Whipping Girl by L. Jacobs
Chapter 4 – Alexander - 11 years ago
“Alexander!” Ally launches herself at me as soon as she is through the door, her thin arms and legs both go around me and I catch her small body easily. I hold her to me tightly, so damn happy to have her here after three long weeks without her, she feels like heaven against me as I move us toward our small bed. I lay her down then lay next to her, I am unable to let her go so I curl myself around her in an attempt to soothe myself. I have been upped in the ranks, I am now handling much riskier contracts and some of the things that I have seen in the last few weeks have stayed with me, burrowing into my soul like black tar, I thought that I had seen it all until now.. I had thought that I had seen real monsters but I’m starting to realize that there are all different kinds of evil in this world. A full body shiver runs through me at the memory so I hold her just a little bit tighter but she doesn’t complain, she never complains when I seek comfort in her. I fill my lungs with her sweet scent hoping that it will replace my disgust and shame at myself, Ally always makes everything easier, I couldn’t survive without her.
My Handlers are allowing me a full week with Ally as a reward for my success but afterwards they are going to have to put me back in the conditioning cell, I may have succeeded but I’m also showing too much of a reaction to what I have seen for their liking. A full week of Ally is all that I am thinking about right now, I know I have hell ahead of me but all I can focus on right now is the comforting feel of my girl against me. She smells like apples and sunshine, like survival and life. I’ll soak up every second and commit it to memory so I can replay it over and over in my mind while I’m in hell.
“What have you been up to? I’ve missed you so much.” I say into her long blonde hair, it’s grown to her waist now, I won’t allow her to cut it because I love running my fingers through the long, silky strands. She pretends like it’s such a hassle to keep it so lengthy but it calms us both when I comb through it with my fingers, I can put her to sleep in minutes by doing nothing but that.
“I’m learning to play the piano.” She tells me unenthusiastically, I laugh because the girls’ Handlers are always trying to keep our Gifts entertained and stimulated with new things, Ally has one passion and one passion only, and she likes to make pottery from clay. It’s the only thing she loves to do outside of this room but they always try to get her interested in new things. “I’m not good at it, I don’t know why Dalia won’t just give up, I like clay, what’s wrong with that?” She huffs. Dalia isn't her favorite person, Ally hates both of her Handlers but that one in particular seems to really get on her nerves. I listen as she talks about all the new activities that she has been doing, a few conversations that she’s had with the other Gifts in the cafeteria and the books she’s been reading. I love hearing her talk, she makes me forget everything that I’ve been through, you could say that she is my only passion. “I missed you. Where do you go for so long?” She asks, her big green eyes searching mine.
“You know I can’t talk about that.” I answer with a furrowed brow. I hate keeping secrets from her but I don’t ever want her to know about the things that I have had to do, I would never wish those kinds of nightmares on anyone. I’d rather that she believed the stories that she likes to come up with, she imagines that I’m on all sorts of fun adventures, she’s told me in vivid detail about some of the things that she thinks of me doing, like becoming a masked hero outside of The Guard and saving people from evil villains. I wish they were true, I wish I could be the hero but I’m afraid that I’m closer to the villain in this story. I run a finger over the freckles on her cheeks, realizing that she has a few new ones. They don’t allow our Gifts outside, ever, so they put them in a room with sunlamps a few times a week. It’s not the same thing and I know Ally misses the outdoors but she never complains because she doesn’t want me to feel bad for her, but I see the longing in her eyes sometimes when we read books together, if there are outdoor scenes she always gets quiet, like she’s picturing it in her mind.
“I know.” She sighs. Now that the high of being together has worn off a bit she seems a little sad, there is nothing that tears at me more than when she’s not happy.
“What’s wrong.” I grab her cheek and turn her back toward me when she looks away with a small shrug. “Tell me.” I demand firmly but gently, I never accept anything but complete honestly from her and a shrug just isn’t going to cut it.
“Nothing. I just got into an argument with Candace. She said some things about you- not just you.” She adds quickly, probably seeing my eyes darken and my jaw clench. “Zeke, Seth, Toby and Andrew, all of you.” She looks at the black shirt covering my chest and starts to draw random patterns, avoiding my eyes. There are five trainees total, there used to be ten of us but this is a risky Organization, some of us don’t always come back. I get along all right with the others, but most of us aren’t close, we don’t really spend a lot of time together but we talk occasionally when we are assigned contracts together. Candace has been a problem from the start, she is Zeke’s Gift but their connection doesn’t seem to have worked as well as the rest of us, something just didn’t click the way that it was supposed to. Zeke got Candace a few months before I got Ally and I can see the disconnect between the two them which is dangerous, if he’s not living for her then he has no real purpose in this life that we were given.
