Ryker by Jeneveir Evans
Chapter 41
Never forget the nine most important words of any family - I love you. You are beautiful. Please forgive me.
~H. Jackson Brown, Jr.~
Deb
November 27th, 1999
I thought about backing out and not going to the club’s Thanksgiving dinner. I even told Brax that I would keep the kids at home, that it would be easier on everyone. He wouldn’t hear of it. Gunny and Julie wanted the kids there so they could visit with them.
Since Brax had been home, Gunny and Julie had stepped into the role of the kids’ grandparents, doing it for their family and long-time friends, Undertaker and Pennie. They’d raised Brax for six years. They thought of him as another son regardless of whether he thought of them as parents. Besides, without them, the kids wouldn’t have any grandparents.
I’d laughed the first time I’d heard what Gunny and Julie wanted the kids to call them. But it made sense since that is what their oldest grandson Jett had decided, in a roundabout way, that is what they were going to be called.
The way I heard it, Jett refused to say grandpa and grandma. He’d heard his mom always address them as Gunny and Julie and that was what he was going to call them too. Only Jett hadn’t been able to say their entire names and the end result was GunGun and JuJu. It had stuck and that is what he still called them to this day. Brax’s kids called them that too.
Once we were in the Clubhouse, I’d gotten the kids settled in the dining room. Thank goodness, the youngest two had their sippy cups with them. That should keep some of the liquid mess down. There weren't any guarantees about the food.
I spent the majority of my time going back and forth between the kid’s table and the Originals’ table. I’d decided that was where I would sit. If Ry hadn’t been here, I’d probably have sat at Dog’s table.
I was in the kitchen throwing away the kids’ trash when Bane walked in. I had been doing a lot of thinking lately. I had so much running through my brain that it felt like it never shut down. That had made for some sleepless nights.
I hadn’t been able to talk to Bane lately other than texts or short phone calls. When he got home from work, I was working. When I got off, he was going to bed. I didn’t want to bother him on the weekends. I knew he was spending that time with his siblings. This was the first time I had seen him since Vision came home and that day it had only been for a brief short period.
“Hey, Mom. How are you doing?” he asked as he looked at the desserts.
“I’m okay. Bane,” I said softly as I walked up to him. “Do you have a few minutes to talk?”
“Yeah, Mom.”
“Can we go outside?”
“Sure.”
He followed me out the door. There were several of the older teens outside sitting at tables and some of the kids were playing at the playground. It was already dark but the area was well lit. I headed toward a picnic table where we could have some privacy.
As we sat down, he looked at me intently.
“What’s wrong, Mom?”
I sighed. “Bane, I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching the last few weeks. While I’ve apologized about not telling you about Ryker, I feel like there’s something else I need to apologize for.”
He looked at me puzzled.
“Mom, other than the stuff with Dad, you haven’t done anything to apologize for.”
“I think otherwise, Bane.” I felt a tear slide down my face. Every time I thought about this, it damn near eviscerated me. I still can’t believe I had failed my son so horribly.
“Talk to me, Mom.”
“Bane,” I murmured. “I’m so sorry I didn’t know you were suffering from depression. That you were dealing with things that were riding you hard. There were times I knew you came home from school upset, but whenever I asked you what was wrong, you would brush it off and say that it really wasn’t nothing to be concerned about, that someone had made you mad that day. I should have known something was wrong.”
He reached across the table and grabbed my hands that I had unconsciously been wringing.
“Mom, listen to me,” his voice came out firm. “You have nothing to apologize for. I did everything in my power to keep the shit that was in my head away from everyone. Hell, Mom. Eagle was with me more than anyone and I managed to keep it from him.”
“But I’m your mom, Bane,” I protested.
“Yes you are, but that doesn’t make you God. Mom, I didn’t want you to know about it. I didn’t want anyone to know about it. And, Mom, those times you asked me if everything was okay, I could have told you then if I had wanted you to know. But I didn’t want you to know the shit that was going on in my head. I didn’t want anyone to think I was crazy.”
“See, I knew you were upset those times. I should have pushed harder and I didn’t. I just figured it was a beef with your friends. I’m so sorry I failed you, Bane.”
“I don’t want to hear you say that shit anymore, got me? You didn’t fail me. Not in that. Yes, I got mad when you wouldn’t tell me about Dad. It used to infuriate me. I couldn’t understand why you just wouldn’t tell me. Leigh told me to let it go, that you had to have a good reason because you weren’t the type of person to deliberately keep someone out of our lives if you felt they should have been there.
“Still it wasn’t something I could let go of. God knows I tried, but I couldn’t. But, Mom, that shit with Dad is water under the bridge now. I’ve worked on it with Bryn and I’ve finally been able to let it go. Sure, the main reason I have is because Dad is in my life now, yet I have let it go.
