Love, Ally by Hannah Gray

twenty-seven

Cole

Another game, another win, leaving us undefeated in the season. That’s great and all, but I looked up in the seats where Ally and Sloane usually sit, and once again, they weren’t there. For her to stop coming to my games, she must be really fucking mad. Not that I can blame her, but honestly, I’m pissed too. She told me she hated me more than that bitch mother of hers. Told me she wished we’d never met. That shit was hard to hear even if I know those were words of anger and that she didn’t mean it.

Seeing her the other night at the steak house sucked. I kept it together, never even glanced her way. But fuck me, it was hard.

Walking out of the locker room, I prepare myself for the vultures that will undoubtedly be circling for interviews. I’m not ever excited to celebrate by talking to the press. I’d rather stick my dick in ice water than talk to those nosy bastards.

They want me to fuck up and say something so that they can spin it into a story. They try to find one tiny imperfection, one minuscule insecurity, and pick at it until it’s a full-blown thing. Not to mention, they crowd my space.

It’s hard for me to accept the fact that when you play for a D1 school, just like when you sign to play pro ball, you owe the world everything they want to know. Kiss privacy good-bye. Suddenly, it’s their God-given right to know your shit. And college is only the beginning. Once I make it into the NFL, this will seem like nothing. But I suppose that’s a small price to pay in the grand scheme of things.

“Heads-up, brother, I had to give—” Knox starts to say from behind me but stops when he hears my phone ringing.

Pulling it out, I frown at the unknown number. “Hello?”

“Um, hi. Is this Cole?” a vaguely familiar, sweet Southern voice says softly.

“Depends. Who’s asking?” I toss back. I don’t give my number out to anybody. So, I don’t have the slightest clue who this could be.

“It’s Sloane, Ally’s friend and roommate. I got your number from Knox.” She’s quiet for a moment. “This is probably a mistake, and Ally will likely never trust me again, but I need you to come over here and … check on her.” She pauses, and I can hear the uneasiness in her voice. “Something … something just isn’t right. She hasn’t even left the room today. I don’t know, Cole. She’s a mess. I’m really worried.”

I don’t have to hear any more. “I’ll be there in five,” I say quickly, almost ending the call but stopping myself. “Sloane? You still there?”

“Yes.” She seems panicked.

“Whatever you do, just don’t let her leave,” I say before ending the call. Stuffing my phone back into my pocket, I head toward the parking lot.

“Cole Storms! Hey, can I get a—Cole? Excuse me, we’d like an interview! Storms!” one reporter yells relentlessly.

“Excuse me, I’d like to ask a few questions,” another one says, stepping in front of me.

“Not today.” I try to keep my tone somewhat calm.

“It’ll only take a few minutes.” She smiles, pulling out a pad of paper with no doubt a shit-ton of questions she’s concocted for me.

“Not. Happening,” I say sharply before stepping around her.

She attempts to catch me again, and I’ve fucking had enough. All I care about right now is getting to my girl. Fuck these people standing between her and me.

“Fuck off. The answer is no.” I’m going to pay for that, I’m sure.

Jogging to the parking lot, I hop into my truck. Once she purrs to life, I step on the gas. I’m glad Sloane knew she could call me, but I also know Ally is likely going to be fucking livid that she did. But she’ll have to get over it. She can’t push away everyone who loves her. Not anymore.

 

Reaching forward, I lightly pound on the door a few times. “Ally? Open up.”

Silence greets me.

“Ally? Sloane? Open the fucking door, or I’ll kick it—”

The door opens, and Sloane stands in the doorway.

With her eyes wide, her face pales. “I can’t get her to talk to me. I don’t know what’s wrong. I came home, and she was just … like this,” she whispers, shrugging her small shoulders. “She was supposed to be at work today.”

Looking past her, I see Ally’s body curled up on her side as she visibly shakes. Her dark brown hair is a mess all around her pillow.

Moving around Sloane, I make my way to her bed. Lying down, I pull her against me. Which only makes her cry harder. Her petite body trembles against mine.

“Shh …” I whisper against her hair. “I’m right here, baby. I’ve got you now.”

I hear the door shut, telling me Sloane has left us alone. She’s a good friend to Ally. I’m thankful as fuck that she was around to call me.

I have no idea what is going on with her. In all the years I’ve known her, I’ve never seen her this wrecked, and that says a lot because we’ve had some really deep conversations about some even deeper, fucked up shit. But she was never this bad off.