“What did she say?” I ask, trying to keep my voice casual but even I can hear the edge to it, I seem to be able to keep all of my emotions in tact anywhere but in this room, to anyone except my girl.
“She just... she says that you guys don’t really love any of us, that you aren’t truly capable of it.” She takes a deep breath before continuing, still unable to meet my eyes. “She says that you were only programmed to need me and that none of your feelings for me are real.” I have to force my hand to stay gentle as I continue running it through her blonde locks. I take in her rushed words, running them through my head while I try to calm myself. I want to fucking strangle Candace, she’s always trying to put things in Ally’s head that don’t belong there because she could never understand the link that Ally and I share. I think she’s jealous of it and I have told Ally that on multiple occasions, I can’t control what my girl hears outside of this room.. I wish that I could.
“Look at me.” I wait for her green eyes to find mine before continuing. “I hope you know how ridiculous that is. We are both here under circumstances that we can’t control and you know that I waited for you for years but I need you to know without a doubt that my love for you is real, Ally. Candace and Zeke’s relationship should prove that to you, he had the same conditioning that I did but they don’t feel the same way about each other that we do. You’re the most important person in my life... Everything that I do is for you. Please don’t ever doubt that.” I tell her with all honesty in my eyes.
“I didn’t mean to doubt you, you’ve just been gone too long. I’m sorry.” Tears fill her eyes so I pull her further into me, allowing her to hide her face from me so I can keep my sanity.
“Don’t confuse my feelings for you, don’t let anyone ever put that kind of shit in your head.” I realize too late that I just swore in front of her and I want to kick my own ass when she stiffens but then she giggles sweetly, I kiss her hair to hide my smile, loving the sound.
“You just said ‘Shit’.” She whispers the words on another giggle. I relax my body but squeeze my eyes shut when that word leaves her sweet mouth.
“Don’t swear, Ally. Good girls shouldn’t swear.” I mean it too. After all the things I have seen and heard throughout the years, I refuse to let that kind of language leave my girl’s lips.
“Sorry, Alexander.” She says softly. My body relaxes completely at her apology, I’m not willing to let this ruin another moment of our time together. We deserve this.
“What else is going on? Tell me everything.” I turn the conversation to her. She starts with her pottery class, going on and on as she fiddles with the necklace I gave her, she tells me about everything that she’s made and I tell her that I can’t wait to see them all. She’s made me several different pieces, the amount of attention and detail is absolutely stunning for someone so young. My girl is extremely talented.
In some ways she has it worse than I do, she never gets to go outdoors and she only sees a handful of people on a daily basis. That would probably be extremely boring... but in other ways I sort of envy her the boring routine, I’d rather do the same old stuff day in and day out than do what I have to do on a regular basis, not that I would ever switch places with her. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy much less the girl that has become my entire life's purpose.
Sometimes I think about what it would be like if she and I were normal kids, if we had met at a regular school or something, I know we were destined to be together but would it have taken longer for us to reach this point? I decide that I don’t want to know... maybe she wouldn’t love me as much. What if some other dickhead tried to get in our way? She’s a beautiful girl, someday she’ll be a beautiful woman, and I bet some stupid boy would try to get in my way, want her for himself. I stop myself from going any further down that path. I can’t think about any kind of obstacles between us without getting enraged, she’s mine and I am hers, it doesn’t matter how we got to this point.
After a few hours of catching up she finally falls asleep on my chest, I need to pee badly and my arm has fallen asleep but I’m finding it impossible to move her off of me. Ally is the most angelic being who has ever walked this earth, looking at her is like Spring finally arriving after a long, harsh Winter, when everything is starting out new and the warmth is finally touching the earth. I don't know if I believed in goodness until she walked into my life, but she is the definition of the word.
We have an amazing week together, we read and play games, she tells me about her hopes and dreams for our future once again and I tell her that I will give her the world someday.. I wish I could be certain of where our lives are headed but unfortunately it all leads to the same thing, I’m a killer, it’s who I am now and I am part of an Organization that will never let me leave it while I am still alive. Our futures are already planned. As long as I am useful to them, Ally and I stay alive but I’ve seen enough disappearances on our team to know that when they feel my usefulness is gone then I too will disappear. I don’t really care so much for my own life but the thought of Ally suddenly just not existing makes me feel sick to my stomach, it would be like the sun still trying to rise after the earth stopped spinning.
I don’t know how I feel about heaven and hell but if it’s real then that means that Ally and I won’t be together after we die, she would become an Angel in heaven and I would be burning in the fiery pits of hell. Don’t get me wrong, no matter where we end up in the afterlife, I will find her but I’d rather she didn’t have to fall from grace for us to be together for eternity.
