Till It Hurts by Cora Brent
Jace
Now
Colt is the first one to learn my decision. I tell him just after we cross the state line into Texas shortly after dawn.
He nearly drives off the road. “You’re shitting me.”
“Nope. Don’t crash into that horse trailer.”
Colt moves two lanes to the right and shoots me a perplexed glance. “You’ve got at least ten years of good playing time ahead of you. Why in the hell would you retire now?”
This has been on my mind a lot, even more so lately. I might have opted to retire even before returning to Arcana. Finding Tori again just sealed the deal.
“Because I don’t want to play anymore. Because I don’t want to wind up like my friend Leon and wreck my heath because I used my head as a battering ram one too many times. Because that high stakes place in the spotlight won’t let me have what I want the most.”
“And what’s that?”
“A peaceful life with the girl I love.”
He’s quiet and keeps his eyes on the road. Two country music songs later he asks, “Does she know?”
“Not yet. Look, this is going to be huge news when it leaks and Tori doesn’t need that kind of pressure right now. I need to sit on this for the time being so can you keep it to yourself?”
He chuckles. “And here I was, about to tweet out the press release to all of mankind.”
In response, I flip the radio dial. Colt sputters but I’ve endured his beloved country music for well over a thousand highway miles so he can deal with a change for this final leg of the journey. I keep flipping the channels until I happen across one in the midst of a Guns N Roses song. It’s Tori’s kind of music and it’s a sweet reminder that I’ll be with her again soon.
This has been a strange road trip. On the one hand, Colt and I have no trouble lapsing back into old sarcastic conversation patterns. On the other hand, a lot of subjects remain untouched.
Maybe Colt’s thinking the same thing now that we’re back within the borders of our home state. “I’ve thought about calling you. More than once.”
“What stopped you?”
He shifts his weight and taps his fingers on the steering wheel. “Didn’t think you’d want to hear from me.”
In all honesty, I’m not sure how I would have reacted to receiving a call from Colt out of the blue. Shock would have prevailed at first. But I wouldn’t have cut him off. No, I wouldn’t have done that.
“I almost did call you after Gloria died,” he adds. “She had given me your phone number.”
“Did she?”
“Yeah, she would send Christmas cards, or at least try to. I never stayed in one place for very long but sometimes they’d find me and a postscript on the back would always include your cell phone number.”
“What would you have said if you did call?”
Colt was never one to get all dreamy and sentimental. That’s why I don’t doubt his words are the truth. “I would have said that I’m proud of you, Jace.” He glances at me. “And I’m damn sorry about that tackle. I think about it a lot.”
“Forget about the rivalry game. Hell, I’ve been hit with far worse cheap shots since then.”
“I’m sorry just the same.”
That means something. Actually, that means a lot. “Thanks, man.”
He checks out a road sign that lists Arcana. We’re sixty miles away. “Have you told her that we’re closing in?”
“No. She doesn’t even know you’re with me.”
“What happens when we get there?”
I’m uneasy about the possibilities. Tori still walks a treacherous path. We can hold her hand and direct her elsewhere, but the hard choices are ultimately hers.
“I don’t know,” I admit and fear slices through my chest.
We decide to stop for breakfast before traveling the last miles to town. We choose a pancake house where the walls are decorated with rusted kitchen antiques and take a seat beside a window that offers a view into the parking lot so we can keep an eye on Colt’s truck. Everything he owns is carefully stored in the back bed and he wasn’t fooling about not having much shit to his name. He doesn’t.
The silence at the table isn’t uncomfortable. We’re both tired and distracted with thoughts and worries, all about Tori.
He looks up when he hears me huff out a breath of laughter.
I point to his plate. “You still drown everything in hot sauce.”
Colt shrugs. “Some things don’t ever change.” To emphasize, he shakes more tabasco over his scrambled eggs.
Within an hour, Arcana welcomes us home.
“Damn.” He squints through the bug-splattered windshield. “Feels weird to be back here.”
“Do you remember the way?”
He rewards my question with a withering look. I grin to show that I’m fucking with him. Colt laughs.
“Eat shit, Zielinski.”
“Nah, I’ll wait for a better offer.”
We’ve said these exact words to each other before. I can’t remember when, but I know that we have.
Colt makes a right on Tumbleweed Lane and slows to a crawl as he takes in the sight of the street he grew up on. The vehicle situation at Gloria’s house is getting crowded. Tori’s car is in the carport. Rochelle’s car is parked behind it in the single car driveway. And my truck is beside the curb where I left it. Colt has to park in front of the house next door, his old house. He cuts the engine and just stares.
I stare with him. “Memories.”
He unbuckles his seatbelt. “A fucking tidal wave of them.”
The hour is not super early so I hope no one is still sleeping inside. Colt waits three feet to my right as I dig my key out at the front door. I’m slightly surprised that McClane isn’t barking up a joyful storm at my homecoming. The door nudges open before I even get a chance to turn the key in the lock.