For the next hour, that’s all I do—I just hold her. I don’t speak; I don’t move. I just hold on to her so that she knows I’m here. So she knows I’m never letting go.

When she finally calms down enough so that her breathing has slowed down, she pushes herself up to sit. Standing up, she walks over to her desk. She pulls out a piece of paper, folded into a square.

Holding her arm out, she hands it to me. “Read it,” she says, moving her eyes to the floor.

“Ally—”

“Please, read it.”

Slowly, I take the note. Unfolding it, I prepare myself for whatever the fuck could be written there. For whatever I’m about to see.

To my Storm.

I’m sorry that you’ve returned home, only to find me no longer here. I’m so sorry that not only am I gone, but I also didn’t get a chance to even tell you good-bye. Please know that I did not leave because I wanted to. I hope you know that I’d never leave you if it was my choice. Today was a very bad day, and I only wish I could be in your arms right now. Only then would I know I was safe.

All my time on this earth, you have been my only family and the only person who has ever loved me. We have had each other’s backs since the day we met, and with you around, I always know I am protected. Protected from my fear of being alone, protected from the nightmares of the past, and protected from the monsters that roam this earth.

I’ve also realized that the only home I’ve ever known is you, Cole. I’ve finally figured out that a home doesn’t always mean walls, a door, and a place to sleep at night. I know for me, it isn’t. To me, it is your familiar arms, your steady heartbeat against mine, your calming touch, and most importantly, your ability to love me. Growing up, I never knew what it was like to be loved, and the feeling felt so foreign to me. Yet somehow, I knew that’s exactly what it was with you. So, thank you for showing me that I’m not unlovable after all because it turns out, the greatest human being on this earth has loved me with so much grace and patience. God knows I don’t always make it easy.

The birthdays that you made special, the times you held me when I needed to feel close to someone, and the storms we chased together, basking in them just to escape our shitty world for a while—those times were the best days of my life. You were the best days of my life. And my fondest memories are the ones I have of you and me.

One day, I hope to see you and explain it all. And to tell you what happened on this horrible day, a day where they are forcing me to pack my things and leave you. But for now, that isn’t a burden that I want you to carry. You don’t deserve to cart around such a heavy load after all you’ve been through on your own.

Promise me something, Cole. Promise me you’ll always stay optimistic. Promise me you’ll continue to see the good in the world, even when you have every reason not to. Promise me you’ll think of me often, but don’t let the memories of us dictate your future. Because, Cole, your future is so damn bright. So much brighter than this shithole town has so far granted you. Promise me you’ll chase your dreams but never let them make your life any less than wonderful. If you find yourself too overwhelmed with the pressure of the game or your needs are not being fulfilled, please take a step back. Just find happiness, and the rest will follow.

I hope one day to see you. I hope one day to feel your lips on mine and your arms wrapped around my body. I hope one day to laugh so hard that I almost pee my pants again from one of your stupid-ass jokes. I hope to watch you play football from the stands, wearing your name and jersey number on my back and screaming way too loud. And I hope one day to sing for you again. I hope for all of those things so damn much.

But if that doesn’t happen, if we never find each other again, if life doesn’t grant us that gift, I know you’ll be all right. And that’s what will get me through. Because even though we’re as thick as thieves, I also believe in you on your own, without me. I always will. And I promise I will never stop being your biggest fan. And no matter where I am, know that I am rooting for you always.

Thank you for being my favorite person in the entire world.

Forever and always. In the good and in the grit.

Love,

Ally

xo

I stare at the letter for a few minutes. Processing that she did try to say good-bye, that she wanted to. She just couldn’t.

“Thank you for sharing this with me,” I tell her. Folding the piece of paper up, I grip it in my hand. Like I’m scared it will magically disappear, taking her with it. “I should have known that you didn’t want to leave without a good-bye.”

She sighs. “I wanted to leave you that letter, but when I left, it was abruptly. I tried to slide it under your pillow, but they came in before I could. I ended up having to bring it with me, so you never got to see it,” she tells me before moving her body between my legs. “I wanted you to see it so badly, Cole. I needed you to know that I wasn’t like everybody else in our lives. I didn’t choose to leave.”

“Thank you. But I don’t understand. What’s going on today?” Reaching up, I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear as she stands between my legs, looking down at me.

