Knocking on Helen’s Door by Eve Langlais
9
“Grab her, would you?”Lucifer held out his daughter. “I need both hands to show you something.” His cute baby girl was dressed in a custom pink romper covered in hungry piranhas. Adorable.
Julio eyed him with trepidation. As Jujube reached for him, the reaper recoiled as if she were about to go off like a bomb. A possibility. Jujube did so love her temper tantrums. Lucifer had to reinforce her crib a few times.
“If I must.” With a long-suffering sigh, Julio plucked the baby and held her to his chest, hand holding her head, arm tucked under her bottom. A pro.
Lucifer frowned. “You’re awfully comfortable with her. How is that possible given I don’t recall any bastards in your file?” Because he’d been looking for any illegal progeny that might be able to join his legion.
“I was second oldest of seven kids. And two of my sisters got pregnant in their teens.”
A reminder Julio came from a long line of sinners. His family practically had a seat reserved on Charon’s boat, given how many of them died every year. But good news, they procreated like crazy. For example, Julio only knew of six siblings, yet by Lucifer’s reckoning, Daddy had sprinkled at least five more.
“I will keep your experience in mind the next time the missus and I need a night out. Crazy how no one wants to spend time with the prettiest girl in the world. Yes, she is.” Lucifer chucked her chin, and Jujube giggled. Not her real name, but the one that stuck. Lucifer kept her real name hidden, even from Gaia. There was something still not right about his wife.
Too happy. Too bright. Too horny.
All that sex he’d been having lately. The BJs… He didn’t trust it one bit. Married sex was supposed to be begged for. Then indulged in between commercial breaks. Maybe a quickie in the shower. But instead his babies slept at least a few hours straight and Gaia had been showing up wearing different outfits each time.
She was definitely up to something. Which was why he fucked her, and he fucked her good. Maybe he’d fuck her hard enough she’d admit her plan.
Okay, he fucked her just because it was amazing. But still, there had to be a way to get her to talk to him. Let him peek inside her head and see what she plotted.
“Why do you need two hands?” Julio interrupted, having placed the baby on his lap facing him so he could make faces at her.
The jealousy when she giggled and clapped almost had him erasing Julio. Stealing his girl! DIE!
Wait. He needed the guy still.
“Ah yes, the reason I’m here.” Lucifer pulled a cigar from his jacket stained in baby milk. With his other hand he lit it with a Zippo engraved with a duck, in loving memory of his rubber one, which had to be tossed after a toxic incident in the bath with his son.
May your duckie soul float forever. He’d miss its jabby horns when he sat down without looking and it rammed him in the butt.
Fun times.
“You shouldn’t smoke around the baby,” Julio admonished.
The nerve. Taking the devil to task. Lucifer slapped a gag over Julio’s mouth. “The grownups are talking. Meaning me. So listen. That angel you met.”
Julio’s head inclined, and he rolled his shoulders in a universal what?
“She’s cute.”
Julio snorted and rolled his eyes.
“Yes, she sounds a little crazy. But one can’t really blame her given her upbringing.”
Julio waggled his brows. Lucifer couldn’t quite understand his question and removed the gag. “You wanted to say something?”
“A little crazy? She doesn’t know how angels are made.”
“Do you know how angels are made?” Lucifer asked.
For a second, Julio’s mouth worked. “Aren’t they made the same way as everyone else?”
“Not according to Heaven. According to them, baby angels just appear, brought there magically by storks.”
“Wait, are you telling me that bullshit story she told me is true?” His brows rose. “A fucking stork. Where does the bird get them from?”
Lucifer shrugged. “They don’t teach that part in Heaven.”
“But you know,” Julio stated.
“Of course, I know where babies come from,” Lucifer exclaimed. “However, if I just tell the angel, she’ll think I’m lying.”
“Show her proof.”
“Are you saying I should have sex with her and impregnate her with my virile seed?” He waited for Gaia to react. Not a single jealous lightning strike.
“Uh, no?”
“I’m married, I’ll have you know,” Lucifer huffed, feeling a little jilted. Did Gaia simply not care anymore? Or was she stepping out on him?
He’d kill anyone who laid a hand on his wife.
No, killing was too gentle. He’d torture them for an eternity. Muahahahaha.
