Chasing Heartbreak by Kat T. Masen

 

NOAH

 

My gaze drifts toward my little girl asleep in her bed.

The sound of her tiny snores is more like long-winded breaths as innocent as the one proceeding.

My feet move as quietly as possible to adjust her yellow blanket, which is teetering on the railing of her bed. She can’t go anywhere without it. According to experts, it’s a habit needing to be stopped at her age. But who gives a goddamn fuck? If it makes her happy and comforts her, then let her be.

Laying in her arms is Mr. Foxy, her favorite stuffed toy. My fingers gently move the loose strands of hair away from her face, giving me space to plant a soft kiss on her forehead. The scent of her baby skin brings back so many memories, the milestones of her time with us replaying like a sweet melody.

Jessa doesn’t deserve my mistakes.

The guilt spreads like wildfire, out of control with its ferocity. There are so many elements that started the blaze, moments which were out of my depth, so I neglected all the signs.

From the beginning, my infatuation with Morgan and her ignorant behavior years ago should’ve been the red flag. Still, instead, being a novice to love, I followed my heart or whatever the fuck it was because I had no clue what the hell I was doing.

Looking back and reflecting on our time together, I was addicted to the thrill of the chase. Morgan was unattainable, and I wanted to prove a point. My ego led the race, and while running toward the finish line to what I believed would be a victorious win, I slowly lost pieces of myself and became the man Morgan wanted me to be. That included letting go of certain people in my life.

We did everything by the book, or so I thought. I asked her to marry me before Jessa came along. The sanctity of marriage seemed important if we were going to raise a family together.

Yet, the rings on our fingers only added to the pressure of our daily lives. Our sexual connection dissipated, replaced by angry threats and resentment toward each other. I envisioned a wife, a mother, who would put her children first, not her Hollywood movie star of a sister. The more we fought, the clearer it became that we’d made a mistake fast-tracking our relationship. We never took the time to build a solid foundation, letting lust overshadow the vital elements to sustaining a long-lasting future.

And while regret plays a massive part in my conflicted emotions toward Morgan, I’m then torn every second I stare into the eyes of this beautiful child we created. I still recall the moment she was born, how nothing else in my life made me complete. How I vowed to be her father, a protector, a man she could always rely on. My own father’s absence made me all the more aware of the role I needed to fulfill in my daughter’s life.

But now, the one paying the highest price is Jessa. Her world has been torn apart, much of that my fault for allowing Morgan’s controlling nature over our marriage to push me over the edge and into a bigger mistake. The pain was insurmountable, staring at the divorce papers on Christmas Eve. I was alone, left wondering precisely what I’d done wrong or why my child deserved a broken home. The threat of losing Jessa and being alone consumed me and drove me to the pits of darkness with only one way out.

I needed anything to take my mind off it, anything to make me forget my whole world was being taken away from me.

And then came Olivia Hawkins.

I remembered her from our childhood, and the uncanny timing gave it all the more reason as to why we both ended up in the hotel room that night. We were both bleeding from freshly opened but different wounds and the pain of losing someone.

It was supposed to be one night—all sex, no attachment, just the desperate need to control my life inside that hotel room. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. As far as I was concerned, Morgan and I were separated with divorce papers making it even more official.

But the moment after, I realized the biggest mistake I made wasn’t fighting for what Jessa needed. She deserved for her family to stay together, and so, if it meant that I’d give up my beliefs and become the man Morgan needed me to be, then I would.

I still remember the night like it was yesterday.

 

“Daddy, come say night-night.”

Jessa stood at the top of the stairs, carrying her yellow blanket with bears all over it, the same blanket she dragged across the floor everywhere she went. In her other hand, she held a small stuffed brown fox. It was soft and had these big eyes like it was out of a cartoon, a last-minute purchase when I left Chicago airport three months ago.

I quickly made my way up the stairs, scooped her up in my arms, and balanced the weight of her body and the extra items she carried. Walking toward her room, I saw the nightlight was already on, and her favorite book sat on top of her pillow.

