartedly regret that I ever said I didn’t want to lie with you all night because I don’t need the sleep. Please believe me, My Princess. I swear I was confused and not understanding. I do now. I see how much easier your sleep is.” He turned me to face him. “I love it. I love having that time with you and even to relax. I don’t need the sleep, but we all need to relax more.”

I studied him and typed out my next question. “So you won’t keep passing me around like I’m an obligation you get tired of?”

“Is that what you think we feel?” he rasped, hurt in his eyes. He kept me from moving away when I tried. “Inez, I don’t feel that at all. You are my wife, and we have obligations to each other. Those were the vows we made, but you are not a hassle or—I love spending time with you. I try to be fair and not selfish with you. We all need you, not just me, and I want to respect that.”

I leaned in and snuggled with him, glad when he hugged me. I hoped that was true. It made sense, and I was sure they had told me as much before, but I didn’t always register or feel it. We couldn’t help what we felt.

I wanted to try etching glass right away. Just to play with it and see if I could do it. Kristof went to pick me up so we could blur away, but I walked across the street to a building with a lot of glass windows that were still intact. I focused on them and started to picture what I wanted to make, going back and forth between ideas, I was so excited.

“There was more to what happened than James,” Tian said from behind me. “What happened during the attack or the day after, Princess? You came out of the bathroom during that meeting and looked petrified. Why were you so scared?”

His voice was so gentle, which I’d never heard from him before, and he rarely talked to me—or probably anyone—besides about issues to handle, that it surprised me. It pulled my focus and distracted me when I had already tried to start with my power.

I was about to turn and hit him for being a jerk and pushing when people gasped or cursed around me.

Kristof grabbed me and turned me away from the building but forced me to look at him. “Inez, have they been haunting you? Have you seen Safie and Bahati since you killed them?”

I blinked at him, wondering how he’d known what I’d just been thinking, but then he spun me around to face the building. I froze in fear at what was there. That moment was stamped in the glass. It was as if they were in front of me again—simply in glass form—anger in their eyes and wanting my death.

Plus, the first time Safie had come after me also on the glass window next to me.

I whimpered and recoiled, covering my face and trying to hide away even if I knew it wasn’t real. They weren’t actually there or haunting me. The panic and fear consumed me though, and I couldn’t take the chance they wouldn’t get me. I screamed as I curled in a ball, wanting them broken and thinking the glass should shatter.

I heard yelling in the distance and felt something wet on me. It took me a moment to realize what I was seeing, and when my mind caught up, it unplugged again.

Because it was Kristof, sliced up and his eyes vacant. Dead. I’d killed my husband by losing my shit.

It turned out Safe and Bahati won over me after all, and they didn’t have to do a damn thing but simply let me self-destruct. I never felt myself hit the ground as I blacked out and hoped I joined Kristof in whatever came next instead of having to face a life where I’d killed him with my insanity.