To Have & to Hurt by Morgan Bridges

Violetta

I’ve lost Tristano.

He hasn’t spoken for several hours and based on that, plus the pinched expression on his face, he won’t anytime soon. This situation with him has turned me into the biggest hypocrite. I was silent for almost two years, battling my demons and shutting out the world, but I’m angry with him for doing the same thing. I know something was said to trigger such a drastic change in him, but he wouldn’t tell me what it was and I suspect he never will.

It would seem impossible to simultaneously love and hate someone, but I do.

My heart beats steadily as though I’m not slowly dying inside, which annoys me to no end. However, my anger is more than enough to keep me going. Never underestimate the power of spite.

Beni bumps me lightly with his shoulder. “You up for a game of Tetris?”

I shake my head.

“He’ll come around, Violet.”

My answer is a shrug.

“Want me to shoot him?”

My lips twitch once and then the mirth disappears. I shake my head and then avert my gaze to stare out the window, signaling I’m done with the conversation.

From the corner of my eye I catch Beni sending a glare in Tristano’s direction and it warms my wounded soul a little. “If you change your mind about Tetris, or about me shooting his dumb ass, just let me know.”

The rest of the flight is uneventful and so is the drive back to Tristano’s residence. He makes a point to sit in the front passenger’s seat, as if he can’t stand to be near me. When I gave myself to him I knew it wasn’t a guarantee for us to be together, but I didn’t think he’d go from worshiping my body to acting as if I didn’t exist.

This type of pain is deep, stabbing me more with each passing hour.

The only silver lining in this entire affair is when we pull up in front of the house and I spot Carina waiting by the front door. She makes a beeline for me and once I’m out of the vehicle she envelops me in a hug. I wrap my arms around her and close my eyes, soaking in the familiarity of her, as well as the strength she exudes. It’s a balm to my battered emotions and I’m so relieved to be reunited with her.

I open my eyes when she pulls away from me, holding onto my shoulders. Rafael stands not too far away with his dark gaze focused on us. “I’m so glad you’re back, safe and sound,” Carina says. Her gaze flickers to Tristano, and it narrows infinitesimally before returning to me. “We have a lot to talk about, but let’s get you settled first.”

She takes my hand in hers as though we are little girls again and then leads me inside. The butler dips his head in acknowledgement as we pass by and I obediently follow my sister, not caring about where she’s taking me.

As long as Tristano isn’t there, I’ll be fine.

After a shower, a meal—forced down my throat because of my sister’s threats—and fresh clothing, the two of us sit on the bed in the guest room I’ll be sleeping in. Carina stares at me expectantly.

I’ve opened my mouth several times, only to close it. I’m not sure where to start or what to say that’ll help her understand my decisions, but also not judge me for them. What should I keep a secret and what can I tell her without causing problems between us and the Silvestris?

“You had sex with him, didn’t you?”

I gasp and stare at my sister as though she’s grown a second head.

She waves a hand in dismissal and then rolls her eyes. “I fucking knew it. I didn’t trust the way he looked at you the night we showed up on his doorstep, but I wasn't sure and I didn’t have time to confirm. Besides, how was I supposed to know he’d put you on a plane destined for another country within an hour? I’ll hand it to them, these Silvestri men move fast as shit.”

Inappropriate humor stemming from my emotional wounds fizzles in my stomach and then surges through my chest to pour from my lips. I slap a hand over my mouth to stifle the sounds, but it ends up making me snort. At first Carina looks at me as though I’ve lost my mind, and maybe that’s true, but then she joins me. Our laughter is cathartic and she has no idea how desperately I’ve needed it.

And how much I’ve missed her.

“I’m sorry,” I say in the midst of gasping for air. “I don’t know what came over me.”

Carina stops and her eyes go wide. “You’re speaking to me?” Before I can confirm or explain, she tackles me in a hug and her words stream from her in what seems like a single sentence. “Oh, my God, I was so worried about you. I thought you’d been mentally damaged because of something our father did and I’ve felt guilty for the last two years because I left you alone, even though it was the only way to obtain the means to get you out of there.”

