Fail to Love by Maci Dillon

 

Mixed Signals

“Forgiveness is the oil of all relationships.” ~ Anonymous

 

 

SEAN

 

“Hi, I’m here to see Raven, please.”

“I’m sorry, Mr.?” the receptionist prompted.

“Mathers. Sean Mathers.”

“Mr. Mathers, let me see if I can find her. We’re a little short-staffed today. Please, take a seat,” she offered and pointed at the waiting area behind me.

I nodded politely but took only one step back from her counter and waited.

A few minutes later, Raven stepped into the office and through the locked door to where I stood.

Gauging by her expression, she wasn’t overly excited to see me.

“Sean, hi. What do I owe the displeasure?”

Hmm, it’s been a week almost since I accompanied her to the family dinner, but I was expecting a much less hostile reception from her.

“I wasn’t sure if you were free to go out for lunch or not.” I held up a paper bag, her favorite Chinese takeout. I had Chloe to thank for the tip. “So, I brought lunch to you.”

I held her gaze and patiently waited for a response.

“Well, I’m starving, but I only have about fifteen minutes.” She smiled.

Silence descended as every employee stopped what they were doing and watched us walk into her office at the back of the center. At least that’s how it seemed except for the noisy rug rats running havoc in their rooms.

Raven quickly closed the door and pulled the blinds before taking a seat behind her desk as if we were set to embark on a business meeting.

“Is everything okay? You’ve been hard to reach,” I queried and placed the takeout on the corner of her desk and took a seat across from her. I have messaged a few times this week, sent flowers to her apartment even, and not one word from her in response.

“Of course, it’s been a busy week, is all,” she answered, clearing some space on her desk for our food.

“I hope it hasn’t put you out, me showing up like this.”

“Personal visits aren’t something I want to encourage, but this once, I’ll allow it.” She paused for a moment after opening the prawn omelet. “It’s actually good to see you.” She sighed.

I nodded and watched her closely. Something was definitely off. Raven was distant, and so far, not one of her smiles appeared genuine.

“Look, Raven…” I began, placing a second dish in front of her and passing her a can of soda.

“Sean, don’t. Please.”

Confused, I looked at her. “Don’t what?”

“Whatever you’re about to say… don’t.”

“Raven, I need to apologize for Saturday. I—”

“Honestly, there’s no need. Please, let’s just enjoy lunch before I have to get back to work.”

I pushed my satay beef around the dish with my chopsticks. “Dammit, Raven, I thought we had a great night with your family. You were quiet on the trip home, and then you basically pushed me out the door, not wanting me to stay. Then you ignored me all week. What did I do?”

Never having dated before, I was oblivious to what I should be doing and what was expected of me. Maybe the problem wasn’t me at all. “Are you not interested in seeing me, is that it?”

“We agreed to a fake date with your colleagues, which extended to a solo date for the ballet. You returned the favor by coming to the family gathering,” she said bluntly.

“And? Did you not hear anything I told your family?” Personally, I figured I had made it perfectly clear I was interested in more of everything with her. And the way she’d kissed me, right there with all her family around.

“Oh, I heard everything you said. Believe me.”

So she was unimpressed with my honesty.

“I’ll be out of town next week, and I couldn’t leave without seeing you.” The truth was, I missed her like fucking crazy, and I’d been sick with dread. Worried I’d screwed up any chance of something more with her.

“This next week, I’ll be working some long hours myself,” Raven added.

“Is that your subtle way of saying not to contact you while I’m away?” I wasn’t sure where she was coming from right now, but I didn’t like the sound of it one bit.

She laughed quietly before she brought her eyes to me, finally. “Honestly, I don’t see why we can’t go without contact for a week. We did agree after the barbecue, we’d fake a breakup so my family wouldn’t be expecting to see you again.” She looked at me for a response but was met with a frown. “It’s not like we’ve been seeing each other for that long, and it was all a ruse, anyway,” she continued.

I chewed my food slowly, stewing over her words.

She didn’t miss me one bit.

That much was obvious.

“No,” is all I could manage while shaking my head.

“Why do that if we both want to actually date?”

Raven scoffed. “Sean, we have amazing chemistry in bed, but other than that, do we have anything in common? Also, I’m not impressed that you allowed my family to think otherwise. I told you they have high expectations.”

“I never said anything I didn’t mean, Raven.”

