Not Pretending Anymore by Vi Keeland
CHAPTER 18
Declan
I loved messing with my sister when I called her at the convent. “How’s the sex, drugs, and rock and roll?”
“Oh you know, the usual…”
“When I get home, the first thing I’m gonna do is come see you,” I said.
“As long as you don’t try to taint Sister Mary Jane like you did last time.”
“Come on. That was fun, and you know it.”
She sighed. “What’s going on? Something’s up. You don’t normally call me in the middle of the day.”
“You know me so well, Sister-Sister.”
“Talk to me.”
Sitting on the couch, I kicked my legs up. “Okay. I told you about the girl I’m living with last time we spoke, right?”
“Yeah. Molly, is it? You guys still getting along?”
Where do I begin?I spent the next several minutes telling Catherine about my complicated relationship with Molly and the games we’d played with Will and Julia. I wrapped up the story with the half-drunk conversation we’d had a week ago.
“So you were honest with each other about your feelings,” she said. “Why is that a bad thing?”
“Well, I didn’t tell you about the week she was away.”
“Okay…”
“Long story short, she went to stay at her dad’s for a week after he got out of the hospital. While she was gone I…had a hard time.”
“You mean you missed her?”
“No, I mean… I sort of had a new episode.”
“Oh no, Declan. What happened?”
“Nothing. I just spent a couple of days in bed. I had to call out of work and stuff. But eventually I called Dr. Spellman.”
“Okay, good. Did that help?”
“He adjusted my meds, and I think it did.”
“Alright, well, that’s good. I’m sorry it happened, but I’m glad you recognized it and dealt with it. It sounds like you handled things well. How did Molly take coming home and seeing you like that?”
“She didn’t… Well, not really, anyway. I did my best to pull myself together. I’d been starting to feel a little better by then, anyway, and I knew she needed to talk to me about her dad, who’s really sick. But she could definitely tell something was off, because she kept asking me what was wrong.”
“Are you afraid to tell her, Declan?”
“It wasn’t the right time to get into it. I ended up drinking a little, and it didn’t mix well with my medications, which lowered my inhibitions, and that’s when we had the conversation about sex.”
“Oh my.” She laughed. “Well, you shouldn’t be drinking alcohol. You know that.”
I sighed. “The thing is, Cat, I know turning a blind eye to these feelings for Molly is the right thing to do. The distance thing—me living in California and her being here in Chicago—is definitely an issue, but I made it seem like distance was the main reason we couldn’t be together. Deep down, I know that’s not it. It’s more the fact that I haven’t told her anything about the messed-up stuff that sometimes goes on in my head.”
Her voice grew louder. “You’re not messed up, okay? So get that terminology out of your mind. You have some dark patches periodically that you need to get through. And you also worry way too much about what it could mean in the future, how it relates to Mom. And that cripples you. You’re not our mom. Please don’t let your fears derail things if you really like this girl.”
“After my conversation with her, the minute I got back to my room, all I wanted was to talk myself out of my fears. Like, what if I could somehow make it work? Why does it have to be so hard?”
“It sounds like you want to make it work. But let me ask you something, Declan. You had a thing for the woman you worked with, and you’ve had girlfriends over the last few years. Did you avoid relationships with them because of your situation?”
“No, but that was different.”
“And why was it different?”
“Because… This is Molly. I don’t want her to get hurt.”
“Exactly. I think that says a lot about how you must feel about her. You want what’s best for her over what’s best for you.”
“Yes, so that’s why I need you to talk some sense into me. I need you to say, ‘Declan, this girl is going through a rough time. She doesn’t need your mental baggage on top of everything. Not to mention, you’re dating the girl you’ve been chasing for a year who doesn’t seem to require a commitment. Don’t turn everyone’s lives upside down by messing around with your roommate.’”
Catherine sighed. “But she’s more than just a roommate, isn’t she?”
I thought for a moment. “More than anything, she’s a good friend. And that’s the other part of this that’s so hard. I care about her so much and don’t want to cause her complications by pursuing this. But I just—”
“You can’t help how you feel.”
“Apparently not.”
“How would you feel if your boss told you that you had to return to California immediately—like, this second? Leave everything in Chicago behind and never return.”
That was easy. “It would really suck. I’d be devastated.”
“Do you think you’re gonna feel any different when you leave in a few months?”
Letting out a long breath, I said, “Probably not.”
“Then maybe you need to reassess. If you have real feelings for this girl, you need to listen to them. And you need to tell her about your fears, about all the things you think she can’t handle.”
