Hell by J.L. Beck
19
Rowan
How do I know if I have tetanus?That was the first thing on my mind when I woke up this morning—whether I might end up with tetanus because of that nail last night. Wouldn’t that be hilarious in a completely fucked-up way? After all this, everything Eric and Lucian, and everybody else in my life has put me through, I could end up dying from some stupid, rusty nail.
I scroll through the links my question pulled up, then skim the first article. A person can get a tetanus shot within three days of a wound and still be okay. So at least I have that going for me. I’m not going to drop dead from lockjaw or whatever.
Though if I’m not worried about that, I have nothing else to do but think about other things. Remember them. Obsess over them.
How could he do that to me? And how could he act surprised when I called him on it?
I have to stop torturing myself about him. We’re through. Finished. Four encounters and that’s it. I should be dancing around the apartment right now. Maybe I would if I didn’t have a fricking nail wound in my leg.
Maybe I would if the thought of never seeing Lucian again didn’t make me feel sort of empty inside. Or like I’m dangling in midair. Waiting to drop so my feet will touch something solid again. It’s not so much that I want to see him, really—I mean, he’s the last person I want to see right now. But the sense of there being unfinished stuff between us makes me uncomfortable.
So does the wound on my leg. I should get it checked out and probably get a shot before my lungs stop working or whatever is supposed to happen. I didn’t want to delve too deep into what the internet had to say because sometimes they like to sneak gross medical pictures in articles, and I hate those.
One problem: I don’t have insurance. Not like a single shot should cost all that much, but who knows? And it’s not like anybody will give me a straight answer if I ask before they stick me. Dammit, this isn’t my fault. I didn’t do anything to hurt myself. I tried to stop before the damn nail stuck me.
Lucian should pay for it. He has that doctor of his. She seemed legit enough. I wonder if she could help. Either way, this should be up to him since he’s the one who hurt me.
I only have Alexei’s number in my phone, though. So he’ll have to put us in touch—no, better yet, he can pass the message on to Lucian. I don’t want to hear his voice. It’s not like I want to hear Alexei’s, either, but either I deal with him or possibly get sick. I might have ten grand in the bank, but that doesn’t mean I want to blow all of it on medical bills. “Alexei, it’s Rowan. Can you do me a favor?”
He grunts. “Why would I do that?”
“Because I need a favor, and you’re the only way for me to get in touch with your boss. I have to go to the doctor to get a tetanus shot after getting stuck with a nail at the cabin last night, and I’m not paying for it.” Sure, that sounds strong and decisive.
He’s quiet for a few seconds, and I’m afraid I crossed a line I didn’t know existed. “Fine.” And that’s it. Call over. What am I supposed to do with that? It’s not my fault Lucian didn’t want me to have his number. It’s okay for him to shove a plug up my ass, but god forbid I call him on the phone.
Maybe ten seconds pass before my phone rings. “Rowan. What is this about needing a doctor?”
The sound of Lucian’s voice makes my heart race, and not in a good way. I feel a little sick, overwhelmed, jittery. “Like I told Alexei, I need a tetanus shot after getting hurt. I have no idea the last time I had one. Probably when I was little.” All that fake strength I had with Alexei is gone. What is it about this man?
“Of course. You need attention. I should’ve thought about it last night.” He sounds snappy, almost angry. At himself or at me? “I’ll have Rick drive me over—”
“No. I don’t want to see you. I’m not kidding. But I think you should have to pay for it.”
“Right. It’s only fair.” It doesn’t sound like he thinks it’s all that fair. “I’ll send Alexei.” Why do I feel like he’s punishing me? He’s got to know I wouldn’t want to hang out with Alexei, either. I doubt he will take no for an answer, though, so I don’t bother fighting. What matters is getting to the doctor.
I end the call before he can pull me into a conversation I don’t feel like having. What if he shows up anyway, even when I told him not to? What will I do? I’ll have to figure it out, I guess. I don’t owe him anything. He’s not in control. I should be able to tell him to go fuck himself if he can’t take no for an answer.
How much more could he do to me? Maybe I shouldn’t think too much about that.
