Love, Ally by Hannah Gray

twenty-eight

Ally

Cole’s body has been as rigid as stone since I told him all of my secrets and unleashed the past. It hurt, letting it out. A part of me had felt so ashamed since it’d happened. Like somehow, I could have prevented it if I had just kept my mouth shut. But in reality, I know deep down that it wasn’t my fault. And now that it’s out there, I feel much lighter.

I knew he was so angry as he heard what had happened. But instead of focusing on that anger, he held me and listened, and he was exactly who I needed him to be in that moment. And it hit me—he doesn’t suffocate me constantly because of the fact that I’m his pet and he thinks he owns me. He does it because he wants to keep me safe. This whole time, he’s just wanted to keep me safe.

Leaning against each other on the bed, like we have been doing for the past forty-five minutes, feels comfortable. And even though I know there are monsters out there, with him in this room, this close to me, I feel completely safe.

“You know”—his deep voice pulls me from my emotionally exhausted stupor—“I can’t just let him get away with this. I’m going to fucking kill him, Ally.”

I shake my head. Reaching over, I cup his cheek, angling his head toward mine. “No. You will not hurt him. Do you hear me?” This is what I was afraid of. I knew he’d want to head straight back to Ohio and find Dave. “I will not have you risking your future for a guy like Dave.”

“I’m not risking it for him. I’m risking it for you. Because we belong to each other, Ally, and I love you. So, yeah, I’m going to risk my future in football, and I’m okay with it. Because at the end of the day, I failed to protect you. But I can do it now. I can take Dave out of this world. And I won’t think twice when doing it,” he says bluntly.

I know he isn’t bluffing. I know he loves me and would do anything for me.

“Cole,” I whisper.

“Yeah?” he says, sounding completely defeated.

“I’m really sorry for how everything played out. I’m sorry you were alone,” I tell him, praying for his forgiveness.

“Baby, there was nothing you could have done. I am so sorry that I blamed you. I’m a fucking idiot.”

“You aren’t. You couldn’t have known,” I whisper.

I don’t speak again for a while, and neither does he. He’s quiet—too quiet—and I can tell that he mentally wants to be here for me right now but is having a hard time because he can’t see past his anger. I get it. Anger can be blinding. Take it from me; that was the only feeling I was able to feel for quite some time.

Putting his forearms on his legs, he leans his face toward the floor. “I don’t know what to say, Ally. I can’t … fuck, I am just so mad at myself, and I can’t think about Dave and Marion without imagining murdering the pair of them.” Looking back up, his blue-green eyes are now so dark that they almost look black. “I would do that for you after what he did. I’d take him off of this earth. That way, you’d never have to worry again. I want to do that for you.”

Sitting down on his lap, I throw my arms around his neck. “Nothing is ever worth you becoming a murderer.” Leaning in, I kiss his cheek. “That would make you no better than him … but I agree. I want him to pay.”

“He will,” he says sharply. “Ally?”

“What?”

“I need to go to Ohio. They can’t just be walking free,” he says. The color is still drained from his face. “He could be hurting someone else.”

My stomach turns. I’ve thought about that for months. “Please, just wait. A little bit longer. At least until football is over. I have a plan, I promise.”

He thinks about it for a moment before looking up at me. “The season is more than halfway over. The second I play my last game, I’m going to Ohio.” Burying his head into my neck, he pulls me even closer. “I need to make this right, Ally. I left you vulnerable, and this terrible thing happened to you. I need to make it up to you.” His voice strains. “Or else I’ll never fucking forgive myself.”

“Hey,” I say softly, pulling my head back and looking into his eyes. Gently, I cup the sides of his face. “I understand. I held resentment for a long time, but I don’t blame you, Cole. I’m the one who pushed you to go to that camp. Hell, I’m the one who sent the letter in, pretending to be you, so you would get accepted.”

It’s all true. I knew how badly he wanted to go to it. But it was expensive, and the money we made—him helping out in the tattoo shop and me waitressing—well, it wasn’t going to cover the cost. So, I sent in a letter, expressing how much “I” wanted to attend this camp. Then, I signed his name. A few weeks later, he got the phone call.

He isn’t to blame for what that monster did to me. And I’m well aware of that. I wish he could have found a way to me, but really, how could he have?

Bringing my mouth to his, I press my chest against his and attack his lips viciously. Needing him to be closer than ever.

He pulls back. “We don’t have to … do that. I’m sure that’s the last th—”

Pulling my shirt over my head, I throw it on the floor. “Make me forget.” Attacking his lips with mine again, I cry, “Make me forget it all. Please, Cole.”

I’m sure it isn’t healthy that I want to mask the memories of the attack with sex. I’m aware of how fucked up that probably makes me look. But right now, I need Cole to make me feel whole again. He’s the only one who can do it.

Shaking his head softly, he looks away. “I don’t want to make it all worse. I love you way too much for that.”

Reaching down, I pull his shirt over his head. Exposing his tattoo with my handwriting on his chest. It’s so incredibly sexy to me that he did that.

“I’ve lost too much over other people’s cruel actions.” I put my forehead to his. “I need you, Cole. Fix me. Make me yours.”

His eyes watch mine for a moment before he finally brings his lips to mine. Kissing me, devouring me, owning me, just like I need him to. “You’re already mine, Ally.”

And I know he means the words he’s saying. He always says I belong to him, but I know he belongs to me too. Mind, body, and soul.

“All yours. Forever yours.”

He pushes me off of his lap, just long enough to pull his pants down, followed by my own.

He pulls me back onto his lap, and I straddle him as he pushes my panties to the side. His lips kissing me the entire time, completely consuming me as he brings me down onto his length.

Tears flow from my eyes as we make love. Finally unleashing this secret, a secret that weighed on me so heavily, I feel a sense of freedom. Though I know I will never feel completely free again.

His fingers dig into my back as he brings us closer. But it will never be close enough. I wish we could blend into one, sharing the same skin. I need this more than I need air, water, or food. He could replace all of those things. Even if I haven’t acted like it these past few months. I tried to keep him far enough away, so I could hide the past. I tried not to taint him with my secrets, but it was no use. We share a soul. I couldn’t keep it from him any longer. And now that it’s out, I feel like we’re closer than we’ve ever been.

“I love you,” I cry as I move up and down on him. “So fucking much.”

“I love you more.” He kisses my lips like he’s starved for me. “Always and forever. You and me.”

“Yes,” I whisper back. Well on my way to oblivion.

And when he comes with my name on his lips, I feel whole, if only for a moment.

He can’t fix me. I know that. Nothing can besides time. But he is my person. And if anyone is going to walk next to me through the darkness of hell and make it less painful, it’s him. This beautiful, selfless, damaged boy that I have grown to love so damn much.

I know all of his secrets, and now, he knows all of mine. I know how much pain he holds inside of him. I want to help him through his, just like he has done for me.

It truly is us against the world.