Catherine wasn’t helping. She was usually a very reasonable person. That’s why I’d called her and not one of my other sisters. But today she’d gone all listen-to-your-feelings on me.
“I guess I don’t trust myself, Cat. Maybe she’d be better off with that jerk doctor. I’m a loose cannon and certainly not good at serious relationships. That’s what she wants.”
“How would you know you’re not good at them if you’ve never had one?”
“Why do you ask tough questions?”
“That’s my job! To make you think when your head seems stuck in your ass.”
“Are nuns supposed to say ass?”
“Every time you call me, I nearly get myself kicked out of this place.”
“Well, your little brother will always take you in, even when the Big Man won’t have you anymore.”
She laughed. “Remember that game we used to play where I’d throw out a single word, and you’d have to answer with the first word that came to mind?”
“Yeah?”
“That’s a good way to assess your true feelings on things. A one-word association tells a lot. Let’s play right now. Ready?”
I was never one to refuse a game. “Okay. Ready.”
Catherine started. “Chicago.”
“Pizza.”
“Dad.”
“Old Spice.”
“That’s two words,” she said.
“Sue me.” I laughed.
Catherine continued. “Advertising.”
That was easy. “Lies.”
“Beer.”
“Buzzed.”
“Nun.”
“Catherine.”
“Declan.”
“Screwed.” I chuckled.
“Ocean.”
“Home.”
“Julia.”
“Pretty.”
“Mom.”
“Belt.”
Catherine paused. “Belt?”
“That one time I ran away, she whooped my ass. Never forgot it. So yeah, belt.”
“Coffee.”
“Life.”
“Sister.”
“Scooter.”
“Chocolate.”
“Lick.”
“I don’t even want to know what you’ve been up to that triggered that association.”
“Something you haven’t been up to, dear sister.”
She laughed and said, “Molly.”
“Mine.”
Shit.Mine? That was the first thing that came to mind for Molly?
“Hmmm…” Catherine chuckled.
“Alright. Alright. I know what you’re thinking.”
“You do, huh?”
“You’re thinking I’m an idiot for even needing to have this discussion.”
“Look,” she said, “I’m the last person to be giving advice on romantic relationships. But this does seem obvious to me. You care for her. That should trump everything else.”
Then, of course, there was Julia. I sighed. “I care for Julia, too, but in a different way, I guess. I don’t want to hurt her, either.”
“You didn’t call me to talk about Julia,” Catherine noted. “That says it all, my brother.”
***
Molly and I had managed to avoid talking about anything for over a week. I knew she had to work Sunday night, so I was hoping to catch her before she left for her shift. That way if anything we said or did was awkward, she’d be away for twelve hours soon after.
When I woke up Sunday morning, Molly was sleeping. Despite my nerves, I felt mentally better than I had in a while. I’d come out of the fog, and my energy was back, so I spent the day at the gym and running errands.
When I returned to the apartment late in the afternoon, Molly wasn’t there. I wondered if she’d be coming home at all before she had to go to work. I took a shower, then not-so-patiently waited to find out.
I still didn’t know what I was going to say to her, and I certainly didn’t know where she stood. I decided I’d respond to her based on the vibe she gave me. Maybe she would give me a signal. I’d let her talk first, and if she expressed any doubt about things, game over.
I took advantage of the alone time and started writing down some of what I wanted to say on a notepad. I must have scratched out a hundred different things.
Fuck it. Let’s just try.
Scratch.
I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to fuck you, Molly. But it’s so much more than that.
Scratch.
Maybe we should take it day by day and see where it goes.
Scratch.
I’m crazy about you, Molly. So let’s just do this.
Scratch.
The door opened, and I shoved the notepad under my bed.
I strolled out into the living room as if I hadn’t just been jotting down sweet nothings like a damn high schooler.
“Hey! Long time no see.”
“Yeah. It seems like it’s been forever,” Molly said. “Were you waiting for me?”
Apparently, I wasn’t as casual as I thought. Who brought the fucking cool guy?
“Yeah. I figured we could finish the talk we were having the other day.”
She looked around, seeming nervous. “Okay. I’m just gonna take a quick shower and get into my scrubs. Then we’ll talk?”
“Sounds good. Want me to brew some coffee? I know you like to drink it on the way to work.”
“That would be great.”
For the next several minutes, I sat in the kitchen, taking in the smell of freshly brewed coffee and hoping it would calm me down. But nothing could. When Molly walked out wearing her dark purple scrubs, I was no more ready to have this conversation than I’d been before.