“Daddy, you read to me? Puh-lease?”

I gently placed her down, tucked her in as she got comfortable, and she placed her thumb inside her mouth. As I softly read to her, her eyes began to droop, her long lashes touching her face until her soft snore echoed in the room. I leaned in, kissed her forehead before shutting the door.

The lights were dimmed downstairs in the den, the fireplace running on this rare chilly night.

“Laptop away,” I scolded Morgan.

Morgan was still wearing her work clothes, giving me another excuse, some important email that had to go out right now. “Just one more—”

“Morgan,” I reminded her gently. “C’mon, our therapist said we need to make time for each other when Jessa is asleep.”

She nodded in agreement and shut her laptop with a sigh. “You’re right. Of course. Cheese and wine?”

“How about you naked?” I pulled her body into mine and watched her giggle in my embrace.

“How about I slip into something more comfortable?” she teased.

“How about you slip into nothing?”

She leaned in, kissed my lips, instantly turning me on. I rubbed my body against hers and slid my hand beneath her skirt and along her thighs.

“I’ll be back. Behave.”

She walked out of the room, dropped her heels to the floor, and untucked her blouse as she went. I sat back, a smile on my face as I thought about how lucky we were to be back to where we started—a family.

I had one last chance to save us, and the second that Olivia left my hotel room, I made the call. I saved my marriage.

It was all because of that one night.

It was because of Olivia. The way she allowed me to feel like a man. That’s when I decided to fight for what I wanted—my wife and kid. Perhaps it was Olivia’s raw innocence that made me fight for the overbearing, stubborn woman who committed to me for life.

It was a reminder that I couldn’t go back to the days of being single, where I’d aimlessly sleep with woman after woman. I fell in love with Morgan Bentley and made her my wife. In turn, she made me a father. Giving up was no longer an option.

I sat back, waiting for Morgan, busying myself by checking the latest scores when a text came in. The name popped up—Milkshake Bitch—a joke between Olivia and me from our childhood.

Unable to hide the smile that played on my lips, I read the text, and as each word registered, and I pieced it together, my throat curled into a tight ball. The bile rose so fast, I was unable to breathe in any way, shape, or form.

Two words flashed on the screen.

I’m pregnant.

 

I’d fucked up, and there was no turning back. When it came to telling Morgan, her reaction was warranted. She called me hurtful names and threw my clothes out on the lawn. She threatened me with legal action to gain sole custody of Jessa.

Charlie stepped in, giving me a temporary roof over my head while I tried to come to terms with it. She also reassured me that she’d do everything in her power to represent me in court, so both Morgan and I had joint custody, which seemed fair.

But Morgan is anything but a fair woman. The last few months have been hell between us, her true colors coming to light. Only in recent weeks has she settled enough that we can civilly talk about Jessa. We agreed to certain days as to when she’ll stay with each parent, which forced me to find a place to live so Jessa would feel settled. We untied our assets, and fortunately for me, I still had other properties in my name, which funded my new purchase in Malibu. Jessa loves the beach, so it seemed like the perfect place for her to stay with me.

To add to the complication, I had the situation with Olivia. From the beginning, she wanted nothing from me, offering to raise the baby alone. It seemed like the only option, given that my life, including Jessa and work, is all in LA.

I’ve been floating in unknown waters without a life jacket to save me from imminent drowning. The only help I have willingly accepted is from Charlie. Being a lawyer specializing in family law, she’s seen it all. She suggested that we don’t commit to any agreements until the baby was born. Things will likely change, and my involvement in this baby’s life will become more evident as time goes on.

At least, Olivia, unlike Morgan, was rational in this respect.

Closing the door behind me, my hand rests on the doorknob with a heavy heart. And then, the whispers come back to remind me that someone else can’t escape me.

My hand slides into the pocket of my pants to retrieve my phone, and like I’d done so many times today, I open my photos to the one which has taunted me since Saturday night.

