Till It Hurts by Cora Brent
Tori
Now
The sound of Jace’s bare footsteps are well-known to me by now. I roll over and lean on my elbow to watch his silhouette enter the kitchen, lit only by a strip of tiny bulbs beneath the cabinet. He quietly runs the faucet with no idea that I’m committing the sight of his serious expression and strong shoulders to memory.
I’ll be calling on that memory constantly in the coming weeks. Early tomorrow morning, Jace and Colt are driving me to Arizona and I don’t know exactly when I’ll be coming back.
Colt turned in two hours ago. These days my brother is early to bed and early to rise. He will have no trouble waking up and getting behind the wheel before dawn so he volunteered to drive for the first half of the trip. We should be there by late tomorrow afternoon.
“Hey, Third.”
Jace raises his head and turns off the water. “I didn’t wake you, did I?”
“No. I’ve been staring at the ceiling and thinking. Will you sit with me for a minute?”
Jace wears only his boxers and I can’t help but feel the natural stir of desire as his hard body climbs into bed. He sits propped against a sofa cushion and carefully pulls me close until my back rests on his chest. He crosses his arms over mine to wrap me in his warmth.
I stroke his arm. “I already miss McClane.” Due to our early planned departure time, this afternoon McClane was dropped off for his brief vacation at the home of Paul Elkins.
Jace chuckles. “McClane will miss you too.”
“I never knew you came to my graduation. Rochelle told me while she was here.”
He’s quiet for a moment. “I just couldn’t get you out of my head and I thought if I saw you… I don’t know. Your father told me to leave, that you didn’t want to talk to me. He said I was ruining your day.”
“No. I didn’t know you were there. I wish I had known.”
“And I wish I hadn’t left.”
I swallow and take a deep breath. “I’m nervous.”
“That’s fine.” He presses his lips into my hair. “It’s normal to be nervous. I have faith in you.”
The wind picks up outside and the steady drum of raindrops beats against the door to match my melancholy mood. I have no doubt that I’m doing what I need to do. I’m just already mourning the fact that at this time tomorrow I won’t be in Jace’s arms. There are things I want to say to him, things I need to say to him.
Because before I can begin a new journey, I need to finish my last one.
“Jace, I’d like to tell you about it, about the night of the rivalry game.”
He props his chin on top of my head. “Yes, I wish you would.”
I need a minute to gather strength from a couple of deep breaths before I begin.
Jace waits. He keeps his arms locked around me until I’m ready to speak.
“My period was very late. I wasn’t always regular, so I tried to tell myself it was nothing. But I’m sure you recall that we didn’t use protection that one time in my room and I think I already knew. Jace, I wasn’t ignoring your calls. My mother took my phone away. And I damn well never spoke to anyone at the school newspaper. The things I said were overheard the night of Colt’s party and taken out of context.”
I can feel him nodding. He’s listening to every word.
The next part is agony to unravel.
I have to do it anyway.
“I caught a ride to the game. While I was sitting in the stands I began to feel sick. The game ended and I looked for you. By the time I found you outside the gym, you were with a bunch of other people and you were leaving. You didn’t see me and I should have called out but I didn’t. Instead, I walked to the Arcana Drugstore and bought a pregnancy test. Then I walked here. I was hoping Gloria would be home by then. She wasn’t. But your father was here. He just laughed and said you were out with another girl before he shut the door in my face. My pain kept getting worse, horrible cramps that kept me doubled over. I managed to get to my dad’s house and by this time I was bleeding heavily. I miscarried on the bathroom floor. Rochelle brought me to the emergency room in Plainsfield but there was nothing they could do. It was over.”
The sound of the rain accelerates with the rise of the wind and then fades.
I have never said the words out loud before.
Jace shudders through ragged breaths.
I don’t need to see his face to know that he’s crying.
My small hand feels for his large one and flattens his palm carefully over my belly. In this moment I allow myself, for the first time ever, to mourn what I lost.
What we lost.
“Tori,” Jace chokes out, keeping his hand on my stomach.
I add my other hand to cover his. “I know I was horrible to you when you came to the house the next day. Jace, I’m so sorry. It just broke me. I stayed like that, angry and broken, for a long time. I don’t blame you for anything, not at all. You were suffering through your own ordeals.”
He inhales deeply. Exhales slowly. He lets me hear the tears in his voice. “I wasn’t out cheating. I wasn’t with anyone at all. I swear to you. I spent the night at the bonfire celebration sitting alone and constantly checking my phone. I must have messaged you thirty times. I thought you were keeping your distance because that’s the way you wanted it. I thought you hated me and so I tried to hate you back. Fuck. I walked away too easily. I gave up on us. I’ll regret that forever.”
“Jace.” I bury my face in his chest and sob. “What have we done to each other?”
He rubs my back and cries with me. “We wasted time, too many heartbreaking years when we should have been together.”
“We’re together now.” I pull him down on top of me, needing to feel his weight and his strength.
He breathes into my neck. “There’s no one else for me, Victoria. There never was. There never will be.”
“I love you, Jace.”
