Chasing Heartbreak by Kat T. Masen

 

KATE

 

“I’m really going to miss this place.”

Charlie slaps a decent serving of French jam onto her pastry, moaning as she takes a bite. If I didn’t know better, she’s eating for two, though the copious amounts of alcohol consumed over the weekend would eliminate that idea.

“The place or the food?” I question her while drinking coffee, enjoying the warm liquid to pass through my mouth and ignite all my senses. “Are you sure you’re not pregnant?”

Charlie stops mid-bite, turning toward me with her mouth wide open. “Don’t you dare jinx me. Three girls are enough. Some women are built for large families, I’m barely able to use the toilet without being interrupted.”

Lex nods his head with a knowing smirk. “I’m going to agree with Charlotte on this, three is enough.”

Noah appears uncomfortable, and I’m gathering the subject of children being a sore spot for him. We’ve only talked briefly about it over the weekend since every time the topic was raised, he asked to discuss something else. Last night, we spent hours talking about absolute nonsense until he left just after midnight. I didn’t expect the idle chit-chat to be entertaining, but I haven’t laughed so hard in a while without an alcoholic drink in hand.

“Sorry, Noah,” Charlie murmurs, placing her food down. “Do you want to talk?”

“What’s there to say?”

My gaze shifts between the two of them. Gathering by his withdrawn mood, I sense something has happened in the last few hours. I hold back on asking. If Noah wants to share, then he’ll share, and I don’t want to be the one to push him, especially in front of the present company.

We eat in silence until it becomes time for the three of them to leave. Outside on the street with their suitcases inside the car, I say goodbye to Lex but not before running over a few work matters. Charlie is standing beside him, dabbing the corner of her eye with a tissue.

“Come here, you big softy.” I pull her into an embrace as she clutches onto me tightly.

“I know it’s beautiful here,” she whispers against my shoulder. “But it’s not the same without you. We all miss you so much. Think about coming home, one day, please, when it’s right.”

And that’s the thing about being home, I’ve always pictured it as a place where hopes and dreams come alive. Charlie’s definition of home is where the heart lies, where the laughter carries, where friends belong, and where memories are made.

“But if I’m not here, you won’t be able to set me up on awful blind dates with arrogant French men,” I tease, lighting the mood.

Charlie’s lips break out into a smile, a small laugh escaping her. “I promise to do better. Well, actually, this time I did good, didn’t I?”

She eyes Noah beside her, my head nodding in agreement. “I’ll visit soon, promise.”

“I’m going to hold you to that. Amelia’s birthday is coming up, and it’s not an alien party without you.”

I cringe, jokingly. “Okay, I’m sure the boss will grant me some vacation time.”

Charlie kisses my cheek before climbing into the car with Lex.

Noah is leaning with his back against the car, arms crossed, but his earlier worry disappears as his eyes light up while gazing at me. “You want to hug it out or something?”

I already miss him, trying to ignore the slight pang inside my heart from his departure. “You’re a dork.”

Stepping closer, he wraps his arms around me. Inside his embrace, my body warms at his touch, a familiar contentment I’ve missed in his absence. The mixed emotions of him leaving is swirling around in the pit of my stomach. It’s silly to think I wish he could stay and selfish of me to beg him. Releasing me, he kisses my forehead the way he’s done many times before.

“Noah, it’ll work out,” I say softly, doing my best to destroy the fear consuming him. “No matter what, you’ll do the right thing.”

“What if I don’t?”

I pull away but still hold onto him. Behind the eyes of this beautiful man lays a battle only he can conquer. This weekend reminds me of the bond we once shared. We’ve both made mistakes in the past, and who am I to hold a grudge? I’m far from perfect.

“You’ve got me to set you straight,” I remind him while staring into his eyes with a soft smile. “Now, go on that plane and spend time with your kids. I’ll expect a photo of Jessa in the beret you bought. And don’t forget to tell her Aunty Kate is so much more fun than Uncle Eric.”

Noah shakes his head while laughing, touching my hand softly. This feeling is so strange yet alarmingly familiar at the same time. A simple gesture—a touch of the hand— stretches throughout my entire body, but rather than bring with it a sense of panic, it works the opposite and makes me feel complete.

And, in this moment, where I lose myself in my thoughts trying to decipher what this all means, he withdraws his hand, and I’m at an instant loss. Noah enters the car with a final wave until the black Mercedes drives off down the street, disappearing from my sight.

For years, I’ve mastered being alone, focusing on myself and making life into lemonade from the lemons I was handed. But saying goodbye to the three of them is harder than I ever thought it would be. I’m not sure exactly why as I’ve seen Lex numerous times over the years, though Charlie not as often unless we meet abroad. The two of them have become my family and welcomed me with open arms and always support my decisions. Their children feel like my own, their home is always open to me, and not once have I felt otherwise. Yet throwing Noah into the mix changes the dynamic. Charlie and Noah are family, by blood. They have a history and childhood none of us can match. When Noah came to LA, his bond with Lex tightened to brotherhood. I’ve known Lex long enough to know he respects and admires Noah’s tenacity, believing he has what it takes to challenge himself with something bigger. Lex has become this family man, changing his values along the way.

