Till It Hurts by Cora Brent
Jace
Then
When I pull up to the curb, I spot Colt among a cluster of Bredon High assholes. They’re standing in the street a few houses down and when they turn my way I get tense, wondering if I’m about to get jumped. My ribs remain sore today after last night’s cheap ass tackle.
I don’t know what he was thinking. I don’t know anything about anyone today.
Colt says something that I can’t hear but causes all his buddies to crack up into bawdy laughter. I keep a wary eye on them as I make my way to the front door but they seem to lose interest when Colt turns his back on me.
Fuck him.I’m not here for Colt.
I feel weird ringing the doorbell while having no clue if Tori is even home. Then again, if she’d answered any of my calls then I could have announced that I was on my way. The anxiety boiling in my gut is not the good kind, not a happy sort of anticipation over seeing my girl. This is an ugly feeling born of confusion and worry and yes, some anger. When that damn Bredon High newspaper article was shoved in my face a few hours before the game I was astounded. Then I was pissed. Never would I have guessed that Tori was capable of publicly gossiping about the worst news I’ve ever received. Then again, I couldn’t have pictured my best friend trying to take me down on the field with a sucker hit. And to make matters worse, Tori still wasn’t answering my calls to explain herself.
But today I need to set that aside. Today she and I have a bigger issue to deal with.
A minute passes. More laughter from Colt and his clowns.
There’s the sound of a lock being flipped open and I brace myself in case Tori’s mother is the one to answer. I always got the feeling she didn’t like me much, long before I started dating her daughter.
“What are you doing here?” Tori has cracked open the door and for a few seconds I just stare at her in shock. She’s pale and she’s clearly been crying. She looks sick.
The air empties from my lungs. It must be true, the fear that’s been gnawing at me ever since hearing that my girlfriend was spotted buying a pregnancy test.
I want so badly to reach for her, to hold her, to reassure her that I’m here and we’ll figure this out together. But she’s still standing in the doorway and giving me a flat, unwelcome glare.
“Tor, can I please come inside?”
She sighs and opens the door all the way. She doesn’t wait for me or even turn around to see if I’m following as she walks through the living and down the hall to her bedroom.
“I’ve been calling you,” I remind her. “I was worried. Why didn’t you call me back?”
She’s facing the wall and looking at a collection of paint swatches that are taped to the surface.
“I’ve been busy,” she says, rather absently. “Rusty said I could paint the room whatever color I wanted so I need to figure out what should cover this ghastly pink.”
Her arms are crossed over her body. Her voice is a weary monotone. With my heart aching, I walk over to her and place my hands on her shoulders.
Her reaction is to flinch away from me immediately. “Don’t.”
It’s the first time she’s ever pushed me away. I’m not mad. She’s just upset, confused. We both are.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were coming to the game last night?” I ask her, doing my best to sound calm.
“How’d you know I was at the game?”
“People saw you. Does it matter?”
“No.” She sighs. “You were great. You’re the reason Arcana High has a chance to win the state title this year. Colt has quit football for good after last night. Not that he told me. Someone else did.”
“I don’t give a shit what Colt does.”
She narrows her eyes. “I know. I saw you laughing when he was thrown out of the game.”
“He did it to himself.” We’re getting off track. I’m not here to talk about football or freaking Colt.
Tori nods. “I guess we all do things to ourselves.”
I don’t understand. But I need to ask her the question. “Tori, are you pregnant?”
She blinks. She looks away. “No.”
I take a step toward her. She takes a step back.
“But you thought you might be pregnant?”
She turns back to me with a look of disgust. “Do you have spies all over Arcana reporting back to you now that you’re the bigshot quarterback?”
“I can’t control what people talk about. I heard you were seen buying a pregnancy test.”
“Where were you when you heard that?”
I don’t know what she means. “At the same lame ass bonfire party that someone always throws after a game. What difference does it make? I didn’t even know you were in town. You haven’t answered my calls in days.”
“I guess you had fun at the party. I wasn’t having fun last night. But I’m not pregnant.”
“Tori.” If she’ll just let me hold her then I know I can fix this.
“However, even if I was pregnant, there would have been no guarantee that it was yours.”
She might as well have shot me with those words. I know there’s that one guy who’s always hanging around and staring at her with puppy dog eyes. One day when I showed up he was trying to put his hands on her.
My anger explodes. Terrible words, words that I want to say to her, run through my head like a vicious marquee. We’ve been on the rocks for weeks. Between the physical distance and Colt’s antics and my struggle to accept my mother’s death and her stubborn refusal to put herself – and us – first, it’s been rough. Now she’s even stopped answering my calls. I don’t know what to think.
And then I do.
She’s lying.
“That’s bullshit,” I growl, sure that I’m right. “You haven’t been with anyone else.”
She hasn’t. But she hates me enough to want me to think she has. And that might be even worse.
Tori laughs and it’s a raspy, unhappy sound. “You think you’re the only one who can fuck around?”
“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about. I haven’t been fucking around at all.”
It’s the truth. All I’ve been doing is killing myself training with the team and brooding over the girl who I thought was my girlfriend.
For a second she looks unsure. Then she shakes her head. “I can’t.”
“You can’t what?”
“This. You. I can’t.”
That terrible night when my father blurted out that my mother was dead and had been for years was the worst pain I’d ever known. Until now. I cried that night. I cried until my chest felt like caving in. I don’t know why I can’t cry now.
“So that’s it? We’re done?”
She turns to the wall and touches the taped paint swatches. “Think I’ll go for the light grey.”
“Who gives a shit about paint? What the fuck is the matter with you?”
She shakes her head. “Just go away, Jace.”
“No.”
“It’s not a request.”
“Okay. Tell me that what we have means nothing to you and I’ll go away.”
You won’t be able to do it. You won’t be able to say that. I KNOW YOU!
Then Tori Malene, the person I love more than I’ll ever love anything or anyone else, gazes at me with cold pity. And proves me wrong.
“You’re nothing to me, Jace. Nothing. Go away and leave me alone.”
The room tilts. My vision swims. I’d give the world if I could scrape this moment from my mind. Yet already I know that I’ll be condemned to replay it forever.
“Fuck you. Victoria.” If I don’t get out of here then I’ll erupt into a sobbing mess and fall at her feet, erasing what little dignity remains.
“Wait.” She’s searching for something on her desk. She hands me the folder containing my latest unfinished story, the one she begged to read. “This is yours.”
I grab it out of her hand and storm out. She doesn’t call me back a second time.
When I crash through the front door, I get an unwelcome surprise. Colt is standing in the driveway. He’s alone now but he looks no friendlier than he did before. My best friend from the age of six watches with silent disinterest as I savagely tear up the folder in my hands and stuff it into the garbage can that’s beside the curb waiting to be collected.
And I’m not finished.
The second I get home it’s all gone, everything. Every story I ever wrote will be deleted from my computer, every notebook I ever kept will be thrown in the trash where it belongs.
Words and feelings are all knotted together. You can’t create words worth reading without plundering the depths of your heart. I want no part of that shit, not ever again.
As for Tori and Colt Malene, they can carry on with their miserable lives without me.
From this moment on, I am untouchable.