Chasing Heartbreak by Kat T. Masen
NOAH
It was the moment every parent dreads—a spiked fever prompting a panicked call to the paramedics and a dash to the ER.
I stare into his little face, the face of my ten-week-old son—Nash Alexander Mason—resting in my arms while he manages to sleep without the cries of pain.
It has all been a whirlwind since the moment I stepped off the plane and headed straight for the hospital. My stomach was twisted in knots over the concern for my son and feeling completely helpless. It instills a level of fear every parent endures when their child is sick, especially an infant.
Upon arriving, Olivia is distraught, doing her best to hold it together, but I can see the exhaustion on her face from the lack of sleep to the fear over Nash’s well-being. It’s late, and she’s in her tee and sweats with her hair in one of those messy buns. Since I saw her last, she’s lost a lot of weight, the remnants of her pregnancy weight almost gone.
“Mr. and Mrs. Mason,” the doctor calls as she walks into the room with her chart. “I’m Dr. Lester.”
“No, he’s not my husband. But that’s beside the point. What’s wrong with Nash?” Olivia rushes, panicked.
“Nash has an infection. We’ve tested a range of things, some have come back negative, and other results take longer. We’d like to monitor him overnight. If his fever drops and he continues to stay hydrated, he’ll be able to go home tomorrow. Being that he’s an infant, we won’t be inducing any medication, hoping his body can fight it off.”
“How did this happen?” I question, still rocking him in my arms.
“It could’ve been anywhere. Most likely, he was exposed to someone contagious.”
Olivia bends her neck as her eyes glass over, and her posture falls in the tattered GAP t-shirt she’s wearing. “I take him for walks and to run some errands, but that’s it.”
“Let’s continue to observe him tonight. Both of you are welcome to stay, and I’ll see you in the morning,” Dr. Lester informs us before scribbling something on her chart and leaving the room.
“There was this lady at the post office. She touched his face to squeeze his cheek. It’s my fault. I’m a bad mother,” Olivia cries.
“You’re not a bad mother,” I reassure her, keeping my voice low not to wake him. “I remember when Jessa was one, we took her to the playground, and she caught chicken pox from another kid who wasn’t showing signs of the virus. These things happen, but the important thing is that you followed your maternal instincts and rushed him here.”
Olivia nods her head, wiping away the tears from her face.
“It’s been hard, Noah. He’s a fantastic sleeper during the day, but at night, he’s up every four hours,” she chokes, trying to compose herself. “My milk slowed down for some reason, and I’ve had to switch him to formula. It turns out the formula made him constipated, so then I had to try another brand.”
“Why didn’t you tell me all of this?” I stress, slightly irritated she’s held this information from me. “I told you I want to be a part of his life as much as I can be. That means knowing his struggles or changes to his routine.”
“Honestly, Noah, I didn’t want to burden you.”
“He’s my son.” My tone wavers before I clear my throat. “You’re not burdening me.”
Olivia raises her eyes to meet mine. “I promise to share this information, okay? I’ve just been tired. And work has been asking me to come back, and it’s a lot of things.”
“What did you tell them?”
“Nothing. I have no idea how to juggle working as an airline hostess with an infant. My hours are long, it’s not a nine-to-five job, as you know. But I can’t stay on leave forever. There are bills to pay. I’ll have to look for something else.”
“I told you I want to help, split the cost. It’s the least I can do.”
“I know, Noah. You just need to be patient with me. I have no clue what I’m doing, and I appreciate having you help when you can, especially because you’ve done this before. Speaking of which, I meant to ask you, does Morgan know about Nash?”
I nod my head, staring at Nash’s little face. Although he’s so young, his features have developed and look almost identical to when I was his age. At least, that’s according to my mom.
“I told her. She said nothing. Actually, no, she said congratulations with a forced smile and hasn’t asked about him since.”
Olivia’s brows draw together as her face softens. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be sorry,” I remark harshly, frustrated with Morgan’s attitude. “Morgan is difficult, and it’s not your problem.”
“Here, let me take Nash, and why don’t you go get something to eat?”
I hand him over to her, the instant weight disappearing from my arms, leaving me hollow. I tell her I’ll be back, walking out of the room and outside the hospital for some fresh air.
The air in San Francisco inhales much differently than LA. Clearer, or perhaps, it’s all in my imagination. With my phone in hand, I hit dial to Kate, promising I’d update her once I had some news.
“Noah, is everything okay? We’re all worried here?” Kate rushes.
“An infection. They’re doing some further tests and monitoring him overnight. The fever has dropped, slightly.”
“I’m sorry, Noah. And you? How are you holding up?”
I can hear Charlie in the background, throwing questions at Kate. It’s a distraction, and I really want to hear Kate’s voice, not my cousin acting like a crazed lunatic.
“Is there somewhere you can go? So we can talk in private?”
“Of course, let me call you back.”
Moments later, my phone rings. “Okay, I’m alone. Is everything okay?”
My head drops at the same time my chest tightens. The guilt is consuming me, bringing all my failures to light. I’m just like him, the father who never stepped foot in my home because he had some other life. Neither one of my kids deserve this, and that’s all I am—an absent father.
“How am I supposed to do this, Kate? I can’t be in two places at the same time. I know what it’s like not to have a dad around. I watched my mom sacrifice her whole life for me. Is that fair to Olivia?”
