A Vow Of Hate by Lylah James

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

 

THE PAST

 

Julianna

 

 

 

Two weeks later

 

“Nope,” I deadpanned.

Killian stood in front of me, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows and the first three buttons of his black dress shirt undone. His dark hair was messy as if he had raked his fingers through them way too many times.

My gaze darted to the riding crop in his hand and then quickly back to his eyes. It was the way Killian carried himself – so confident and controlled, the air practically crackling with his dominant energy – it made me nervous and on edge.

Coal took the apple that I was offering him, his breath warm and wet on my hand, and I pulled back, hastily. “That’s it. I pet him and feed him apples, but I’m not getting on him.”

Killian sighed. “He’s safe. I wouldn’t let you near him, let alone ride him, if he wasn’t, Grace.”

Over the last two weeks, I had learned to ignore the way Gracelynn’s name sounded on his lips when he spoke to me. It was my fault he still thought me Bishop Romano’s eldest daughter.

Yes, I should have told him the truth by now.

But I couldn’t.

I didn’t want to.

Every time my lips parted to speak the truth, it felt like I had swallowed something big and I choked on my own lies. My brain told me one thing, but my heart wanted something else entirely.

At first, guilt gnawed at me when Killian flirted with me. If he knew who I really was or how old I was – seventeen and underage – he wouldn’t have spared me another glance.

He thought I was Gracelynn and that I was twenty-two.

Killian was almost ten years older than me, a wealthy and experienced man. I was a nobody and too young for him.

But three days ago, I turned eighteen. That made me feel a bit less guilty at tricking him into believing that I was Gracelynn. I knew that didn’t make me a better person or fixed this situation, but I guessed… I was trying to make myself feel better.

That I wasn’t doing anything too wrong.

That this wasn’t forbidden.

Or immoral.

Even though, it was all three.

Killian crowded into me, his chest pressing against mine, forcing my attention back to him. I shook my head. “Oh no. No. I’m not getting on him!”

“Trust me, Princess,” he breathed.

“I trust you but–”

Killian grinned, pleased at my answer. I hadn’t even realized that I said the words out loud – that I trusted him.

“No buts,” he crooned. “You can’t take this back. Remember what I said? Fear is deceitful. It holds you captive and you need to break free. I won’t let anything hurt you.”

My hand landed on his chest and I gave him a gentle push, but it did nothing. He barely even budged, not that I wanted him too. I liked him this close. His strong, manly scent filling my nose and his warmth caressing my skin. “You can’t say that with such conviction. You can’t protect me all the time.”

“Yes, I can.”

“You’re not invincible,” I shot back.

“Says who?”

I licked my lips and his dark eyes flared with decadent mischief. “Arrogance has a limit, Killian Spencer.”

“Arrogance is a debatable and subjective matter,” he said.

I groaned. “You’re impossible.”

“And you’re cute.”

I gave him another push, my brow furrowed. “Don’t patronize me.”

“I’m not,” he growled. “You are cute, pouting like this.”

“I don’t pout.” My lips pursed.

He arched a brow and I rolled my eyes. “Fine! I pout. So what?”

“Beautiful,” he mouthed.

I swooned for the second time since I met Killian.

“Now, trust me.” He grasped my hips and lifted me so suddenly, I gasped. “Left foot in the stirrup, Princess. And your right leg over the horse.”

I quickly did as I was told, only squeaking once when I sat in the saddle. Coal shifted under me, almost restlessly, and my fingers curled into his beautiful, silky mane.

“There you go,” Killian praised. “Look at you. Fearless. You’ve mounted a horse, Grace.”

So I did.

But oh God, my heart hammered against my ribs, blood roaring in my ears and I felt… breathless.

“The horse can feel it when you’re tensed and that will agitate him.” Killian brushed the riding crop lightly along my back and I trembled. “Relax your muscles and arch your back.”

I did as I was instructed, eventually finding myself seated more securely on the saddle – which was too big for me. Killian dragged the riding crop along the curve of my back once again, almost teasingly. The tiny hairs on the back of my neck stood up and I squeezed my thighs, feeling an insistent ache between them.

“Killian,” I squeaked when Coal let out a loud breath and stomped.

“It’s okay,” he soothed, his hand on my thigh. Firm and strong. Trustworthy. “I’m right here.”

And then Killian did the one thing I didn’t expect him too. He swung up behind me, settling onto Coal. “I got you,” he whispered on my neck, pressing close into my back.

His strong thighs caged my hips and his legs dangled behind me. He was so close, so warm… so strong.