The simple picture was taken on the dance floor, drunk on expensive champagne and scotch. A selfie with Kate’s lips pressed against my cheek mid-laugh, and my face lit up with sheer joy. We laughed until our stomachs writhed in pain, and tears rolled down our cheeks while we barely were able to stand, let alone dance.

The simple moment between us is what I have been missing all along. I knew this the moment I laid eyes on Kate.

But this isn’t a simple equation. I’ve hurt her, abandoned our friendship, and now I have the excess baggage of children, which no woman wants from a man she’s seeing.

I stare at the image numerous times, willing this feeling of yearning to stop. But as the days pass with the distance between us, an entire ocean apart, it all becomes harder to control this urge consuming me.

I make my way to the kitchen, sitting on the stool as Morgan stands across from me, scraping her hands through her hair. She’s still dressed in her work clothes, and despite my intolerance toward her, Morgan will always be a beautiful woman. Though of late, I notice her dresses have been more revealing and tighter. She’s also lost weight, but our relationship is strained, so I keep all of the observations to myself. We are no longer friends, only two people trying to navigate this co-parenting thing. It’s a shame she has to be such a bitch about it.

“How was your trip to Paris?” she asks, rubbing her palms together nervously.

“Fine.”

Unable to look me in the eye, she drops her head and crosses her arms, only to uncross them moments later. Surprisingly, when I initially told her about my trip, I expected her to lecture me on abandoning our daughter, but it never came. Her mood swings are tiresome, and I have no energy to argue with her again tonight, which is where I expect to head in a matter of minutes.

The fact is—my mind is a fucking mess after my call with Kate.

“What do you want to discuss?” I question, impatiently.

“I need you to please keep an open mind, or shall I say, I don’t want to argue.”

The moment she says that, alarm bells rise. “What’s wrong?”

“I’m seeing someone.”

I lower my head, staring at the marble countertop. This moment was bound to come, and while my anger on the subject is a given, it becomes misplaced—the conversation with Kate comes roaring back to life. I should’ve sucker-punched the fucker the moment I saw him at the ball, but Lex warned me to keep my peace, knowing all too well my feelings on his so-called existence.

“His name is Callum. He’s a director. I just thought you should know.”

Silence stirs inside of me as my stark white knuckles graze against the marble. My pulse is racing at record speed, intensifying the heat of my skin beneath my collared shirt. Morgan makes a sound with her throat, waiting for my response with bated breath.

What the fuck am I supposed to say? Congratulations, you’re fucking someone else? I don’t care what she does as long as my daughter is safe. Good luck to the dick who gets to call you his. I’m sure he’ll have fun losing his balls to a bitch like you.

This anger is consuming me at warp speed, a typhoon unable to escape. Morgan is saying something about how she met him or where he lives, but the sound of her voice fades into the distance. The only thing I can hear is Kate’s voice telling me that Dominic loves her, and his wife is fine with her being his fuck toy on the side.

I begged myself to calm down when I figured out they were still fucking each other. Then, after our weekend together, and seeing him laced with jealousy at the ball, I knew it wouldn’t be long before he tried to summon her back.

He texted, he called—all the while she was with me. I lost my patience that night, our heated discussion sending her running to him, or so I thought. She promised me nothing happened, and it’s taken every fiber in my being to trust her. Kate has always known her worth. It’s what I’ve always admired about her.

But even I’ll admit, I’m barely hanging on by a thread. Zero control and the seed of jealousy plant into the pit of my soul. She’s so far away. I can’t even see her or tell her how I really feel.

“Does he know you have kids?” I blurt out, unapologetically.

“Yes, he knows about Michael. In fact, he has met Michael along with Wyatt. I’d really like him to meet Jessa.”

My head jerks up, rage pulsing through my veins. “So what? He can replace me as her dad?”

“Noah, that’s not what… you know what? I knew your jealousy would get the better of you. We’re over. You made sure of that the moment you fucked some whore of a stewardess,” she concedes in anger.

“No, Morgan, you made sure of that the moment you sent me divorce papers. All you’ve done is blame me like this is all my fault. Well, guess what? We both fucked up our marriage. And the only one who will truly suffer is Jessa. So, the answer is no, he can’t fucking meet my daughter.”