“Noah,” Kate breathes, calming my nerves. “You’re doing the best you can, given the circumstances. Sure, the distance isn’t helping. I know you have Jessa here, but have you considered asking Olivia to move closer to you?”
“No, I didn’t think of asking because I know she has her own life.”
“It’s just a suggestion, and it doesn’t hurt to ask. I’m not a parent, but from a practical standpoint, if she lived in LA, you’d have more time with your son.”
“My life is a fucked-up mess.”
“No one is perfect,” she tries to reassure me. “This is your time right now, and you’ll never get these moments back. Go spend time with your son, Noah. He needs you, and so does Olivia.”
“Will you wait for me?”
“I promised I would, right?”
“Kate,” I whisper, needing to say so much more. “I’ll be home soon. I need to see you.”
“I’m not going anywhere right now, Noah.”
We hang up the phone, and with a clearer mind, I wander back to the room thinking about Kate’s suggestion. It never occurred to me to ask Olivia to move because, in the back of my mind, I placed her in the same category as Morgan—a woman. Therefore, difficult and stubborn. But Olivia isn’t like that, now that I think about it rationally.
Nash sleeps through the night, and by morning, his fever has dropped with his appetite returning. The doctor discharges him around midday, sending us home to continue monitoring him.
I send Kate a quick text, letting her know my plans.
Me:I’m going to stay one more night. I just want to make sure Nash is okay.
Kate: Of course, it’s understandable. Are you staying in a hotel?
Me: No, Olivia offered her couch. Will I see you tomorrow?
The response doesn’t come, the repeated checking of my phone to an empty screen. An hour later, I see it sitting there.
Kate:I’ll see you tomorrow.
Olivia lives in a one-bedroom apartment close to the airport. It’s small but has everything she needs considering she barely stays home when she’s working full-time. Her job as an airline stewardess has her flying across the country, which is how we reconnected.
Inside her bedroom is Nash’s crib. She places him down, informing me she’ll take a shower. I settle in the living room, opening my laptop, and trying to get work done since I want to stay another night to make sure he continues to recover. But as much as I try to concentrate, my mind drifts to Kate.
Darkness falls upon us quickly as Olivia and Nash sleep soundly in the room. I bury myself in work, the only thing I can do to clear my mind. With my phone on silent, not to wake them, I now notice the five missed calls from Morgan. In a panic, I dial her back, worried something has happened with Jessa related to the birthday party they attended today.
“What’s wrong? Is Jessa okay?”
“You let me walk into Charlie’s house without telling me your girlfriend would be there? Oh, sorry, is that fiancée? I’m not sure what I should call her.” Morgan fumes in an arctic tone. “Imagine my surprise when I see her sitting with our daughter?”
I attempt to keep my voice down not to wake Olivia and Nash. “Morgan, what are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about Kate,” she seethes, raising her voice. “You didn’t even give me the respect of telling me you were fucking her!”
“We’re not fucking. Will you calm down?”
“Don’t you dare tell me to calm down? Is that why you went to Paris? To go chasing after the woman you’ve been in love with our entire marriage? Tell me, Noah, did I ever have a chance with you? Or was she always the one?”
I keep silent, no fight left in me to argue with her. When it comes to women, Morgan and Olivia are on the opposite ends of the spectrum. Olivia isn’t one to argue. She’s very respectful of other people and communicates without drama. Morgan, on the other hand, is an emotionally-charged woman. A goddamn bitch when she wants to be.
“I figured you’d stay silent,” she sneers. “And you know what hurts the most? I did the right thing, Noah. I told you about Callum, then asked if it was okay to meet Jessa. I knew you were angry, so I gave you space to process. But you didn’t care. You let her sit with my daughter like they were best friends. Not only that, she had the audacity to call my daughter a liar when I questioned her. Goddammit, Noah, I’m her mother! How dare you allow that!”
“Morgan, I’ve been occupied, Olivia had—”
“Don’t talk to me about your personal life. I don’t want to hear about you marrying Kate and playing happy family or about the other women in your life. In fact, don’t talk to me. If you need to contact me, you can go through your lawyer, and don’t you dare think of stepping foot in my home to see your daughter.”
The line goes dead.
I bury my head in my hands, wishing this nightmare to disappear. No matter what I do, I can’t gain any control in my life. And just when I admit my feelings to Kate, begging her to be honest because I can’t go on living this lie like I don’t feel anything, her actions cause a bigger headache in my life.
Morgan has every right to be upset because, frankly, I’d react the same way.
With exhaustion weighing heavy on my shoulders, I shut down my laptop and lay on the sofa. I often thought the world would be a better place without me in it. Each day, I’m paying for my mistakes. The challenge of recovering is becoming harder with every breath I take.
Yet from the smallest of windows, I’ve experienced happiness again. Kate brought all that back into my life in just one weekend. But now, the reality is coming into full vision. Kate will never understand my lifestyle and the demands of being a parent. Despite Morgan’s earlier outburst, I don’t blame her, but no way in hell will I allow her to gain full custody of Jessa.
And she’s revealed the truth, something I’ve buried for years. I never forgot about Kate during my marriage. She was always there in the back of my mind, a constant comparison to Morgan. It was unfair. Perhaps Morgan is right—we never really had a chance.
It’s all a fucking mess, and somehow, I need to start cleaning it all up to avoid losing the only thing that matters to me.
My children.