The stallion snorted, growing restless under both our weight, but Killian patted his black coat, making soothing sounds at the back of his throat. Coal eventually settled and grew still, awaiting patiently for Killian’s next command.

“You’re a horse whisperer,” I murmured.

“Do you trust me, Princess?”

I nodded, voicelessly.

His fingers curled around my hips and he clicked Coal into a trot. The horse moved a few steps and I yelped, my body tensing. “Relax. Ease up your muscles. Let me guide you.”

“Easy for you to say,” I quavered.

“Grace,” he said, his voice holding a warning tone. “Listen to me.”

“I am!”

“No, you’re letting your fear get in the way again.”

My voice trembled when I spoke. “Killian, please.”

He grabbed the rein with one hand, keeping the other one on my waist. “Ride the wave,” he instructed, his voice deep and calm. “Don’t fight Coal. Rock your hips to his movement, back and forth. Feel it. Feel him. Loosen your spine, relax your muscles.”

I tried, but every time the stallion moved a step, I tensed up again.

Killian lowered his head, his lips brushing against the curve of my ear. “I’m in control, Princess. You just have to move with Coal. Now, clutch him with your thighs.”

I gasped and quickly did like I was commanded. Killian clucked his tongue in approval and I flushed under his silent praise.

His fingers tightened around my hips. “Don’t just bounce on him. Rock your hips, baby. Move it. It’s all in your spine and your seat. Don’t try to ride him. Don’t force it. Let him take you on the ride.”

Coal trotted and Killian gripped my hips, moving me up and down with the stallion’s momentum. “There you go. That’s more like it,” he praised, his voice softening into a sweet caress.

My heart seemed to beat right out of my chest. Heat bloomed up my neck and my face until I felt heated and out of breath. Eventually, the movement started to feel more natural to me.

The fear was still there, simmering under my flesh and digging into my bones. But slowly, my muscles started to relax on their own. My spine loosened, like Killian had instructed me.

I squeezed my thighs, feeling Coal’s strength. He was a beast, but a warm and gentle creature. Killian leaned into my back and I could feel his smile.

With a shuddering breath, I relaxed into the saddle and allowed myself to move with Coal’s rhythm. Up and down, rocking my hips in the seat, feeling the stallion and letting him take me on the ride.

Killian shifted behind me, leaning in closer. My brow furrowed when I felt a hardness poking into my back. When I realized what it was, I let out a barely audible gasp.

Yes, I was a virgin, inexperienced, knowing very little about sex. But I wasn’t innocent. I watched porn a few times. I knew enough about the male anatomy to know what was currently pressing against the curve of my ass.

But fuck – I didn’t know how to react. Do I lean back into him?

Except he made the decision for me. Killian shifted again and I no longer felt his erection pressing into me. I almost whimpered in disappointment.

“Perfect, baby,” he whispered roughly in my ears. “You’re a natural, Grace.”

Sweet hell, I almost combusted right there.

Fire blazed through my veins and I nodded, licking my lips. “Thank you.”

We did one more lap around the open field before we slowed to a stop. “How do you feel?” Killian asked.

“I… I don’t… know,” I stuttered.

He grasped my right hand in his and brought it to my chest, pressing my open palm over my beating heart. “Let me ask you again, how do you feel?”

My heart thudded, adrenaline coursing through my body. I felt hazy and… almost intoxicated.

“I feel… exhilarated. Like I had just done the impossible,” I breathed through the lump in my throat. “I feel heady and fuzzy. And happy. I feel… warm.”

“Good,” Killian praised, releasing my hand.

He dismounted first. Coal neighed in response, stomping once. I leaned down to Killian and he pulled me off the horse. It was a clumsy attempt and I stumbled into him, once my feet were on the ground. My legs were shaky, but he wrapped one strong arm around my waist, anchoring me to him.

Killian helped me to a stack of hay, before leading Coal back into his stall.

When he returned, he found me still perched in the spot he had left me. “You look beautifully flushed,” Killian noted, coming to stand in front of me. Our shoes touched and he was close enough for me to reach out and touch him.

I looked up at his face, into his dark eyes. “You think I’m beautiful?”

“Oh, is the lady looking for a compliment?”

My lips pursed. “Fine. You know what, don’t say anything else. I’m leaving.”

He chuckled but when I made a move to get off the hay, Killian leaned forward and braced his hands on either side of me. He caged me between his arms. “I know very well how to tame brats, Gracelynn. So, don’t be a brat.”

