Whipping Girl by L. Jacobs
Chapter 2 – Alexander - 14 years ago
“You’ve done very well, Alexander, you have exceeded every one of my expectations of you.” Link says with a fake smile. I wish I could say that I felt anything at his praise but I don’t, I don’t feel much of anything at all anymore. Have you ever wondered how monsters were born? I have the answer for you. We weren't born this way, we were made, or more specifically- Men like Link and the Organization that he runs makes us into the beasts that we are. I don’t know if I was ever what anyone would consider normal, he did choose me for a reason after all, but I do know without a doubt that these people made it impossible for me to have a chance at any kind of normality. “I’ve talked with your direct Handlers.” My eyes stray toward my Handlers for a split second, Ivan and Peter are both standing stoically against the wall but I see Ivan’s lip is turned up at the corner in his version of a smile. “We’ve all agreed that since you were able to complete your last assignment without hesitation, for that you’ve earned… your Gift.”
My heart stutters at his words but I don’t let it show, not even an irregular breath, I know that if I show any kind of emotion in this moment then I will have failed some kind of test. Link narrows his eyes on me waiting and probably hoping for any kind of reaction but I remain stoic, my mask firmly in place. A barely there smile touches his lips but I feel no relief, I’ve witnessed him kill with a smile on his face. After a moment he nods toward Peter and Ivan in approval and I feel like I can breathe again.
Finally, I will have my purpose in life, a reason for all of this. I have been starved, beaten, electrocuted, water boarded and unloved for four years, I have had no possessions of my own, very little interaction, and I am told regularly that this girl, my Gift, that I have never met is the only one who could ever love me. I have seen the look on Link’s face time and time again that he wanted and even wished for my end, yet I have excelled at any and everything that he has thrown my way. After being locked in a room with no human contact for weeks on end, my handlers would tell me that if I succeed in my missions, if I make sure never to fail them then they will issue me my Gift, she is what I have been striving for all this time.And she is the reason that I’ve made my first kill, I earned her with my steady hands. “We just so happen to have her right here, Alex. Would you like to meet her?” Again I remain completely dispassionate, an emotionless machine but my insides are beyond control with want. Need.
“Yes, Sir.” I’m allowed to want her, I’m just not allowed to show that want outwardly. My room is small, completely white with only a bed, a table with two black chairs, a door leading to a small, white bathroom. Almost everything in this building is white other than the black accents and the clothes that we are issued. It’s not much but it’s really all that I know, I don’t know what my Gift is used to but I hope she likes it or at the very least, I hope she feels comfortable here with me.
Our Gifts are the biggest motivators for what we do, this is our reward for being the best of the best, for following every and all orders. We are also compensated monetarily when we get contracted out but I don’t know what I could ever spend it on, it’s not as if we are allowed out of The Guard for playtime, I wouldn’t even know what normal 10 year old boys my age spend their money on.
“Bring her in.” Link says, just loud enough for Peter and Ivan to hear. I hold my breath as Peter opens the door wide enough for John, another handler, to walk through, I barely notice the big man because the girl he drags through after him has every molecule of my attention. “Alexander, this is your Gift, Allyanna. Allyanna this is Alexander, your Guardian.” I conceal myself well, I know that I do, not only because of my training but because I am frozen in place. The world shifts around me but all I can do is stare at her. I have been waiting, wanting and yearning for this moment for as long as I can remember. I don’t even think I have real memories anymore, only the feeling of needing this... needing her.
Allyanna stands there, big, green, frightened eyes land on mine and she holds my stare somewhat intensely as if she too knows how important this moment is for the two of us. We’re connected, from here on out we are each other’s person, my life depends on hers as hers depends on mine. I don’t know how to properly describe how I feel in this moment, I don't think there are actual words to explain how it feels to meet the one person who is meant for you and only you. She looks to be about four years younger than I am, maybe six years old, she’s so small that I’m not really sure but it doesn’t matter, the only thing that matters is that we’re finally together. Her light, blonde hair is straight and hangs a couple of inches past her shoulders with a little curl at the ends, I can’t help but want to touch it to see if it feels as soft as it looks, like silk. She seems familiar in a way but it takes me a few minutes to pinpoint why. Natalia. She reminds me of my favorite caregiver and I wonder if Link choose her on purpose, maybe as a taunt of some sort, but the joke would be on him… instead of making me sad it makes me happy. Allyanna has on a teal sundress that seems to make her pale skin almost glow with an ethereal quality, I try to enjoy the color on her while I can, she’ll be issued the customary black uniform soon, we all have to wear it. It won't matter though, she’ll look like an angel in anything she wears. My angel.
