Chasing Heartbreak by Kat T. Masen
KATE
Arriving back in Paris brings on a different wave of emotions.
A place, once so pure and beautiful in my eyes, now brings nothing but loneliness. It seems like everywhere I look, people are living their best lives. Laughter fills the streets, and couples walk hand in hand, gazing lovingly at each other with the spontaneous kisses to show their affection.
My resentment grows deeper, and patience wears thin. I no longer smile at strangers nor offer to step aside in a crowded street. Flowers bring little joy, the bunches which sit in buckets on the sidewalk seem like a ploy to get people to buy happiness. All of these things, combined, make Paris seem like the most miserable place on Earth.
My life is supposed to have been sorted by now. None of this was meant to happen. I’ve protected myself for as long as I could, avoiding exactly this—heartbreak.
And every part of me aches for a man, someone across an entire ocean, someone who has always been my safety net and held onto me when I’d lost my way.
The very man who used my insecurities against me, against us.
The heartache follows me wherever I go, never genuinely leaving my mind until momentarily I forget because someone else demands my attention. But then it hits me like a bolt of lightning, ferocious and unapologetic, always leading back to Noah.
In a city known as the romance capital of the world, my heart has become an open wound, but life, like always, forces me to move on.
There’s no time to dwell on anything with everyone demanding my time. Once again, my absence causes additional stress, and as soon as the plane touches the tarmac, my phone hasn’t stopped. Texts and emails to meetings scheduled every moment I have spare, to last-minute business trips to London and Rome over the next week. I’ve fallen back into the lifestyle I’ve known, but the loneliness will find me each night I lie wide awake, wishing this pain to disappear.
I arrive at the office at seven in the morning. Sleep barely found me last night, three hours to be exact. I woke up with no appetite but managed to eat something small and opted for intense cardio instead of my usual yoga.
“Kate,” Emile calls my name as she stands at my door with a sympathetic gaze. “Permettez à votre cœur de ressentir la douleur. Alors vous saurez s’il vaut la peine de se batter.”
Allow my heart to feel the pain. Then you’ll know if it’s worth fighting for.
The words repeat in my head, yet that’s all I’ve thought since the moment I left the States. Every ounce of my pain is because of him. I feel like I’ve been fighting this uphill battle. Noah leads a complicated life, and me being with him doesn’t fit the equation no matter how many times I run it through my head. Nothing adds up, and I’m not one to believe in signs, but I take this as the hazardous yellow sign staring me in the face.
I no longer want to discuss this, tired of the vicious cycle my emotions are caught up in. Misery really does love company, so I tell Emile to mark me as unavailable while I walk into the boardroom and close the door behind me. Only Charlie has called me repeatedly, but I told her the discussion is closed. There’s nothing left to say, even to Eric, who I hold back from contacting since our heated fallout over Dominic.
Boredom finds me once again, this meeting a waste of time. The CFO rambles on about numbers, his voice alone putting me to sleep. His team is starting to piss me off, and it will be only a matter of time before I let this moron go. He rose in the ranks thanks to management before I stepped in. I can see through his immaturity and his narcissistic behavior. He lacks any management style, and it shows in his turnover in staff. The rambling and pathetic excuses for budget restraints last five hours. By the time they all leave the room, Lex remains on the line wanting to talk further.
“Are you prepared for London on Monday? Jerry can be quite a shark but don’t let him deter you during the meeting,” Lex informs me.
Great, just what I need. Another man with a small dick trying to control the world around him.
“I’m prepared.” I breathe heavily, annoyed at having to deal with such arrogance. “I know his tactics, and frankly, if I don’t see improvements, I’m happy to show him the door. I don’t have time to waste nor fall behind on this project.”
“Agreed,” Lex says, then pauses. “And everything is okay with you?”
“I’m fine.”
“Listen, Charlotte is worried, and you know her heart is in the right place.”
“Is that her telling you to pass that on? Look…” I raise my tone only to realize who I’m talking to, “… I’m fine. If everyone will just let me be and stop worrying, I’ll move just like I always do.”
“Okay, I understand. It’s my job to check in on you as a boss and a friend.”
“I appreciate it,” I assure Lex. “But I’m an adult. I’ll sort out my personal life. So, don’t worry about it affecting my work.”
