Till It Hurts by Cora Brent
Tori
Now
Rochelle sticks around to visit with Colt for a little while, but she’s eager to get home to Carrie.
She and Jace have a private word by the front door before she leaves. She asks him a question and he nods. Then Jace leads the way out to the car with her suitcase in hand and I’m alone in the living room with my brother.
While I sit on the couch, he’s seated in Gloria’s armchair, but his posture is packed with tension as he perches on the edge of the cushion. He’s more of a serious man now and this still manages to startle me, that the rowdy little brother who made me chase him throughout every corner of Arcana has turned so solemn.
And bearded. Colt has a beard now.
“Feels strange to be here without Gloria, doesn’t it?” I ask him, mostly because I’m searching for something to say in order to fill the silence.
He bobs his head. “It sure does.”
“Jace told you everything, didn’t he?”
Colt looks me in the eye. His remain as vividly blue as ever. “Yes, he did.”
I keep adjusting my posture, tucking my legs underneath me, rolling my palms over my thighs. I’m nervous and I can’t explain why. My brother is here. Jace is here. I’m here. We are together for the first time in so long. I should be thrilled and I am.
I also can’t ignore why we’re all here.
Jace returns and reclaims his seat on the couch beside me. We hold hands. Colt regards us with some amusement.
“So how long has this been going on?” he asks. The question doesn’t sound at all unfriendly. He’s curious, or perhaps just trying to make conversation. When there’s so much to say, someone has to start somewhere.
“Not long,” I admit. “But every minute has been wonderful.”
Jace thinks this is hilarious. “Every minute?”
I pinch him. “Almost. Save the ones when you were being an unredeemable prick.”
“I guess there were a couple of those.”
I plant a kiss on his lips. “Just a couple.”
Colt still looks fascinated to see us together.
I know it’s time to tell my brother what I’m sure he’s already heard. “I came here because I lost my apartment and I didn’t have much cash left. I had a ton of medical bills and hadn’t worked in six months, not since I was assaulted by my boss.”
Colt straightens his spine. He’s looking now. He’s looking at my face. I tuck my hair behind my ears so that he can see it’s not so terrible.
But Colt breathes hard and gets angry. “And from what I hear, the guy’s still walking around all healthy and free?”
“Unfortunately, yes. No one believed me. The attack was blamed on a patient. You see, I was collecting evidence that the practice was neck deep in major insurance fraud. He figured out what I was up to and he devised the quickest way to shut me up.”
Jace’s expression has grown angry now too. He glances at Colt.
“Anyway.” I pull at a strand of fabric on my shorts. “That’s how I ended up back here in Arcana. My finances were a wreck and I was terrified all the time. I couldn’t go anywhere without the fear that I was being watched. I needed to get away. Being back here has been a fresh start.”
Colt cuts right to the chase. “But you’re still afraid, aren’t you? And you’re addicted to painkillers.”
I didn’t plan to cry. I never do. A tear rolls down my cheek anyway. “Yes. And yes.”
Jace kisses my hand. He’s on my side and I know this. Yet I flinch when he asks his question.
“Have you taken any today, honey?”
More hot tears crowd my eyes but I don’t lie to him. “I just couldn’t sleep. It was three a.m. and my heart wouldn’t stop pounding and my head ached. I just…needed to sleep.” I feel like I should explain but my voice breaks. “I tried not to take any. I swear to god I tried.”
Colt closes his eyes and his shoulders sag.
“They’re in my purse,” I blurt out. “You can take them right now. You can throw them away! I won’t try to get more, I promise.”
Jace bends his arm in order to pull me close. “It’s okay, sweetheart.”
But it’s not.
We all know this is not okay at all.
My brother opens his eyes. He doesn’t gaze at me with pity but with clear eyed love and support. “What do you want to do, Tor?”
I already know the answer, but I need a minute to catch my breath before I can say it.
Jace keeps his arm around me.
Colt waits with patient encouragement.
“I want to get better. I want to live without calculating when I can take the next pill. I want to work. I want to be strong for the people I love. I want to have a future and be happy.”
Colt gives this a minute to sink in.
Then he tilts his head and smiles sadly. “You’re my big sister. And you took care of me for so long. It’s my turn to take care of you now.”