I pull back from her and grip her hands, sucking in a preparatory breath. “It wasn’t him, but you’re not wrong.”

Her face falls when I reveal that I witnessed her assault. Carina weeps as I describe the crippling thoughts I had about the decision I made and how I believed I could’ve done better if I’d stopped Ugo from hurting her. She’s quick to absolve me of that, of every dark and shameful remnant by saying I saved her.

But in my eyes, she’s the true hero.

This entire conversation leads to enough tears to fill an ocean and we end up exhausted and spent, lying on the bed and holding hands while staring up at the ceiling like we used to do as children. Peace settles over us like a blanket and I release a sigh of relief.

“Everything is going to be alright now,” Carina says quietly.

“I think so.”

She props herself up on her elbow. “I’m going to marry Rafael and I want you to come live with us.” At the look on my face she wrinkles her nose. “Okay, I know the situation isn’t ideal, but I need to know you’re safe and taken care of. The Silvestris have more enemies than just our father and now that their mother has made her presence known… I’m just not comfortable with leaving you alone.”

“I understand.”

“What are you thinking about?”

“Everything.”

“Do you want to share?”

I shake my head and turn to look at her. “I’m still adjusting to the changes. A lot has happened in such a short period of time and I just want everything to slow down so I can catch up. Does that make sense?”

“Absolutely.”

A knock on the door has both of us sitting up. Rafael enters the room after Carina calls out to him and his gaze immediately locks onto her. He scrutinizes my sister from head to toe, frowning when he takes in her face. It’s obvious she’s been crying and my heart warms toward him for not only noticing, but for caring.

“Looks like the slumber party is going well,” he says dryly.

Carina hugs me and kisses me on the cheek. “Yes, it is.” She beams at him and his entire demeanor morphs right before my eyes.

Rafael’s gaze softens, his stance relaxes, and his mouth quirks. Seeing my sister happy transformed him and it’s so powerful that I blink at him a couple times to be sure what I’m seeing is real. He walked into this room with an air of suspicion and now he seems perky and ready to paint our nails or something.

“Well, be sure to let me know when the pillow fights begin,” he says with a sensual curve to his lips. “I heard they can be quite fun.”

My sister rolls her eyes. “Shut up. It’s my sister, not some random chick, so keep her out of your filthy mouth.”

“Viziata, I will if you promise to fill it.”

My sister’s face turns bright red.

I’m sure mine is too, if the temperature of my cheeks is any indication. However, I love this banter between them. It’s clear beyond a shadow of a doubt that Rafael only has eyes for Carina, despite his teasing. The love in his gaze is practically lighting up the room.

“Rafael, get out,” my sister says, pointing at the door.

“Fine.” He winks at her and then turns his attention to me. “Make sure to engage your sister in a good old fashioned sibling quarrel. That way Carina will be nice and fired up by the time she leaves. I love it when she’s angry and it makes for an interesting display of…fireworks.” He waggles his brows at me and I stare at him with wide eyes.

Carina jumps from the bed. “For fuck’s sake. I’ll just leave now before you traumatize Violetta more than you already have.”

“What?” Rafael shrugs with an expression of genuine confusion. “It can’t be anything worse than what she’s heard Beni say. That guy’s mouth is nastier than mine by a long shot.”

My sister walks around the edge of the bed muttering under her breath and when she’s next to my side she grabs me for a hug. “I’m sorry about all that,” she whispers in my ear. Meanwhile, I watch Rafael over her shoulder as he makes a lewd gesture meant for Carina.

I burst out laughing. Both of their gazes land on me, surprise clear on their faces, and I smile.

“It’s fine,” I say, still giggling. “I’m just enjoying how you two are with each other.” I wave my free hand while using the other to clutch my stomach, which is still sore from all the laughter earlier. “You make a great couple.”

