A Vow of Forever by Lylah James

 

CHAPTER ONE

Julianna

The last time I walked down the aisle, I was left a broken mess.

The last time I spoke my vows to Killian, I was self-destructing.

He had left me at the altar, after whispering vows of hate in my ears and without a kiss to seal our union. Without even lifting my veil. In my path of martyrdom, I thought that was what I deserved. I pushed Killian to hate me… for my own selfish reasons.

To atone for my sins.

To seek redemption.

Forgiveness.

But I only ended leaving a trail of pain and destruction in my wake. I tormented Killian with my lies while blindly believing I was doing the right thing.

How the tables have turned.

Fate has a way of messing things up, oh well… fixing things that we are so hell bent on breaking.

Maybe it was a work of kismet, maybe it was meant all along…

I was playing with our fates, risking both our hearts in my attempt to fix our chapter.

Except our love story had already been written in stars, long before we were born. No matter how hard I tried to change it, Killian and I found our way back to each other again.

They say you never forget your first.

First love. First kiss. First touch. First everything.

And it was all true. We never forgot our firsts, but now, we wanted to rewrite our story.

Starting from the very beginning.

Our vows.

I never thought I’d walk down the aisle again or renew my wedding vows. Except Killian had other ideas.

His kisses woke me up. A kiss behind my ear and then his mouth trailed down lower. The back of my neck tingled at the soft touch of his lips. “Good morning,” Killian said in his raspy morning voice. He was spooning me from behind, his chest against my back and when I wiggled back into him, I felt his hard length probing into the curve of my ass.

“What are you doing?” I teased.

“Kissing my wife.”

I pouted even though he couldn’t see my face. “You woke me up.”

“I’m sorry for waking you up,” he said and I could feel his smirk against my flushed skin. “But I’m not sorry for kissing you. I’ve got three years of missing kisses to make up for, Princess.”

Was I swooning? Yes, a bit. My heart melted at the sound of adoration in his voice. I missed this side of Killian. The romantic side who treated me so delicately. Three years of hate and I finally had my old Killian back.

I let out an involuntary shudder when his strong arm curled around me and his hand drifted up to my chest. He cupped my breast, squeezing gently and a whimper escaped past my lips before I could stop myself.

“Sensitive?”

I gasped in response when he rolled my tight nipple between his fingers. “Yeah. More sensitive than they were yesterday.”

My husband kissed down my spine before he rolled me on my back and settled himself between my spread thighs. He cupped my tiny baby bump, barely protruding but it was there. Visible and slightly swollen with life. Killian grinned down at me and I found myself lost in his dark bedroom eyes, once again. God, he was rugged and handsome. His nose was slightly crooked, his eyebrows thick and his lashes long – I was most definitely envious of them. His lips full and that sneaky dimple under his rough stubble.

I got very lucky with this man.

“Why are you smiling like that?” he questioned, eyebrow raised.

“Why are you grinning like that?” I shot back.

His hands curled around my hips. “Because I get to hold you and kiss you every morning.”

“That was quite cheesy, Spencer.”

“I spent three years waking up alone and cold,” Killian muttered. “I’m not wasting any more moments, Mrs. Spencer.”

I didn’t think it was possible for my heart to be broken again, but this right there – his words and the torment in his eyes that he tried so hard to hide – it killed me.

“I’m so–”

His lips crashed against mine, silencing my heartbreak and swallowing my words. He slid his tongue across my bottom lip, teasing me. My lips parted for him and then his taste invaded my mouth. The kiss sent shivers through my nerves and it felt like every cell in my body was finally coming alive.

A tender kiss of apology.

A slow kiss of forgiveness.

A delicate kiss of mercy.

I drew in a staggered breath as a phantom fist squeezed my heart. I thought it’d be easy to move on, to start anew – but this was no fairy tale. My lies caused both of us indescribable pain and that hurt couldn’t just be forgotten. It was forever inked onto the pages of our story, a train wreck of a chapter before finding our happy ending.

“Marry me,” he rasped into my lips.

Confused, I pulled back. “What?”

“Marry me,” Killian repeated. “Marry me again.”

“Killian,” I breathed.

