Made to Order by Brigham Vaughn

TWENTY-ONE

The Thanksgiving event had wrapped up for the evening and Donovan was going through the last of his shutdown checklist to make sure the kitchen was all buttoned up for the evening. Rachael was long gone. She’d left with a glow of happiness on her face and the two people she loved most in the world on either side of her. It had made Donovan ache for that. For that with Tyler.

And he wondered if he’d made a monumental mistake earlier when he’d reacted to Jarod outside his office. He’d been trying to protect Tyler, urged on by the terrified look in his eyes at being outed, but had Donovan gone too far?

Had he permanently damaged something that was already fragile and tenuous?

Once the kitchen was closed up for the night, Donovan went in search of Tyler, intent on fixing whatever damage he’d done. Tyler hadn’t responded to Donovan’s text, and he was starting to wonder if he had left without even saying goodnight when he heard Tyler’s voice behind him.

“Can we talk?” His words came out tight and strained.

Donovan slowed to a stop and turned to look at him. Even in the dim glow, with more than half the lights off, he could see how worried Tyler looked.

“Of course. I didn’t even realize you were standing there. I’d texted you to see if you were ready to head out, but you didn’t respond. I thought maybe you were on your way home already or something.”

“I didn’t leave,” Tyler said. He patted his pockets. “Just wasn’t paying attention to my phone, I guess.”

“Okay.” Donovan was silent a moment. “What did you want to talk about?”

Tyler stepped around the end of the bar. “I want to say I’m sorry. I think I fucked up earlier. You know I care about you.”

“I do know that.” Donovan frowned. “I also know that isn’t always enough. Caring for someone. Loving them. It doesn’t fix incompatibility.”

“You think we’re incompatible?” Tyler blinked. The hurt in his gaze made Donovan’s chest ache.

“No.” Donovan closed his eyes. “This worries me though, that I’m doing the same thing I did with Jude. Wanting someone to be something they aren’t.”

“Oh.” Tyler swallowed past the sudden lump in his throat. “So, you meant it then.”

“Meant what?”

“That you didn’t think I’m capable of being submissive.”

Donovan winced. “That came out wrong.”

“Did it? Or do you believe that?”

“I absolutely believe you have that potential in you. I’m concerned you don’t want to take that step forward.”

Tyler let out a frustrated grunt. “It’s not that I don’t want to, Donovan. I just … I don’t know how to be.”

“I could teach you, if you’d let me.” Donovan reached out and cradled Tyler’s face in his hands. Just touching him was a relief. “You just have to trust me to show you how.”

“But what if I can’t?”

“I’ve seen it,” Donovan said, frustrated. “I’ve seen you submit to me, Tyler. You are capable of it.”

“But a scene or two is different than it being a full-time thing, right?”

“It was more than a scene or two. We’ve been seeing each other for almost six months, Tyler. That’s not insignificant.”

“It’s not,” Tyler agreed. “But I’m struggling with this. It’s a big step. You want me to come out of the closet. You want to collar me. That’s no small thing.”

“I know that.” Donovan closed his eyes briefly to try to collect himself. “I know that. And maybe I’ve pushed too hard. Too fast. If you need to go slower, we can do that. I’ll let you take your time to get there. I just need to know you’re going to try.”

“I am trying,” Tyler argued. “I just panicked earlier. I saw that someone had overheard us and … I freaked out.”

“I know that. That’s why I said what I did. I was trying to protect you. I could see how upset you looked.”

“I know why you did it. And that means a lot to me,” Tyler said.

“But?”

Tyler hesitated. “It hurt.”

Donovan groaned. “I can’t win! You’d be pissed at me if I’d outed you.”

“I know.” Tyler scrubbed his hands over his face. “I’m fucking this up left and right.”

Donovan took several slow, deep breaths. “Tyler, you’re struggling. That’s okay. I understand that. I’d be lying if I said I was the most patient person ever. I’m not. But I will try, for you. I just want to be sure you’re going to give this a fair chance. Give us a fair chance.”

Tyler shook his head. “No, you want me to undo my whole life. You want me to shift my brain from being sure I was a straight dude who liked to smack my girlfriend’s ass to being a submissive to another man. You have no idea what that’s like.”

Donovan’s chest ached, because Tyler wasn’t wrong. “Maybe I don’t. So tell me.”

“I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like who I thought I was is suddenly upside down and nothing makes sense anymore.”

“I can help you make sense of it if you’ll let me.”

“Tell me what you need, Donovan.” Tyler glanced up at him, and the beseeching desperation in his gaze made Donovan’s chest hurt. “I guess … I guess I don’t even know what you’re looking for. You tell me you want me to be submissive but I don’t know what that actually means.”

Donovan winced. “That’s fair. Maybe we’ve gone about this all wrong.”

“What does that mean?” The words came out with a little bit of an edge. “Are you ending this?”

Donovan reached for him but Tyler shook him off.