Rochelle peers out. And smiles.
“Didn’t know you were on your way home,” she says and then movement catches her attention. Her eyes widen.
“Hi, Rochelle,” Colt says, somewhat shyly.
“Colt.” She rushes outside and grabs her stepson in a hug, whether he wants one or not. “It’s been far too long.”
“It has,” he agrees and returns her hug with some awkwardness. She steps back and beams up at him.
I glance through the open door. There’s no sign of Tori. “How is she?”
Rochelle’s smile drops a notch. “She’s doing the best she can. She’ll be so glad to see you, both of you. She’s in the backyard. With the weather being so perfect, she went out there after breakfast to read but when I glanced out the window it looked like she’d fallen asleep.”
Colt stuffs his hands in his pockets. Suddenly he seems unsure of himself. “Is it all right if I go out there to see her?”
Rochelle gives him a reassuring smile. “Of course. You don’t have to ask permission, Colt. This is home. She is your sister.”
He’s slow and cautious about entering the house, like he’s expecting a jump scare. I start to follow him and then pause to ask Rochelle a question.
“Where the hell is my dog?”
She laughs. “He took your departure command seriously. He’s outside with Tori. He hardly leaves her side.”
Colt is suspended in the middle of the living room. His attention lands on the photo of a very young Gloria and Jacek on the piano and his face falls as he remembers that Gloria is gone.
I clap a hand on his shoulder and steer him toward the back door. “Let’s go. She’s waiting for us.”
That’s not literally true because Tori doesn’t even know that Colt is with me. Yet by my calculation it’s technically true. I believe Tori has always been waiting for her brother’s return.
The backyard has received a colorful facelift. Tori and Rochelle have been busy planting assorted spring flowers in all the garden beds and in every empty pot.
Then I see her and suddenly there’s nothing else worth looking at. She’s barefoot and wearing cutoff shorts. She has spread an old picnic blanket between the young fruit trees and she’s lying on her belly, her eyes closed, her face turned to the side to catch the warmth of the morning sun as she slumbers in the crook of her arm with her hair spilled around her head. The sight of her summons such a surge of love and tenderness it’s nearly painful in its raw demand.
McClane is posed right beside her on the blanket like a canine statue with his head up and his nose twitching. I raise my hand and snap my fingers to give him the permission he’s looking for. He bounds over here full speed ahead to tackle me.
“Good boy,” I murmur and roughly scratch the dog’s ears while keeping an eye on Colt as he slowly crosses the yard.
Colt drops down to his knees and spends a few seconds just gazing at his sleeping sister. Then he exhales loudly and dips his head with distress, possibly thinking about all the grief and heartache Tori has been through, and how he had no idea that he’d recently come close to losing her forever.
I understand. Lately my own mind has gone to the same horrifying place again and again.
“Tor?” He touches her shoulder.
Tori’s lashes flutter. A split second later she’s upright with her hair wild and her eyes wide.
“COLT!” She doesn’t wait. She launches directly at him and he opens his arms at once. It’s a hug that’s been a long time coming and it’s a hell of a thing to see.
Tori clutches her brother through sobs and he cries too as he holds her.
I hear him say, “I’m sorry.”
She answers, “So am I.”
Colt promises, “I’m here now.”
And she lays her cheek on his shoulder while he pats her back as if she were a small child in need of comfort. I guess that’s something we all need now and then, no matter how old we get.
McClane whines a little, perhaps wondering when he’ll be invited to join this emotional reunion.
Tori picks her head up and sees me. She squeezes her brother one more time and then jumps to her feet. I’m on my way to meet her when she leaps into my arms. Her legs wrap around my waist and our mouths unite. I don’t care who is watching. I refuse to be shy about kissing her like she’s the most important thing in the world to me, which she is.
“I’m so glad you’re back,” she whispers when we break for air.
My arms want to keep the weight of her body forever close. I’m desperate to protect her and love her and worship her. It kills me to know that soon I’ll need to set her down and confront the ugliness of the challenges ahead.
I see that Colt is watching us. He’s happy and he’s sad too. We exchange a nod. McClane considers this his cue to introduce himself. He presses his paws on Colt’s chest, possibly assessing his worth, before finding him satisfactory enough for a face lick.
“You’re some dog,” Colt comments while ruffling McClane’s ears and to prove this is a fact, McClane runs to the far reaches of the yard, retrieves a bald tennis ball and drops it at Colt’s feet.
Tori finally unravels her legs from my waist. She smiles at the sight of her brother playing with the dog. I cup my hand around the back of her neck and massage lightly. She looks up at me. We kiss again.
“I knew you’d bring him home,” she whispers.
This is a beautiful moment and I give into the enjoyment of it.
Even though I’m well aware that there are very hard days just ahead.