He grasped my left hand, lacing our fingers together before bringing the back of my hand to his mouth. His lips brushed over the engagement ring he gave me almost four years ago. “You wanted to rewrite our story, didn’t you?”

I nodded, speechlessly.

“Then we need to have a second wedding, with proper vows this time. No hate. No pretense. No lies. A real wedding, Julianna.”

“A real wedding,” I whispered.

Killian gave me a true smile. “A real wedding,” he agreed.

“I don’t want anything fancy.”

“Neither do I.”

“I want to have the wedding here, on the island,” I demanded, half-expecting him to refuse.

He leaned down and pressed his lip against my scarred cheek. My breath hitched at his touch and my scars tingled. “I agree. Tomorrow?”

“Tomorrow?” I squealed. “How-

“I’m not waiting any longer. I was going to demand today, but you’ll need to choose a dress.” The corner of his lips curled. “So, I’m settling for tomorrow and that’s it. I’m not waiting more.”

“There’s no rush, Killian. We are already married,” I tried to explain but he was shaking his head.

“On paper, yes. But our marriage is based on vows that I spoke out of anger and hatred. Those vows are now null. If we want to re-write our story, we need to start with our vows, Princess.”

When he proposed yesterday, it was nothing fancy. But it was enough for me. Enough for us.

And now I was getting ready to walk down the aisle. A second time. A real wedding, with true vows.

“There you go. All done,” Mirai announced, snapping me out of my thoughts. She moved beside me, so we were both facing the mirror. My makeup was minimal as I had asked; Mirai did a perfect job and my scars looked less prominent under the layers of foundation. I wasn’t exactly self-conscious about them, but my scars always reminded of that night.

It was an ugly, constant reminder of Gracelynn’s death.

That my sister died and I somehow survived.

That she lost her happy ending…

While I got my own.

My vision blurred before a lonely tear slid down my scarred cheek. God, I missed her. Especially today. I missed her easy smile and her deep laughter. I missed my sister, plain and simple.

My father’s hurt ego robbed my sister of her happily ever after. Of her unborn child and her love. How unfair it was that while he hated me; while I was always meant to be the victim of his elaborate murder plans – his real daughter turned out to be the casualty.

I thought I’d eventually become numb to the memories, to the pain of losing Gracelynn – but I was wrong. The pain never lessened. The misery never wavered. The guilt never eased. They were still heavy in my heart and my nightmares were a constant reminder of that. The anguish of that night; the despair of living with those memories; the grief of moving on without her.

“Julianna!” Mirai admonished. “You’re going to mess up your makeup.”

She dabbed my tears away, while mumbling under her breath. “No crying today, please.”

“I just–” I choked on my tears and swallowed my cry. “Sorry, you’re right. No crying today.”

“It’s a happy day.”

My heart swelled at her tender smile. “It’s a happy day,” I agreed.

Mirai took a step back and admired me from head to toe. She clucked her tongue in approval, nodding. “I can’t lie, I love this dress better than your other one.”

My wedding dress was simple compared to the extravagant one I wore to my first wedding. Yesterday, Killian had arranged for a wedding dress designer to come to the Island with over twenty dresses option. While they all ranged from simple to extravagantly beautiful, only one captured my eyes.

My chosen dress was composed of sheer lace and layers of tulles, with tiny flowers motif along the bodice and long sleeves, adding a whimsical touch. The bodice the dress was also delicately peppered with sheer of tulle, which complemented the sexy illusion neckline. Elegant and pretty.

I hoped Killian liked this dress. We were doing the “can’t see the bride before the wedding” ritual, and while he was pissed – of course, he was – Emily and Mirai had teamed up against him and had locked him out of the bedroom.

He pounded on the door for the first hour. He cursed a few times. Then tried to sweet talk me into opening the door for him… when that didn’t work, he went back to cursing.

After a while, Killian finally gave up.

Or I thought so.

My phone pinged with a message and I rolled my eyes.

“Does he ever give up?” Mirai mumbled.

I grabbed my phone off the vanity, only to see that it was in fact Killian messaging me. A giddy smile spread across my lips. “I guess not.”