“I’m never worried, Kate. I’ve always trusted you to perform. But as the family member of a man who’s like a brother to me, I will tell you Noah is hurting just as much.”
Lex saying his name reminds me again of how intricate our ties are. It isn’t just Noah and me. Too many people are invested.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I counter, only for anger to swell inside of me. “Actually, no, I’m not. For once, I did nothing wrong. He should’ve trusted me and given me an opportunity to defend myself, but he chooses Morgan, repeatedly. And you know what, I may never be a mother, but that choice doesn’t make me less of a human being.”
And I’d said all the words to the wrong man. Lex is simply the messenger, the one I’ve chosen to unleash my anger on. I expect him to reprimand me for yelling at him, but he simply stays quiet.
“Shit, Lex,” I whisper, closing my eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, Kate.”
I take a deep breath, willing to control my mood swings. I’ve always believed that self-control is a strength, and calmness is a mastery. It may have taken me years to have come to this revelation, yet truth be told, I wouldn’t have succeeded in the business world without it.
“I should go. I’d really appreciate it if you forget all about my outburst and things go back to normal.”
“Easier said than done.” He chuckles softly. “You’ve witnessed too many of my less-finer moments, so I guess it’s your turn.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever live up to your moments. I believe you punching Julian in the face comes a close first to waking up in a bed with Victoria Preston.”
“Please don’t remind me,” he drags over the phone. “Promise me something? You’ll call Charlotte later. She’s worried and stuck in the middle of you two because she loves you both. Just let her know you’ll be okay. I don’t like to see her upset.”
“I promise,” I say before ending the call.
And the truth is, I have no idea if I’ll be okay. It’s been four days since I left, and I’m not any closer to feeling better. All I’ve managed to do is ignore the stabbing pain inside and try to breathe with a punctured heart.
The walk home is uneventful, unlike the other Friday nights. People still go about their business, laughing and dancing in the streets ignoring me as I walk past with a judgmental expression because I’m heading to an empty apartment. I’ve barely eaten today, making my mood unpleasant and snippy, surviving on only coffee and mints. I drag my heels toward my apartment without the usual takeout in hand to lift my head and see Dominic at my door.
My limbs are frozen on the spot, restricting my breathing as it catches in my throat with every pound inside my chest. Surely, this is a figment of my imagination. I draw my eyes up from his shoes, scaling his charcoal pants, past his light blue business shirt until my gaze fixes on the deep brown eyes staring back at me. The hairs on my arms stand at attention as chills march down my spine. I can’t deny his sexy appearance, but with that comes memories I’d rather forget.
“What are you doing here?”
“Kate, we need to talk.”
“No, Dominic,” I contest, keeping my distance. “We did talk.”
“I know Allegra came to you. She told me, the question is, why didn’t you?”
My anger is trumped by exhaustion. How did my life take this sudden turn, caught in some vicious love triangle with no exit in sight? All I want is a Friday night alone to watch some violent movie and pretend I’m back to my old self again.
I clutch my purse tightly, trying to rein in my frustration. “Your wife ambushed me in my office. Then she gives me her blessing to fuck you but for the two of you to stay married. I don’t know what part of that I should answer?”
Dominic moves swiftly toward me, closing the gap between us. Letting out a breath, I’m trying to ignore everything about him I once craved, the power he holds around us because no matter how I spin the scenario in my head, he’ll never be what my heart so desperately craves.
“I can’t stop thinking about you,” he admits with a thirsty stare. “Every. Fucking. Day. Just think about what Allegra said. We can still have this great life together, you and me. The way you’ve always wanted.”
I raise my hand to stop him, my body bursting with fury. “The way I’ve always wanted? Four years ago, I’d have done anything for you to want me. But you’ve conditioned me to want only one thing from you.”
“And do you still want that?” He inches closer, dragging his finger across the bottom of my lip.
Our bad romance has been nothing but cheap emotions, which led to our bond being built by greed. A toxic lover, which is what Dominic is, becomes an addiction. He knows exactly how to keep me in his court begging for more each time we’re together. He’s learned to feed my weakness and nurture it into a vicious weed strangling my self-worth.
And despite our affair being kept a secret, it has caused more damage to the people we love, including one of my best friends—Eric. The game always needs to come to an end. There will be no winners because the rules we set up were destined for failure.
I let out a breath, tilting my head away from his touch. Taking a step back, I look at him with an unrelenting stare.