I’m watching from the window as a familiar black car rolls up to the curb in front of the building. Is he in there? I can’t believe I’m holding my breath, but I am. I don’t even know for sure whether I want Lucian to be in the car or not. No, I don’t want to see him. But… I sort of do. I know that now. I can talk about closure all I want, but the bottom line is, I don’t like the thought of never being with him again.
It’s Alexei who steps out of the car and opens the back door. Nobody comes out. He’s waiting for me. The text he sends a second later confirms it. I’m here. Let’s go. Pleasant, as always.
I take my time, though. Just because he snaps his fingers doesn’t mean I have to come running. I brush my hair, put on a little lip gloss, then slide into a pair of flats before grabbing my purse and heading for the door. Alexei scowls at me when I reach him. “Took you long enough.” He waits until I’m in the back seat before slamming the door.
The energy in the car is sour, heavy. I stare out the window as he drives us wherever we’re going. Why bother asking? It’s not like I’ll get a straight answer anyway. By the time we reach a small, brick office building in the middle of nowhere, we’ve been on the road for almost forty-five minutes. This isn’t like the cabin situation, though. We’re not in the woods. More like a secluded little hideaway with trees and a freshly mowed lawn the size of a football field.
I hesitate rather than getting out of the car right away. Alexei peers at me. “Well? You gonna get out or what?”
“Where are we?” There aren’t any signs around saying this is a doctor’s office or any kind of office. He could’ve brought me to some kind of torture chamber for all I know.
He nods toward the building. “It’s where the doc lives. Boss set it up. She doesn’t, you know, have an office.” He clears his throat, and that sound expresses a whole lot of things he either doesn’t want to say or isn’t at liberty to explain. Either way, I get the message. A regular doctor doesn’t make the sort of house call she did.
Here goes nothing.
* * *
He’s waitingfor me outside the car, munching on an apple. There’s something so normal about it, I could almost laugh. Sliding his aviators down the bridge of his nose, he looks me over. “You okay?”
“Yeah, she gave me a shot, made sure the puncture was clean. A little ointment for the pain.”
“Good.” He tosses the apple core into some bushes before moving toward the rear driver’s side door—then stops when I hold up a hand.
“Can I sit up front with you?”
“Huh?”
“I hate riding in the back like that. It makes me feel weird.” I can tell this is unusual for him. “Sorry. Didn’t mean to short circuit your brain or anything.”
All he does is sigh, closing the door before walking around the car and opening the passenger door for me. I climb in, and he closes it, then walks around again, muttering to himself. Probably wondering what he’s supposed to do with me sitting next to him for the better part of an hour.
We’re barely off the property before he asks if I’m hungry. I didn’t expect that question. “Want to go to a drive-thru on the way back?” he suggests as we pull out onto the tree-lined road.
“Yeah, that would be good.” I was a little too distracted to eat this morning. “Thanks.”
“Sure.” He taps his fingers against the wheel before reaching for the radio controls. “You want music?”
“If you want.” He turns it on and finds something surprisingly quiet, sort of nice. Easy listening, I think they call it. It fits with the pretty area we’re in. I can almost imagine we’re on a nice country drive. “I wonder if people take them anymore.”
“Hmm?”
I didn’t mean to say that part out loud. “Drives. Just driving for the sake of driving. When I was little, we were pretty poor, and sometimes all my mom could afford to do was take me for a drive someplace. When gas wasn’t too expensive.”
“Too much other stuff to do.” He snorts. “You can go on YouTube and watch a video somebody took of a drive they went on.”
I can’t help but laugh. “Right? It’s so bizarre, like videos of people opening boxes. They’re so popular. I don’t get it.”
“If there’s one thing I’ve learned working for the boss, it’s that you can’t figure out what people are into.”
“I guess you see a lot.”
“I do.” I can see him glancing my way from behind his sunglasses. “It’s not always fun. I guess I want you to know that. We’ve all got shit we’re trying to take care of, you know? Lucian pays well. That kind of money takes care of a lot of shit.”
There’s something in his voice I’ve never heard before. Like there might be a human being in there. “I never thought of it that way, I have to admit.”