I flushed, feeling the heat rise up to my cheeks. “How dare you–”

“Gorgeous,” he said and I shut up.

“Fascinating. Delicate. Graceful. Dazzling. Stunning. You’re not just beautiful, Grace. You’re bewitching and so fucking divine. I want–”

My fingers gripped the collar of his shirt and I pulled him to me, slamming my lips against his. I gasped and he groaned.

The deep rumble resonated through my body. His lips were full and soft. He tasted of mint, rich chocolate and sin.

My heart dipped into my stomach and my head swam. We stayed like this for a second, both of us surprised by my impulsive action.

One heartbeat. Thud.

Two heartbeats. Thud. Thud.

His scent surrounded me; his taste engulfed me.

Killian nipped my lower lips, teasingly. The gentle bite stung and I whimpered.

My eyes fluttered closed as Killian lowered his body atop of mine, pushing me back into the hay. He clutched the back of my neck as he deepened the kiss, fiercely and almost obsessively. As if he had hungered for me for a decade. Like he had been dying to do just that for the longest time. To kiss me.

To devour me.

He licked the seams of my lips and I gasped, which opened my mouth for him. His tongue slid inside, tasting me. I burned for him, my body melting into his solid strength, and I was weak and powerless.

A woman full of need. I craved Killian Spencer.

I had never been kissed before and had nothing to compare to this moment – but this kiss, it was everything.

His lips on mine.

His body against mine.

His need reflecting my own.

Killian swallowed my moan and breathed into my mouth, feeding me his taste. It wasn’t just a nest of butterflies in my stomach. It was the whole damn zoo, while my heart was torn.

My body was no longer my own as I curled my arms around the back of his neck. My tongue met his, inexperienced and tentative. His tongue tangled with mine and then he used his teeth, biting down on my swollen lips.

I was starved for him and he kissed me like he was a warrior who had just come from a bloody battle and I was his prize.

Killian brutalized my lips and the kiss turned feral.

Sweet hell.

The inside of my thighs was coated with lust for him and I squeezed my legs together, trying to alleviate the intense ache between them. My hips arched up, involuntarily rocking against his. His hard length dug between the juncture of my thighs.

“Grace,” he groaned.

That did it. As if cold water had been dumped over my head, I froze. My brain scurried, chasing the haze away.

What have I done?

My eyes snapped open and I gasped, pushing against Killian’s chest.

He pulled back, our lips finally finding reprieve from each other. His dark gaze, intense and burning with desires, landed on mine. His black hair was tousled and he licked his lips, deliberately slow, as if to taste the remnant of our kiss.

Guilt slashed through me, like a sharp blade cutting my flesh open. I bled, with agony coursing through my cold veins.

I exhaled, my chest rattling with a shudder. “We shouldn’t have–”

Killian pressed his index finger to my swollen lips, effectively shutting me up. “Don’t regret this now, Grace.”

My eyes squeezed shut as he said that name – her name.

His lips whispered over the corner of my mouth and then along my jaw, a featherlight touch. “Please,” he said, his voice deep and thick like sweet molasses.

“I don’t regret it.” I lied between my teeth.

I felt his smile on my skin. “Good. Because I want to do it again. Not today. You already look well ravished and I don’t want to scare you away.”

“You can’t scare me away,” I breathed, my eyes fluttering open.

It is me who will scare you away. My truth will.

Killian pulled me up and he let out a deep chuckle, picking the hay out of my hair. “Jesus, I’m a mess,” I grumbled under my breath.

“I quite approve of you being a mess, Miss Romano,” he rasped, with a pleased look on his handsome face. “Especially since I’m responsible for it.”

I patted my rumpled dress, making sure I was decent enough. “And you’re a rogue, Mr. Spencer.”

Killian raked his fingers through my wild, platinum-blonde hair, before curling a strand around his index finger. “Your hair… was the first thing that captured my attention. It’s such a light blonde, it’s almost white when the sunlight catches it.”

Bringing the curled strand to his nose, he inhaled. “And it smells like strawberry.”

“It’s my shampoo,” I said, my voice quaking.

Killian’s lips curled up into a crooked grin. “I have a newfound appetite for strawberries.”

He released my hair and I licked my lips, taking a step back away from him. “I have to go now.”

Killian gave me a slight bow. “Good day, Miss Romano.”

“Good day, Killian.”

I spun around and ran.

I didn’t stop until I bolted through the door of my room and crashed onto my bed. Shoving my face into my pillows.

A wounded scream spilled from my throat.

And for the first time since I met Killian Spencer, a lonely tear slid down my cheek.