Raven raised her eyebrows at me as she took another mouthful of fried rice. She held my gaze as she chewed slowly, and with purpose, contemplating my words. “Are you suggesting you want a relationship, Sean?”

I guess I was.

Am I cut out for it?

Not in the fucking slightest.

“Truthfully, I’m not sure I know what a relationship involves, but I’d like us to go out again. For real, nothing fake about it.”

Raven was resisting the idea. 

I recognized the look of fear, of the unknown, in her eyes as if my own reflected back at me.

Slowly, she moved her head up and down. “Let’s discuss this further when you get back, yeah?”

Not the answer I had hoped for, but at this stage, I’d take it.

 

 

RAVEN

 

True to my word, Sean and I discussed our involvement further after his return from a medical conference down south. We agreed to go out on a few dates—no strings, no promises. It was our way of testing the waters before leaping from the waterfall.

We had already been out a few times over the past few weeks, and each time we learned more about each other. I was surprised to learn we had more in common than I expected. We both shared a love of animals, true crime movies, reading—although I loved raunchy romance, and he preferred autobiographies—but I could imagine us relaxing in bed on a Sunday morning, snuggled up and reading.

Honesty and loyalty were both high on our lists of attributes, and we both enjoyed a close, tight-knit circle of friends. Our tastes in food were similar, so there was that. We’d never argue over where to dine, and we each thrived on new experiences.

And the sex? Holy fuck me six ways to Sunday. Yep, he does that every time! Given my first misinterpretation of him during our initial hook-up on New Year’s Eve, I’m surprised how incredibly sexy he made me feel.

Over drinks with Sean, he discovered my dream since childhood was to establish my own childcare center. I also divulged my desire to have many children which caused him to choke on his whiskey. I had to remind him we were casually seeing each other, and there were no expectations of it developing further.

Despite his obvious contempt for a serious relationship, at least one which involved having a family together, he went and stuck his nose in my business.

In my dream.

And I was pissed.

It was our first real argument of our not-so-fake casual dating relationship.

The thing is, I don’t need a man with money to enter my life and start promising me the world. My dream was my own, and I wanted to accomplish it myself. Yes, Will had offered to invest or set me up with an investor, but that was my choice and my doing.

But having Sean invest as he suggested? Never going to happen.

The last thing I wanted was to owe a man I may or may not still be sleeping with a few weeks from now.

Since the conversation which followed his offer to help, we haven’t had sex or been on a date. I asked him for space.

Sean interpreted my need for space as no phone calls or seeing each other. But the past week I received at least one message every day and a bunch of apology flowers.

I was sent so many fucking flowers, I’d started to flood the center, my office, and Chloe’s place. I even walked the halls of my apartment complex, offering arrangements to my elderly neighbors and single moms.

Hell, whenever I saw one of the moms in our complex, they always looked like they could use some pampering and extra love.

Today, I arrived at the center earlier than normal for a team meeting. We were undergoing some changes to the children’s rooms and their daily schedules. This involved training new staff and implementing some new strategies we needed to clarify.

After a restless night’s sleep and not hearing Sean’s voice since the weekend, I swapped up my morning run for an hour of yoga to try to calm my heart and focus my mind.

As we were finishing up, Bernadette invited herself into my office with a bouquet of flowers and a heart balloon floating amongst them. Sitting them on my desk, she stood there waiting with a ridiculous smile on her face.

“Thank you,” I offered, glancing from her to the door.

“Aren’t you going to see who they’re from?” she asked impatiently.

“Later,” I told her, packing up my notes and slides to prepare for my day ahead.

Flabbergasted, she reached for the note herself.

“Hey!” I laughed, snatching it away from her.

 

Sorry I overstepped.

S x

 

I slipped the card back into the envelope after seeing an address not too far from here with a message asking me to meet him there at four this afternoon.

I assumed Bernadette, in all her pregnancy hormones, had fielded a call or two from Dr. Love and filled him in on my work schedule.

Rolling my eyes, I tucked the card inside the envelope and moved the flowers to my shelf, ignoring Bernadette’s twenty questions.

How did a fake date transform into a family evening, an arrangement of casual sex, and then a business proposal?

Yes, Sean overstepped, and I was over the flowers and ready to see him.

This charade needed to end now.

For no other reason than I missed him. A lot.

My days were better with him in them, and despite his next misstep or interference, in my heart, I knew it was coming from a good place within him.