“Everybody’s got a cross to bear. Something my mom used to say when I was a kid. She can’t say much of anything anymore.”
I think I get the message he’s trying to send. He has people he takes care of. He was probably in the same sort of spot I was in or something close to it. Desperate. Who’s going to say no to that kind of money when they have a shit ton of medical bills piling up? I know how that goes, for sure.
He looks my way again. “Shit went bad last time you were with him.”
“Shit went bad the last two times,” I point out.
“You mean when you passed out from an orgasm? Yes, it looked like you had a terrible time.”
My face suddenly feels like it’s on fire. Sometimes I forget that Alexei fucked me at the club. Probably my mind suppressing it.
“It was intense, you were overwhelmed, but you weren’t hurt.”
“No, not that time… but it’s not just about physical injury; it’s not just the nail thing. I trusted him, and he broke that trust—both times.”
“So that’s what made it so different for both of you?”
I nod slowly. “Is he pissed?”
“No. I wouldn’t use that word—though if he is, I think he’s more pissed at himself than anybody else. Not at you. He freaked out when I told him you wanted to go to the doctor. He went all pale.”
It’s tempting to imagine that. “Yeah, probably because he was afraid I’d sue or something.”
“No. It wasn’t like that. I’ve never seen him like this before.”
I chew my lip as the scenery around us changes. There’s a strip mall up ahead with a handful of chain restaurants in the parking lot. “Can we stop up there for a burger?”
He nods and pulls the car into the lot. It’s no surprise that he orders two double burgers and an extra-large fry. I settle on a single burger and a soda.
It’s strangely normal, sitting here like this. Eating fast food in a parking lot like we’re just two people hanging out. Somehow, that gives me the courage to talk to him like I’d talk to a normal person. “What do you mean, you’ve never seen Lucian like this before? What’s so different about him now?”
He snorts before polishing off his first burger. “He’s different. I don’t know. Like he really cares about you.”
I can’t believe how much I want to believe that. “He has an odd way of showing it, doesn’t he?”
“He does, though. Just remember there might be things you don’t know about.”
Oh, that makes me feel a lot better. “Like what?”
“Just things.” I’m pretty sure he finishes his second burger in all of three bites. “He cares a lot more about you than I’ve ever seen him care about anybody, and I’ve been working for him a long time. And no, he didn’t tell me to say that, so don’t bother asking.”
That makes me laugh again because I was going to say something like that. “Fine. I’ll trust you.” Even if I don’t know what to think about it. One more layer to the mystery that is Lucian.
By the time we reach my building, it’s almost like we’re friends. Every day brings a new surprise, I guess. “Thanks for the ride and for everything else.” I even feel a little regretful, like I don’t want to go back upstairs by myself. Since when is Alexei good company?
Something else hits me around the same time. I glance up at the window, wondering. “Would you mind coming up with me and looking around, just in case?”
“In case of what?”
“You know.” Is he going to make me say it? “In case anybody is waiting for me.”
“Like Eric, you mean?” He shakes his head. “Listen. I’m only gonna say it once. You don’t have to worry about him ever again.”
I take a step back, looking him up and down. “What’s that mean?”
“It means what it means. You’re safe now.” He whistles softly to himself as he gets back in the car. “Go up. He’ll be pissed if I don’t tell him I watched you go in.” He’s probably right. I go in and hope he’s right about me being safe, too.
When I open the door, I find a piece of paper on the floor, like somebody slid it underneath. That’s not the only thing that catches my attention, either. The keypad mounted to the wall is new.
So is the furniture in the living room. Entirely new, down to the TV and the console it’s sitting on. It’s enough of a surprise to freeze me in place—though once the surprise wears off, I bolt for the bedroom. Sure enough, I have a new bed, a new dresser, and a nightstand. Everything’s new, and it doesn’t look cheap.
I finally think to take a look at the paper. It’s from the security company that installed the alarm system I didn’t order, explaining how to use it, how to set my code, all of it.
It wasn’t enough to make sure I got to the doctor. He had to buy me an apartment full of new furniture and a security system, too. Is this what Alexei means when he says Lucian cares about me?