Carina gives me a quick peck on my cheek and stares down at me with so much emotion in her eyes my heart nearly bursts. I hadn’t realized until now that I was scared the two years spent apart would ruin our relationship. But I think it only became stronger in the time we were separated.

“I’m a fucking delight,” Rafael says. He gestures to Carina with a pointed finger and shrugs.  “Seriously, I don’t know what her problem is.”

My sister grins and walks over to him. She opens her mouth to say something, probably a smart remark, but he interrupts her with a kiss. Well, a lot of them, actually. The energy from him to her is so possessive and passionate, I almost have to close my eyes.

When Rafael finally pulls away she stares up at him in a daze. He takes her hand in a secure grip and then gives me a curt nod. “Glad you’re here and in one piece, Violetta. Welcome to the family.”

“Yes, welcome to this crazy family,” Carina says. “I can’t wait for you to finally meet Emilia.”

“Your friend from the gala?”

“The one and only. She married Rafael’s brother, Maximus.” At my raised brows Carina nods. “Yup. It’s a small world. Goodnight, Violetta. I’m so happy you’re here with me now.”

“Me too.” I give both of them a little wave. “Goodnight.”

As soon as they leave, a silence descends on the room and it’s oppressive. Ironically, a month ago I would’ve loved the quiet and the solitude, but after being around people I care for, it’s hard to be alone. Maybe I didn’t really like it to begin with but did it anyway to stay sane in my father’s house.

Restlessness creeps along my skin and digs into my extremities, all but forcing me to my feet. I pace for a while and when that doesn’t wear me out I walk over to the window and stare at the stretch of lawn two stories down. It’s nothing extraordinary, but I gaze at it for a long time as my mind churns with thoughts I’d rather ignore.

They’re all derived from Tristano.

This house, his house, is enormous which means avoiding him shouldn’t be an issue. But knowing I’m under the same roof as he is, and that he’s somewhere nearby sleeping or working, unsettles me. If it wasn’t for my sister, I’d be far from this place, far from the source of my broken heart.

I blame myself for being dumb enough to think Tristano would actually care for me as a person, beyond just fucking me. My age really shows in my decisions lately, which he was quick to point out. What frustrates me more than anything was how he dismissed my feelings and opinions without discussing anything with me prior. He may think he knows best, and maybe he does, but what I have to say still matters.

A rap on my door steals the breath from my lungs for a moment. I inhale deeply as I sprint across the room, trying to stop my heart from rising with hope. I may be angry at Tristano, but I can’t stop loving him overnight, despite him hurting me. However, it’s not safe to trust him either.

I open the door and find Beni on the other side. My heart shrivels in my chest while I force a smile for him. He’s been nothing but kind to me and doesn’t deserve my sullen attitude.

Beni peers beyond me, checking to see if I’m alone, and then leans against the doorframe. “Hey, Violet.”

“Is everything alright?”

“It depends. Are you okay?”

I tilt my head. “What do you mean?”

“Man this is hard,” he says, running his fingers through his hair, causing the strands to stand up in places. “You’d think I was giving you the ‘birds and the bees’ lecture or something.” He clears his throat and then shoves his hands in his pockets. “My loyalty is to my boss, but that doesn’t mean I agree with him on everything. How he’s been treating you is not something I’ll ever condone. It’s fucking bullshit and we both know it.”

Having this conversation with Beni is not ideal or comfortable, but he’s coming from a good place and he knows Tristano better than I do. Perhaps he can help me understand where everything went wrong or where to go from here.

Because I never want to feel this way again.

“I can’t say I don’t agree, but Tristano must’ve been upset about his mother and I can’t blame him for that.” I sigh and stare off into the distance. “If that wasn’t it… I don’t know what else to say.”

Beni whistles. “That was a fuckton more words than I thought I’d get from you. Wow.”

“I’m done being silent.”