“As for the other, there’s nothing to apologize for. I’m damn good at hiding shit if I want.”
“Yeah, unfortunately I’ve learned that the hard way,” I muttered.
I watched Bane stand up and walked to my side of the table. He held his hand out to me and I grabbed his and stood. He pulled me into his arms, wrapping me up in a snug embrace. I felt him kiss the top of my head and I squeezed him hard.
“I love you, Mom. You’ve been a wonderful mother to Leigh and me. We’ve been lucky to have you in our corner. You’ve always put us first and done everything you could for us. Don’t forget that, Mom.”
I nodded my head against his chest and I drank in the feel of my son’s arms around me. I don't get hugs like this often anymore.
“I love you, Bane,” I whispered.
With one more squeeze, he released me.
“We good?” he questioned.
“Yeah, son. We’re good.”
As we walked back inside, I knew that even though I’d told him we were good, that not knowing he had fought demons over half his life would always haunt me. I would always wonder how I could have missed something like that with my son. It was a hard subject with which to reconcile.
After talking with Bane, I checked the kids again then went back to the Originals’ table. I forced myself to listen to the conversation. I tried to participate in it, but my mind kept drifting. It didn’t matter what I did, how hard I concentrated on what everyone was saying, my gaze kept going back to Ry.
He had Dane cuddled in his arms. It was so very obvious how much he was enjoying holding our grandson. Bane and Trina’s words echoed in my thoughts. Ry had always wanted kids.
God. He had really wanted kids.
There was no way he could fake the contented expression I saw on his face when he looked at Dane. The amount of love he sent shining down at Dane almost hurt to see. I bit back a whimper when I realized what I had done.
If I had only told Ry about Bane, then the kids would have always had him in their lives. I might have even had him in my life. Bane and Trina both said he still cared for me. I’d heard the heartache in his voice when he’d tried to talk to me that day at the playground. It hadn’t been faked.
But I had hurt for so many years from the pain of the last day I’d seen him at HR’s camp that I wasn’t sure if I could let that go. There were so many things I wondered.
Why didn’t he tell me he had an Old Lady to begin with? Why didn’t he stop her from coming into the tent that day? Why did he have his arm around her when I walked out of the tent? Why didn’t he say anything to me before I left? Why did he just send me away? Wasn’t I important enough to him to fight for? Why didn’t he fight for me? Why? There were so many whys that I didn’t have answers for.
I sighed as I stared blindly across the room. Bane had been right about one thing. I’d always gone to the rally to have a good time and hook up with guys. At first, Ry hadn’t owed me any information about his life. But after he told me I was his, why didn’t he say something then about her?
God, she had been such a smug bitch. I’d wanted to get up and slap the hell out of her that day she was spewing all that shit at me. Yet I had been so shocked to find out that Ry even had an Old Lady, I didn’t even consider defending myself.
The unanswered questions just kept racing through my head. If he had cared about me, why didn’t he stop her from coming into the tent? Had he not seen her? The answer to that was I knew he had. He’d been standing by the fire with his arm around her shoulders when I left the tent. He’d looked at me and I could tell he was upset but he hadn’t said a word to me. Not one single word. Instead, he told a prospect in his club to take me into Sturgis and drop me off.
I’d been left on the sidewalk in the middle of town like I was a two-bit hooker. I had often wondered if that was what he thought I was. For months after I had gotten home, whether I’d wanted to or not, I’d gone over every single moment we’d ever spent together. I’d hunted for clues to see if he’d ever indicated that he thought I was anything other than a casual fuck. But he hadn’t treated me that way.
Instead, from the day we skinny-dipped, he’d told me over and over that I was his and only his. What was I supposed to think when he told me that? How else was I supposed to take what he said other than he was claiming me as his?
Oh, how it had burned that he hadn’t said anything to me before I left. There hadn’t been a ‘It’s been fun,’ or a ‘Bye’ or even a ‘Later.’ Not one single syllable came out of his mouth to me. Not one.
I’d been left feeling like I wasn’t worth anything to him. That had cut deep. I’d been left with my heart in tatters. I’d come home, held Bane close to me, and licked my wounds in private. Other than with Bane, I’d become an emotionless zombie. I’d gone mindlessly through the days. It had taken me months before I thought I could breathe again. Then I found out I was pregnant with Leigh and everything crashed in on me again. There had been times I’d wondered if I would ever come out of my funk of despair.
A loud burst of laughter drew me out of my thoughts. I mentally shook myself to get my mind back to the present. I found my gaze drawn back to Ry and I ached with longing.
I knew I shouldn’t, but I longed to feel his arms around me. I longed to feel his lips on mine. I longed to feel his body pressed against me. And, God help me, but I longed to feel Ry deep inside me again. I needed him to make me whole once more.
~***~