“Don’t threaten me, Noah,” she charges, her face reddening. “If you want to play nasty, then so will I.”

“It’s nothing new. You’ve been doing it our whole marriage.”

She directs her cold eyes at me. “Leave my house now. You’ll see Jessa when I say so.”

“You have no right holding my daughter back from me!” I jump off the stool while banging my fist on the countertop. “I don’t care who you fuck or spread your legs for. I don’t care if you fuck a whole army, she’s my daughter, and I’ll see her when I damn well please.”

I grab my keys, leaving Morgan in the kitchen, and slam the door behind me.

Inside my car, I roar the engine, speeding to Charlie’s place with my windows wide open and music blaring to drown out Morgan’s threat. When I reach their house, my Bluetooth rings, and I see Kate’s number appear, answering with a blunt hello.

“Noah, I don’t like the way we ended things tonight. I’m sorry I told you, or perhaps not sorry I told you, but sorry I didn’t communicate the actual conversation correctly. But I’m calling just to make sure you’re okay after meeting with Morgan,” she offers, her tone genuine and non-argumentative.

“Sure, I guess,” I respond flatly.

“And? What happened?”

I pinch the bridge of my nose, willing the anger to calm the fuck down. “She’s seeing someone.”

“Oh.” Her voice softens, instantly soothing me. “I understand, Noah. You love her, and now there’s someone else.”

My anger comes back two-fold when I tell her she can’t possibly understand. How can I look at my child and love her with all my being but regret the fact that I chose Morgan over someone who meant so much more to me years ago?

I fucked up. I let go of my best friend, and my stupid heart knows exactly that.

“Well, then enlighten me?” she answers, rudely.

I couldn’t hold back any longer, telling her exactly how I felt and how she consumed my thoughts.

“Noah,” she stutters as the ache spreads through me by the simple gesture of saying my name. “Nothing is going on right now.”

She’s still fucking him. I can hear it every time she hesitates.

“Right now.” I laugh to numb the pain.

“Why are you hell-bent on thinking I’m lying?” she questions angrily.

“Because you hesitate every fucking time!” I slam my fist on the steering wheel, willing this vicious cycle to stop.

“I hesitate because you’re sensitive or, should I say, temperamental when this subject is raised.”

“And have you ever stopped to wonder why?” I beg.

“Don’t do this, Noah,” she whispers, barely audible. “Don’t go ruining what we have.”

“Because you love him? Are you thinking about taking Allegra up on her offer? Be the mistress on the side? Chances are, there’s more than one of you. Why not make it a gangbang? Then he’ll start charging people to come watch.”

“No, Noah. I don’t love him,” she says, calmly and not feeding into my anger. “That’s all you need to know.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better? You don’t love him, but you’re still willing to fuck him?”

“I understand you have a lot of things—”

“No, don’t do that,” I yell, berating her for her ability to fuck with my mind. “Don’t try to tell me I don’t feel the way I feel.”

“Noah…” she trails off. “Please don’t say how you feel.”

“And why shouldn’t I?”

“Because if you say how you feel, it’ll all change. Me, you, us…”

The silence falls upon us, and I close my eyes because it’s now or never.

“It should’ve been you, Kate,” I whisper, shaking my head with my eyes closed. “All along, it should have been you.”

Her breathing is loud enough to be heard over the speaker. “You don’t know what you’re asking of me. I need to go.”

“Kate, stop. I’m sorry. I’m angry, okay, but I mean what I said.”

“I heard you, Noah,” she announces, then pausing. “I promise I heard you.”

The call ends abruptly, leaving the line completely dead. I’ve pushed Kate, throwing caution to the wind and giving her all of me, only for her to walk away.

No sentiment in return, no admission.

I give myself ten minutes to compose myself before entering Charlie and Lex’s place to see Eric at the table talking animatedly with Charlie.

“Is everything okay?” Charlie asks, concerned. “You look…”

“Like my asshole after rough penetration,” Eric says bluntly.