We kiss and we keep kissing. We had already made a promise that we wouldn’t have sex tonight, not with Colt in the next room and not until I’m truly home again. We don’t break our promise. We kiss for a long time. But we can’t lie together and not want each other. Jace reaches between my legs to give me relief with his hand and I take it, rocking slowly with the pressure of his fingers until the climax peaks and shatters my senses in one delicious wave after another. Then I stroke him through his boxers until he throbs and explodes with same kind of ecstasy.
We fall asleep together and we awaken at the same time when Colt slams into the kitchen at five a.m. in search of breakfast.
“Hitting the road in thirty minutes,” he announces, with more energy than should be legal at this hour.
Jace grumbles some obscenities and covers his face with a pillow. Colt threatens to toss ice water on his head so he finally rises, glares at my brother, and then shuffles off to the shower.
I’m already packed. All that’s left to do is shower and eat a quick breakfast. I’m still nervous and honestly, I don’t feel terrific. It’s only the resolute conviction in my decision that helps me leave this house and confront the challenging weeks ahead.
Colt drives Jace’s truck and Jace keeps his arm around me in the backseat. The dark and serene streets of our hometown glide past the windows.
“I’ll be back,” I announce. Partly to myself. Partly to Jace and Colt. Partly to Arcana.
I’ll be back.
Jace squeezes my shoulder. “You will.”
Hours later, we are in another state and Jace and Colt have switched places. Jace is behind the wheel now and I see signs for Lordsburg, New Mexico. I’m thinking of when I passed through here with lonely, miserable uncertainty not too long ago. I’ll never be that alone again. But I will come this way one more time yet, the last time.
Sedona is breathtaking and if I found myself here for any other reason I would stop and take endless photos. But right now I’m anxious to get to my destination. I’m also dreading the coming goodbyes.
Painted Rock Recovery is in the midst of tranquil beauty and at first glance resembles a very high end resort. I’m sure I’ll learn to appreciate the scenery on a less emotional day. A placid lagoon brackets the grounds on one side and a rolling golf course stretches on the other. The main building is a sprawling Santa Fe style structure with rustic touches that were clearly chosen with painstaking care. Upon exiting the truck, we are greeted by soft meditation music piping from unseen speakers. A pair of polo-shirted young men appear, presumably to help with luggage and direct us inside. Or at least direct me inside. Colt and Jace will not be following.
Jace pulls my bags out of the truck while Colt sternly motions to the approaching men to stay back for a moment. My brother stares down at me and for a wisp of a second his lower lip trembles. I see the little boy who cried on the first day of kindergarten, the one who needed his big sister to walk him home.
“Know what I hate?” I ask.
He flashes a smile. “Not me, I hope.”
“Of course not. I hate that I won’t be seeing you for a while, just when I was getting used to having you back.”
My brother looks down and takes a thick breath in and out. Jace silently watches us in the background.
Colt raises his head and meets my eyes. His are swimming with tears. In response, a drop spills over my own cheek.
He swallows hard. “Tor, you do have me back. I’m sorry that I stayed away for so long. I’ll never do that again.”
Colt opens his arms and I rush into them and it’s a hug unlike any other. It’s family and love and shared history and hope.
“You’ll get through this,” he whispers in my ear. “You will, Tori.”
I try to nod but now I’m sobbing all over Colt’s flannel shirt. He pats my back and then gently pulls away so that Jace can step in. Colt turns to face the lagoon and give us a moment of privacy.
“Thank you, Jace,” I tell him. The words are hardly adequate. Jace sees me. He’s always seen me. This time he understood the truth and helped me to face it too.
Jace gives me the tenderest of looks and runs the back of his hand over my cheek. “You have no idea how much I’ll miss you.”
I close my eyes and savor these last seconds of his touch. “Oh, I have a pretty good idea.”
“Remember this.” He tips my chin up. “I’ll always wait for you. I’ll always root for you.” He kisses the top of my head. “And I’ll always love you.”
Our lips meet, only briefly. There are many different kisses in the world and I’ve felt them all with him. There are kisses of intense passion and dreamy romance and playful affection and deep love. This kiss is all of those things in a fleeting instant. This kiss is us. Who we were, who we are, who we hope to be.
“I love you too, Jace.”
I do. Still. Always.
Jace Zielinski is my future, my soul mate, and I will be going home to him. I’ll win this fight against the shadows that have been tearing me to bits.
Colt motions to one of the attendants that I’m ready. The guy swiftly and silently retrieves my bags. I know they’ll need to be searched but there’s nothing in there to find. I handed over the pill bottle to my brother an hour ago.
“This way,” the man murmurs with kindness and the second attendant opens the double doors at the top of the steps.
I climb the steps alone because this is a solitary battle. Jace and Colt have brought me as far as they could. I will take it from here.
The open door beckons and before stepping into the fragrant, cool interior I turn for one more look.
There they are, standing side by side, two essential pieces of my heart. Colt raises a hand to say farewell for now, only for now. Jace deliberately places a palm on his chest, mirroring the gesture he used to make during that charmed season when we fell for each other.
You are my heart.
I answer him with the same gesture, just as I did then.
And you are mine.