I bit the bullet. “You want to go first or shall I?”
“I can go first,” she said, taking a seat across from me. “So, I think everything you said the other night made a lot of sense.”
Uh-oh.The other night I’d pointed out all the reasons we were wrong for each other. Why did I do that?
“You mentioned that you didn’t think you could give me anything long term and expressed concern about interfering in my relationship with Will.”
I blew out a shaky breath. “I did say that, didn’t I?”
What she said next jarred me. “Last week at dinner, Will asked me to be exclusive.”
My heart sank. “He did?”
“Yeah. It came as a shock, to be honest.”
Feeling like the walls were caving in, I nodded in silence as she continued.
“I told him I needed to think about it. But the more I think about what you said, the more I realize I should be realistic. Will is a good guy. I know you have your reservations about him. But that’s only because you care about me.”
“Right,” I muttered.
“Anyway... I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past several days. And I’m…gonna tell him yes. I think I might not have been able to make a decision if you hadn’t been so real with me. Whatever was happening between us would have held me back if we hadn’t had that conversation. So thank you for giving me what I needed to move on.”
I was speechless.
Utterly fucking speechless.
Everything I’d planned to say clogged in my throat, ready to choke me. How could I put all that on her now? Jesus, this fucking sucked.
Molly exhaled, as if getting all that out had been a relief. “What were you gonna say to me?”
You could’ve heard a pin drop, and I could somehow hear my brain ticking in my head. I could be honest and throw her a curveball right now, or I could lie and give her the peace she deserved. I chose the latter, even though I knew I might regret it for the rest of my life.
“I can’t tell you how happy I am that we’re on the same page. I won’t take back what I said about how I feel about you, but I think it’s best if we acknowledge it and move on. So, as much as I rag on Will, I’m happy for you. I truly am.”
“Thank you, Declan.” Molly smiled as she got up from her seat and wrapped her arms around me.
Then things went quiet again as she walked over to the coffeemaker and poured some into a travel mug. She looked back at me, and even though we’d just supposedly resolved things, nothing felt resolved.
I leaned against the counter and tried to be nonchalant. “So you haven’t answered him yet about being exclusive?”
She shook her head. “No. We’re supposed to go out again in the middle of the week. Our shifts don’t overlap the next few days, so I’ll see him on Wednesday. I figured I’d wait till we see each other in person.” She winked. “Plus, I don’t want it to seem like it was too easy a decision.”
“Right.”
She looked deeper into my eyes. “Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I looked away for a moment. “I am. Just relieved we got this conversation out of the way.”
***
When Molly and I crossed paths again the following night, I’d just gotten home from work, and she was already in her scrubs, getting ready to leave for her shift.
“Hey, roomie.”
She smiled. “Hey.”
I’d hoped to feel different by the next time I saw her, but it was even harder to look at her now than it had been before. Adding fuel to the fire, the thin material of her scrubs was oddly revealing. I often stiffened at the sight of Molly’s ass in her scrub pants.
I felt jealous and angry—angry at myself, mostly. But I still knew I was making the right decision. Despite that, I was still feeling a little greedy. I deserved some sort of parting gift.
Molly was preparing her lunch bag when I opened the cabinet next to her and pretended to be getting a glass for water.
“So I assume you still haven’t spoken to Will about his proposition?”
“No. Remember I told you I won’t see him until our date on Wednesday night.”
I crossed my arms. “So technically, you’re still single.”
“Yeah.” She smiled. “I guess for another couple days.” She must have noticed the way I was looking at her, because she laughed nervously as her cheeks turned pink. “What?”
“Since you’re still single…” I swallowed and forced the words out. “I want to kiss you. Just once.”
Molly’s mouth fell open. Instead of taking her shock as a hint to stand down, I went into full-on staring at her lips. They were so full and inviting, so pink and supple. I had the strongest urge to take the bottom one between my teeth and bite, yanking it in a good, firm tug.
Her breathing sped up, and I was mesmerized by the rise and fall of her chest. Watching her get worked up right before my eyes was the sexiest thing I’d ever seen, and it made me feel a thousand-feet tall.
I stepped around to stand before her, face to face. Taking a hold of the counter on either side of her hips, I boxed her in. More than anything, I wanted to push her up against the cabinets and take the taste I’d been dying for since the day I moved in. But this was Molly, whom I respected and adored, so I needed her to give me something—anything—to let me know she wanted it, too.