“Thank you,” I answer sarcastically, then walk toward the fridge, grabbing a beer. “I’m sure Morgan’s lawyer will be calling you on Monday to seek full custody of Jessa.”

“Jesus Christ, Noah. What happened?”

“Tomorrow,” is all I say. “I really don’t want to talk about this now. Talk about anything else, even Eric’s asshole for all I care.”

Eric pulls his face back in shock until he’s distracted by his phone. “Like seriously, what’s up with the universe?”

“Now, what’s wrong?” Charlie moans.

“It’s weird, just my brother texting me all of a sudden. Well, not all of a sudden but like the past week. He’s nice, and I don’t know… he’s opening up about shit, which is weird as fuck because we never ever talk.”

Charlie glances my way, forcing me to drink more to control my anger toward his brother.

“What do I possibly have that he wants?”

“I don’t know,” Charlie mumbles. “Did I tell you we saw him in Versailles?”

“Yes, after he told me. And check this out, you’ll love this, Noah. He asked me what the situation is between you and Kate? It’s just bizarre.”

Suddenly, my curiosity piques. “What did you tell him?”

“Nothing, really. You used to be friends, maybe you guys fucked in Paris, but no one is telling me anything,” Eric answers with a sarcastic tone.

“We didn’t fuck in Paris, okay?”

“Really?” Charlie raises her brow while leaning back in her chair. “I could’ve sworn—”

“No,” I say firmly. “We aren’t like that. Listen, I need to speak to Lex. Is he around?”

Charlie sighs. “Where do you think he is?”

I head toward Lex’s office, eager to leave Eric and his troubles. Noticing the door slightly open, I knock before entering, Lex welcoming me in. Taking a seat in the brown leather chair, my fingers skim the tip of the beer bottle in my hand.

“Rough night?”

“Morgan’s seeing someone else.”

Lex nods his head, resting back in his chair. “I understand. It hurts. Bound to happen, though.”

I bow my head, running my hands through my hair. “That’s the thing. It doesn’t hurt.”

“I see,” Lex simply states. “Does it have something to do with a certain someone in Paris?”

“I don’t know where my head is at,” I tell him openly. “I’m trying to make things right, be a good dad. My kids need me.”

Lex nods. He’s always been a good listener, and I respect his opinion. On the other hand, Haden would be telling me to hit the clubs and get some pussy to get over myself.

“Who am I to judge matters of the heart. Lucky for you, you missed my multiple breakdowns during operation ‘let’s win Charlotte back.’ Kate endured it all. She saw me at my absolute worst, the only person at the time who got through to me. You know what you got to do, so just do it. No more questions.”

“Yeah, Kate’s good like that.” I smile fondly. “The whole different continent thing doesn’t help. I guess, for now, I have to park that situation. It’s not like I can go back anytime soon, and she has a job she can’t exactly leave.”

“You know what you want, don’t let anyone else stop you from getting just that,” he says, wisely.

I nod my head in agreement. Although Lex is married to Charlie, I consider him like an older brother. He just understands me and never judges my poor life decisions.

“Are you really working? Or in here escaping Eric?”

Lex chuckles. “A bit of both. So, have you thought more about the offer?”

For the last two years, I’ve worked on some side projects with Lex. As much as I enjoy working for Lantern Publishing, I’ve outgrown the role as West Coast Operations Manager.

“I have, and it’s a great opportunity.”

“But?”

“No buts. I’m concerned about leaving Haden short, especially since we have a massive increase in sales, and demand is outweighing supply right now.”

“Listen, you leave Haden and Lantern Publishing to me. We’ll find someone suitable to replace you. As for you, you’ve peaked in that role. I have trust that you can drive this sector of Lexed. You’ve proven yourself no matter what’s been thrown at you.”

The respect of Lex isn’t something anyone should take for granted. He’s a mogul, a self-made billionaire.

“I’ll get my lawyer on the contract,” I joke.

“Your lawyer helped me draw the contract,” he admits, openly. “If I’m low-balling you, blame her.”