“Shut it off, Alex!” Ivan’s voice can barely be heard through my screams. I’ve gotten better at being able to handle the pain but after four days of near starvation and only a few hours of sleep I’m finding it extremely difficult to withstand Parrilla torture, they might actually be killing me, it feels as if my entire body is being burned from the inside out then torn apart at the seams. If the electric shock doesn’t end me then it will be my weakened body giving up the fight. The electric current flowing through me stops suddenly and I quickly suck air into my oxygen deprived lungs, I can’t get enough, stars dance along my vision and I feel like I might pass out… but that will only lead to more torture, more pain, more endless agony. Jesus, I won’t survive this, I’m going to die. A harsh slap to my face brings me out of my panic, allowing me to suck air fully into my lungs. “You’ve got to learn, boy. You have to learn how to shut it all out. Everything, if you want to survive. I saw your eyes when you came back... they were haunted. Elites aren’t haunted by anything, Alex. Do you want to be a trainee forever?” Ivan, for some reason, has always had a soft spot for me. He’s the Handler that I deal with the most and the only one that has ever given me any solid advice about my conditioning, he likes me but that also means that he’ll never show me any kind of mercy because he wants me to be the best. He wants me to survive this. Right now I wish his expectations were lower and that he liked me a little less. He reaches behind my head and unties my leather gag so I can speak, I’d be grateful to him if I could feel anything other than complete pain and misery.
“Maybe I don’t want to survive.” I say so low that I don’t know that he’s heard me until I feel another burning slap across my face. Fuck that hurts.
“You want to give up, boy?” I hate when he calls me boy and he knows it, he uses it only when trying to incite me. “What about Ally, huh? What about your precious Gift?” My head snaps up at the mention of her name, I could never forget about her but I had been thinking of nothing other than my own pain and my selfish desperation for it to end. My narcissistic thoughts have me bowing my head in shame, Ivan making a sound of disgust at my weakened mind.
He knows what he’s doing and it’s working. I glare at him with all the hatred I can muster for bringing her up in here. “Maybe I should give her to someone else if you're ready to give up… I don’t know if she’d like that so much since she loves you but if you’re going to start acting like a fucking pussy then you don’t deserve your Gift. Or maybe you need a better motivator, huh? Should I bring her in here to be your little whipping girl?” The hate that I feel toward him is immeasurable at this moment, if I weren't physically restrained his neck would have been snapped before he could've finished that sentence.
“Fuck you! You won't go anywhere near her, she’s mine!” I rage at him. The thought of anyone else touching her, hurting her in any way is a pain worse than anything else that these assholes could inflict on me.
“There you are, Alex. Keep that thought in your mind, let it burn through you, let it remind you of why you are here and what would happen to Ally if you ever failed!”
“I haven’t failed! I did everything that was asked of me!” I scream at him.
“No, Alex, you haven't failed, not yet... but I saw what you looked like when you came back. You let it cloud your mind, emotions will only get you killed here. Shut it off, boy... Shut. It. off.” I watch as he takes a step back from me, his own mask sliding into place, as if our conversation never happened. I don’t know how he does that so quickly, it’s like a switch just gets flipped in his mind, I wish I could find mine at the moment but I’m fairly certain that they will help me to do just that before my time here is through, that’s what this is all about after all.
I’m 13 and I was sent on a contract to infiltrate a Pedophile ring. I was too old for most of those men. Too old until I fit the tastes of a particularly sick piece of shit that wanted to see me bleed before he tried to fuck me. Apparently my scars were a big turn on, he thought it would be something that we could share together. I learned as much as I could before I killed him- I slit his throat and watched as his warm blood gushed from his neck. I don’t regret killing him, he was a waste of life and he deserved it, I only wished that I could have taped it and sent it to all of his victims so they would know that the piece of shit got what he deserved. It wasn’t the kill that put me back into conditioning, it was what I had to witness for me to get to the kill, nobody should ever have to go through those things that I saw.
Ivan moves in close to replace my gag and I head butt him straight in the nose, the crunch of bone is like music to my ears and I smile when he jerks back and covers his nose with one meaty hand, looking at me like I’ve lost my mind. “If you ever threaten my girl again… it won't just be your ugly face that I make bleed.” I threaten, ignoring the pain in my head from my self-inflicted blow. Ivan takes his hand from his bloody nose and looks down at the river of blood that I've caused, I expect another slap but he starts laughing and then he gives me a look that appears to be pride. Fucking psychopath. I smile too... Until it starts all over again.