Heart and Soul by Carrie Elks

30

It was one of those Southern California summer days when the sun was beating down, baking the concrete and sand and everybody around it. The pool area was crowded – the die-hard swimming enthusiasts had been joined by the sunbathers, and even at just before five, there wasn’t a free lounger to be seen.

Rich blew out a mouthful of air as he walked toward the grill area, which lay between the pool and the parking lot. Tables were scattered between the grills, and half of them were already full. He could see Grant and Kevin at the far end, wearing matching llama t-shirts, each holding a bottle of beer.

“Rich!” Isla threw herself against him, curling her arms around his waist. “Where have you been? We’ve missed you.”

His chest tightened, as he hugged her. “I’ve missed you, too. How was L.A.?”

“It was amazing.” She looked up at him, her green eyes wide. “I have a new dad. Did you know that? He has a huge house and a pool and I learned how to dive. A real proper dive, not just tumbling in. You want to see?”

He glanced down at her dress. “Maybe later? I don’t think your mom would be happy if you got your clothes wet.”

Isla frowned. “No.” She was wearing the necklace he’d given her after her play, and it made his throat feel funny. “Maybe we can go swimming tomorrow?”

“If it’s okay with your mom, I’d like that,” he said gruffly. He looked up and saw Meghan watching them, her eyes wary. Her bottom lip was pulled between her teeth. She looked as nervous as he felt.

Isla skipped over to where Gloria was sitting with Grant’s mom, and now there was nobody standing between him and Meghan anymore.

With a determination that felt a little like fire in his stomach, he walked over to where she was standing, stopping a few feet short of her.

“Hi.” His voice was soft. “How are you?”

She gave him a half smile. “I’m okay. How about you?”

He ran his tongue over his bottom lip, deciding the full truth would be too much. “I’m okay, too.” And also the biggest asshole in the world. I’m going to make it up to you, when I figure out how. “Did your trip to L.A. go okay? Isla seems happy.”

“She and Dylan bonded really well.” Meghan shifted her feet. “He’s away now, but I’m in contact with his lawyer and we’re coming to a custody arrangement. And he wants his name on her birth certificate, so we’re working that out.”

The corners of his lips curled. “I’m glad.”

“You are?” She tipped her head to the side, her brows raised.

“Yeah. I really am. I care about you two, I want you to be happy.” It felt almost painful to say it, because he was the one who’d made her unhappy. Who’d walked away because it hurt too much to stay.

“Thank you,” she said softly. “That means a lot.” She pursed her lips as though she was blowing out air. “How’s Belle?”

“She’s good. She had an agent from L.A. contact her. He wants to talk about representing her. And Carlyn came through with arranging the sales.”

“She did? That’s a relief.” Her smile was fleeting, but there. “I spoke with your lawyer while I was away. Thank you for including us in your restraining order.”

“It’s the least I can do.”

She was guarded, and he understood why. He’d been the one to make it like this. It was as though there was an invisible wall between them, he could still see her, but he couldn’t penetrate through.

“I’m so sorry for the things I said last week…”

“Mommy!” Isla skipped over. “Gloria wants to know if I can have some soda? She brought a box down but you need to say yes.” Isla grabbed Meghan’s hand. “So come say yes, okay?”

Meghan bit down a smile. “I guess I’m going over there,” she said to Rich.

He nodded. “I guess you are.” Their eyes connected and it was like the shield disappeared for a moment. He felt the strength of her stare in the center of his chest. “Can we talk later?”

“Maybe?” She glanced down at Isla, who was still tugging her hand. “It depends on little ears.”

It was more than he felt he deserved, but he’d take it. And if they didn’t talk tonight, they’d do it another time. One thing was for sure, he had a lot of making up to do.

And he intended to do it.

* * *

It was getting late. Isla was already yawning, though she was valiantly trying to hide it as she sat on a metal chair and swung her legs, as Gavin told her about the llamas they’d met in Peru. Meghan was picking up paper plates and empty cans, putting them into the black trash bag she was carrying.

“Can I help?” a soft voice asked from behind. She didn’t need to turn to see who it was. She’d been so aware of him all night. Every time their eyes met her heart did a little loop-de-loop. He’d give her this little crooked smile, one that made her legs tremble, and she’d remind herself why that wasn’t a good idea.

That he’d hurt her. And she was still hurting a little. Sexy half-smiles wouldn’t soothe that pain away.

“Go for it,” she said, holding out the bag so he could slide more plates inside. His fingers brushed hers and she had to grit her teeth as to not react to it.

It only took five minutes to clear the whole area. Half the tables were empty by now, and those who were left were clustered at the far end of the grill area. Isla was leaning over Grant’s shoulder, watching what looked like a video on his phone. Something happened and she shrieked with laughter, and Grant ruffled her hair.

When Meghan looked at Rich, she could see him smiling at Isla’s laughter. It made her breath catch in her throat. He was too good looking. The hot doc.

The man who’d broken her heart.

“Can we talk now?” Rich said, his voice low. “I know you don’t have long. But there’s something I want to say.”

Meghan tied the top of the trash bag, and slid it into one of the huge lidded trash cans. “Okay.”

She followed him to an empty table and they sat. He was looking at her with warm eyes, his long legs stretched out in front of him.

“I’m so damn sorry,” he said. “For what I said to you Saturday night. It was wrong and I behaved like a child. And you didn’t deserve any of it.”

Meghan blinked. “You hurt me. I needed a friend and you pushed me away.”