He means every lovely word. However, I know what drug withdrawal looks like. And I have to be honest.
“Colt, I don’t want you to see me like that. I don’t want either of you to see me like that.” I swallow hard. “I’m sorry.”
“No.” Jace cradles me closer. “Don’t be sorry.”
“We’ll figure something out,” Colt adds but his glance at Jace is troubled.
Out of nowhere, McClane decides that he deserves to be a lapdog. And furthermore, Colt’s lap is the place all ninety something pounds of him needs to be.
“Cheers for McClane, always ready to provide much needed comic relief.” I clap and feel highly entertained as I watch my brother try to urge the dog to seek a different seat.
Jace seems slightly miffed. “If I didn’t know better, I would say I’ve been replaced.” He snaps his fingers.
McClane looks up and licks his snout.
“Remember me?” Jace says. “Your best friend on earth?”
The dog yawns. He still refuses to move.
It’s no small miracle to see Jace and Colt in the same room again and I’m curious to hear all about their road trip.
“Your brother tried to ditch me at a gas station outside Fort Collins, Colorado,” Jace declares.
Colt cranes his neck to see around the hulking shape of McClane. “I told you it was an accident. You were in the shitter when I finished at the pump and I went into auto pilot mode. I’m used to traveling alone.”
Jace tries to look traumatized. “Good thing the clerk felt some pity. She offered me free strips of stale teriyaki jerky and said I could sleep in the tin shed out back if no one returned to claim me.”
My brother rolls his eyes. “But I did return.”
“Took you an hour. It was dark by then. I was scared. A pack of wolves were circling and setting up an attack plan. I’m pretty sure they weren’t ordinary wolves. They stood as high as horses and their teeth were the size of wild boar tusks.”
“You’re telling stories now. I didn’t notice any wolves. Let alone ones that were horse-sized.”
Jace is indignant. “Did you even look?”
“All I saw was you sitting on the curb with your mouth happily stuffed with jerky.”
“What can I say?” Jace shrugs. “I’m a nervous eater.”
“The fuck you are. By the way, your dog is crushing my balls.”
“At least someone want to give your balls some attention.”
“Eat shit, Zielinski.”
Jace extends his middle finger. “Get some new lines, Malene.”
All the while I’m laughing at them and my chest no longer feels so heavy.
In time, Colt announces that he’s hungry again and wants to know what’s still open in town.
“Dave’s is still around. He and his son run the place together now.” I check my watch. “And they just opened.”
“Great.” Colt finally manages to unload McClane and stands up to stretch. “I require at least five beef tacos followed by a long nap.”
“You can stay in Gloria’s room,” I tell him. “That’s where Rochelle was staying.”
He shrugs, as if to say it doesn’t matter much to him where he sleeps. “Fine.”
Jace rubs my neck. “Why don’t you go with him?”
“Don’t you want to come too?”
“I’ll stay here. Give you guys a chance to hang out without me dominating the conversation.”
I bat my lashes at him. “But I like it when you’re dominant.”
“Have some mercy.” Colt covers his ears and grimaces. “I can’t unhear that.”
The weather is stunning and I suggest walking to Dave’s. It’s not far and in the childhood days before driver’s licenses we used to walk this route all the time.
Once we’re outside, Colt gets quiet. He keeps his hands in his pockets and examines the sidewalk as he tries to measure his steps to mine.
Two virtually silent blocks later, I smack his forearm with a playful elbow. “Do your conversational skills tend to lapse without Jace around?”
“Not quite. I’m just afraid I’ll say the wrong thing.”
“Don’t be. I’m not as fragile as I seem. By the way, I’m having trouble with the beard.”
He touches his chin. “You hate it?”
“No. But now you appear more mature than I do and it’s disconcerting.”
Colt grunts out a laugh. He then stops to appraise me. It seems he is on the verge of speaking but then he changes his mind and resumes walking.
“Hey.” I trot to his side. “Don’t do that. What were you going to say?”
His blue eyes search the horizon. “Nothing important.”
“Tell me or I’ll order Jace to beat you up.”
He’s offended. “Snowball’s chance in hell that’ll happen.”
“Then tell me something else. Tell me about your life. Do you have a girlfriend?”
“Nope.”
“Why not?”