Killian: Let me in.

Me: Why?

Killian: I want a kiss.

It wasn’t the first time Killian tried to convince me to open the door through texting. He almost succeeded a few hours ago, when he decided not to play fair by sending me dirty texts and getting me aroused.

Since I was pregnant, my libido was all time high. So I quickly figured out that his goal was to get me to come to him by having me all excited for his touch.

He almost won if it wasn’t for Mirai catching me trying to sneak out of the room.

Neither Killian nor I believed in superstitions. But if we could avoid any bad luck from hereafter, I wasn’t risking it.

Me: You can kiss me at the altar.

Killian: I want more than a kiss. Can’t do that at the altar.

By now, I was grinning so bad my cheeks were beginning to hurt. I had been so touch deprived, so love deprived for the last four years that I was now practically swooning at every little attention. Romantic Killian was my favorite Killian.

Me: You can do that after the wedding.

Killian: I fucked up.

Me: What do you mean?

Killian: I imagined you in your wedding dress, walking down the aisle to me… and then I imagined how fucking good it’d feel to rip that dress off you and eat you out like my favorite dessert. So now my dick is aching. You’re killing me, Princess.

Me: First, it’s not my fault your imagination decided to run so wild. Second, you ARE NOT ripping my dress off. I’ll be mad and instead of “consummating” our marriage as you desperately want to, you’ll be sleeping on the floor.

Killian: Let me in. Please.

Me: You really thought saying please was going to help your case?

Killian: Yes?

He sounded so hopeful in that one-word text that I imagined him pouting as he waited for me to open the door. A giggle escaped past my lips while I quickly typed back a message.

Me: Patience is a virtue.

Killian: I’m not fucking virtuous.

Me: I love you.

Killian: I love you too. Now, can I have pussy for a late lunch?

Me: Dinner.

Killian: Afternoon snack?

Me: Dinner.

Killian. Fuck.

Mirai let out a choked cough and I dropped my phone on the vanity, before meeting her eyes through the mirror. Her cheeks were tinted pink and she was biting back a smile.

A flush sneaked up my neck and my cheeks at the knowing look she was giving me. “Were you reading my texts?”

“Nope.”

I squinted at her suspiciously. “Liar.”

“You should have agreed to the afternoon snack.”

“Afternoon snack?” Emily bustled into the room, my white veil in her hands. “Are you hungry? I can make you a snack.”

“I don’t know about Julianna but I definitely think Killian is hungry,” Mirai mumbled.

Oh my God.

I let out a silent gasp but Emily was oblivious, thank God.

Mirai took my white, lace veil from her grandmother and came back to me. “Here it is.”

“Thank you.” My smile widened. “Can you help me?”

I faced the mirror and Mirai secured the veil over my head with the gorgeous handmade leaf tiara, embellished with tiny crystals, that Emily made me – as a wedding present. It was the only sparkly thing about my wedding outfit.

I had forgone any expensive jewelleries, except for the simple pearl earrings that was my something borrowed from Selene. After my mother’s death, she was the only mother figure I had. And when Gracelynn was gone, Selene was my only friend until I came to the island.

The last year, Selene wasn’t much in my life and I had missed her. One phone call later and after a few arrangements, she was able to make it to my second wedding.

“Where’s Selene?” I asked Emily as she helped Mirai arrange my veil.

“She’s doing a final check before the wedding.” She met my eyes through our reflection, smiling encouragingly. “To make sure all the arrangements are done properly and then she’ll get ready.”

I had everything now. Everything I wanted; everything I dreamed of. A real father – Gideon. Emily and Mirai were my friends. Selene was here, with her motherly smile. My husband loved me. I was only missing…

Gracelynn.

My chest tightened and I shook my head, refusing to think about how it hurt.

Taking a shaky breath, I smiled at my reflection. I was finally getting a real wedding and today was a happy day. Killian made sure of it. I wasn’t going to ruin it by being so bleak on such a joyous occasion.

***

An hour later, I found myself standing in front of the door that led to the back of the castle. My father’s gaze flitted to mine, cocking his head to the side as he studied me closely. “You look a little nervous.”

“Do you think Killian is nervous?”