“Talk to me, Molly.” My voice was strained and gritty. I moved a half step closer, slipping two fingers under her chin and gently lifting so our eyes met. “Tell me it’s okay, that you want me to kiss you.”
She swallowed. “I do.”
My heart raced. I closed the tiny gap still remaining between us. Her warm, soft breasts pressed against my chest. “Do what, Molly? Say it. Tell me what you want.”
“I…I want you to kiss me.”
My mouth curved to a wicked grin. “Oh yeah?”
Molly’s hair was in a ponytail, the way she often wore it to work. I reached up with one hand and slowly wrapped the entire length of it around my fist. Dipping my face so our noses brushed, I groaned. “Say it again.”
Up until now, she’d seemed pensive, but I guess she was growing as impatient as I was. She wet her lips and looked straight into my eyes. “Goddamn it, Declan. Kiss me already. I have to leave for work in a few minutes, and that’s already going to be too soon.”
My eyebrows jumped. But she was so right; I needed to stop wasting precious time. Plus, I could get lost staring into those big baby blues. I smiled. “Yes, ma’am.”
Leaning in, I cupped her cheek and tilted her head with the hand wrapped in her hair before I planted my lips over hers. The moment we connected, my entire body lit up like a goddamned Christmas tree. Jesus Christ. However good I thought we’d be together, the reality had exceeded my imagination already. Usually with a first kiss, there’s a certain feeling-each-other-out period where you get to know the other’s style—the logistics take a bit to fall into place. But not with Molly. We were completely in sync from the get-go.
I slid my hands down to her ass, readying to nudge her to wrap her legs around me and let me take her weight. But by the time I got there, she was already climbing me like a fucking tree. Molly dug her nails into my shoulders as she hoisted herself up. Needing some leverage so I could press her even closer, I walked with her wrapped around my waist until her back hit the refrigerator with a thud. Our lips never parted as my body smashed against hers, and I grinded my hips between her legs to show her exactly what she was doing to me.
Molly gasped into our joined mouths, and I almost lost my mind.
I had so much frustration, desire, and anger pent up that I couldn’t be gentle. With a firm yank of her ponytail, I forced her neck back so I could suck my way down from her lips. My teeth scraped over her chin, and I used my tongue to trace her pulse from her jaw down to her collarbone.
“Declan…” Molly whimpered.
God, I wished I’d had the foresight to record this audio. The sound of her moaning my name would come in handy when she wasn’t around much anymore.
When she isn’t around much anymore.
That thought—the thought of her not being around because she was with some other guy—sliced through me. It made me feel possessive and angry. But if this moment was all we were ever going to have, I refused to let Dr. Dickalicious ruin it. So I tamped down the negative thoughts and let my need for her flow into our kiss.
I had no idea how long it lasted; time seemed to stand still. When we finally came up for air, we were both panting. I held her cheeks in my palms as my thumb wiped at the wetness on her lips.
“Wow…” she whispered, looking a bit stunned. “That was…”
I smiled. “Yeah, it was.”
Molly blinked a few times, as if trying to snap out of a daze. “Was that… Are you… Is that just how you kiss, or was that something special?”
I was a man after all, so of course I wanted to take credit and tell her it was all my doing—I was just that good of a kisser. But it would’ve been bullshit. “That was definitely special. It wasn’t me—it was us.”
She swallowed. “Yeah.”
Too soon, reality crept in. Molly’s eyes lifted above my shoulder, and she must’ve caught the time on the microwave. “Shoot.” She frowned. “I have to go. I’m going to be late for work. That was… It took longer than I thought.”
Her legs were still wrapped around my waist, and I dreaded the thought of letting go. Especially because I knew this was it. I was going to be letting her go in more ways than one after this.
“I’ll drive you.”
Molly shook her head. “No, it’s okay. I think I need a few minutes alone to clear my head.”
I wanted every last possible second with her, yet I reluctantly set her down on her feet.
Molly stared at the floor. “Okay, well… I guess I’ll be going.”
I couldn’t resist one more little kiss. So I cupped her chin and nudged her head up until our eyes met again. Leaning in slowly, I pressed my lips to hers and kept them there for a long time. It felt like my heart leapt into my throat when I pulled back. “Bye, Molly.”
She looked at me funny. “You sound like you’re going to be gone when I get home in the morning.”
I forced a smile. “No, I’ll be here.” Licking my wounds and mending a broken heart.
“Okay. Well, have a good night.”
“You, too, Mollz. You, too.”
