Fail to Love by Maci Dillon

 

My Failure To Love

 

“The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return.” ~ Moulin Rouge!

 

 

RAVEN

 

At two minutes past four, my Maps navigated me to the address Sean sent earlier. Both his and Will’s vehicles were parked out front of a block of dirt.

What the fuck is going on?

As I pulled up to the curb, they both exited their cars. “So, what do you think?” Will yelled, his arms out wide as I walked across the street to them.

I kissed them both hello, fist-pumping on the inside because I managed to hold back all my pent-up lust for Sean and kissed him no differently than I did Will. It was the most difficult aspect of my day, and after running around chasing a room full of three-year-olds, that was saying something.

Either Sean’s eyes were darker and broodier than I remembered, or the tree shade was playing tricks on my mind. I glanced around the block, house block on one side and larger commercial blocks where we stood.

“Tell me what I’m thinking about exactly.”

“You weren’t opposed to the idea, so I made a few calls. The zoning is perfect for a childcare center, and you’d be the only one in the immediate suburb.” Will grinned hopefully at me while Sean stared at me, his expression stoic.

My mouth dropped open.

Then I had a brain fart and burst out laughing. It wasn’t my normal laugh—it was a strange witch-possessed mad cackle. Both men stared at me with amusement etched across their faces.

“I’m sorry. This is brilliant and so kind of you, Will, but I’m not financially ready to afford this kind of outlay. Not at the moment, anyway.” My heart was heavy. I wanted this so bad, but the timing was about twelve months too early.

Hesitantly, Sean spoke, “Will and I have discussed investing in the land and building as a joint venture which will enable you to purchase from us at a reduced rate, basically cost plus interest and fees which, in turn, would make your loan repayments significantly lower and more manageable.”

I scoffed, my mind darted in numerous directions, and my stomach clenched around a kaleidoscope of butterflies.

Will continued, “Based on the budget you gave me, Raven, we could get this up and running well within your financial capacity with less overhead and significantly less financial stress.”

“So you… both of you…” I glanced between them, “… would be my bosses?”

A grin spread across Sean’s face for the first time today. “No, we’d be silent investors, and you would be paying it off the same as if someone you didn’t know were to invest. To put it simply, we would be the middleman between you and the bank, enabling you to have what you’ve always dreamed of at reduced repayments. Your center… owned and operated by you alone.”

I wanted to leap with joy and wrap my arms around them both. My heart pitter-pattered with emotion. My mind raced with possibilities and concerns about going into business with friends. And Sean.

All week I had spent cursing him for offering to help. Am I really considering this as an option?

“Raven?” Will broke through the tangled mess in my head, so my attention now focused on him. “Talk to me, what’s holding you back? I imagined you jumping for joy, maybe breaking out into cartwheels and backflips.” He laughed.

“Internally, I am,” I told him, my eyes wandering to Sean, who remained quiet, a frown creasing his handsome face. “I don’t want to owe you anything. Mixing business with pleasure is never a good idea, and, well, we barely know each other.” I was talking directly to Sean—my issue isn’t with Will as he was basically family now.

Sean and I have only recently started dating, and it’s casual, not to mention complicated. Mostly because I wanted him more than my next breath, but I’d been set on pushing him away, opting to keep up the façade of hating him to keep my heart safe.

“I’m going to let you two discuss the details and do a walkover of the land. All I’ll say is this, Raven. This is a good investment opportunity for me, and while it started out as wanting to do something good for you, it’s not the sole reason, and you will never owe me anything. Ever. If we never spoke again, I’ll still be a silent investor, and in being so, you’ll never have to see me or have any contact in relation to this.” With that, Sean walked to his vehicle and drove off.

When I arrived home, I was met with another bouquet of flowers and a box of Belgian chocolates waiting for me at the door. At the risk of sounding like a spoiled and ungrateful bitch, I sighed and not a small, petulant sigh. No, the loud and painful kind. “Seriously?”

Inside, Simba came bouncing down the hall to meet me. He was hungry—it was a later night than usual, and I’d left extra early that morning. “I missed you, too, boy,” I cooed at Simba as I put the gift on the table and picked him up for cuddles.

Miah and Kassidy were watching a movie in the living room and barely noticed my arrival. I fed Simba, fetched a glass of wine, and interrupted their screen time, hitting the pause button.

“Advice needed, please.”

Their attention turned to me immediately. I relayed the events of the afternoon and my internal struggle, and both agreed that I should accept the offer, be grateful, and move forward.

“You don’t think it would complicate things if, you know, something were to occur with Sean and me?” At the end of the day, this was my main concern.

Miah was quick to respond, “Not at all. He said it was a silent partnership with Will. It sounds like you’d be in discussions with Will about the loan, not Sean, and you won’t have to answer to either of them.”

“Agreed. It’s a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and you totally deserve this. Don’t allow a man to get in the way of it,” Kassidy added.

When I called Chloe on the way home to discuss this with her before she was with Will, she’d expressed basically the same thing.

Talking about it with the girls helped alleviate the unnecessary anxiety surrounding Sean and a business opportunity, but I wanted to sleep on it before I made any decisions. I also needed to contact my bank tomorrow to confirm my lending ability.

It wasn’t long before I was settled in bed with my chocolates and Simba curled up beneath the covers beside me. I opened the note that arrived with the flowers and stared at the words.

 

Don’t be mad. Accept my offer and move on. No strings.

 

Accept and move on. This appeared to be the general consensus.

I sighed, set my alarm, and flicked off the light.

Letting my head fall back, I opened my diaphragm to draw in a deep breath. These past few months since meeting Sean, I’d struggled with the connection to myself, and meditation had really helped.

My therapist, who I hadn’t seen often the past few years, made herself available to me this week. Grateful for the reality check and clarity she gave me relating to Sean, I had come to realize my attitude toward men stemmed from my own level of self-love.

My emotional connection to my physical scar may have created a barrier in terms of developing meaningful relationships. My therapist suggested I may be unable to love myself, the scar a constant reminder of failing to reach my dreams as a teen, and therefore unable to accept love from others. In effect, I had rendered myself unlovable to the opposite sex.

It was absolute hogwash, even to my ears, but in some ways not entirely untrue.

If I continued on this path of failing to love myself, how could I ever expect anyone else to love me the way I deserved to be loved? That was the question Dr. Kendall put forward during our last appointment.

So, my homework for the week had been to focus on loving myself. In doing so, it would eventually open my heart to accepting love in return.

With some breathing work, meditation, additional yoga, and reading through a pile of self-help books, I began to experience a shift.