“Let’s let these two get acquainted.” Peter’s voice always reminds me of coagulated blood, disgusting and slimy. His nasally tone usually grates on my nerves but I’m grateful for his suggestion, I want to be alone with Allyanna.
“Forty eight hours, Alexander.” Link warns. I keep my eyes on Allyanna but watch in my peripheral as the older men walk through the open door, closing it behind them. Forty eight hours isn’t nearly enough but I don’t have a choice, I’ll just have to make the most of every second that I have with her.
“Allyanna.” I whisper out loud, wanting to hear it from my own mouth. Her eyes widen and she steps back from me, confusion clouds my judgement when I quickly walk toward her, just wanting to ease her distress but she cries out when I get close, holding her palm out to ward me away. I feel pain in my chest at the obvious rejection. She doesn’t want me? Years and years of waiting, killing myself in training, and absolute focus to have her reject me? I stop walking toward her but only for a moment. I won’t let her pull away from me, not ever.
I walk closer, watching as she sits down on the floor and brings her knees to her chest, curling herself into a little ball. She pushes herself into the wall behind her when I squat before her, it’s like she’s trying to escape through the thick cement walls. I would tell her that it’s no use, that there is no escape from this place but I don’t want to frighten her even more than she already seems to be.
“I don’t want you to be afraid of me.” I tell her softly. “I’d never let anything hurt you.” I feel more than see her fear mixing with confusion at my declaration, did she think that I was going to hurt her? Maybe she doesn’t fully understand everything that’s happening yet but I’ll show her with time that she’s safe with me.
“I-I’m scared.” Her small voice has me sitting beside her before she can move away, I prop my back against the cold, concrete wall, grabbing her little hand I pull her gingerly toward me until she’s huddled into my side. She places her head into my chest and throws an arm around my waist, burrowing into me as much as she can, as if I were a shield to protect her. I like that a lot, I want her to see me as her shield and when I get bigger and stronger I’ll teach her how to use me as her weapon as well.
“You don’t need to be scared of anything, you can give me every single one of your fears and I will destroy them.” I tell her quietly. Allyanna lifts her face to mine and her large eyes search my face, I think she’s looking for any deceit in my statement but she won't find any. I may only be 10 years old but I’ve lived a thousand, every hour of my life feels as if it has cost me a hundred in this place, if she had an inkling of the things that I’ve seen and had to do to get her here with me then she wouldn’t be curling closer to me right now. I’ll protect her from that as well, I’ll never tell her what kind of darkness lives inside me.
“I want my Mommy.” She whimpers, pushing into me just a little bit tighter. I feel a pinch in my chest at her admission but I push it away, happy that I finally have her with me.
“I know.” I say simply, unable to relate but understanding her painful need to be with her loved ones.
“Did they take you from your mommy and daddy too?” Her breath hitches with her question and I lift my hand so I can wipe a tear that falls from her lightly freckled face, I love those freckles, her skin is so soft, it feels like satin under my callused fingers.
“No, I don’t have parents.” I answer.
“Everybody has parents, how else would you be born?” Her innocence is so sweet and endearing that I wish I could answer her in a way that wouldn't make her lose a part of that.
“My parents are dead.” She gasps at my statement, her tears falling faster in sympathy of the pain she probably thinks that I still feel. I don’t want her to cry for me, I know she misses her family but I just got mine.
“I’m so sorry, Alexander.” She sobs and squeezes me to her. I don’t like that she’s sad but it feels so nice to have her next to me, I like that she no longer seems afraid of me. This can be our safe place, nothing can touch us in here while we are together.
“It’ll get easier, I promise.” I tell her softly. I feel bad that she was taken specifically for me. I’m not sorry that she’s here but sorry that it makes her feel any kind of emotional pain. “I can be your family now. I’ll never let anyone take you from me.” I promise her softly. Her big green eyes lift to search my brown ones and I know without a doubt that I will keep my promise to her. She’s mine now and if anyone ever tries to take her from me I’ll use every skill they ever taught me to get her back.