This opportunity is more than just a job offer. It would set me up for life. Although I’m financially comfortable having kept my condo back in Boston and another in downtown LA, my new place in Malibu set me back. The divorce with Morgan isn’t finalized with some loose matters still pending, and it won’t surprise me if she tries to ask for alimony.

“So, is that a yes?”

I extend my hand to shake on it.

“Welcome to the team, Noah.”

Lex pulls out the Macallan as we toast to the news before going over some details. Throwing my head into work is a stress reliever until Charlie walks in and makes herself comfortable on Lex’s lap. Those two don’t bother me as much anymore. I’ve learned to shut out their romantic behavior in my presence as long as clothes remain on and hands are in full view.

“I’m assuming congratulations are in order?” Charlie grins, knowingly.

“It’ll be some challenge.”

“Since when have you ever backed down from a challenge? Remember when we were kids, and I’d set up all these stunts in our backyard like jumping off the tree onto the trampoline? And whoever did it in the quickest time won?”

“I remember,” I scoff, rolling my eyes. “It cost me a fractured wrist.”

“Sorry about that.”

“Thank God I was a kid. Could’ve been detrimental as an adult.”

“Ew, gross.” Charlie drags while cringing. “Anyway, back there, in the kitchen, was that true? About Kate?”

“Why would I lie?”

Charlie eyes me the same time Lex raises his brow.

“Apparently, Dominic is besties with Eric all of sudden and asked about Noah and Kate, specifically if they’ve been intimate,” Charlie tells Lex.

“So basically, he’s asking if you’re fucking because the prick’s jealous?” Lex asserts, keeping his expression blank.

I purse my lips, keeping my mouth shut.

“Why do men have to be so frustrating,” Charlie complains, throwing her hands in the air. “Just say how you feel, get over yourself, and it doesn’t matter whether another man is jealous or not. If it’s you she wants, then that’s all that matters.”

“You’re her best friend, you tell me?”

“When it comes to the subject of you, dear cousin, Kate is a very closed book.”

“It’s not as simple as you make it out to be,” I quickly interject. “For starters, we have a geographical issue.”

“So? Lex lived in London when we reunited.”

“True,” Lex agrees. “I’d have gone anywhere to be with you, no questions asked.”

Charlie pouts, lovingly wrapping her arms around Lex’s neck. “Aw… baby.”

“Okay, you two are making me sick. But seriously, it’s all too complicated right now. I need time to think.”

“Then think, but if I were you, I wouldn’t leave it too long, especially when someone else is desperate to get his hands on her.”

“You just said it doesn’t matter?” I almost shout at Charlie. “If she wants me, that’s all that matters.”

“Yeah, it’s probably wise not to listen to me,” Charlie ponders while creasing her brows. “Eric makes daiquiris with way too much rum. I couldn’t even walk straight to this room.”

“So basically, your advice is fruitless? Nice one. Listen, I’m going to head home.”

“Why don’t you crash here? You shouldn’t be alone,” Charlie offers.

“I’d rather be alone than in a house where you’re drunk, probably ready to maul your husband. It’s been nice knowing you.”

I wave goodbye, leaving the room as Charlie giggles, knowing I made the right decision. The two of them are so annoying yet deep inside, they remind me a lot of Kate and me.

On the ride back home, I think about calling Kate but know we both need time to process. I have to get my act together, and pushing her could be detrimental. She’s my best friend, someone I know very well. Right now, she’s trying to ignore everything I said because she hates relinquishing control. She’s the female Lex, which is why she holds such a powerful position, and nobody messes with her.

But I also know she’s incredibly lonely in Paris, despite her reluctance to admit it. And anything romantic is a trigger for her. She’s been scarred multiple times, and when it comes to matters of the heart, the wall she’s purposely built around her will stand tall, ready for any attack.

I don’t want her to lose again. Not now, not ever.

Because as much as I beg myself not to admit it, throwing the thought into a dungeon with no key or chance of escape, I’m falling in love with her.

Again.

Or maybe, I never stopped loving her.