“I think that the weight of the fight we had finally caught up to me,” she answers honestly. “You are the only person I’ve ever had in my corner, and I pushed you away to keep my secrets safe. Secrets that ate away at my soul for too damn long. I … cracked.” She shakes her head sadly. “No, actually, I broke.”

Holding the letter up, I lean into her. “Can you tell me more … about everything?”

Taking a deep breath, she blows it out shakily. “It was a few days before you got back from football camp,” she says, mindlessly digging her nails into her own palm. “I was in my room, and the younger kids were all outside. Marion had gone to the store or … something, and … Dave … he, uh …” she stutters. “He was home.”

As much as the words pain her to say, I need to hear them. I need to know.

Moving my hand to hers, I squeeze it. “I’m right here, baby. It’s all right.”

She visibly swallows, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. “He was drunk. And … and he came into my room. He started going off about how ungrateful I was. How I was trash, nothing, worthless.” She wipes a tear that escaped her eye and shakes her head, looking down at the floor. “He got in my face, pushed me down. So, I … told him off. I shouldn’t have. But I couldn’t help it. I really couldn’t help it.”

“He hurt you?” I ask her, praying to God she says no. Right now, the things running through my head that could have happened are making me feel like I’m going to faint.

She nods once. “Yes. But not in the way you might be thinking.” Her cheeks redden, and I hate the fact that she feels ashamed for something that monster did to her. “Once I told him off, he got really mad. He grabbed me, throwing me against the wall.” A cry escapes her throat. “He … he pressed his hand to my throat. Pressing harder and harder.” Her lip trembles. “I swore … I swore I was going to die. I could feel the life leaving my body with every second.”

I bite my lip so hard that I taste blood, and I feel my heart shatter inside of my chest.

“I’ve been through a lot of fucked up shit, Cole. But … I don’t know … that day really sucked.”

I pull her to me, and she sits on my lap. I kiss her head. “I am so, so sorry, baby. I should have been there. I was at fucking football camp.”

“This wasn’t your fault. Don’t ever think that any of it was your fault.” She licks her dry lips. Her voice sounds so sad and so vulnerable as she opens up about everything. “I knew I was going to black out soon, but I gathered up every single ounce of energy I had, and I kneed him in the balls. Thinking, you know, if I did that, I would have a split second to run. To get away. But I was wrong. So wrong.”

“What happened next?”

“When I tried to run, he … he grabbed my hair.” Tears run down her cheeks. “He beat the hell out of me, Cole. I don’t think he would have stopped if … Marion hadn’t come home. My ribs, my nose … I was in so much pain.”

“She stopped it?” I ask, surprised.

She shakes her head and wipes her cheeks with her sleeve. A bitter, sad laugh escapes her. “Not because she wanted to. She said if he killed me, they’d go to jail. So, instead, they said if I ever told a soul, if I ever breathed a word of it to you, not only would they ruin your future, but they’d also kill me.”

Her cries are the most heartbreaking sound. I’d give anything in the world to take her pain away.

She was beaten. By a fucking man. And I wasn’t even there. I’m supposed to protect her, and I fucking failed. I failed so badly. And now, she’ll pay for my letdown for the rest of her life. How can she ever come back from this?

God gave me an angel, and I couldn’t even protect her.

“Cole”—her lip trembles—“it was …” She can’t get the words out through her emotion. “It was aw-awful. I-I have these dreams. Well, nightmares. They feel like I’m back in that room. Like he’s right here, still trying to kill me.”

I cradle her in my arms. She seems so much smaller right now than she usually does. So defeated and drained.

Rocking her, I hold her as tightly as I can. “Shh. I’m so sorry, Ally. I’m so fucking sorry. I shouldn’t have left. I failed you, but I will never let anything happen to you ever again. I promise you.”

How can she trust my words? My words are completely invalidated because I did leave and she did get hurt. All for what? A fucking football camp? None of that matters. Not when it comes to her. She should have mattered more than the game did.

Sitting up, she tries to look at me, but soon, she averts her eyes to the ground. Her makeup is streaked across her beautiful face, and her body looks completely crushed. She looks broken. The toll of everything life has put her through finally showing on her face. She’s the strongest woman I have ever met in my life, but all the life and joy has been taken from her eyes. Leaving behind someone that I wish so badly I could fix.

Her words from a few months ago filter through my brain. “You can’t fix me this time.”

I get it now. I fucking get it so much.