“I want to be loved entirely, for everything I am. I want to spend my life with a man and be the only woman to consume him whole. I want to make memories, feel loved, and express my love in return. I don’t deserve less than that, and what you’re doing is trying to make me believe that I do.”
The words have finally escaped me, released from a vault buried in the dark pits of my soul. For all these years, I’ve refuted love only to realize I can’t live without it.
A sound startles both of us, my head shifts to the entrance where Noah is standing with his duffle bag on the ground. Wide-open eyes reflect everything he feels, and I know instantly that his mind drifts to a jealous place in which the sight of Dominic and me has sliced him open like a sharp knife.
His posture stiffens, fists clenched toward his sides, drunk in anger as his eyes blaze a torch, and it’s only a matter of time before his fury unleashes.
Dominic’s expression shifts, almost as if I can see the wheels turning in Noah’s head.
“Let me guess?” Dominic shakes his head in disbelief. “So, is he the reason why?”
“You need to leave.”
“I’m not leaving, we’re not over,” he orders in a decidedly odd tone
“You fucking heard her.” Noah moves closer toward us, prompting Dominic to back off. My pulse begins to race from nerves as I purposely stand between them, knowing all too well a fight could break out at any moment.
“Who the fuck are you to tell me to leave?”
“Because I’m the man who respects Kate for who she is and what she wants. I’m not the one proposing she fuck me while I stay married to keep up appearances.”
Dominic’s anger ripples through his clenched fists before I see him swing at Noah. Noah ducks his head just in time, connecting his fist with Dominic’s jaw. Blood ripples out until I shout at them both to stop, my hands pushing Dominic away and trying to create distance from Noah.
“Go, now,” I warn Dominic, examining his face quickly. “Please, just go back to your wife. That’s where you belong. Not with me.”
Like an animal calling defeat, his nostrils flare violently as he takes one step away from us. “You’ve always come back to me, Kate. It won’t take long for you to remember why.”
I release the breath I’ve been holding in to watch him disappear down the stairwell and out of the building. My head falls, unable to look Noah in the eye because there are so many things that need to be said.
He broke me first.
I’m still angry.
And most of all—I hate that I miss him.
Reaching into my purse, I retrieve my key and unlock the door. I motion for Noah to come inside, keeping my words at bay. I quickly head for the freezer as he follows me and grab a tub of ice-cream since it’s all I have, placing it in his hand.
“Did you call him?”
“No,” I answer, defeated. “I didn’t.”
“So, he just came here? Just rocked up at your door.”
I nod, keeping silent.
“I need to know what happened?”
“Nothing happened. Absolutely nothing at all.”
Noah retracts his hand, wincing in pain. His jealous streak is exhausting. Lowering my head, I feel an emotional wave of tears but hold back because I’m not that woman. I don’t cry over men, especially in front of them.
“You’re telling me that the two of you stood in silence and said nothing? That he didn’t remind you how great it is to fuck him? That what you have is amazing. He’s the love of your life. He can give you things I possibly can’t?”
The tear finally escapes gracefully down my cheek and onto my lips. I can’t hold it back. I could blame the exhaustion, the lack of sleep, but deep down inside, I know it’s because I’m standing beside a man who I can’t live without.
It hurts to breathe without him.
This much I finally know.
“You want to know what I said?” I search Noah’s eyes, begging for a sign that everything I feel means something, that it’s not something superficial. It’s not lust, and it’s more than just friendship. “I told him that I deserved more. I wanted more. I want to feel the love of a man whose heart only beats for me. I want a life, memories. I want it all. And the worst part of it is, all I could think about is you. The same person who makes me feel less than what I am when you fail to listen to me and tell me I can’t possibly understand what it’s like to be a mother.”
“What I said…” he utters, dropping his shoulders and ducking his chin, “… was uncalled for. I’m so angry at myself for fearing the worst, for losing control, and for taking it out on the one person who has always believed in me. I’ve allowed other people to control my own emotions before I even have a chance. And all it’s done is push you away. Fuck, Kate. I hate myself for doing this to you.”
I can’t look into his eyes, terrified that if I do, he’ll break me again. But this isn’t all about me. Slowly, I lift my head to stare at a man who has openly admitted his weakness, embraced his vulnerability to show me how much he doesn’t want to lose what we have. I realize now, despite his callous words bringing me down, the burden he carries is far greater. He was, and still is, fighting to be the best man he can be for his kids. His greatest fear of being an absent father has driven him to the depths of despair.