He chuckled. “Not exactly. He’s just impatient.”

“Of course, he is,” I mumbled. “As long as he doesn’t leave me at the altar again.”

My father scowled. “He wouldn’t–”

“I’m joking,” I was quick to say. “I know he wouldn’t. Not this time. I’m not worried about that. Actually, I don’t know why I’m nervous. We’re already legally married and we’re just saying our vows again. But I think… yeah, I’m just a little nervous and a lot excited.”

“That’s expected from a bride,” he acknowledged before shaking his head, his lips curling with a rueful smile. “Killian drove everyone crazy today. He hasn’t been good company at all.”

“He hasn’t left my side since we came back from the hospital,” I said defensively.

It was true, Killian had been hovering since I woke up in the hospital. The surgery might have been a success and while the bullet left a physical scar, it was nothing compared to Killian’s trauma. He barely left my side since then and some nights, I’d wake up to him covered in cold sweats and lost in a nightmare where I couldn’t reach him.

“The man needs to let you breathe. His overprotectiveness will eventually suffocate you.”

I curled my fingers around the crook of his elbow. “I don’t mind it.”

“You say that now.” My father scoffed.

“He lost me once and almost lost me again,” I explained. “I think I understand why he won’t let me out of his sight for too lo–”

I hesitated when I noticed his half-smile. “Why are you smiling like that?”

“I like seeing you defending him, Jules,” he said slowly, with that same affectionate look in his eyes. “He loves you and I know you love him too. Hang on to that when your marriage gets hard.”

My throat constricted with heavy emotions and I gave my father a slow nod.

“Are you ready?” he asked in that fatherly tone he always used with me.

“Ready,” I whispered as he opened the door and we took our first step outside.

The sun was bright, in the afternoon sky and there was no music except for my own shaky breath. I curled my bare toes into the grass, feeling the slight dampness after the rain yesterday.

Oh God.

There were flowers everywhere.

That was the first thing I noticed and then my eyes caught him.

Killian.

He was standing at the end of the flowered aisle, under the domed gazebo that Elias had built for Arabella. He turned around and our eyes met.

Time slowed.

My heart drummed in my chest, so loudly I thought everyone could hear it.

A second passed.

I limped towards my husband. He was wearing a black suit, similar to what he always wore, and it appeared like he had been running his fingers through his hair too many times from the messy look of it.

Killian seemed completed bewildered at the sight of me walking down the aisle to him; completely and utterly dumbstruck. I watched as his expression changed from grumpy to awe and then adoration. The last time I had walked down the aisle, Killian hadn’t even bothered to turn around and this time…

He was right; if we wanted to re-write our story – this was where we needed to begin. Our vows.

The closer I got to him, the harder my heart raced. My stomach fluttered and dipped when we were finally within an arm distance.

As if he was too impatient to wait, Killian walked down the step and came to me. “I got her,” he said to my father, before curling his arm around my waist.

“You do?” my father questioned; his voice more serious than I had ever heard.

Killian’s arm tightened around me. “I got her then. I got her now and until my last breath.”

“You sound very arrogant, son.”

“I’m confident enough in the love I have for your daughter.” His voice deepened in a way that had a shiver zipped down my spine. “I made a mistake in the past but I’m not letting her go this time.”

“That’s what I wanted to hear.” My father finally released me and I leaned into Killian, the scent of him making me all warm and giddy.

He pressed his lips against my temple and my heart swooned. “Ranunculi, huh,” Killian remarked.

I looked down at my bouquet and nodded. “Our flowers. I specifically asked for white and pink Ranunculi.”

We walked up the steps and stood under the decorated gazebo, before the old and half-bald priest. He smiled kindly at us, taking in our embrace. “We are gathered here today–”

Killian and I turned to face each other when the priest started speaking. I could hear him but couldn’t make sense of his words over the pounding of my heart. My hands were clammy and a slight tingle ran down my spine.

My husband, without wasting another second, lifted my veil and then before I could breathe, before I could blink, his lips were on mine. Kissing me hard. Kissing me like he had been starving for me. Kissing me like he was a drowning man and needed this kiss to live, as if my lips could save him from an impending calamity. Killian swallowed my shocked gasp and kissed me harder, stealing my breath from my lungs and pouring his own down my throat.