And together, with the love which conquers all of us, our bonds have been tightened in more ways than one.

Over the next few days, I throw myself into work, trying to get back into a routine. Noah texts me daily, random trivia just like back in the day. Because of our time zones, we don’t chat at night like we used to, but his texts make up for the nightly chat. It’s fair to say I miss him despite his inappropriate advances and constant bringing up my breasts in conversation.

By Friday afternoon, I’m ready to call it a week. It must have been a full moon or something like it to warrant such idiotic behavior from my staff. Even clients are more demanding, less patient, and everyone seems on edge, especially me. It’s almost like a storm is brewing on the horizon ready to hit landfall soon.

Taking a few days off caused more headaches than I realized. Just as I’m about to leave the office, Emile calls through, informing me of a visitor. I step outside my office to meet the eyes of Allegra.

Her style is sophisticated—an ivory pencil dress with a thick black belt above her waist. The pumps she wears are Louboutin, of course, and in her hand, she clutches tightly her prize possession—her Birken bag.

“Kate, can we speak somewhere private?”

“Of course.”

With every step back into my office, my heart rate spikes on the verge of combusting. I mentally prepare myself for the interrogation. Surely, she must know something, or why would she be here?

“Let’s cut to the chase.” She fires up a cigarette, something which is legal indoors in Paris, although not something I usually welcome inside my office. “I know you’re my husband’s mistress. I’ve known this for quite some time.”

Her stare is anything but angry but rather composed, which is strangely odd for someone who just questioned me about being her husband’s mistress. I remain quiet, not wanting to admit the truth if this is some sort of setup, but ensure my facial expression is blank with no emotion.

“I think you’re a perfect companion for him. As you know, I live quite a busy life and can’t always attend to his needs.”

“Allegra,” I begin, distancing myself across the room. “What are you trying to say?”

“I believe Dominic has developed feelings for you. I can see how he has changed. As you may or may not know, our marriage was somewhat agreed upon to help his business. So, I have a proposition for you. I’ll continue to give you my blessing to have a relationship with my husband and allow him to spend more time here to fulfill your needs. But I must remain married to him, for legal purposes. Should Dominic and I end our marriage, he’ll lose everything, and my reputation will be ruined.”

My arms move on their own accord, crossing against my chest while my eyes narrow with a hard expression. Beneath the green silk blouse I’m wearing, my blood pressure soars, stirring up anger from behind the walls I’ve purposely built.

“I want to be clear in exactly why you came here,” I concede, trying to understand her proposition. “Dominic must remain married to you, but you don’t care that he sleeps with someone else?”

“Mi amore, us Italians believe that love can be expressed in many ways. My husband has needs, I have needs, and sometimes those needs are met by other people.”

The more she speaks, the more I’m convinced she’s setting me up. She stands, swinging her purse in her hands like she strolled into my office for a friendly chat. “It was nice to finally speak to you in person. Please have a think about what I’ve said. Have a good day, Kate.”

The second she leaves my office, I let out the breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding. I refrain from calling Dominic, wondering how much he knows of her impending visit. If he knows, the asshole should’ve warned me.

I stand at the window and stare into the city.

My phone begins to ring with the name Noah flashing across the screen. I hit accept and place him on speaker.

“What’s with your timing?”

“Why? You naked in the shower?”

“Funny. I’m at work and…” I’m not sure why I hesitate. Every time the topic of Dominic comes up, Noah gets all territorial. “It’s been a long day.”

“Better a long day, then a long life.” He sighs.

“Oh, stop being dramatic,” I call him out. “And you rang because?”

“Can’t an old friend ring to make sure another friend is behaving?”

I purse my lips. “I’m always behaving. It’s Friday, what are your plans for tonight?”

The silence carries over the speaker. “I have to meet Morgan.”

“Oh…” I mouth, unsure why this tiny stab went straight to my heart causing me to stutter. “Is everything okay?”

“Who knows with her,” he grumbles with resentment. “One minute she’s civil, and the next we’re in a screaming match.”

I hold back my words, listening to him but unsure of what to say. Women are a peculiar species, many wear their heart on their sleeve. Morgan seems no different, and she does have a daughter with him who she loves.

“There’s one thing I’ve learned at the top, despite knowing that the other party can be irrational, you have the power to set the tone. You can control the people around you by being calm. Tonight might be good, or it might be bad.”

“Why are you so wise after a shitty day? What happened, anyway?”

I can’t tell him, the humiliation will leave me scarred. And why does he have to know? I haven’t spoken to Dominic since last week at the bar. For now, our communication is non-existent.

But then I remember Noah is only my friend, and perhaps, a male perspective wouldn’t be so bad.

“Noah,” I say his name with trepidation, trying to hold back, but something tells me to be honest. “Allegra was in my office minutes before you called.”

“You’re fucking with me? What the hell for?”