He nodded, his expression pained. “I know. And I’m so pissed at myself for it. I put my own fear above your needs, and I really regret that. I want to be your friend.” He exhaled heavily. “I want to be more than that, actually. But if you need me to be just a friend, then that’s what I’ll be.” He looked down at the table, brushing crumbs from the surface. “And I’ll be the best damn friend you’ll ever have. Because being your friend would be an honor. You’re the best person I’ve ever met.”

Her hands were shaking. She threaded her fingers together to stop them. Part of her wanted to accept his apology with open arms. To wind the time back to last week, before Dylan arrived and all of this happened.

But he’d hurt her, and that was hard to forget.

“It’s not just about me,” she reminded him. “It’s about Isla. We were talking about being together. What if we’d told her and you’d walked away like that? It’s one thing hurting me, but I can’t let you hurt her, too.”

He blanched. “I know. And the thought of hurting her kills me. I understand it’s going to take a long time for you to trust me. To believe I won’t behave like that again. And I’m ready for that. I’m not going anywhere. I’m going to work harder than I’ve ever worked before to win you back. To show you that I’ll never hurt Isla. Because you’re worth it, both of you.” His gaze was clear. She could see the honesty there. “I’m not going to let my own fear stop me again.”

“What were you afraid of?” she asked him. This was what she couldn’t understand.

“I was afraid of history repeating itself.” He glanced down at his feet, then back at her. “I’ve always felt responsible for my parents dying. And for Belle’s injuries. They were driving to see me, after all. It was like I robbed her of the family she loved, and I’ve regretted it ever since. When I saw that Dylan wanted to be in Isla’s life, I panicked and withdrew because I didn’t want to be the one to stand in her way.”

Meghan frowned. “You wouldn’t have. And your parents dying wasn’t your fault. It was an accident. A horrible, heartbreaking accident.”

He exhaled heavily. “Yeah, I know that now. Or at least I’m trying to accept it. But on Saturday, all I could hear was this little voice in my head telling me I was going to hurt you two. That I always hurt the people I love. And I let it talk me into what to do.”

She noticed his declaration of love, but didn’t comment. That could wait. “And what stops that voice from telling you what to do the next time you’re afraid?”

“I do.” His voice was firm. “Because I know how damn destructive it is. How I’ve let it rule my life for too long. I push people away because I’m scared of letting them down, and then it becomes a self-fulling prophecy.” His eyes flickered to hers. “The way it did with you.”

She could see the hurt in his eyes. It reflected her own. “Can you tell me about your parents?” she asked softly. “Why do you think you’re responsible for their death?”

“Because they wouldn’t have been in the car if it wasn’t for me.” He raked his hands through his hair, giving her the briefest of smiles. “They were driving to see me for my birthday. I was away at college, and it was supposed to be a surprise. Originally, I was to come home to celebrate, but at the last minute I got a better offer. I wanted to stay and party with my friends.” There was a faraway look in his eyes. “I think it was my mom’s idea that they surprise me on Sunday morning with brunch. She and Belle had baked pastries and bought juice, and they were going to get coffee before they arrived at my apartment.”

“But they didn’t make it.” Meghan winced at the thought of a young Rich discovering his life had changed in the blink of an eye. And blaming himself for it.

“No, they didn’t. About half an hour into the drive, they got hit by a truck driving on the wrong side of the road. My parents didn’t stand a chance. It’s a miracle Belle survived, but she did. Or at least, part of her did.”

“I can’t imagine how that must have felt.”

He squeezed his eyes shut. She could tell how painful it still was for him to recount. “When I opened the door and saw the cops there, I thought it was some kind of joke. I didn’t believe it at first. Who can believe something like that would happen to them? And then they told me about Belle and that was almost worse because I knew I could never make it up to her. Losing her ability to walk, to live a normal life, and her parents all at the same time.” He pinched his nose with his fingers. “I did that to her.”

“It wasn’t your fault.”

“They wouldn’t have been on the road if it wasn’t for me. They wouldn’t have been there for the truck to drive into. It’s completely my fault.”

Meghan inhaled through her half-open lips. “We make decisions like that every day. All of us. Whether to go to the store now, or later. Whether to walk or take the car. We don’t know the consequences of our choices until they happen. And sometimes those consequences are terrible. And sometimes nothing happens. You didn’t want them to die. You weren’t driving that truck. You just made the kind of choice that young people all over the world make. And I know it cost you everything you love, but that doesn’t make it your fault.”

Rich swallowed hard, his eyes meeting hers. She could see the vulnerability in them. The boy he’d once been. Her heart ached for him.

“I made a decision at a similar age,” she told him. “To go to a concert and sleep with the wrong man. Anything could have happened, but in my case I got Isla and I’ll always be thankful for that. Life is like that. We make little decisions that have big impacts sometimes. We don’t know what they’ll be until they happen, and I can tell you for certain that we can’t undo them. But we can forgive ourselves and understand it isn’t our fault. That’s what you need to do. Not for me, but for you.”

“How did you get so damn wise?”

“I grew up quickly. Like somebody else I know.” She gave him a half smile, and it made him inhale quickly, his chest rising.

“You can’t be a friend to anybody else until you’re a friend to yourself,” she told him. “But once you are, I have a feeling you’ll make a wonderful friend.”

“Will I be a friend to you?” Hope flashed in his eyes.

Meghan nodded. “Yeah, I really think you will.” She couldn’t promise more. Not yet. She wanted to, but she had more people to think about than herself. But she could still feel the draw to him, the aching need to be in his arms.

One step at a time. That’s what she should have done before.

He nodded slowly. “Friends without the plus.”

“For now.”

“I’ll take it.” His expression was serious. “I want nothing more than to be your friend.”