“Hey, no, not at all,” Donovan said soothingly. “I just mean I need to take responsibility for the fact that maybe I haven’t been a very good Dom to you. We started off so casually, and well, combative, for lack of a better word, that we haven’t really sat down and talked about expectations of what those words mean to each of us. What that dynamic would look like for us.”

“Oh.” Tyler leaned back against the nearby table. “That’s true.”

“So how about we do that?” Donovan said. “We’ll take a day or two to think about it. Then we can sit down and discuss it. See if maybe our definitions are closer than we think.”

“And if they aren’t?”

“Then we’ll figure out a way to compromise.”

“What if we can’t?” Tyler grimaced. “Not that I don’t want to. I do, I just …”

“We won’t know until we actually talk,” Donovan admitted. “But I don’t think we’re that far apart. I think maybe we just need to adjust our expectations.”

“When you say take a few days, do you mean … do you want a break?”

“Not unless you do. I just meant maybe set the kink aside until we figure this out. I don’t want to muddy the waters and have a scene go bad. I think we’re both feeling a little on edge. So let’s spend the night together. We can talk more in the morning.” Donovan stepped closer, sliding his hand across Tyler’s pecs and leaning in. “And sex is definitely not off the table unless you want it to be.”

“I’d rather have sex on the table,” Tyler admitted.

Donovan chuckled, his mouth so close to Tyler’s it would hardly take any effort to touch their lips together. “Not this table. Unless you know how to break into Rachael’s computer and delete video files. Or you have an exhibitionist streak I don’t know about.”

“Nope.” Tyler looped his arms around Donovan’s neck. “Don’t need my boss to see you balls-deep in me.”

Heat flared in Donovan’s gaze. “Oh yeah?”

“And that has nothing to do with being ashamed of being with you or being the one getting fucked,” Tyler said. He slipped his fingers into Donovan’s hair, sending a little tremor down his spine. “It’s just … there’s some lines you don’t want to cross with your boss, even if you are close.”

“I get it.” Donovan reassured him. “And I don’t want you to think I’m constantly second-guessing you. Doubting you or your feelings for me.”

Tyler ran his hands up and down Donovan’s back, warming him through and through. “I know that.”

“So, I’m going to put it all out there and tell you how I feel.” Donovan smoothed the side of his index finger down Tyler’s cheek, feeling the rasp of his whiskers. “I love you, Tyler.”

It had hit Donovan like a bolt of lightning earlier as he’d watched Tyler walk away after the conversation with Jarod. He’d been gripped by fear that he would lose Tyler for good.

Tyler’s lips parted and Donovan pressed his index finger against them, feeling the warm puffs of air against his skin.

“You don’t need to say it back. I have no expectations that you’re there yet. But I want you to know. This isn’t … this isn’t something I say lightly, Tyler. You’re the second man I’ve ever said I love you to.”

Tyler smiled and Donovan dropped his finger.

“Well, you’re the first I’m going to say it to.”

Donovan blinked. “You …”

“Yeah.” Tyler’s voice was husky. “I love you, Donovan. I’m still not sure how to get over this block in my head about coming out, about being your submissive, but I do love you. I …” He let out a helpless little laugh. “I sure as hell wouldn’t be trying to figure this out if I didn’t.”

Donovan pulled him closer, wrapping him tightly in his arms. “Oh, Tyler. God … you have no idea what that means to me.”

“So, we’re okay?” There was genuine worry in Tyler’s eyes.

“We’re going to be,” Donovan promised. “Let’s just take it slow. We’ll go home tonight and have a quiet night in. And if you’re ready tomorrow we can talk more about our expectations. We’ve both got the day off.”

“That sounds good to me.”

“We don’t have to have it all figured out right away,” Donovan said. “I’ve been trying to rush things, I think, without taking all the proper steps to get where I want to be. We’ll get there in time, but it doesn’t have to be immediately. We started fast and messy and maybe it’s time to try slow and methodical.”

Tyler licked his lips. “Could I maybe take you to my favorite place tomorrow?”

“Sure.” Donovan grinned. “I thought that was my bed though.”

Tyler’s smile matched his. “Okay, second favorite place.”

“Yes. I—” Donovan froze as he felt the vibration of Tyler’s phone against his thigh. “You need to get that?”

“Yeah, I’ll check it real quick, then we can head out.”

“Sounds good.”

But when Tyler glanced at his phone screen, his face went white. “Andrea’s calling. That can’t be good. Not at this hour.”

“Answer it,” Donovan said firmly.

Tyler’s fingers were shaking but he did it. “Andrea?”

He walked away to pace as he listened, a frown furrowing his brow as he nodded. He let out a pained sound and closed his eyes. “Yeah, yeah of course. We’ll be there.”

He looked drained as he hung up the phone and turned to Donovan, a stricken expression on his face. “It’s Eddie. He’s been in a car accident. He was driving drunk.”