Our 48 hours together were the best two days of my life. Ally, as she likes to be called, filled me in on her family… her parents, an older brother- Brayden and a younger sister- Elisha, they all lived together in Seattle but she was taken while they were on a family trip to Florida while visiting her Father’s parents. It sounds like they didn't have a lot of money but it never stopped them from giving her everything that she needed. She says that she and her siblings loved to put on plays for their parents, they would make up story lines then play them out, quite dramatically if you ask me, in front of the adults. I don’t relate to most of what she speaks of but I find her enthusiasm extremely fascinating, I love it when she speaks of them if only to watch her laugh and smile as she tells me her stories. Ally is the most beautiful person that I have ever met, she has an energy about her that cannot be contested. I hope that she never loses that. I don’t have much that I can share with her, I don’t remember any kind of family but I tell her about Natalia, all of the little details that I remember. I’m not allowed to speak of the contracts that I have been assigned to but I ask a lot of questions to fill any silences. I know all about her house- the color, street, neighbors, size of the fence, I ask it all, I soak up every bit of information that I can gleam from her so that I can know her in a way that nobody else ever will. She clings to me at lights out, she’s afraid of the dark and holds me so tightly that I can’t move but I don’t mind at all because I cling to her just as tightly.
“It’s almost time.” My chest feels heavy with my pronouncement. The possibility of letting her go seems impossible but I know that I have to, I don’t have a choice.
“No! I want to stay here with you.” She’s laying at my side on our bed, both arms wrapped around me.
“I want you to stay too but it's just not possible. I’ll see you very soon, Ally, I promise.” I sit up, bringing her with me, we still have a few minutes but I want her to be better prepared. I don’t want her to feel like she’s being taken from me, I want her to feel like I will do anything to see her again, which I will. Anything.
“Don’t let them take me. Please. Why can’t I stay in here with you?” Her tears rip my chest apart. How can I make her understand? We're both so young but I have the advantage of knowing that nothing is fair, that we don’t always get what we want, she was taken from her parents but she doesn't truly understand the full consequences of that. I understand it all but it still doesn’t take away from gut twisting fear that maybe they will take her away from me for good so what chance can she possibly have of fully knowing what to expect?
“Ally.. I’ll see you so soon that you won’t even miss me, alright? You’re my priority, I will see you the first chance that I get.” I practically beg her to understand, to not make this even harder on both if us. She starts crying harder and I don’t know what to do, how to make it easier on her. I think quickly, reaching into my pocket to pull out the necklace that I usually always have on me. “I have something for you.” I gingerly clasp the necklace around her neck and pull the heart shaped pendant to the front where she can see it. She clasps it in her small hand and brings it up to where she can see it, her big eyes taking in the filigree design then looking at me in question. “Listen to me.” I hold her small face framed in my palms. Hoping she’s not too young to understand. “This used to belong to Natalia, she was the only person that I had ever cared about. I lost her but I promise that I’ll never lose you. I learned my lesson and it will never happen again. I’m yours and you’re mine. Go with them, hold your head high and know that I am doing everything that I can to get you back to me. Can you do that for me, Angel?” I search her watery, emerald eyes as she searches my brown, dry ones, I almost wish that I was still able to shed tears so that she could see that this was just as difficult for me but I can’t. All I can do is hug and hold her until the doors open, I hear the metallic click of the lock and stand, bringing my girl to stand before me. I whisper low enough that only she will hear, “I am your family now and I will always protect you.”
“Please don’t let them take me.” She wails as she clings to me. It takes every ounce of my self-control not to launch at Peter and Ivan when they walk in to take her away from me. I want them dead in this moment, I want to watch them bleed out when they grab hold of my girl to drag her from the room. If I thought it would be possible for me to escape with her right then and there I would have snapped their necks and made a run for it with her. I’ll do everything and anything that they ask from me just as long as they let me have her back, which is exactly what they had anticipated, it’s what they conditioned me for.
I still hear her cries as I lay down on the mattress, burrowing my face into the pillow to smell her now familiar scent. Apples and something happier, like sunshine. Allyanna. It helps to calm me but not by much, I don’t know how I’m supposed to come down from this. I feel empty and incomplete without her next to me. I also feel enraged, I want to hurt them, I want to make them hurt as much as I do right now. Will it ever get easier when she leaves me?