I draw in a breath, knowing this conversation could go two ways. “In a nutshell, she told me she knows about Dominic and me. Basically, she knows that Dominic has feelings, and she won’t stand in the way of us being together, but she needs to stay married to him.”

The more I speak, the more I sound like a complete fool. This entire situation is the complicated mess I’ve been trying to avoid.

“Back the hell up,” he berates with an angered tone. “She wants you to be his mistress or whatever the fuck you want to call it?”

“In layman’s terms, yes.”

“And so, he loves you? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?”

“I never said love, Noah,” I correct him. “I said feelings, emotions.”

“Do you love him?”

I hesitate, but only just. “No.”

“You hesitated…”

“I hesitated because you caught me off-guard with your question.”

The toxic silence between us rears its ugly head. Why did I think this conversation would go well? The same argument could’ve been had with Charlie.

“Listen, I better go,” he mumbles. “I don’t blame him, Kate. Just so you know.”

The call ends abruptly, forcing me to stare at the screen. His final words leave a heavier note, but Noah has often expressed his emotions, and I never read any more into it.

Instead of leaving the office, I purposely bury my head into more work, leaving just before nine. By the time I stop to grab something to eat, it’s dark when I reach my apartment.

Upon opening the door and kicking off my shoes, the sound of silence welcomes the loneliness. A shower or bath will normally relax my tense muscles, but even the thought brings little solace.

Still in my work attire, I sit on the couch and turn on the television. I mindlessly channel surf to no avail until I turn the damn thing off. Frustrated with my mind unable to switch off, I open the doors to the balcony and step out into the summer’s night air. The breeze is refreshing against my skin, the sounds of noise on the street drown out the silence in my head. People are walking together, laughing, and some more intimate, holding hands. The restaurant across the street is busy with lots of patrons dining out.

Last weekend feels like a lifetime ago. Perhaps there’s truth to what Charlie said, Paris is beautiful, but home is where the heart is loved.

I pull my phone out of my pocket, sending Noah a quick text asking if he can talk. He responds with a simple yes. My fingers move quickly and dial his number, placing him on speaker as I lean against the window and stare into the sky.

“Hello,” is all he answers, his tone flat and uninviting.

“Noah, I don’t like the way we ended things tonight. I’m sorry I told you, or perhaps not sorry I told you, but sorry I didn’t communicate the actual conversation correctly. But I’m calling just to make sure you’re okay after meeting with Morgan.”

“Sure, I guess.”

His closed answers are frustrating, and my mind begins to conjure up thoughts. Does she want to reunite? Did something happen? Thoughts are rampant doing nothing to ease the tension.

“And? What happened?”

“She’s seeing someone.”

“Oh,” I answer, not expecting that response. The more it sinks in, the more I realize his somber mood is from jealousy. Of course, he’s upset, he still loves her, right? “I understand, Noah. You love her, and now there’s someone else.”

“No, Kate, you don’t understand,” he almost threatens me.

“Well, then enlighten me?”

“I’m not upset because she’s seeing someone. I’m upset because for every second she speaks to me telling me that she’s seeing some guy and wants Jessa to meet him, all my mind can think about is you and Dominic.”

“Noah,” I stutter, confused by why his thoughts are misplaced. “There’s nothing going on right now.”

“Right now.” He laughs rudely.

“Why are you hell-bent on thinking I’m lying?”

“Because you hesitate every fucking time!”

“I hesitate because you’re sensitive, or should I say temperamental when this subject is raised.”

“And have you ever stopped to wonder why?”

I shake my head, though he can’t see me. He’s forcing me to look deep inside rather than scrape the surface, and the last time I did that, hearts were broken, specifically mine.

“Don’t do this, Noah,” I whisper. “Don’t go ruining what we have.”

“Because you love him? Are you thinking about taking Allegra up on her offer? Be the mistress on the side? Chances are, there’s more than one of you. Why not make it a gangbang? Then he’ll start charging people to come watch,” he muses bitterly.

“No, Noah. I don’t love him. That’s all you need to know.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better? You don’t love him, but you’re still willing to fuck him?”

The advice I offered Noah only hours ago seems impossible to follow, controlling the people around you by how you react. My anger is stirring up within me at the choice of his words. But if I feed into his jealously and frustration, I’ll be a plain old hypocrite. This is what we do, we argue, we hang up, then we bury it until it becomes a bigger problem.

But not this time. I don’t want to fall back into the same bad habit when deep, down inside, I know Noah has many things on his mind. I just shouldn’t be one of them.

“I understand you have a lot of things—”

“No, don’t do that. Try to tell me I don’t feel the way I feel.”

“Noah,” I bow my head trying to push away the feeling of his subtle hints at something else. “Please don’t say how you feel.”

“And why shouldn’t I?”

“Because if you say how you feel, it’ll all change. Me, you, us…”

The quietness between us grows deeper, pure in its form while creating a blank canvas for our thoughts. Just when I think he’ll hang up without a goodbye, his breathing falters the same time my heart skips a beat.

“It should’ve been you, Kate,” he whispers. “All along… it should have been you.”