Expressing his pain and showing his courage to turn up here in Paris is far from comfortable. He’s taken a risk, even though we left things the way we did, and I love him even more for fighting for what he wants and never giving up.
Even if I have to finally admit he’s fighting for me.
“I know you feel something, Noah. I no longer deny that… I’m just…”
“What, Kate?” he urges, drawing closer to me. “If we’re going to do this, you and me, we need to be completely honest with each other.”
Noah is right. We can’t play these games anymore. There’s too much on the line. My heart is hanging by a thread, just one snap, and it’s completely broken.
“The way you make me feel,” I whisper, holding my breath. “I’m losing who I thought I wanted to be. It’s like when I’m with you, nothing else matters.”
Noah caresses my cheek, wiping away the one tear I allowed to escape. The touch is warm, a blanket keeping me safe and comforted. How can I tell him it’s all or nothing? How can I admit to my best friend that there’s only one road we can travel down, and I want to be beside him now and forever?
“I love who I am when I’m around you,” he expresses as his lips curve upward. “You bring out the best in me.”
I stare into his eyes, allowing myself to lose myself in him. As he leans forward, my pulse races, craving him so much. His lips graze against mine, soft and teasingly. He withdraws but stays a breath away, leaving the spot he kissed burning like the touch of a flame. It pulsates through me, spreading like wildfire as his stare deepens, and my heart belongs only to him.
“If we do this…”
“If we do this,” he repeats in a small breath.
“It’s all in,” I tell him, throwing my heart into the battlefield with everything to lose. “Too much is at stake, and too many people will be involved in our lives for us to fall apart without hurting those around us.”
He bows his head, and when he raises his eyes to meet mine again, a glaze shimmers around his pupils.
“We’ve both watched each other live our lives with other people. I watched you walk away, move to Paris, fall into the arms of another man who doesn’t deserve you.”
“And I’ve watched you fall in love with another woman, marry, and have her child. I may not have been around when it fell apart, or when you ran into somebody else’s arms, and to be honest, I’m glad I wasn’t around for that.”
“Our life will be complicated. Kids, ex-wives, ex-lovers, friends… are you sure you can handle my baggage?”
I run my hands through his hair like I’ve done a dozen times before, but this time it feels so different. Wrapping my hands around his neck, he rests his hands on my hips. “Noah Mason, you’re worth it.”
His lips brush against mine again, and softly, he kisses me, a kiss which melts away any doubt I have left in us. A kiss which seals our fate and makes us one.
“So,” I breathe, still holding onto him. “What now?”
“What? One kiss and you’re bored of me already?” he teases, kissing me again before pulling away.
I laugh, grazing his bottom lip with my finger. “One thing I can admit is that I’m never bored with you. I’m in Paris, and you’re in LA.”
He releases a sigh, knowing our battle to be together is far from over.
“I’m here now.”
“Yes, you are, but for how long?”
“I have a flight out tomorrow at four, but for tonight, I want to take you out on a real date.”
“A real date?” I grin with an appraising glance. “How romantic of you. Do I get a clue?”
He shakes his head. “Not one single clue. I’ll be back in an hour. Be dressed and ready.”
“Wait, what kind of dressed?” I ask, still holding onto him. “You know, my wardrobe ranges from Dior to a potato sack.”
“You have a potato sack in your closet?”
“Yes, it’s called a failed purchase when Eric told me muumuus were in.”
Cupping my face with his hands, he kisses me deeply before pulling away, leaving me aching for more. “I’m sure you look sexy in a potato sack. But perhaps, to ease your mind, something more formal.”
“But why do you have to go?” I beg, clutching his shirt with my hands. “I like you here.”
“I have something to take care of. And if I don’t go, you’ll end up on all fours complaining about why you can’t walk. We’ve got plenty of time for that to happen, but only one night in Paris.”
With a final kiss, he exits my apartment, leaving me in my kitchen as I touch my lips, reminiscing about our kiss.
A night in Paris with Noah Mason is just what my heart so desperately aches for. My two greatest loves, together for one night, and with that thought, bringing the happiness I finally deserve, I realize it’s all too late.
I’ve fallen in love with my best friend.
And there’s no turning back.