Waste My Time by Kelsey Clayton

We're sitting around,eating pizza and drinking beer. Everything feels calmer now, the stress of whether or not I'm back on drugs is gone, but something seems to still be bothering Zayn. He's distant. Spaced out. He's not laughing when Knox cracks a joke about how he proposed to Amelia in a rush to be the first one to get engaged. He doesn't even freak out when we're finally let in on the insane way he plans on proposing to Delaney, with ink permanently embedded into his skin.

“What the fuck are you going to do if she says no?” I question in almost panic.

His jaw locks and he drops his pizza back on his plate. “E, you're my boy, but insinuate that I won't be spending the rest of my life with that girl again, and us thinking you're back on drugs will be the least of your worries.”

I look over at Zayn who has barely touched his food, but his third beer is long gone. “Are you hearing this?”

He simply nods. There's no emotion. No humor. No little comment that Knox always does what Knox wants, and the only person who can get him to change his mind about anything is Delaney. Not even a joke about him being whipped.

“All right, what's wrong now?” I ask him, refusing to sit in this tension any longer. “I took the test. Knox watched me piss in the cup.”

“A sight I wish I could wash from my brain with acid,” he quips.

I roll my eyes at his dramatics and focus back on Z. “What's up, man?”

He shrugs. “You didn't tell me.”

“What?”

“I've always been there to help you with this shit, and when Alec gave you drugs, you didn't tell me.”

My head drops, and I exhale slowly before looking back up. “I didn't tell you because you've always been there for me. I watched you practically ruin your life trying to make sure I didn't end up back on that shit. Everything is back on track for you, and I didn't want to watch you lose your mind worrying about me again. I had it under control.”

He watches me, as if he's trying to figure out if I'm telling the truth or not, but then he sighs and leans back in his chair. “Fine, but if there is a next time, you fucking tell me. I don't care if you're tempted or not. We're brothers, E. You tell me.”

“Okay,” I promise. “I'll tell you.”

That seems to relax him because he turns to Knox with a smirk. “And you're a fucking ballsy dumbass. I've told you that already.”

He chuckles. “You're just mad you didn't think of it.”

Amelia rolls her eyes. “He proposed with pyrotechnics. I don't think there is a more Zayn way of doing it. But E is right, Knox. What if she says no?”

Knox puts a hand on his chest. “Do all the fucking Donovans have no faith in my relationship? Damn, princess. I thought at least you were on my side.”

The corners of my mouth raise as it finally feels like the laidback hangouts we like to enjoy, but that smile gets wiped right off my face the moment the door opens and Tessa steps in with Delaney.

Fuck.

“No,” I say instantly. “You can't fucking be here.”

“E,” Tess breathes.

She looks upset. Like there is something plaguing her mind. But I can't find it in me to care right now. Not with what she's risking by being here.

I shake my head. “Don't fucking E me. You can't be here!” Turning to Delaney, my eyes narrow. “What the fuck, Laney? I'm sorry you have fucking codependency issues, but why would you bring her here?”

“Watch your fucking mouth, Donovan,” Knox growls.

Fucking Christ. I get up and take a couple steps toward them, trying to get them right back out the door. “Tess, you have to go. Kennedy is upstairs and if she comes down and sees you here...You just have to go.”

“Who do you think called her?” Kennedy's voice breaks through the tension.

I turn around to see her walking down the stairs. Dried tears stain her cheeks as she comes toward me, and I can't even open my mouth to speak. She looks broken. Destroyed, even.

Tessa steps back to let her pass by, and she comes to stand in front of me. She stares up at me with pain in her eyes, swallowing harshly before she speaks.

“What did you do with the coke, Easton?” she asks.

All eyes in the room are focused on the two of us as I feel my heart start to pound. “I...I...”

Before a lie slips from my lips, she lifts her closed hand and flips it over, opening it to reveal the little baggie of coke Alec gave me. My mouth goes dry as I stare at it, and if there's ever been a time I wanted to get high, it's now.

Zayn gets up from his seat and sees what Kennedy is holding. A low growl emits from the back of his throat as his fist clenches.

“Fuck!” he screams, and punches the wall with all the force he has, leaving a hole behind in its place.

“Sit down, Easton,” Tessa tells me.

I look at her and then back at Kennedy, who now won't meet my eyes.

I screwed up.

Again.

SMOKE FILLS MY LUNGSas I inhale deeply. After being lectured for an hour, I need the nicotine more than air at this point. There was nothing I could say that would make it better after Kennedy found the coke in my nightstand. I just sat there and listened to everyone as I stared at where Amelia was comforting Kennedy. She couldn't even look at me.

We're back to that.

Back to her mentally debating whether or not I'm good enough for the baby.

Good enough for her.

I should've known I'd fuck it up. If she was really smart, she'd leave me in her rearview mirror and never look back. That's what would be best for her and the baby. But I'm too fucking selfish to leave them. I want them too much.

I want our family.

And that makes me an asshole.

Tess slips out the door and comes to sit next to me. She carefully takes the cigarette from me and takes a puff before hanging it back. No words come from her mouth as she waits for me to speak first.

“Go ahead,” I tell her. “I've heard almost everyone else yell at me.”

She exhales a cloud of smoke. “No one was yelling at you in there. We just don't want to see you fall back into that shit.”

“But I didn't! I didn't even so much as open the baggie!”

“But you didn't throw it away, either,” she points out. “Why didn't you get rid of it?”

I keep my eyes focused on the tree in the backyard. “I forgot—”

“Easton fucking Donovan, don't you dare even think about lying to me right now,” she snaps. “This is me you're talking to.”

Taking a deep breath, I rub the back of my neck and then relax. She's right. This is Tess. The same girl that has listened to what goes on in my fucked up mind and never once gave up on me.

“I guess I just liked knowing it was there,” I confess. “That if things went wrong, if shit hit the fan, it was there.”

“Fair enough.”

“But I also liked knowing I was resisting it,” I continue. “It was like I was proving to myself that I'm strong enough to be faced with it and not give in. Drugs used to have such a strong hold on me. So, to know that for once, I was stronger than that urge, it's liberating.”

She puts a hand on my arm. “E, you've been stronger than that urge since the day you quit. Give yourself some more credit.” Then she quickly pulls her hand away. “Shit. I probably shouldn't do that. I don't want to give Kennedy the wrong idea.”

“I still can't believe she called you,” I say honestly.

“She's worried about you, and she knew if anyone could get through to you, it's me.”

“She could get through to me.”

“Does she know that?”

I don't respond because I'm afraid of the answer. Of course she doesn't. I've done nothing to make her believe she has any part of me that no one else has. I've been trying to gain her trust back, but still haven't given her anything to make her feel important.

As if Tessa can read my thoughts, she nudges me. “You need to tell her.”

“It's not my story to tell, Tess.”

She scoffs. “Bullshit it's not. That night fucked you up just as much as it did me, if not more.”

Fear simmers beneath the surface at having to mentally go back there. To relive the night that changed my life. The night that made me wish I were dead. The events of that night have never been said out loud, at least not in detail. I explained a sugarcoated version to Amelia when she found out about my former addiction, but that's the extent of it.

“What if she hates me?” I speak my biggest fear.

“She loves you,” Tessa assures me. “If you can't have faith in anything, have faith in that.”

As she gets up to go back inside, no doubt to tell Kennedy to come out here, I stop her.

“Tess?” She glances back at me. “Thanks for coming.”

Her eyes roll playfully as she smiles. “Shut up, dick. You know I'll always be here for you.”