“– the kiss is after the vows, Mr. Spencer.”

Our lips parted from each other when the priest’s voice interrupted us and my whole body flushed in embarrassment.

“I couldn’t wait,” Killian simply said, his lips still hovering over mine, so close. “You see, I’m neither a patient nor a virtuous man.”

The old man released an exasperated sigh. “Can we go ahead with the ceremony now?”

“Wait,” my husband said. He cradled my face between his big hands and gave me a simple peck on the lips and then a hard kiss, before finally pulling away. I was left breathless and aching, and Killian was smirking. “Okay, we’re ready now.”

The priest began speaking again and I tuned him out when he started talking about the meaning of marriage – the importance of the holy bond between husband and wife.

“Do you, Killian Spencer, take Julianna–”

“I want to say my own vows,” Killian interrupted.

“Right, okay. Go ahead.”

Killian’s hands tightened around mine and he laced our fingers together. A solemn look covered his face. “I’d always regret the day I spoke those hate vows to you, wishing I could take them back because I know damn well how much those words hurt you.”

I shook my head, my eyes stinging with unshed tears. “I hurt you too,” I whispered.

Killian’s lips curled with a bittersweet smile that broke my heart. “Today, I want to take you as my wife – the way I should have the first time. With proper vows,” Killian said, his voice deep and thick with rough emotions. “I promise to love you without condition, to honor you each and every day, to wipe away your tears and to make you smile harder. To make you laugh when you’re sad, to hold you when you’re hurting and to love you even when you can’t love yourself. I choose you, Julianna.”

There it was. The part of our story that seriously needed a re-write. The part where I never gave him a chance to choose me. In the past, I took that choice from him. Ripped it away like a fool and a merciless lover. And now, he was choosing me. Against all odds. After everything. Leaving all the pain and lies behind – the secrets and manipulations, Killian was choosing me as his wife.

There was so much conviction in his voice when he continued to speak.

“I chose you then, and I choose you now and I choose for the rest of our lives. I choose you because you’re the strongest woman I’ve ever met. You battled everything ugly and harsh, and look at you – you came out alive and fighting, you rose from the ashes and you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. I choose you because you make my heart happy. I choose you because your soul is pure. I choose you because you were made for me. I vow to put all my effort in making this marriage work and to give you the best version of me. Good days or bad days, I will give you the best of me because you don’t deserve anything less, Princess. For as long as we both shall live, I will be by your side–for better or worse, in sickness and health, for richer or poorer. You are my one and only today and every day. Do you? Do you… choose me? Do you take me as your husband?”

A strangled sound left my throat before I could stop myself. I nodded when I couldn’t find my voice. “I do,” I said quietly and then louder, more assured. “I do, Killian. I choose you.”

“Would you like to say your own vows?” The priest asked me.

“Yes,” I said. “I, Julianna Spencer, choose you Killian Spencer to be my husband and my partner through life and ever after. I vow to always honor you, to love you, to comfort you, to encourage you and to never give up on us. Whether we are at our best or our worst, I will be your wife and your best friend. I will share your hopes and your dreams. I vow to always put us first, to always choose us, when time gets hard. I will love you even when you make me mad. I will love you even we’re fighting, because I know at the end of the day, we will always comfort each other. I will go to battle for you. I will fight the world for you and because marriage is both ugly and beautiful, I vow to walk through the ugly and beautiful with you. For better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part. Do you take me, as your wife?”

I was crying by the time I was done speaking my vows and Mirai’s beautiful work at my makeup was probably messed up.

“Till death do us part, I do,” Killian solemnly vowed.

My heart was bursting as we exchanged our rings. I slid the black gold band over his finger, finally feeling at peace. Truly.

We did it.

A new chapter… as we closed the old one. But it wasn’t the end.

Only the beginning.

This chapter didn’t use a tedious pen or a pretty ink. But every word was spilled from our tongues, as his lips met mine and while our kisses turned into paragraphs.

His heartbeat matched mine.

And it was the perfect page within our story.