As he laughed out loud, both Julio and Jujube eyeballed him.
“You okay, Dark Lord?”
“Yes! Never better. Anyhow, on to your mission. I need you to educate the angel. Although, FYI, she’s a virgin.”
A massive coughing fit had the baby bobbling on Julio’s lap. “You want to me to…”
Lucifer chuckled. “As if I’d ever ask one of my loyal employees to have sex with someone. It would be completely up to you whether you’d like to pop a cherry.” Julio turned a color that appeared unhealthy. Lucifer grabbed his baby. “Are you going to puke? Because I just had these boots licked and shone with a thousand tears from a repentant asshole.”
“Why do you want Helen to know how babies are made?”
“Because she and other angels are being lied to. Oppressed by my brother and his ancient beliefs that are sexist to females.”
“And telling them how babies are made fixes this how?” Julio asked.
“Because then they’d be sinning, according to my brother, and they’d fall. All mine without lifting a hand or killing anyone. Elegant, eh?”
“You think if angels have sex Heaven will collapse?”
No, or it would have happened already, but Lucifer wasn’t about to tell his minion. “It won’t collapse, but it will precipitate an uprising.” Because Lucifer had seen a few futures where Heaven erupted into chaos.
“And this uprising all rests on Helen knowing how babies are made?” Such skepticism in Julio’s tone.
“Not just babies. Angel babies. She needs to meet the Nephilim living on this plane.” And in case Julio didn’t know what that meant, he explained. “Nephilim are angel-human mixed children.”
“They exist?”
“Well, duh. Haven’t you been paying attention? Angels have been fucking and making babies with humans since they ventured down from Heaven.”
“Wouldn’t that render them sinners and automatically make them fall?”
“Except for the fact no sex with humans means they die out,” Lucifer answered before Julio’s slow brain caught up. “You see my brother learned early on that reproducing in a very limited gene pool proved less than ideal. So, he outright banned sex in Heaven. Made it a sin and sterilized half the population.”
Julio figured it out quickly this time. “He sterilized the females, because even if they do have sex, the lack of pregnancy means there’s no proof to expose the lie.”
“Now you understand. Boy angels, as a reward for being brown-nosing sycophants, get to flock down to Earth and sprinkle their seed. Those born with wings are taken to Heaven.”
“I’ve never heard of a baby born with wings.”
“Of course not. Humans can’t see them. Which you should know. Their wings are like your cloaks when on Earth.”
Julio bounced the baby as he took on a pensive expression. “I find it hard to believe angels have been using humans as baby makers and I’ve never heard of it.”
“As if my brother would allow such a thing to come to light. This has been an elaborate plot of his for eons.”
“Who’s got a plot?” Lucifer hadn’t noticed his wife had arrived.
“Wench, what a delight to see you!”
Gaia appeared in fine form, her hair bound back in French braids, her summer dress light and airy, floating around on gossamer wings. The butterflies were too delighted about being near Mother Earth to scream about being used for fashion.
“Husband. You are looking fine.” Her gaze tracked down over him, and he shivered. Such wicked promise in that gaze.
“I was just talking to Julio here about my plan to destabilize Heaven.” Close to the truth but skirting it.
Gaia should have called him out. Instead she smiled. “I can’t wait to hear all about it. First, my little girl needs a bath.” Gaia held out her hands for the baby.
“She had one this morning after an incident while diaper changing.”
“Then we’ll snuggle.” The fingers that reached elongated, vine-like and grasping.
Lucifer snatched the child with a chuckle. “Sounds like an excuse for a nap. I’m in. Shall we?” He wrapped his free arm around Gaia and then popped them into a room with his boy, who slept soundly until they arrived.
Junior woke, rubbing his eyes. He lifted his arms. “Da.”
Lucifer reached for his son, and Jujube yelled, “My Da. Me. Me.”
That didn’t please Gaia. “Mama has you.” Indeed, she had lifted the girl from Lucifer’s arms during their transition.
“Da. Me,” Jujube insisted.
Whereas the boy hugged Lucifer and offered a smug, “My daddy.”
Which led to a sibling scream fest that put Jujube in his arms and sent Gaia fleeing.
How long could he keep thwarting her?