Slowly, I reach down and cup her cheek. “Ally, is that why you have a hard time looking me in the eyes now?”

She’s quiet for a minute before finally answering, “Yes. But not for the reason you think.” She stops, licking her dry lips. “I wanted to keep this hidden from you. Partly because I was too proud to say the words out loud. And also because I didn’t want to weigh you down with these secrets. You’ve had too much put on you for one lifetime already.”

“I am so sorry you were all alone, baby.” I hold her closer. “I am so fucking sorry.”

Her small frame cripples slightly as she tries to force the next words out. “Did you ever try to find me? Or … or at … at least ask where I went?” Her voice breaks.

“Of course I tried to find you, Ally. I promise you that I did. Marion and Dave wouldn’t tell me anything. They wouldn’t say a fucking word. But I tried anyway.” Now, it’s my own tears that are running out of my eyes as I imagine her all alone after experiencing something like that. Watching, waiting for me to show up.

I’m in between wanting to throw up and wanting to fucking murder a man with my own bare hands. I want to watch the life drain from his cocksucking body. And the part that makes me realize I’m likely not a good person is, I could do it without thinking twice. And I know I’d sleep fine at night.

But I need to be strong right now—for her. This isn’t about me or my anger or vengeance. I need to just take care of my girl.

“I’m s-sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I was-wasn’t ready.” She stops and takes a breath. “I knew if I looked into your eyes, I’d want to tell you every-everything, and I was to-too scared to do that. Scared for you and for me.”

“I’m so fucking sorry, Ally.”

“After covering me head to toe in a hat, scarf, sweater, and pants to hide my wounds, they forced me on a bus and sent me to live at Sisters Safe Place.” Glancing up at me, she shakes her head. “And yes, that place is as horrible as the tales about it.”

The Sisters Safe Place is a church group that houses troubled teenage girls. We’ve heard stories of them drugging the girls to allow pastors to come in and rape them, working the girls to near death, and damn near starving them.

“Did they … hu—”

Holding her small hand up, she stops me. “No. Nobody hurt me there. But I saw it happen to others. I escaped just in time.”

“Why didn’t you reach out to me?” I ask her as softly as I can. Though inside, I’m furious that she didn’t contact me for help. “You changed your number. You deleted all social media. Fuck, Ally, I tried to find you. I could have helped you.”

She shrugs slowly, her eyes puffy and red. “I felt like I couldn’t reach out. Apparently, a lot of people were calling, wanting to adopt you.” She looks down. “Dave and Marion didn’t want to risk you opening your mouth up to your fancy new parents about what he had done to me.” She cringes. “I guess it was easier to send me far, far away.”

“Fuck everybody. I was almost eighteen anyway.”

“Yes,” she says. “But people were offering money. They were … basically taking the highest offer.”

Her words burn my soul. The realization that Matt and Jenn possibly paid for me makes me sick to my stomach.

“That’s illegal,” I state the obvious.

“Yeah, it is. But Marion and Dave are crooked as fuck—you know this. The only reason they ever took in foster kids to begin with was for the state to pay them. So, obviously, when people came knocking after hearing you were talented, they weren’t going to go by the book.”

“Motherfuckers,” I growl.

“It gets worse,” she sighs.

How the fuck could this shit get any worse? How do people like this even exist?

“Go on,” I tell her.

“I put up a fight, Cole. I promise I did. I wanted them to at least tell you I had no choice. And for them to grant me saying good-bye to you. The last thing I ever wanted was to leave you alone. We had been each other’s one constant thing for years. I never would have left you.” She rubs a hand over her forehead, and her shoulders slouch. “But if I didn’t leave, they threatened to have you blacklisted from any and all college football teams. They said they could spin a good enough story to have no college ever want you.” Licking her lips, she looks at me. “If no college team wanted you, I knew no NFL team would want you, Cole.”

“Ally—”

“Damn it, Cole! You know it’s true too,” she yells.

“Of course it is! But fuck football, Ally. Fuck everything when it comes to you and me. I’m so glad you opened up to me, and I am so sorry that I left you. But it makes me so fucking angry that you didn’t realize that what we had trumped football. Hands down,” I tell her honestly. “You’ve been my life since we were twelve years old. How did you not realize that?”