“Good,” he says with a nod. “Then you can go tell Tristano to go fuck himself because that’s what he deserves.”

I press my lips together to keep from laughing, especially since Beni is dead serious. “Look, what happened is in the past. Maybe it’s my fault for thinking it was more than something casual or that it would last longer than a single night. I took a risk and…” I shrug.

“You’re being very rational about this whole thing, a lot more than I am. My little sister is about your age and I can’t help but make the correlation between you two. And that has me wanting to choke the fuck out of my boss.” He blows out a sharp breath. “At least you’ve got a good head on your shoulders and won’t end up like those other young women who chase after someone they shouldn’t or get pregnant and stuck with a kid to raise alone.”

My world shifts and I sway on my feet. Beni is quick to catch me before I fall and stares down at me, his gaze shining with worry.

“Are you okay?” he asks, still gripping my shoulders.

“I don’t know…”

How can I admit that I didn’t think about getting pregnant? I can’t believe how stupid I’ve been acting and if that doesn’t show my age, I don’t know what else will. Doubt creeps along my psyche with whispers of Tristano’s words: you’re too young to know what you want or what to watch out for.

I certainly wasn’t mindful of conception. And now I’m beginning to think he might be right about me.

“Ah fuck.” Beni wraps his arm around me and leads me further into the bedroom, kicking the door shut with his foot. “Look, it’s not that big of a deal and it’s not even a sure thing anyway.”

I’m shaking so badly he pulls me into a hug and continues to ramble, what I assume are words of encouragement. But I can’t hear him. My mind is too busy screaming and my heart is racing as though it’s about to rupture. How could I have been so irresponsible? I guess there’s the excuse of being in a romantic setting and falling in love for the first time, but those reasons sound idiotic in my mind, so there’s no way I’m speaking them out loud.

When Beni’s entire body becomes like steel, hard and stiff, I jerk back and glance up to find his gaze elsewhere. With fear coiling around my lungs, I turn to see what he’s looking at, and all the air is squeezed from me.

Tristano stands in the doorway with his feet planted shoulder width apart, his arms folded, and his face void of any emotion. But his eyes…they glitter with a violent rage.

“What is going on?” he asks, his voice deceptively soft and calm.

I tense and Beni tightens his hold on me. That would comfort me if Tristano’s lip didn’t curl back in a snarl. I’m not sure who he posed the question to, but I can’t find my voice. It disappeared in his presence.

“Nothing,” Beni says.

Tristano scoffs. “Really? I’m supposed to ignore you being in Violetta’s room at night?”

“If it’s none of your business, then yes.”

Beni is going to get us both killed.

He continues speaking and my anxiety swells. “This might be your house, capo, but Violetta isn’t a piece of furniture that belongs to you, which means she can do whatever, with whoever, she wants.” Beni lowers his arms and fists his hands at his sides, then takes a step toward Tristano. “Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you the one who refuses to speak to her? The one who’s acting like she doesn’t mean shit to you?”

I hate myself for it, but I wince at hearing the truth. Beni is right about everything and, as much as I despise it, I need to come to terms with the facts. Just not right at this moment because Tristano and Beni both look ready to murder each other.

“Please stop.” I clasp Beni’s shoulder and he breaks his stare with Tristano in order to look at me. “I appreciate you, I really do, but I’m tired and I want to be done with all of this.” From my peripheral vision I catch Tristano’s gaze narrowing at my words. He must’ve caught on that I meant that in reference to this situation and him. “Thank you for coming by, Beni.”

“No problem,” he says. “If you need me, just yell.”

Beni strides past Tristano and the look they share nearly sets my hair on fire because of the hostility between them, not to mention the air of impending violence. I turn my back on them and walk over to the window, already lamenting my lack of sleep between now and the morning. There’s no way I’ll be able to sleep now.

When the door clicks into place, I glance over my shoulder to confirm they’re gone.

Only to find a pair of silver orbs, smoldering with intent.