He’s getting exasperated. “Because I don’t stick to one landscape and haven’t found anyone worth the trouble lately.”
“Okay. Let me ask a different question.”
“Go for it.”
“Why didn’t you call me back, Colt?”
He stops again. “I’m sorry about that. Jace said you’ve been trying to reach me. My phone got damaged a couple of weeks ago and I haven’t gone to the trouble to replace it.”
“I’m not just talking about this past week. I mean, why don’t you ever call me? Why do you answer my texts with one word? Why don’t we see each other?”
It’s too soon to unload all of this. Colt just drove halfway across the country for me. I shouldn’t start off with an interrogation.
Colt has resumed his examination of the sidewalk. Then he raises his head and lets me see his misery.
“I tend to mess things up for you, Tor. And that’s the last thing I want. So, yeah, I guess I did keep my distance. I didn’t want to get in your way.”
I cross my arms and bite my lip to chase away the grief and the years of misunderstanding. “No, you couldn’t get in my way, Colt. And you don’t mess things up for me. I’m sorry that I’ve made you feel that way.”
He’s still unhappy. “You’re not responsible for making me feel anything. I’ve given you no reason to believe that you can count on me. I know it’s a tall order, but I hope it’s not too late for me to make it up to you. I would give anything to be your brother again.”
“Colt.” I hug his arm. “You’ll always be my brother. Without you, there’s an irreplaceable hole in my life. Don’t you know that?”
Finally, he smiles. A real smile. My little brother outshines the sun when he smiles.
“Come on.” I get behind him and push. “I’m starting to get hungry too. And lucky you, I forgot to bring money so you’re paying.”
We order enough takeout food to feed about eight people and their dates. Before I can ask, Colt thinks to include the chicken taquitos that have always been Jace’s favorite. Then on the walk home we decide that we’re too hungry to wait so we amble through the streets of Arcana dripping pieces of shredded cheese and dime-sized drops of hot sauce.
Jace seems pleased with the food but he sticks it in the fridge and asks us to sit down.
“Listen, I’ve made a few calls. There’s a place in Arizona called Painted Rock Recovery. It is one of the best inpatient rehab facilities in the country. Usually it’s not easy to get a spot on short notice but I called in some favors and Tori, they have a place for you immediately if you want it.”
I’m rather stunned that he got this set up so quickly. “I’ve heard of it. And yes, it is one of the best facilities in the country. Also one of the most expensive. Jace, it must cost a fortune.”
Jace grins. “I have a fortune.” Then his grin fades. “It’s totally up to you. I won’t be put out if you say no.”
I chew my lip and then think out loud. “I’d be there for awhile. A month at least.”
He slips a steadfast arm around my shoulders. “And I’ll be right here waiting when you get out. It’s a beautiful location in Sedona and it’s the best care money can buy. But again, it’s your decision.”
I know he doesn’t want me gone. And I don’t want to be away from him, not at all. But I do sincerely want to get well. For me. For him. For us. None of my dreams will ever come true unless I take care of myself first. I have that chance right now. Not everyone does.
Then I see Colt is watching me and I hesitate. It’s not fair that just when I have him back I need to leave. I’m crushed at the thought that if I go, then I would have no idea when I might see him again.
But Colt has ideas of his own. “Tori, I want you to choose what’s best for you. No matter what you decide, I plan to see you through it. I’m going to stick around for as long as it takes for you to get better.”
I want to be tough enough to tell him that he doesn’t need to put his life on hold and hang around here, waiting for me to put myself back together.
But I’m not tough at the moment. I just want my brother around. I need him around.
My tears, never far from spilling these days, return for another visit.
“Promise?” I ask him, aware that I sound like a child right now, sniffling and begging for guarantees.
“I promise.” He jerks his thumb at Jace with a roll of his eyes. “Even if it means that I have to deal with that shithead every day.”
I laugh and wipe my tears. “He’s not so bad.”
Colt sighs. Then a grin splits his beard. “I know.”
I don’t want to make this decision lightly. I don’t think that I am.
“Yes.” I nod and take Jace’s hand. “Yes, I’ll go.”
Colt grins.
Jace hauls me into his lap and kisses me softly. “So proud of you,” he whispers.
I don’t know if I’m proud of myself, not yet.
But now I can clearly see ahead to a time when I will be.