Ignoring me, she opens her mouth to speak, “The minute I turned eighteen, I left Sisters Safe Place, and I stayed in a homeless shelter. All alone. With nobody. I just …” Her hand forms a fist, and more tears fall down her cheeks. “I just couldn’t get past this anger. From what he did. It lingered and festered and grew. So, I decided I wanted a fresh start. I saw an ad for Brooks University on the computer one day. A day when it would have been so easy for me to give up on life completely. It looked so warm and inviting, and then I discovered they had a music program here.” She smiles. “I just had to come. I knew it in my heart.”

“And then I was here,” I state the obvious.

She nods. “Yep. And one look at you, and I just wanted to jump back into the closest thing to a home that I had ever known.” Her eyebrows pull together. “But not only did I hold an anger inside of me that I couldn’t control, but I was also terrified to get close to you. I didn’t know if Dave and Marion were lurking in the shadows, afraid that I’d get close to you and spill my secrets. Or if I told you, I worried you’d go off the deep end and ruin your entire life.” She shakes her head. “I was so scared. But I knew I couldn’t keep this from you forever.”

“Baby, you don’t have to worry about them anymore. You hear me?”

Looking at me, she attempts to nod.

“They want to threaten to take football? Well then, fuck football,” I tell her honestly. Because if I had to choose between this girl and football, I’d choose her. Every. Single. Time.

“I would never want to make you choose.” She sighs. “But life is so crazy … I mean, I just can’t believe we both ended up here,” she whispers, pressing her forehead to mine.

“I came here after reading the success rates of being drafted from here,” I answer her truthfully. “But when I was choosing a college, the first question I asked each and every one of the teams who approached me was, ‘Do you have a music program there?’ Because even though I knew the chances were next to zero, I was holding on to a tiny bit of hope that just maybe, you would end up where I went.” My body calms slightly at the memory of seeing her at the movie theater. I shake my head. “But I never thought you actually would. Quite a sign from the universe, us both being here, huh?”

“It was,” she says softly. “It really was.”

Looking at her, realizing where she’s been, I think back to the day I came home to find her gone.

I couldn’t accept thinking she’d just upped and left. Even if that was what Dave and Marion had led me to believe.

I searched for her, going to the bus station and everywhere I could think that might lead me to her. Now hearing her say they bundled her up to hide her wounds, I realize why I was unable to find out anything at the bus station.

“The number you are trying to reach is not available.” I listened to the annoying-as-fuck automated message playing in my ear after trying to call Ally’s phone for what was likely the thirtieth time.

As I pulled my piece-of-shit truck into the bus station, I took the picture of her out of my wallet and went up to the counter.

“Have you seen this girl?” I yelled as I smashed the photo of her to the glass. “Hey! Have you seen this girl?!” I asked again, watching the older man behind the counter ignore me.

Finally, he eyed it over. “I see hundreds of people a day, but I’d remember a face like that. Sorry, son. I haven’t seen her.”

“What about the others? There must be somebody else,” I said as I lean toward the small opening in the glass. “Please, I’m desperate. I’m really fucking desperate.”

“I’m sorry. I wish I could help.” He nodded to the other tellers. “Maybe they can help.”

After asking five different people, I came up with nothing.

Nobody had seen her. If she had come through here, how the fuck would they have all missed her?

With each passing moment, I could feel her slipping farther from my reach. Hard to tell where she was. Or who she was with. My heart was racing, and my stomach ached at the thought that she was gone.

I was almost to my truck when I heard the old man’s voice behind me. “She must be some girl for you to go through all this trouble.”

Wiping my eyes like the little bitch that I was, I slowly turned to face him. “Yeah, she is. She’s … my guardian angel.”

His eyes gave me a knowing look. “Found my angel sixty-six years ago. And up until two years back, when the Lord took her from me, she never left my side.” He shook his head and glanced down. “My advice to you, young man: don’t give up. Love always finds a way. Even when it seems impossible.”

He patted me on the shoulder and walked away.

I hoped like hell he was right. But right then, it seemed impossible as hell.

I prayed to God that she was safe. I prayed nobody hurt her and that she wasn’t in any sort of trouble.

My angel had come into my life abruptly. Sadly, it seemed like she had left it abruptly too.

The world had never granted me much. Just a string of people who either hadn’t wanted me or had left me.

Why did I think she was the exception?

I guessed it turned out, she wasn’t.

I shake my head at the flashback to that dreaded day. The day that was likely the worst day of my entire life. The day I realized I was on my own yet again.

The important thing is, she’s here now. And she needs me more than ever.