Hell by J.L. Beck

20

Lucian

“How is she?” I can’t believe how it seems everything in my life hinges upon Alexei’s answer. The way I’ve sat here, my guts churning, berating myself for hurting her. For being the reason she had to see the doctor. That’s the last thing I want for her.

“Fine. Probably wondering where all that furniture came from.”

I wave a hand at this. “She needed it. And the security system. God knows. But she’s all right?”

“She’s all right.” I pretend not to notice the knowing little smirk he’s wearing as he leaves my office. It eats me up inside, knowing how obvious it must be to everyone around me that Rowan is more than a financial transaction.

She’s the only woman in my employment who’s ever stirred more than my cock, and I let her down. I hurt her. She has every reason to hate me. Here I am, priding myself on discipline and control, and I hurt the only woman I’ve ever cared anything about.

Who am I? What does any of this say about me? I’m not who I thought I was. Above messiness, above feelings. Above guilt.

There’s work to be done. Books to be checked, numbers to be run. It’s days like this I wish I could hire someone to keep things going smoothly, but I don’t trust anyone as much as I trust myself. This is too important to let some idiot screw up which set of books is which.

Though at the rate I’m going, I could very well end up being that idiot. I can’t get Rowan out of my head. I’m staring at numbers, but all I see is her.

The hatred in her eyes. Cold, hard. The pain, thanks to me.

There I was, wondering if there was a way I could prolong our relationship. I know this is about more than fulfilling some kinky fantasy—there are countless women I could use for that, women who work under this roof. Women who will owe me money one day and just don’t know it yet. There are countless ways to procure partners.

I don’t want them. I want her. All of her, all the time. Every day. There has to be a way.

How does a man convince a woman to be in a relationship? The whole romance thing has never held much interest for me. I’m nobody’s idea of a hero.

I already sent her an entire apartment worth of furniture. Not as a bribe but as a way to show I care. She hasn’t even called to say thank you. I doubt she’d be any better impressed if I sent flowers, a car, the deed to a house. Besides, I don’t want to earn her that way. She’s worth more than anything money could buy.

Besides, something tells me she would see straight through it.

How does a man show a woman he wants nobody but her? I’m so desperate, even the idea of googling pops up in my head as an option. The woman has no idea what she’s done to me, how low she’s taken me. Maybe we’ll laugh about this one day.

“Boss? We’ve got a problem downstairs.”

I press the button to open the door, rubbing my temples as I do. Like I need another problem today. “What is it?”

Alexei looks ready to kill. “Glen’s back. He wants Rowan.”

“Excuse me?” I stand slowly. “He wants what?”

“Rowan. He won’t take no for an answer.” He gestures toward the open door. “He’s losing his shit down there. Screaming that he wants her, and he won’t leave until he gets what he paid for.”

I’ll fucking kill him.

My arm sweeps over the desk, scattering everything across the floor. It doesn’t do anything to calm the rage burning through me, white-hot flames scorching me from the inside out. To think he believes he deserves to touch her. To breathe the same air. She’s so far above him; it’s amazing he can even see her.

“I want him taken care of.” I’m staring down at my desk and the wreckage all over the floor. “Now. Get him out of here and see to it he doesn’t come back. He’s not welcome here anymore.” I lift my head, my eyes meeting his, so he knows I’m serious. “And if anybody else even thinks about touching her, I’ll kill them—all of them. I want you to make sure everybody understands that from here on out. Got it?”

“Got it.” There’s even what sounds like satisfaction in his voice. The door clicks shut, and I’m alone with my rage.

There’s only one way to quiet it. Not calling one of the girls up to dance for me. Not fucking someone, anyone, no matter how nasty I decide to get.

I decide to drive myself rather than asking one of the men to do it. They’ll be busy with Glen. One less problem for me to think about. It isn’t like we’re hurting for the money he gladly hands over. And it’s not as if there aren’t ten freaks right behind him, glad to hand over any amount of money so long as they can get what they need.

It’s late, at least for people whose work is done in the daytime. For me, eleven o’clock might as well be morning. It’s the time things begin to get interesting around the club. Yet most so-called normal people are inside, watching the news or something just as boring at this time of night. Traffic is light as a result, and it takes no more than a few minutes for me to reach Rowan’s building.

There’s a light burning in her window. She’s still awake. I don’t know what to do now—for once, I didn’t have the next step planned in advance. I want to go up there, but something tells me that would only make things worse. I don’t need her using that expensive new alarm system to bring the cops over.

As it turns out, she makes up my mind for me. I’ve just decided to watch her window, to soothe myself with the knowledge that Rowan is safe and maybe jerk off in the car to relieve my tension when the front door to the building swings open and she steps out. She doesn’t notice me, making a right turn at the bottom of the steps and heading down the sidewalk at a quick clip.

I can’t stop myself from getting out of the car and calling out to her over the hood. “Rowan.”

She stops dead, eyes going round when she spots me coming her way. “Stop. Leave me alone.”

I finish rounding the car but stay back before she can scream and alert a passing driver. “What are you doing, going out at this time of night?”

She blinks rapidly, frowning. “I wanted a pint of ice cream and milk for tomorrow morning. What’s it to you?”

Her flash of anger is a turn-on, honestly. I’d normally warn a woman against talking to me that way but coming from her, it’s refreshing. I don’t even blame her for it. Hell, I’m surprised she even says a word to me. This is better than nothing.

She’s waiting for a response. “It’s not safe for you to walk around at this time of night.”

“I’m going to the corner.” She folds her arms. “By the way, thanks for breaking into my apartment and having that furniture delivered. And the alarm system, very generous. I didn’t ask for any of that.”

“You didn’t have to. It’s what you deserve.”

“What about last night? Is that what I deserved?”

“I can make it up to you.”

She snickers. “Come on. Do you know who that sounds like? I’ve heard it before. I’ll never do it again. I’ll make it up to you.” She holds up her hands, backing away. “No offense, but I’m not trying to get myself into the same fucked-up nightmare all over again.”

“It wouldn’t be like that.”

“That’s so easy to say.”

“It’s the truth. I’m not that kind of man. You should know that by now.”

“I don’t know any such thing. You lied to me. You told me what I wanted to hear so you could have what you wanted.” Now she wraps her arms around herself, and I realize she’s shaking. “You haven’t proved you’re a good man. I don’t want to stick around and find out what else you’re capable of.”

“I’ll prove it, then. We can come up with a new arrangement, and you can have a say in it.” I have to hold back before I start babbling like some frantic idiot. She has far too much power over me, but there’s nothing I can do about it. I’m too far gone.

For a moment, I think she might come around. It looks like she wants to. Like she’s fighting with herself because, at her core, she knows I’m telling the truth. Because she wants it to be the truth.

“Rowan. You can trust me.” I reach for her—sure she’ll let me touch her—but she flinches away, shaking her head.

“No. I don’t trust you.” She backs away, farther down the sidewalk. “I need time. Leave me alone, please. I have to think things over.”

“Just tell me there’s a chance. That’s all I need now, to know there’s a chance of us working something out.”

She bites down on her lip, brows drawing together. “I don’t know. That’s the best I can say. I don’t know if there’s any future here.” With one more look, she turns away, walking fast with her head down. For once, there’s nothing I can do but watch. For once, I can’t make another person do what I want.